AAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Hi! Hi hi!

Where you been, bitch?

I have had absolutely nothing to write about. Nothing interesting to say at ALL.

And now?

Still nothing. But I'm starting to get testy-sounding emails from people.

So that's why you're doing the thing where you talk to yourself again, right?

I'm not just talking to myself. I'm talking to my ITALICIZED self.

Oh, right. Completely different then.

Oh my god, oh my GOD, y'all. There was a tragedy at my house this weekend. A TRAGEDY.  Saturday night. My television like, blew up.

I turned it on and there was some scary white static and then a popping noise and then *poof*. No TV.

So now? I need to buy a new TV. And I have no money to buy a new TV. But I HAVE to buy a new TV, because of The Apprentice, people. The. APPRENTICE. 

My TiVo is recording and recording away in vain. I have no idea what it's recording and I'm frightened.

We cannot watch movies, we cannot play Playstation. We toyed with the idea of playing actual BOARD GAMES on Saturday night because we had nothing to do. I went to bed at 8:30 p.m. last night because I have no PURPOSE in LIFE anymore.

Oh, Amy?

Yes?

You know tomorrow night? Season premiere of Gilmore Girls.

JESUS CHRIST.

Attention All Dog People:

You must help me. Help! My puppy is teething. Her "big" and "ferocious" teeth are coming in, but her baby teeth are NOT FALLING OUT. They are freak-of-nature teeth that won't budge. In a few days she will have EIGHT fully-grown canines in her precious little mouth.

We have bought her rawhide bones, knots, braids, flips and rings (both regular AND condensed), rubber bones and Kongs and balls, dental bones, pig hooves and all sorts of assorted vague animal hides. She chews and chews and chews and still. The. Teeth. Won't. Budge.

What do I DO, oh all-knowing crazy dog people? Do I need to take her to the vet? Do I attach a string to a doorknob? Do I need to chill out?

(I am extremely desperate to think of things to talk about.)

(I'm sure you didn't notice, because the topic of my dog's teeth has you totally enthralled.)

I'm getting a new office! Yes! There's going to be some big internal office move for reasons that were explained to me but I really wasn't listening, because I was too busy scanning the floor plan for my name, lest I was getting moved to the supply closet.

Because really, I deserve to move to the supply closet. I mean, I'm totally brilliant and everything, but I haven't exactly been at the top of my editing game the last few months.  You may be totally shocked to hear this, but Amy has kind of been a little bit of a complete and utter wreck recently.

But apparently, my job has not noticed, because I, Amy, Managing Editor Who Is Barely Managing To Hang The Fuck On, am getting a window office.

A. Window. Office. Complete with my own personal temperature control. (And also a window!)

The temperature! Will be in MY control! Too cold? HEAT. To hot? Air! It'll be like magic!

I will also be able to see the weather, which is very exciting. And if I park my car on the roof of the parking garage? I can stare at it all day, because that's all my window will overlook.

But still. Am excited! Am important! Have completely fooled them all!

So what else did you do this weekend?

I went to a wine festival in Maryland and got drunk.

And no drunk post? You SUCK.

Well, it was kind of far away so I was sober by the time I got home.

Pfft.

Yeah, I know. Can you imagine me sending out a drunk Notify? That would have been hilarious.

Haaaaa. Yes.

"NEw entri bizzitchES that yoo shouldf read right now cuz am DRUNBK and hgaaaaaaaaaa."

See? Now I'm all mad at you for sobering up.

Am sorry. It won't happen again.

Notified Readers Know It Damn Well Won't Happen Again.