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June 2004
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August 2004

Things Amy Did This Week Instead of Sleeping

- Stayed awake. - Covertly poked Jason with toes to see if he was really asleep. - Stared at stupid cat that sleeps 22 hours a day and seethed with jealousy. - Flipped pillow over to cool side approximately 80 bazillion times. - Decided to try glass of warm milk. - Burnt milk. - Counted my shoes. (Not. Telling.) - Haiku’d. - Sent Chris annoying IMs of “Are you there? Are you awake? Huh, huh?” only to realize I was sending them to his cellphone because Trillian wouldn’t change his status to “mobile device” or whatever until AFTER I sent the IM. Fucking Trillian. - Stared at buddy list and tried to subconsciously will somebody to log on. - Checked email obsessively. - Sent out delirious and poorly typed emails to people demanding that they explain this Rockchild individual to me because what the effing hell. - Ate $5 low-carb peanut butter right out of the jar. - Wrote things on Post-Its. - Made note to steal more Post-Its from work. - Thought about that guy I saw at that bar who was wearing a polo shirt with “Allstate Catastrophe Team” on it. Seriously? That needs to be put on... Read more →


Once upon a time, this journal had A Point. I wrote essays. Fully-developed entries about a linear topic or storyline. My posts had beginnings, middles and ends. I could do that thing where you conclude with a clever play on your first sentence or post title. I would even proofread sometimes. I could turn the world on with my smile. In other words, A Point. Will we ever see those days again? Yes! I know it! I promise! But not today. And probably not tomorrow either. Actually, now that I think about it, you should probably just forget I said anything. See? Smaller today. Because I am no longer screaming it. Just repeating it softly to myself over and over and rocking slightly. The big metal toilet paper/seat cover/wastebasket thing in Stall #4 in the ladies’ room is busted, just like the one in Stall #2. It kind of hangs open and makes getting paper off the roll really hard. I never cared about Stall #2. Other people complained bitterly when the Stall Service Station broke and I was all, “Use another stall and shut up. Also, I don’t want to know which toilet you sit on.” But now! I... Read more →

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

LET THE SMACKING DOWN COMMENCE. MOMENTARILY. BUT FIRST... Oh, people. This week. And I mean people, this week. I was stuck at work until 8 p.m. last night and still, apparently, expected to come in again this morning. The hell? Bitch. Es. Also a bitch: insomnia. I hate insomnia. Please send insomnia nasty hate mail at: Thank you. But! It is not all horrible suckage! For it is Wednesday! Which means advice day! And y'all sent in really, really awesome questions this week. Not Blair Warner Autographed Birthday Gifts Awesome, but few things in life really are. But what with this pesky "work" thing, I cannot devote my full attention to all the questions in all their glorious awesomeness all at once. So in true Smackdown format, I'll be answering questions one at a time, throughout the whole damn day. (Wow! It'll almost be like a blog or something!) So this way, everybody wins! You'll get quality advice other than me saying things like: "HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW? ALSO, GET THAT RASH CHECKED OUT." Oh, and I'll get more hits from y'all obsessively checking in all day to see if I've posted another question. Because you will!... Read more →

Freaking Out By the Numbers

Gah. Gah. Gah. Gah. That’s really all I can say right now. In fact, let me say it a few more times. Gah. Gah. Gahgahgahgah. Work has totally just exploded all over the place. Everywhere with the work. Next Monday I have seven super-special reports that must go to print. That I must write. Me, alone, with my own words. SEV. EN. These super-extra-special reports are all about stocks and stuff, which means that I may also have to do math with numbers along with the writing of words. So I kind of had numbers on the brain when I wrote this entry. I also kind of wrote this entry in short 30-second bursts over a period of two days. I apologize in advance. Haaaaaa. Isn’t that funny? It’s totally funny. And functional! Dudes, I totally never talked about my Saturday night dinner with Chris and Beth Cactus. Well, it was so long ago that I kind of forget everything. This is what I remember: Number of times Amy changed her outfit before Chris and Beth arrived: Four Number of times Amy changed her outfit after Chris and Beth arrived: One Number of gifts Chris brought for Amy: Three Number... Read more →

The Inner Sanctum, Cont'd.

DUN..... DUN..... DUN..... DUNDUN!!!! (insert timpani-type-banging here) Yes, this is my make-up case. And this is its story. I have a lot of cool stuff in there. Like this Tarte cheek stain, which is sort of like a big jellified crayon for your face and makes your cheeks look all rosy instead of that fish-belly death-white color they usually are. You kind of look like you've been standing at a bus stop for awhile on a windy day. And it only cost $26. I also have this Tony & Tina Herbal Eye Base stuff, which is perhaps the greatest innovation in neutral-colored cream-type stuff ever. You put it on your eyelids before your eyeshadow and it keeps the shadow from smearing or doing that funky eyelid-sweat thing. I keep a travel-sized version in my purse in case of herbal eye-related emergencies. (No, actually, it works as a totally kick-ass concealer too.) $22. Ooh! Ooh! This stuff is fun. It's my Urban Decay Menage a Trois set of body glitters. Lickable body glitters, y'all. Heh. It's awesome because it's trashy. But because it cost $38, it's like, upscale trashy. (My sister bought me these for Christmas, along with my Care Bear... Read more →

Best Weekend Plans Ever

Two posts in one day! Can you even stand the excitement? But I just HAD to write again to tell you about my awesome plans for the weekend. BUT FIRST, ONE LAST THING ABOUT THE WHOLE DRUNK THING: So at lunchtime today, I drove to Starbucks for caffeine and that little antipasto lunch-pack thing they sell, because I was craving some kind of salty lunch meat and really didn’t want to go to the grocery store and end up buying a package of bologna and eating the whole thing before I got to the checkout aisle because that’s totally what I would have done. What? Oh right. Driving to Starbucks. Hideous, hideous sunlight. A pothole that very nearly killed me. The soothing sounds of Sarah MacLachlan in the CD player. Park, walk to store humming the song I was just listening to. Enter. Am suddenly aware that I can hear the exact same song playing. Just barely, but I can’t seem to make it stop. I panic and think, “OH MY GOD I AM STILL DRUNK. MY EARS ARE RINGING AND I’M HEARING PHANTOM MUSIC.” Stricken, I move slowly to the food display and pick out my lunch, trying to... Read more →

Things That Are Making Amy's Head Hurt Today

(Ahem. A little background, if you must know.) 1) Light. 2) Air. 3) That shirt you are wearing. 4) That relentless, infernal "breathing" thing you insist on doing. 5) The fact that there was, apparently, a seven a.m. this morning. 6) The mental energy I have spent pondering my underwear. 7) No, for real. Because why does the Care Bears days-of-the-week panty for Friday have Funshine Bear on it? Shouldn't Funshine Bear be on Sunday's pair? Because he has a sun on his tummy? Sunday's pair has Cheer Bear on them, which would make much more sense on Friday, because you cheer "Yay, Friday!" on Friday. 8) Also the amount of anguish typing all that caused me because I'm thoroughly confused about whether a pair of panties should be referred to as singular or plural. It/them? Has/Have? What? 9) My looming four p.m. print deadline for this damn newsletter that has been in production for SEVEN DAYS and I am still finding misplaced apostrophes. 10) Also, is Funshine Bear a he or a she? 11) How loud my car radio came on this morning when I started the car. 12) That girl who is SUPER CHIPPER and positively SHRIEKED "Good... Read more →

days of wine and fucking roses or whatever

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Guess who's a little bit drunk, bitches. GO ON, GUESS. So first of all, I loave wine,. And also Futurama. TiVo these reruns, like, for real. I did not realize how brilliant this show was until this very minute. Second of all, guesss what. We're moving! Maybe. We're going to buy a house (and no, for real, A HOUSE) in the ghetto/murder/kill part of our beautiful nation's capital. Or is it Capital? Capitol? WEhere the fuck is my AP Style Guide? Anyway. Jason is sitting here going through seventy billion printouts of houses right now and there's this one? I totally want to make out with. Yes. I want to make out with a house. Because it's beautiful and has a porch and a two-car garage and a fucking WHIRLPOOL and a fireplace and is just so cute I want to put it in my pocket. If I had pockets, which I don't right now, for I am wearing this French Connection skirt that hasn't fit since the day after I bought it that NOW FITS and MY ASS IS AWESOME PEOPLE. It;s like a size 2 or something. And by "something" I mean a size 4 which... Read more →

Serenity Now, For Real

To: Self From: Same Re: Tuesday’s Little Tirade You suck at dark comedy. Don’t ever try it again. While it’s always kind of fun to watch someone come unhinged and sort of implode all over their journal, YOU don’t want to be that person. And you are not that person. (I have a whole secret blogroll of just sites that have The Crazy written all over them. And you all know what I’m talking about, right? They’re the bloggers who throw tantrums, design all-black skins one day and then fluorescent pink clip-art of angels the next complete with an animated fairy-dust cursor the next. They’ll delete their entire archives one day and then wail and moan about trying to recover them for the next week. Then they might change their blog’s name to “ASHLEY IS A SLUT BITCH AND I HATE HER.” They post a lot of poems and song lyrics that get increasingly bizarre and scary and then one day there’s a post that just says “toilet seat gas oven with a toothpaste sandwich I am God.” And then the next day it’s all Page Not Found. Those sites are awesome.) But that is not this site. So the... Read more →

The Wednesday Advice Smackdown Spectacular!

Or, Meltdown? What Meltdown? Um, hi! Welcome to today's Festival of Fake Advice. What? Oh, I'm fine, really. Just a little too much caffeine yesterday, I think. What? Oh, this is a Tylenol. Yeah, well, two Tylenol then. Isn't that what you're supposed to take? Why are you looking at me like that? Stop patting my head! I'm FINE! Jeez. I don't WANT to go in the nice man's car to go for "observation" or whatever crap you just said. No! I won't go! Chief Bromden! Pick up that sink! Put down that pillow! Dear Amalah, Why do I hate Jena Malone so much? -bmh Ummm…I don’t know, really. Because she spells Jena with just one “n”? That’s kind of annoying. She was in Donnie Darko, which was a really good movie, but she was also in Stepmom, which was really stupid. And while I haven’t seen Saved!, she looks kind of greasy in it and seriously, movies need to not put exclamation points in their titles. It’s annoying. Also, according to the IMDB, in 2000 she won legal emancipation from her mother, who is now barred from interfering with her career and earnings. Well lah-dee-fricking-dah. But this really isn’t... Read more →