A Big Author is coming to the office today, and I must pretend to be a Real Editor. Who can like, write and shit. Also spell. And I must do all of this with a throat that is all but swollen shut for some reason. But I'm wearing my lucky Pink shirt, complete with Jason's cufflinks, because they cost more than mine. I shall be brilliant and together and financially savvy and I won't get the S&P 500 mixed up with the Dow Jones Industrial Average. Again. But all this professionalismissitude means that I won't be around today to write that totally brilliant and hilarious entry that I totally meant to write today. Oh man, it's such a shame. You would have loved it. So instead, why don't y'all just check out the archives and then discuss how much better this site used to be in the old days, when I actually put effort into things instead of just sitting down at the keyboard and writing really, really long run-on sentences about my hair. Which is very FRIZZY today and not professional and I hate it. I'm getting it cut tomorrow. Perhaps I shall hack it all off. Dun dun... Read more →

Yeah. So, sorry about the abruptly truncated Advice Smackdown yesterday. Me, Last Tuesday: Wah! Send me questions! Now! Y’all: Ok! Ok! Y’all: *send dozens of excellent questions* Me, Last Two Wednesdays: Meh! Never mind! First, there was work. Then? There was a burned-out light bulb in my sensual office mood lighting. Then? A headache from the vile scorching ceiling lights I had to use instead. After work? There was my rock star food critic husband who wanted to go out for dinner to a new place. Then? There was wine. And then Lost. And then baseball! You see? There was simply NO TIME for any further advice. None! (Official Amalah Stance on the World Series: Although we are usually a staunch Yankee household due to husband’s upbringing, I was all about the Red Sox. This caused more than a little marital strife, but as I am from Philly, home of the Curse of Billy Penn, I really, really needed to see that a city’s curse can eventually be overcome. In like, 80 years or so. Go Phillies!) So the Smackdown will continue today. Because seriously? I’ve got nothing better to write about. Hooray for fall-back plans! First question coming soon,... Read more →

Oh my god. The Wednesday Advice Smackdown is actually happenings on a Wednesday, and in true Smackdown format. Is miracle. You may remember the drill (but I don't blame you if you don't, since I have been a huge ass slacker about this for weeks). Questions will get posted throughout the day, all day, as I have slack-off time from work, which really means whenever I decide to cut-and-paste a question from the document that I wrote last night, from home, on my own free time, because I am a good worker who does not slack. In other news, I had a therapy appointment this morning so I am feeling very balanced and healthy and qualified to boss you around. No progress is being made on the compulsive, relentless lying, however. I have tons of questions for today, but I might like yours better. Or I might answer it next week and go for the world record of Keeping Up With My Own Damn Regular Features. So send them to [email protected], suckah. Amy- So, I am making plans to go home for Christmas on leave, but I realize that means I will have to deal with my semi-psychotic family. Usually... Read more →

Bah. I tried to write an entry yesterday. I really, really did. I wrote a lot of sentences but they were stupid. And they were all about Ashlee Simpson. ASHLEE SIMPSON Y'ALL. I am obsessed with her. The lip-synching! The hoe-down! The scandal! The acid reflux! It's the best story ever, because I have nothing better to do than to take sick pleasure in watching a 20-year-old pop product implode. Schadenfreude, table for one. (I totally just looked that up in the dictionary. Again, I really need a better hobby.) So I didn't post anything yesterday, because I didn't want an entry about Ashlee Simpson. Entries about Ashlee Simpson do not win you Diarist Awards. Entries about Ashlee Simpson do not convince your father that blogging is a viable path to a professional writing career. Entries about Ashlee Simpson are dated and passe three minutes after you hit "Publish." So this is not an entry about Ashlee Simpson. Instead? Pictures! With funny captions! Which is only slightly less lazy! Hi, I'm Ceiba. Saaaay-bah. I enjoy eating cat poop and used tissues. I do not enjoy wearing this stupid hoodie. It is a tad gangsta for my taste. I have recently... Read more →

I'm still alive. I'm sure you're all relieved. Seriously, I will be the first to admit that I am the BIGGEST baby about being sick. I'm a nightmare. I expect the entire world to stop spinning until I feel better. And the entire world needs to bring me tea and sympathy and soup. So when I'm feeling shitty and I have to go to work? Holy hell, that's just tragic. And yes, I know October is not flu season. Shut it. I know the damn flu when I get it. I don't need no stinking CALENDAR dictating my diagnosis, thank you very much. There's actually been a strain of stomach flu wreaking havoc in the DC area for a few weeks now and I seem to have picked up some sort of bizarre hybrid strain of it. I never, ever get flu shots either, because I never, ever get the flu. Except when I get flu shots. Huh. The last flu shot I got was in college and good lord, it very nearly killed me. And I thought I was being all grown-up and responsible by getting the shot without anyone telling me to and I called my mom to... Read more →

killllllllllllllllmeeeeeenooooooowwww. So yesterday I got this email from my mom: After a few great weeks, we are back to the rollercoaster health again. Dad is having a biopsy on 11/10. (Five days before his 75th!!!!! B/day). Dr. Miller, bless him, found a growth on the inside of Dad's lower lip. He is starting on a diabetes med. This is all pretty upsetting but we will get through it as we have with everything else. So for right now he has a catscan coming up of the aortic artery (checkup). Thyroid ultrasound in Nov. We need a secretary to keep track of appts. Just thought I would pass on the news. Love, Mom Diabetes med? Biopsy? What? And then I promptly threw up into my office trash can. I took this as a sign that I really should maybe go home, as it was not shaping up to be a good day. So now we can add diabetes to the list of assorted cancers and heart problems and blocked arteries and suspicious nodules and all the other shit my dad has had to put up with. And another mystery tumor! Yay. Am so pissed at the universe on his behalf right... Read more →

Hi. My dad has diabetes and I have the flu. Wah. Any advice? Bueller? Thanks for all the advice questions. I'll get to them, promise. Read more →

Um. So I kind of lost all the emails I had in my Wednesday Advice Smackdown queue. How? I do not know. But the folder is empty. (So I guess I didn’t “kind of” lose anything. I just flat-out lost them.) Somehow I have managed to completely screw up Gmail, the most user-friendly and idiot-proof email interface out there, and delete and entire label’s worth of emails. And then I went a step further and deleted them forever. Gmail users will understand how difficult this is, and have now lost all respect for my technical skills, and will probably send me t-shirts that say “LOSER” on them and point and mock and etc. Anyway. There it is. All advice questions have been lost. Pfft. So if y’all wouldn’t mind maybe resending them? Or just sending some new ones? Would be very grateful and will make a point to be extra funny tomorrow and not just phone it in. I know! It’s an once-in-a-lifetime offer. So pleeeeeeeease send me some questions. To [email protected] Or [email protected] Or [email protected] Or [email protected] They all go to the same damn place, because once? I was smart and not stupid and knew how to operate the... Read more →

So have you ever been at a stop sign, stopped behind a line of cars all waiting to make a right turn onto a busy street? And you don’t really pay attention to the cars in front of you? But you just keep staring to the left to watch for spaces to turn? And you see a space and just kind of assume the car in front of you took it, because it was a HUGE FUCKING SPACE? And then have you ever inched up a bit to see to the left a little better, only to rear-end the car that did not take the huge gaping space, but is still at the stop sign? Yeah, me neither. I also lie a lot. *weep* Now of course, one really can’t do much damage while rolling forward at three miles per hour, but one can make a sickening THUMP sound, panic, start reversing until the frantic car behind you is all HONK STOP I’M HERE TOO BITCH HONK. Her car was fine, so was mine. I may have added a wee nick in her bumper, but she had a city bumper already so there was no way to tell. (A city... Read more →

Bah! Gah! Wah! And also Rah! Or something. Sorry for the silence, peeps. Was at the Big Kids' Table yesterday doing Big Kid stuff like business planning for 2005 and brainstorming and syngergizing proactive opportunities with unilateral deliverables. It was very long. Lunch was a highlight, except for when I caved to peer pressure and ordered the "seasonal fruit and berries" for dessert instead of the cheesecake that I really wanted. Because I am 17 years old, apparently, and want to be the daintiest little eater at the Twelve Oaks barbeque ever so I can catch a beau. Bah. Again. Am super busy again today, so I'm going to cheat and post an email that I wrote to Brigadeer Martha, whose TiVo betrayed her last night and neglected to tape The Apprentice. Amy, if you're really so busy, how in the world did you find time to write this big whole thing earlier? Because it's The Apprentice, jackass. And The Apprentice is more important than your beloved readers of your journal? That? Is the stupidest question ever. OF COURSE IT IS. IT'S THE DONALD. Anyway. Here's Last Night's Apprentice In Fifteen Minutes As Told By Amy: Sooooo, okay. The show... Read more →