The Lazy Crazy
The Wednesday Advice Smackdown

An Open Letter to the J.Crew Dressing Rooms, Also, Amy's Got A Brand New Bag


First Up: The Bitchening

Dear J.Crew Dressing Rooms,

Why? WHY?

Why do you make me look so damn bad? All the time? Why do I let you do this to me? You are not worth this pain. Even though you have that one dress that I really want right now? I’m thinking of going elsewhere for my preppy-clothes needs. Somewhere that cares. Somewhere with mirrors that elongate and maybe tell you how amazing your ass looks in those jeans.

I don’t think I’m asking for too much here.

And seriously, isn’t The Gap like, totally kicking your ass right now? THE GAP? I mean, they’ve got Sarah Jessica Parker and Lenny Kravitz in their commercials. And you find yourself kind of liking them in spite of yourself. I will admit, I went out and bought a little wine-colored corduroy blazer this weekend which is quite whimsical and jaunty.

(Granted, I did not buy it at The Gap, mostly because I was in Georgetown and The Gap is like, UP HILL and I was wearing pinchie shoes.) And I am seriously contemplating the purchase of a cute little hat.

But you? J.Crew? No SJP. No Lenny. You’re still doing the whole bland-blonde-jock-boys-cavorting-on-the-beach-in-$100-pants thing in your catalogs. Yawn. And also itchy sand.

So face it. You’re boring. One can only buy so many pairs of khakis, you know?

So once you get people in the door, you need to treat them right. Stop making them wander around helplessly looking for a 16-year-old wielding a dressing-room key like it’s the pinnacle of retail power. And then, do something about the lights.

Oh my God, THE LIGHTS.

The lights in your dressing rooms make a late-night emergency room look dim and romantic. They are BRIGHT. They are BLINDING.

Do you KNOW the effect these lights have on the white skin of the average white person’s ass?

Look, I am skinny. My ass is a goddamn size four. (And I know that you sell size twos and zeros and that a size four is probably more like a size six from somewhere else where a size six is really a size eight. Still. Size four.)

But in your dressing rooms? It’s horrid. There’s mottled skin and cellulite and this weird blue tinge to my thighs. So congratulations, J.Crew Dressing Rooms, you’ve managed to create the one environment where the image of a pretty girl stripping becomes as sexual as some health class movie about the skin diseases of your average heroin user.

I hate you. You made me all sad and paranoid and I could BARELY enjoy my dinner afterwards and I ALMOST could not bring myself to order dessert.

Trauma. Honestly.

Sincerely, which is not Love,


P.S. Those white pants I tried on were totally ugly anyway. Pfft.


Next Up: The Braggening

Speaking of shopping, which I obviously did a lot of this weekend, I got a new purse. It is the most beautiful bag in the world and is waaaay cuter than that monkey-like newborn they’ve got next door.

Jason got it for me, because he is so unbelievably amazing and understands that, for me anyway, there is nothing better than a pretty new purse that cost a lot of money to mask the fact that I never have more than $4 dollars in my wallet.

In fact, it cost so much money I am not posting any of the 43 pictures I took of it, because someone would figure out where it came from and therefore figure out how much it cost and you all would TOTALLY HATE ME and tell me sad stories of starving children and puppies and make me feel bad.

And I refuse to feel bad, because I am a terrible and materialistic bitch like that.

But oh! If you could only SEE this purse, you might understand, at least if you have the slightest bit of terrible and materialistic bitch in you as well. InStyle magazine declared it a “Must-Have Bag for Fall!” I’ve never had a Fall must-have!

Honestly, it’s amazing I’m still alive.

My darling Type A was lucky enough to be sent a link to The Purse, even though I hesitated.

To: Type A
From: Amalah

Go ahead and hate me now. I no longer need friends now that I own this bag.

To: Amalah
From: Type A

yep.  bitch.

bitch minus friend.

fortunately for you, that bag is totally worth more than my friendship.

(She is so smart. Do you guys appreciate how smart she is? I don’t think you do. Go appreciate her smartness now, please, because this entry? Has completely imploded over here.)


And Lastly: The Stupidening

Also speaking of the dinner that was very nearly ruined by the bitch dressing rooms, I was encouraged by a very lovely fortune I received in my cookie:

Good news will becoming your way it will be here any day!

It’s about damn time, I think.


Notified Readers Are This Season's Must-Have.



Yup, type_a has got the smartness. But where's my email notification thingy? Congrat's on the new purse. Can the pup be toted in it?


you can add old navy to the "i hate theri dressing rooms" list too. it's gotten so bad I just buy their cheap ass crap and take it home to try on and if it doesn't fit I take it back later. yeah sure it's another trip but at least i keep my self image intact.


remember you have to add 'between the sheets' to your fortune cookie fortune. it is not yet the law but close.

so your fortune actually says: 'good news will be coming your way it will be here any day....between the sheets'. ha! who's gonna complain about that?


Please know that I will not judge you for your spendy ways. I really am just dying to see the purse, though. Will it help if I tell you that I I recently purchased a bag that equals half my rent, and then returned it three days later in a fit of guilt? And now, while everyone has praised me on my responsibility, I just want to go back and buy it again, except I'm afraid the shop girl will judge me? Do share your bag experience with me, because I will totally understand. And be jealous, I bet.

type a

first of all? colby? dog in coach? NO. not even. and are you effing crazy?

jcrew? you lost me when you started embroidering ducks onto your chinos. i'm 30 for chissake.

miss amalah? you have $4.00? gimmie. i have 17 cents.

and that bag? that beautiful bag belongs with beautiful you. and you ain't gotta apologize to no one!

type a

and blush on the props girl :)

but if i'm so effin' smart? how come i buy my bags at target?

bond girl

Bitchly, you better show us (or just me) the bag. My curiosity is *killing* me. Please, let me admire it with you. Let me covet it by myself.


Your husband bought you a purse?! I am jealous. First of all, you have a new purse. Second, my husband would never buy me a purse. He does not understand that purses (and shoes) are important. Very important.


Yo! Way to go ripping on J.Crew. Who needs generic while guys in khakis all the dang time?

And your fortune cookie rhymed. It MUST be going to cme true, as all rhyming fortune cookies do.

your adoring handmaiden for ever and ever

Show us the purse NOW (whoops, that did not sound very servant-like) This must be my day off---- who do you think is going to flip about $$ spent-- they are your dollars (or Jason's--or Ceiba's who knows who owns the purse strings in this family) but I don't care about the strings-- I must see the purse!! Allow us at least to gaze upon it if we cannot tote it ourselves.

Fraulein N

Arrr. Pleeeease show us the purse. Please? We just want to ooh and ahh over it, and maybe pretend we had the guts to buy it (or a really cool hubby to do it for us). I can't speak on the JCrew dressing rooms, as I mostly order through the catalog, but word on them losing me with the embroidered duckies. The hell?

Miss W

Show us the damn purse. Or email pictures to me. It will make me feel less guilty about my own. Which I love. And they are desiring a new friend (Kate Spade was just not enough for Fendi...need...more!)


OOoh let me join in the purse cajoling. I can vicariously loave it through you.


Oh silly Amalah we love you unconditionally. Now show us the bag!!!

Scarlett Cyn

I'm SO hurt at not being sent an email link to see the pretty new purse when you KNOW how much I LOAVE purses and shoes. Shame on you for hurting me when I'm all sick and not feeling good.

I'm so hurt that I was considering NOT telling you that I was ACTUALLY NOTIFIED by email about your new post. The post in which you teased and tempted ALL OF US BAG LOVIN WOMEN about your new purse.

Ok, so if you don't love me anymore,(but I totally know you do, you're just playing hard to get-again!) and I haven't heard much about our whole Commune thing in Utah, since they don't have Sephora there yet, those bastards,can Jason become Muslim and take me as a second wife? Cause I totally need a hubby to buy me shoes and bags willingly with minimal whining on my part. Mine whines and stomps his feet when he sees new bag or shoes. *Buzzer sounds* WRONG RESPONSE Cyn's Hubby.



i too have an uncontrollable love of all things bags and shoes. we. MUST. SEE. THE. PURSE!! pretty please with sugar on top?


MARC JACOBS?? Am I right am I right? If it is PURPLE MARC JACOBS, I am SO JEALOUS, you lucky girl!

Anne A.

MUST SEE the bag!!! NOW!!! And, notify? Rocks.


I never could get Notify List to work either, by the way, so I gave up. Do you maybe have to go in and tell it you've updated?


F the purse. Show us the mottled skin and cellulite and the weird blue tinge. :P


Hi, I found your site through your husband's. Fun antidote to worky-work America. However, I will see your JCrew dressing room horror and raise you: Last year I got LOCKED in a dressing room at the Georgetown store. Locked. In the tiny airless room with the horrible bright lights. The door handle got stuck. I had to use my cell phone (first time it's been called to serve in an "emergency") to call information, get the store number, and call people AT THE REGISTER. Preppy guy: "Hi, JCrew, can I help you?" Me: "Yes, I appear to be trapped in the dressing room by the women's jeans. Please let me out." Preppy guy: "What? Oh. Damn. I'll be right there."

Then, when he arrived, he actually said: "This happens all the time." Unbelievable.


Hi Amyalah. I found your site this weekend looking for pictures of Min Pin puppys. Read all the entries and its the bomb. Also Cieba is a cutie! Anyways I wanted to let you know that the update thingie did work so now you can stop tripping and post the purse!

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