Wednesday Advice Smackdown

See Amalah. See Amalah Lose Her Shit.


Friday. Fri. Day. Bitch. Es.

Too bad I woke up thinking it was Saturday. I’ve actually done that every blessed day this week. I blame D.C. Restaurant Week, which has required me to get dressed up every night and go out for dinner at swanky places and totally gives every night a Friday night vibe.

(Restaurant Week is well, a week where, well, restaurants lower their prices and let the poor white trash in for a three-course meal for $30 a person. Which should mean you get a meal that would usually cost over $100 for about $60, except that every place we’ve gone we’ve still ended up paying over $100 because we’re snooty people who demand lots of wine pairings and cocktails and sparkling water blessed by little French nuns or whatever.)

Last night we ate at some Nuevo Latin Cuisine Culinary Trend du Jour place that was awesome. Quite very much awesome. Quite very much mojitos. Hemingway Mojitos, actually, which are still just booze with sugar and mint but are literary, and therefore sophisticated.

We drank these literary cocktails and actually were more sophisticated than 90% of the jackasses at the bar, for they were Bad, Sloppy, Embarrassing Drunks.

Recipe For Hilarious Floor Show Cocktail:

First, you will need:

2 somewhat attractive yet nearing middle-aged women
5 totally unattractive middle-aged men on a business trip
5 tacky patterned golf shirts.
3 bald heads
1 toupee
7 wedding bands
8 pagers
6 constantly ringing cell phones.
8 glasses of house merlot
17 beers
5 martinis
Desperation (to taste)

Remove inhibitions with melon baler. Apply alcohol liberally and season with a heavy sense of desperation. Set alpha-male aside to marinate in beer.

Women should now be screeching at an increased volume and finding everything hysterical. Make sure to douse their Talbot’s biz casual wear with an extra helping of wine. Give men napkins to help clean them up in a completely gratuitous manner. Add one to alpha-male bowl for some booty shaking and grinding on a bar stool.

Shoot bartender look like, “Oh my god are you seeing this too?” 

Swap females so slightly younger one can make out with the bald and fat alpha-male until she falls off the bar stool. Combine older female and random other male with a turquoise golf shirt. Shake. Watch the horror.

Spill beer on someone’s laptop. Stir with inappropriate threats of spanking. Bring out photos of kids. Add French-kissing and remove any remaining Shame that may be floating around.

Continue mixing all ingredients around until the bartender flags them, gives them a bill so long it takes four receipts, and kicks their sorry asses out.



Amalah: give me something funny to write about today so my readers don't all abadon me
Amalah: abandon, even
Amalah: also buy me a dictionary

Chris: I can do that
Chris: um...funny...
Chris: nothing good from dinner last night?

Amalah: a couple funny/sad things from the bar scene, but not enough for a whole entry

Chris: I was going to say...that sounded like some decent material...but whatever would have made it funnier?  make up!

Amalah: lie? on a BLOG? are you MAD?
Amalah: the blog police would get me!

Chris: I know!  I'm just that frickin radical
Chris: oh yes, the blogtroopers



Amalah: You are very sad. You didn’t update yesterday and yet you still have nothing to write about.
Amalah: Shut up.

Amalah: You also wussed out on the Haiku Smackdown, to the disappointment of dozens.

Amalah: Fuck you, bitch.

Amalah: Also, why don’t you go eat a sandwich or something? Jesus.

Amalah: Why don’t I just punch you in the face?



So remember those 11 reports I need to write and get to print by next Tuesday? Here’s how that’s going:

Number of reports that are DONE, as in DONE: Two

Number of reports that are DONE, as in I DON’T CARE ANYMORE: Two

Number of reports that are NOT DONE, but GETTING THERE: Five

Number of reports that are NOT DONE, and NOT EVEN CLOSE, OH MY GOD: Two

Number of extra small printing tasks that I did not include in the 11, but is also DONE and therefore has been added to the task list for the sole purpose of crossing it out as DONE in bright red ink: One



I’ve given myself a deadline. Thursday, August 5th.  That seems like a nice date.

Either I write an entry on a single topic, start to finish, without all the lists and lame IM conversations, and actually say something remotely intelligent, and quit with the run-on sentences, by August 5th, or else…

Or else…

Well. Either I do all that by my deadline or else I miss my deadline. And that would be bad and stressful for me.


Suzanna Danna

That man in the turqoiuse golf shirt? Was my LovAH.

Sexy... no?


I wouldn't worry about cohesiveness Amy because you and your blog entries make me look so shiny and NORMAL.


Deadline? Entry on a single topic? Wha? We don't think in a straight line so why blog like that? Or is it just because you're afraid of the Blogtroopers? I hear they're a little on the rough side, arresting people for postdating their entries and making random shit up. Screw conventional wisdom, I say. Blog how you wanna! Let slip the dogs of blog! Walk softly and carry a big blog! You get my drift.


i get all my blog material at target. blah. i suck. i suck so bad i'm no longer using the shift key. oh? and my bro sent me a livestrong bracelet in the mail. i'll post pictures of me wearing it when it gets here so that you can hate me for that as well on top of the fact that jason bateman loves me.

type a

wait? did i miss something about jason bateman? because i totally have the biggest crush on him ever.

angry trained seal

OMGWTFBBQ - Queen of Everything! This is not the leader I have grown to like and stalk from afar! Indecision???? Lack of *snap!* (by your stated opinion, not mine). Buck up, damn you! BUCK UP!!! :^)


You know, if you wrote me a guest entry, that would totally TOTALLY count as an entry all on one topic.


oh amalah, I will take any post you write, and not require one topic entries. I don't have much of an attention span anyway, and I like the 'gah gah gahs' interspersed with the many topics.


Blog posted are supposed to be cohesive and on a single topic? Why didn't anyone TELL ME??

I must go cry, now.

Scarlett Cyn

Actually, I'm just kinda pissed that she didn't take pics of the drunk ho's at the bar making out with the gross dudes. I mean, no excuses Amy, you have an itsy bitsy little camera that you can drag everywhere with you, and even if you forget it, you have your cell phone camera that takes at least blurry pics! Jeeez!

Nevermind. I still adore you. And your little gah gah gah's too! Buck up babycakes!


I so love you. The "Friday. Fri. Day. Bitch. Es. ", just made me laugh and made my day. I really have no idea why. Ok, maybe I feel like someone's bitch. Wait. Was that out loud?

Suzanna Danna

Coleen has a point.
You could always guest entry for me.

Cohesion? We don't need no steeenkin Cohesion!


Oh...and it's double comment day.....I have the same birthday as Jason Bateman. No really. Same freakin day! Coincidence?

Fraulein N

Cohesive blog posts? Regular updating? The hell? Oh, the blogtroopers are coming for me, aren't they? Not for you though, Amy; you're too funny for that. Talbot's biz casual wear? Hee!

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