Wednesday Advice Recipedown
The Unbearable Lameness

I Should Be Fired For This Post

Bah! Gah! Wah! And also Rah! Or something.

Sorry for the silence, peeps. Was at the Big Kids' Table yesterday doing Big Kid stuff like business planning for 2005 and brainstorming and syngergizing proactive opportunities with unilateral deliverables. It was very long. Lunch was a highlight, except for when I caved to peer pressure and ordered the "seasonal fruit and berries" for dessert instead of the cheesecake that I really wanted. Because I am 17 years old, apparently, and want to be the daintiest little eater at the Twelve Oaks barbeque ever so I can catch a beau.

Bah. Again.

Am super busy again today, so I'm going to cheat and post an email that I wrote to Brigadeer Martha, whose TiVo betrayed her last night and neglected to tape The Apprentice.

Amy, if you're really so busy, how in the world did you find time to write this big whole thing earlier?

Because it's The Apprentice, jackass.

And The Apprentice is more important than your beloved readers of your journal?

That? Is the stupidest question ever. OF COURSE IT IS. IT'S THE DONALD.

Anyway. Here's Last Night's Apprentice In Fifteen Minutes As Told By Amy:

Sooooo, okay. The show is obviously trying to help the women stop with the constant losing and sucking, because the task is to design a line of women's clothing and sell it to buyers of high end department stores and such.

Maria is the PM for the women, and they choose a guy designer to work with who is all, "One word: Capelets." Ew. But the designer works really hard and basically does all the work for them. The women have decided that Elizabeth is the One They All Hate Now For Unclear Reasons and keep sending her off to do bullshit stuff away from the rest of the group and completely bash every word that comes out of her mouth. Blah. I hate them all so much.

Pretty John is the PM for the men, and they choose this really weird woman designer who works really, really slowly and is no help at all. Kelly the Army Guy shocks them all by actually knowing a thing or two about clothing and designs an entire outfit while the designer is off...somewhere else. In the bathroom or something.

(Diana broke in at this point: Amy!  You forgot to tell Martha the bestest part! When Kelly shocked us all by designing that outfit, the guy from the restaurant task (Chris?) said: "Wow, is he wearing pink camouflage underwears?")

The teams are supposed to use models from Trump's agency for their little fashion show and the men are all: "Women! Drool! Pfjoajdl!" Especially Raj, who keeps asking them for their phone numbers, for he is a Tool. The women don't even meet the models because they know they might look like trolls on camera next to them. Their designer does even more work for them while they bitch about how much they hate Elizabeth. Shut up, Wee Stacy.

The day of the fashion show, John decides to leave all the decisions about pricing the clothes, which is pretty much the most important part of this task, to Wes and Kevin. Why does he do this? Because he wants to go watch the models get dressed before the show. For real. Wes and Kevin have no fucking idea what they're doing and the designer is again, No Help At All.

All the clothes are fugly. Both teams design capelets and the women's stuff is boring and the men's stuff is bizarrely haute couture and involves plaid knicker shorts...or something.

In the end, the men get TROUNCED. $7,000 to $22,000, because their clothes were priced way too high. So the women win, but I would like to clarify that they still all suck. They get to go to some "celebrity-studded party," which looks really boring, actually, and the only "celebrity" there is Lil' Kim, who is the Scariest Plastic Surgery Science Experiment Gone Wrong Ever. Holy crap. That woman ain't right.

And instead of taking the two people in charge of pricing (who are both strong players) John is advised by Kelly to take Andy, because he's the scapegoat-easy-target du jour.

So John takes Kevin and Andy to the boardroom. Trump jumps all over him for 1) Not being involved with pricing, 2) Picking a useless fugly designer, 3) Every other task-related decision he made, and 4)bringing Andy instead of Wes. Kevin is all disgusted at John and tells Trump that while he understands he's there because he did make a mistake, Andy has no business being there and John is a wuss. John is fired. Bye bye, John. You were pretty, but also useless.

So is Kelly some sort of mastermind? Did he know that Trump would punish John for bringing Andy? Is he devilishly brilliant? Is he, in fact, wearing pink camouflage underwears?

Also, I am in love with Kevin, by the way, who answers the TrumpPhone at the beginning of the ep in just his boxers, and dayum. Boy is built.




Am first!

I never used to watch that show until about three weeks ago and am now addicted.

Hate the women team except the one with the darky, funky hair and glasses. All the rest are whiny bitches.

Don't know enough about the guys but I think you may be on to something about Kelley's trickery.


Oh Fiddle-dee-dee


You have made my life complete.

Scarlett Cyn

Hark! My name is Scarlett, so fiddle-dee-dee *fluttering eyelashes, simpering smile*well that was just MIGHTY FINE Amy darlin!

I cannot bring myself to watch The Apprentice because 1)I can't pay attention to anything other than the OVERWHELMING urge to sit on The Donald and groom his damn eyebrows, y'all.(Now, where DID I put that garden weasel?????*scrounges around*) and 2) Why watch? I can get all the important stuff from Ms Amy.

And Amy? All hail Queen of all naps? Brilliant! I thought I was the only one! Birds of a feather.... and all that rot! Thanks for THE update. You IS da BESTEST.

suzanna danna

Snap! Now I don't have to watch the re-run of the show on Saturday.

And yes, I did just say "Snap!"... hush, I'm trying to reclaim my youth.

Thanks for the recap Amy!


Does anyone else yell at the TV, "Hellooooo" in a scary Carol Channing voice whenever Wee Stacy gets screen time? Because at my house it is a rule. Like a drinking game. And usually I am drunk while yelling it.


You noticed that Kevin was totally holding in his stomach while he answered the phone, right? He already has a damn six-pack! What's he sucking in?


Now I am sad that the urgent care I spent most of last night in did not offer to find a TV for me to watch The Apprentice and I will have to watch the repeat so as to see the Kevin in his boxers moment.

Also, am ready to beat the crap out of each of those annoying bitches. And I totally can too.


Urgent care? On Apprentice night? That's tragic! You need naked Kevin to make it all better.

Or how about if I hold Maria down while you whale on her for awhile? Would that make you feel better?


i think kelly might win it. because the girls are all stupid, and i hate them. kelly seems to be the smartest person in the group. also? can't wait til raj is gone. he drives me bonkers.


I'm still seething about Pamela getting canned last week. And if this competition were actually about who should run one of the Donald's businesses, then he made a "uge" mistake dumping her and not the Troll or Blinky.

Fortunately, we all know the real purpose of this endeavor is to find the best person to pose with Lil' Kim at Oscar parties.

FYI, last season's winner was my landlord. A couple of months prior, he was shocked to find out that our air conditioner needed to be connected to an electrical source to run. Although I liked him, it concerned me that he won the opportunity to run the largest builing project in the country.


Ah hayuve nevah seen tha apprentis, but yer post makes me wan watch it so I can be all laffy at it lik yoo.

And I had to look up Capelets. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Why can't WE design clothes, Amalah? Why caynt we?

And, are there links to the bad clothes? Because I SO want to LAUGH AT THEM ALL HAHAHAHAHA!


I want to read it. Really I do. But I can't read the e-mail until I've watched the episode.

I will be back when I'm caught up on my TV!!


You are somehow brilliant even when recapping tv shows I can't find interesting. I apologize, the only show like that I like is Extreme Makeover Home Edition because it's all Robin Hood-esque, and I'm a sap.

But you? Can make things I hate into things I love. Such a skill!


Either wear a cape, or fucking bare your shoulders. I hear coats never go out of style, either.

Capelets. Honest to God. Because I want my upper arms to look fatter covered with black velvet. Honestly.


NOt only did I miss Thursday's episode, but I missed Saturday's as well. I suck. Thanks for the recap.

sarcastic journalist

You mean there are people who don't understand how utterly important it is to watch The Apprentice? It is what makes Thursday so grand!


Recheck your Tivos, everyone! Kevin has some morning wood going on when he answers that phone. And I think he's sort of trying to hide it, which is why it looks like he sucking in his gut. I may have examined this in slow motion.

The comments to this entry are closed.