Love in a Time of Madness
September 03, 2004
My house is a mess right now. For real. I have not put clothes away for about two months. My suitcase from Miami is still sitting in the bedroom. My shoes sit in a pile that could double as a small child's fort. Today I noticed the cobwebs that coat the dining room chandelier have taken over the ceiling. The entire kitchen is sticky. I'm not even going to address the bathroom -- I'm tempted to just board it up and say "Bathroom? What bathroom? The McDonald's down the street has a nice one" when anyone asks to use it.
It's not easy living with someone like me.
I leave wet towels on the floor and forget to unplug appliances. I get too dizzy to put dishes away and I can't be trusted around sharp objects or the medicine cabinet. I can't get out of bed without actual physical pushing, pulling and/or dragging. I want to sleep all the time and feel about as sexual as a sleepy garden slug. I won't answer the phone or check my voice mail and I complain a lot.
(You might have noticed that last one.)
Jason cleans. Jason vacuums. Jason makes dinner. Jason sends flowers and buys me little gifts. Jason checks in on me every hour or so to see if I'm okay and if I'm maybe sort of ready to start thinking about getting up and dressed because it's almost noon already. Jason rubs my head when I have a headache.
About a month ago, though it seems longer than that, I lashed out at him. I said awful things that I can never take back. I threatened to leave. I told him I didn't love him. I hurt him because I was hurting in a way that I couldn't articulate and didn't understand. Which is no excuse. But there it is.
I hurt him. Deeply and truly. He's still licking his wounds and he has every right to be angry with me still. He should have left. He should have kicked me out. I was practically daring him to. I pushed and pushed and then freaked out when it actually came down to an ultimatum. I cried and hiccuped and begged for forgiveness. And then I did it all again a few days later.
In short, I was an absolute fucking nightmare of a human being.
Last night, he curled up on the kitchen floor with me as I gasped for breath as panic ripped through my body. He held me close and whispered, "I love you. I love you. I love you."
This morning, before the sun came up, he held me close again as I twitched and kicked and sobbed in despair. He whispered again, "I love you. I love you. You are everything to me. You always will be. I love you."
I usually can only answer back with, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Jason. Thank you for being the man you are. You are my rock, my soulmate, my everything. You always will be.
I love you. I love you. And I love you.
that was beautiful. brought me to tears. i hope that one day i'm lucky enough to find the someone that loves me the way jason loves you. after reading this i have no doubts that you will get through this. how could you not with jason by your side?
Posted by: tani | September 03, 2004 at 11:45 AM
So sorry to hear you're going through all that anguish. But it's so good to hear how wonderful Jason is to ya. I hope you feel better real soon.
Posted by: Colby | September 03, 2004 at 11:49 AM
Amy, no words really help anyone through what you're going through, but just know that me and many other people are wishing you all the best through a rough time.
Posted by: Sarah | September 03, 2004 at 12:09 PM
love is so good like that :0)
Posted by: girlwonder | September 03, 2004 at 12:11 PM
Nothing like getting a little teary eyed at my desk. I'm so happy you have Jason to help you through this. It's so easy to lash out at the ones who are closest to us (been there, done that), but how lucky to have someone who responds with even more love and comfort. Keep your little family close to you through this, and I know you'll be okay.
Posted by: Heather | September 03, 2004 at 12:20 PM
Oh Amalah, I am crying too. We are all capable of being horrible, especially when/if we are sick. I could be that girl you've described, and I could be her so easily if my sickness flared up again. I fear that one day my symptoms *will* return with a vengeance and that I'll do damage to my husband and our marriage, too.
Amalah, you are normal. It is good to acknowledge when we do the bad shit, but pease do not hate yourself because your body is really fucking with you right now.
I wish I could take all your bad shit away, Amy. I wish I could make you better. I care about you, Sweetie.
And Jason, I think I speak for the entire internet when I say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for loving your wife and thank you for taking such good care of her. Thank you for going on with her in the dark times. Thank you for reminding the rest of us that if/when it does get bad, there are men/women/husbands in our lives who will hold us and say "I love you."
Peace upon you both.
Posted by: Shiz | September 03, 2004 at 12:28 PM
What Shiz said.
Jason--- you are a rock star. And Amalah?-- we all love you so much.
Posted by: bluepoppy | September 03, 2004 at 12:45 PM
so we not only have the bestest puppies, but also the bestest men? toddler's up there with jason, when i deserve and when i do not.
no fair making me cry . . .
Posted by: type a | September 03, 2004 at 12:56 PM
Oh sweetie, I wish there was a quick fix for what you're going through. That much anguish is too much for anyone, even the queen.
In the meantime, thank God for Jason.
Posted by: Mir | September 03, 2004 at 01:04 PM
You're a lucky girl, Amy... Jason sounds like a true blessing.
One day, you'll feel well again and you will be able to show Jason that you didn't mean the things you said... that this isn't the real you, and that he was very right to stick around.
Shiz is right -- it's not your fault that your body is doing this to you right now. You'll get it worked out, you will.
Posted by: PinkStiletto | September 03, 2004 at 01:25 PM
:)))))
Posted by: dzwonki na komrk | September 03, 2004 at 01:40 PM
Amy, Jason sounds wonderful. And it can be so hard feeling like shit, lashing out, and then realizing what you've done. I've so BTDT. Try not to beat yourself up about it too much. I hope things start looking up soon!
Posted by: Amy | September 03, 2004 at 02:41 PM
That? Was more happy-warm-fuzzy than all the cheesy romance novels I've read in the last month, because it's real. Yay Jason, and yay Amy for grabbing on to him in the first place ;) I think he's a keeper. Having family to support you is a blessing not everyone can count on and yay that you have it. (Do you think I've said yay enough yet?) Somehow, someway, it'll be ok eventually.
Posted by: Heather | September 03, 2004 at 02:49 PM
I really shouldn't read you at work. When you're not making me laugh, you're making me cry. Look at it like this: when you're not feeling like shit for all the things your mind is putting you through and making you do, you can revel in the fact that you have someone who loves you enough and is strong enough to help you through it. He's your silver lining.
Posted by: Fraulein N | September 03, 2004 at 02:54 PM
You've got a keeper there, Amy. Jason is definitely one of the good ones. And so are you, even though you might not always think so.
Posted by: martha | September 03, 2004 at 04:04 PM
okay, between you and Dooce's Jon, I am all verklempt.
sweet queen, we are so glad you have Jason to take good care of you. And you know that part where you both said, 'In sickness and in health?' Yeah. That's why he's with you, 'cause he promised, and it's so wonderful to see that promise lived out.
thank you, Jason, for taking care of our friend, Amy. You rock.
Posted by: samantha | September 03, 2004 at 04:10 PM
your friends and loved ones are here for you amalah. it will be ok.
Posted by: Pratt | September 03, 2004 at 04:14 PM
Ditto what Shiz said.
I'm glad Jason is there for you when you most need him and I'm sure that even though he was hurt by what you said, deep down, he knows what is TRULY in your heart.
I have been where you are, right there in the fetal position more times than I care to remember, and I wished my husband had had Jason's reaction. It would have helped.
You will soon be fine. Screw the house for now. You are what's most important.
Jason Loves you. Max loves you (irregardless of the fact that you brought puppy into his territory), Ceiba loves you, I love you, and so do the rest of us here.
If we didn't, we'd be long gone baby.
Take care honey. It will be better soon, I promise.
Lots of big squeezy hugs for you from me.
Love~Cyn
Posted by: Scarlett Cyn | September 03, 2004 at 05:19 PM
PS: I love Jason too. He's a good guy.
You hear that Jason? I LOVE YOU and your little fat cat and little dawg too!!!!!!!!!
Keep taking good care of our Amy. You're the bestest.
Posted by: Scarlett Cyn | September 03, 2004 at 05:20 PM
Whoa. I think I'm speechless at the... sheer emotion of this entry. It sounds like you are SOOOOO loved! Hang in there, sweetie...
Posted by: Anne A. | September 03, 2004 at 06:16 PM
Awww, that was so sweet!
If it helps get you through any. We all say terrible, awful things we don't mean to the ones we love. It ain't pretty, but it's the way it is. Depression/panic attacks/assorted other mental illnesses do miserable things to your emotional balance, and you just take it out on those nearest. Unfortunately, that people is usually someone you love or care about deeply (otherwise why would they be there at that time?) It'll be okay, he'll feel less hurt soon and you'll feel better to. Eventually. (Yep, that last word's a bitch!)
Posted by: Rachel | September 03, 2004 at 10:44 PM
in SICKNESS and in health! Way to go, Jason! :)
Posted by: lizardek | September 04, 2004 at 04:17 AM
I told you you did good!
Seriously, though, I'm glad he's here for you through all of this and looking out for you and taking care of you.
He's a good egg, that one, and I think deep down he knows you didn't really mean all of the nasty things you said.
Posted by: Dawnie | September 04, 2004 at 08:27 AM
Amy, you made me cry. We all love you and know you will make it through this hard time. My heart aches for you and I think about you all the time. Thank God you have a wonderful husband who loves you so much even when things are bad. That's a real man and a gentleman. Someone who will be there loving you on the sticky, dirty kitchen floor in the twilight hours of the morning.
Posted by: myllissa | September 04, 2004 at 03:12 PM
I cannot say anything that someone didn't comment on this post. Hold on to your sweet Jason.
And damn, you made me cry! :)
Posted by: Sweety | September 04, 2004 at 04:44 PM
Oh Amy, I could have written that with you in two-part harmony. Except for the shoe pile and the amazing, supportive husband, that is. Brava for getting help and figuring things out. Modern chemical therapy is the only reason I am still upright and typing, and that is in SPITE of my "support system," not because of it. Hang on to him tight honey, because we love you, we love you, we love you.
Posted by: mindy | September 04, 2004 at 05:42 PM
Sweet Queen, hang in there. I know that you will get through this. It hurts to hear the anquish that you are experiencing. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all say and do things that we regret. I think I can speak for anyone on the internet who has come to know you, there is no doubt that you love Jason or that he is absolutely, 100% in love with you. As far as the house goes, who cares? It's like brushing your teeth, you just have to do it over and over again anyway. Just take care of you and the rest will follow. Hugs to all of you (yes, Max and Ceiba too).
Posted by: Roxie | September 05, 2004 at 02:12 AM
Oh Amy, grace and peace be yours. Joy does come in the morning. I'm still waiting for morning too...but I know it will come.
My love to you and Jason.
Posted by: erin | September 05, 2004 at 08:29 PM
you know...i can semi-relate. my boyfriend and i got into a major fight not all that long ago. and when i get angry, i get VERY irrational. i say things that i, too, cannot take back. and dave knows better than to try to talk to me when i'm like this...and in the morning, things are usually ok and i get out of bed to find him on the couch and i hug him and kiss him and he whispers such things as "nothing has changed between us. i love you and i will continue to love you." and then everything is ok. so yes, it is wonderful to have a man like jason (or dave, in my case) by our side, because they ARE our rock and they sometimes know us better than we know ourselves. so my thoughts are with you both. *hug*
Posted by: tiffanie | September 05, 2004 at 11:48 PM
Amy,
I know it's a long time for you and Jason. The Boy and I have only gone through a version of what you have, and a short one at that. But The Boy always wonders a bit why I don't care if he has cancer or not, and why I'm willing to "put up" with it.
That's how special and wonderful he is. I would take the hurting and worrying a thousand times over if it meant I could be with him. You are an extraordinary person, and that's why Jason loves you so much to work WITH you to get through all this stuff.
A big hug to you both,
Alektra
Posted by: alektra | September 06, 2004 at 02:50 PM
He is worth it sweets, and so are you. Bunch of love.
Posted by: suzanna danna | September 07, 2004 at 10:17 AM
I can't add anything new to the comments but I can wish and pray for peace... for you both.
xx
Posted by: Amber | September 07, 2004 at 12:17 PM
I was reading the 'about' section and noted that you're from Newtown, PA ... is that the same as Newtown Square? I haven't thought of that name in quite some time ... once knew a gal from there - Newtown Sq, that is.
In any case ... came across your site through a link from a site I follow; this current post was unusually compelling (insight into the human condition?), so I'll probably linger for a bit, to dig through your 'story'.
Cheers
Posted by: invinoveritas | September 07, 2004 at 02:08 PM
What a wonderful hubby. Mine is similar and I often feel guilty (yet thankful) because he is honestly a much better wife and mother than I am!!!
Hang in there! One thing is certain -- things always change. and you're due for a change for the better.
Posted by: Kelly | September 08, 2004 at 10:54 AM
Wow! When I read that I could relate to almost every aspect of this. My house is a wreck, I'm moody and exhausted all the time. I need help physically and emotionally from some special people in my life who I don't say "I love you" to enough. Thanks for the reminder. :)
Posted by: Cheryl | November 17, 2004 at 03:42 PM
Nice flight of thought. Let me know when you get real Jason. If it is real, count yourself very lucky. No?
Posted by: Shirazi | January 07, 2005 at 03:10 AM