On my second-to-last day of high school, I almost died. *prepares for the inevitable "RIGHT, oh ye drama queen" eye rolls* No, but really. I did. And it fucking changed my life. *and here come the "You learned a lesson, isn't that fan-fucking-tastic" eye rolls* On the second-to-last day of high school, I had two finals. English and History. I had an A in both classes, but had worked myself up into a state regardless. I was going to fail and not graduate and not be able to go to that horrible Christian college in the Midwest that I didn't yet know was horrible and my life was going to be ruined because I was going to end up at a COMMUNITY COLLEGE where I would never meet a nice Christian boy who wanted to marry me and my life would be horrible and I'd probably die alone in a maroon velour housecoat while watching the 700 Club. And all this would happen if I got anything less than an A-minus on these finals. So I was worked. Up. Just a little. (Obviously, this is the one part of my life that was not changed by the whole almost-dying thing,... Read more →

I should have tons to write about. I should have tales of turkey and thankfulness and perhaps some wacky kitchen hijinks. But I don't. Because... Because... The victim: One Charles David boot. The assailant: A rogue city curb with nothing left to lose. A small dog was held for questioning when the broken heel went missing. She was later charged with evidence tampering and given a good stern talking to. A raspberry was then blown into her belly and she was released. So yeah. I tripped on a curb and my heel fell off, and I had to walk like, six blocks on my tippy toes, trying to not think about how much these boots cost and how this is the second shoe-related tragedy I've suffered this month, and also trying to convince myself that I am actually a very good heel-walker. And seriously: both shoe tragedies occurred when I was stone-cold sober. Perhaps I'm a better heel-walker when I've had wine? Either way, it was upsetting. So I went and bought myself something to ease the pain. Audrey Hepburn had it right. Tiffany's makes everything all better. (And yes. I bought it my own self. For myself. Because why... Read more →

I will post today. I WILL! But not right now. Because of three words: Editorial. Assist. Ant. As in: I don't have one. So I must do work MYSELF. Over LUNCH. With my OWN HANDS. So in the meantime, I present a Very Special Guest Post, Or, The Pinnacle of Laziness. (Thanks to Shiz, who wrote this and is much, much more talented than I am.) Dear Amy/Amalah/The Publishing Revolución: I really like your blog. I like to read it when I get up in the morning, even before I've brushed my teeth. Then, after I brush my teeth I check it again, just to see if you've updated. I might make my bed, or take a shower, or apply Bed Head products to my hair, but in between each task I am reloading Amalah.com, because it is just SO DARN GOOD. I take all of the Amalah.com photos and blow them up huge on my laser printer, and stick them to the walls in my apartment. The ones of your pretty self, Amalah, are super-huge, especially the one of you in a big orange box. You are funny! I've printed out your entire archives on high-quality paper and have... Read more →

Dear Amalah, Are those black fishnet stockings you are wearing really work-appropriate? Come on now. -An anonymous coworker all up in yo' grill Well, as the ONLY person here today who did NOT get the memo that we could dress casual? I think y'all look like a bunch of damn slobs. Grr. GRR! Okay, on with the real Smackdown. This week's questions were extra-super-girly, so guys? Sorry. I mean, I'm not giving advice on yeast infections or anything, but it's all make-up and fashion and stuff. So maybe next week all you boys can ask questions about burping and how to get laid in under three dates. The address is [email protected] Go for it. Dear Amalah, I don’t know if I’m the only fingers-applying-foundation person to think this after reading your post, but – apply foundation with a brush? I suppose I knew in the back of my mind that it was done, but I honestly have never given a lot of thought to the advantages. I just thought it was another option...now I’m not so sure, since you seem to know a lot more about makeup and various beauty products than I do. Is there a special kind of... Read more →

To: Amalah From: Fresh Baked Subject: Baby Jessica part deux Amy, Are you dead? Have you fallen down a well? Or are you stuck under a massive pile of work and cute-ass shoes and lattes? Should I be alarmed? Do you need me to sound the alarm, alerting all to your immediate assistance? I'm just wondering. Because you have not written a single thing in 4 days and, quite frankly, I'm bored by now of the last entry. I did my tour of vodka this weekend. I need something new. I'm here! Alive and fine and kicking and etc. Apologies for not writing anything since Thursday. I did try, actually. Several times. This is about what I got down: Friday: Workworkworkworkwork. Goddamn assistant candidate turned down my generous offer of indentured servitude. Weep. Corporate Love-Fest Rah Rah Day, complete with free pizza and a lot of new employees because other people are not so horrible as I am and can actually HIRE PEOPLE. Weep. Saturday: In-laws. Gah. Meet our new puppy, who will not go anywhere near you except to bring you a mouthful of cat poop. She will also pee on the bathroom floor after we brag about our... Read more →

SMALL TRAGEDY OF THE DAY #1: My hosiery had an unfortunate encounter with my car door, so I had to take them off. I'm wearing knee-high boots, but you can still see my knees, which is asbsolutely SCANDALOUS at my office. Bare knees! With no nude nylons to preserve my modesty! Can pasties and g-strings be far behind? This tragedy is further tragidized, however, because I did not shave my legs. Thank the lord for blond hair and all, but eesh. I feel yicky. SMALL TRAGEDY OF THE DAY #2: Red pen. Explosion. Carnage. Permanently stained skin. Bah. And now, a bonus Wednesday(ish) Advice Smackdown question, as it is of the utmost urgency: Dearest Q to the E- Tonight I am making Jell-O shots for a bachelorette party this weekend. While they may be an immature and trashy shot, they are liked by many participants on the bachelorette bus. My question is, how do I make these and still make them tasty and not taste like you just drank a liter of vodka? Your follower- Tonya An impromptu Recipedown! Awesome! Okay, Jello shooters are easy peasy. One small package of Jello (I prefer lime), one cup boiling water and one... Read more →

(Hi. Yes. Well, it still is technically Wednesday, is it not? And this is a Wednesday Advice Smackdown, right? So shut your yapping. And go read today's Snarkywood, because it rocks much, much harder than this entry.) (MELISSA GILBERT, PEOPLE. WE MAKE FUN OF LAURA INGALLS WILDER. HILARITY ENSUES.) Dear Amalah, Um, I think I've lost my favorite BCBG dress along with a cute work-appropriate dress from Banana Republic. How did this happen? I'm going to a wedding next weekend and I NEED that dress. I bought cute new shoes to go with that dress! What should I do? Who can I blame (besides myself, obviously)? GAH. -Wardrobedly challenged You know, as a professional and fully accredited fake advice columnist, I pride myself in remaining detached from the hordes of problems and dilemmas that flood my inbox. I don't take my work home, so to speak. Except for tonight, when I didn't have time for lunch and am actually writing at home. The Simpsons is on. Jason will be home soon bearing burritos. The rum and Coke are plentiful. Where was I going with this? Oh. Right. Sometimes an advice question comes along that really rattles me. Like this one.... Read more →

A collection of completely random and mostly unrelated observations/complaints/kvetchings for Tuesday because I cannot be bothered and also my new shoes are pinchy: Oh right. The new shoes. I don't know why the Internet cares so much, but pictures were demanded of the new shoes. Whatever. Y'all need a hobby. I hear knitting is pretty fun! The new shoes are from BCBG, just like the Sparkly Stilettos of Death, because I have learned Nothing. Also, it is very hard to take a flattering picture of your own feet that doesn't make your calves look elephantish and overly stout. The Notify message for yesterday's entry arrived in my Inbox at 10 a.m. this morning. That would be (for those of you playing along at home) more than 19 hours after I actually sent it via the NotifyList site. This beats the previous NotifyList Record for Slow As Shitness by a good 11 hours. So congratulations, Fucking Notify (tm Doxie), you have risen to new levels of Suck. Let's see how long this record holds. The bathroom at work smells like oranges. And not like orange air freshener or tile cleaner. Actual oranges. Like someone peeled and ate an orange while on... Read more →

There is not a made-up screamy-type word with enough vowels out there to adequately describe how stressed out I feel right now. AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeEEEEiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaa! Nope. Not even close. There is Much Work To Be Done and Little Motivation To Be Had. I spent most of Friday writing a Big Ass Document but then accidentally closed it without saving it because I thought Document 7 was a stupid-lame entry I'd started, but no. That was Document 12. Document 7 was Big Ass Document. Documents 8 through 11 were blank, and Document 6 was nothing but my spelling cheat-sheet full of words I'd typed to see if the spellchecker thought they were correct. Or if they were even actual words. (Friday's words included concomitant, exacerbate and duncity.) (Duncity, while not an actual word, is the state of being a dunce and/or behaving in a dunce-like manner. Feel free to use it in a sentence today.) So I lost all my worky work on Friday. I had no time to redo it either, as it was one of my bestest coworker's last day with our company. She got a job as the Boss of Everything Important at a Very Important and Famous Place and... Read more →

So. I was all prepared to come back today with Edge and Bite and Avril Lavigne-style Punkness, but then I read all your comments about Steel Magnolias and A Little Princess and the therapeutic necessity that is the Movie Cry. Now I'm all squishy. Although my hair is once again shiny and straight like splinty hard steel. Will cut you and burn your eyes with its gorgeous shiniess. And I am literally trembling with anticipation for the release of Eminem's new CD tomorrow, because I am such a bad ass. I'm totally going to buy it on my lunch hour tomorrow. I may also totally buy A Little Princess on DVD while I'm out. See? Bad. Ass. (An' ya know I totally love all of y'all more'n mah luggage.) I have to love you, for you helped me name my office plants. Which was a very important task and you did not let me down. Now, if someone out there has a tape of last night's episode of Lost, then I will make a bold stance and declare this whole Internet thing a smashing success. (BURN IN HELL ABC. BURN IN HELL AND DIE. Goddamn network made Lost run one... Read more →