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November 2004
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January 2005

How to Write a Book

(First: Wednesday Advice Smackdown? What? It's Thursday. Why are you asking about Wednesday?) (Second: Holiday hiatus, apparently.) (Third: How to write a book in one week.) 1) Decide to write book. 2) Make some notes in a notebook. Lose notebook. 3) Take week off work. 4) Vow book will be written within this week, or at least substantial portions of it. 5) Find notebook. Drink wine. Monday: 6) Is birthday! Cannot write book on birthday. Drag husband shopping and to Phantom of the Opera, because you are brat. 7) Discuss book over dinner and act really, really serious about it. Tuesday: 8) Sleep in. 9) Start writing. 10) Decide that this is easy. Also decide that it is really, really cold. 11) Have husband call heating guys, because you are busy. With the writing. For real. 12) Realize house is messy. Decide to vacuum and organize closet before heating guys arrive. 13) After heating guys arrive, try to type one-handed while holding a really annoying howling dog who really wants to annoy heating guys. 14) Think of really amazing piece of dialogue while in the shower. 15) Completely forget amazing piece of dialogue 10 minutes later. 16) Realize that after... Read more →

Happy Birthday, You Huge Freaking Pain in the Ass

Behold, the blank space of the unwritten entry! So Christmas is over. My birthday is over. It was a glorious run. But now, it is over. I am at home all this week, however, so I am not hitting the "oh shit I'm back at work and this is my life forever and ever" wall yet. Instead, I am freaking out, because: 1) Our heat is not working. It is freeeeeeezing in here. Max and Ceiba have called a truce and are both leeching off my body heat under the covers. 2) Ceiba fell off the bed this morning and cried and limped and still seems to be walking funny but it could just be that she is cold. 3) I have not chosen winners for the Focker Swagathon, nor have I finished the playlist for my Amalah: The Album mix CD that will be the bonus prize for the winners because honestly, the Focker stuff is a pile of complete garbage. 4) I am trying to write a book. I have taken this week off for this express purpose. But I've hit the "six solid pages of literary gold followed by narrative implosion" wall that I hit every time... Read more →

The Post-Christmas Pre-Birthday Drunkening

Merry Day After. I can't give details on our Christmas Day right now, mostly because I'm a littloe bit drnuk. But tomorrow is my birthday! Like, in an hour! Happy birthday meeeeee. I will be 27. Which means I am still young and youthful, so suck it, older people. And younger people? Well, I probably make more money than you, so you can suck it too. (druuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnke.) OKay, enough typing about me rationalizing my birthday as being not that old even though, ogh my God, I am so in my late 20s and not totally world-famous yet, which blows. HERE ARE (wHOOPs) some Christmas-y-ish photos to fill up some space. I am going to get more wine now. Or maybe some like, extra dry sherry, because I'm FUCKING OLD. Amy's Mom + Craftiness - Real and Actual Grandchildren = Stockings For Pets Cat + Catnip + Wee Stocking = We could help him get his head unstuck, but we'd rather just laugh and take pictures. Christmas Tree + Wine + Tripod = The last time I'll do this damn mathematical-type photo caption, I promise I got a My Little Pony for Christmas. Did you? I was going to keep it... Read more →

Merry Christmas to Everyone Except the United States Postal Service

Christmas Eve, Zero Hour. Still waiting on one last package from Amazon. I'm thinking it's not going to get here. According to the USPS Web site, the package has not been seen or heard from since December 15th when it left the top secret Postman's Lair or whatever. I sent out two frantically pissy emails: one to the USPS directly, and one to Amazon. USPS response: Sucks to be you! We have no idea where your package is and frankly, don't think that's really our job. If it doesn't arrive after 30 days, you can go ahead and fill out Form A122-34 version 2F, available at all post offices in the Pacific Northwest, and we'll promise to look into it before next Christmas. Amazon response: We are so sorry. REALLY sorry. Words cannot express how sorry we are. Seriously, we're like, crying over here. We have sent you a replacement order at no charge and commissioned a sherpa to guarantee delivery. Also, here is some ice cream and an animated "We're Sorry" e-card. Are we still friends? God bless Amazon, and us, every one. (Except, you know, the post office. Bah Bitch Humbug there.) Read more →

Fock This

There will be no Advice Smackdown today, because I have something better to write about. And you can just suck it if you don't think it's better, because you're wrong and stupid. Plus, there are prizes! Last we wandered into some sort of surreal, this-does-not-happen-in-actual-real-life bonanza of blog material. It was the after-party for a screening of Meet the Fockers, brought to you by Bud Lite. At a Ruby Tuesday's. First, okay, yes. The Amalahs were at a Ruby Tuesday's. Am ashamed. But we were only there for the cheese fries and the beer. We had other reasons for going there, all of which make such perfect sense that if I wrote them all out you'd totally be blown away by our late-night munchie logic, but I won't write them out because this post is not about me and my eating habits. This post is about all the notes I took on a napkin. The very first thing I wrote down? SHUT. UP. An argument had broken out at the bar regarding whether or not the cat and the dog in the movie were real or animatronic. "Of course they were real! They looked so real! They couldn't make them... Read more →

The Christmas There Was No Fresh Basil

I found out late last week that a two of my many, many siblings were going to celebrate Christmas with my parents on Saturday. Jason and I went too, as I am unable to resist the prospect of early Christmas presents and maybe somebody would remember my birthday and maybe I would get money. I don't think I've really written much about my family -- siblings in particular. There are two reasons for this. 1) They read this site. 2) They know lawyers. But on Saturday, I was granted special permission to write all about our day together. There are three reasons for this. 1) They were drunk. 2) They would like to be famous and have people buy things off of their wish lists. 3) They were drunk. Jason and I arrived to a great uproar of yells and applause and hugs and it was great to bask in the love of family and blah blah blah. Except then I realized they were mostly (okay, completely) excited because: 1) Jason was carrying a TiVo box. 2) I was carrying Ceiba. 3) They were drunk. It was one p.m. in the afternoon, people. And the Corbetts had already Gone Wild... Read more →

Give in to the Dark Side

GUESS WHAT! Mine. All mine. Thank you, Internet. Specifically, thanks to Anyabeth, who abused her work priviledges in a reckless and glorious manner in order to track these wiley boots down for me. Anyabeth: Shh. There's a pair of size 7 Sundance Uggs at this exact latitude and longitude. Go now, but make sure no one follows you. Ask for Charlie and tell him that the green chicken has entered the nunnery and he'll know what to do. Hurry! There's precious little time! This email will self-destruct in seven seconds. Amybeth: I love you. Let's make out! Anyabeth knows all sorts of insider shopping seekrits and ways to spend all your money. Which I did, as these boots were the very last purchase our credit card was able to handle, and it self-destructed in a puff of maxxed-out smoke soon afterwards. Specifically, at the restaurant I made Jason take me to for the express purpose of showing off my butt-ugly boots. "Hi, I'm a total snowbunny poseur. You can't see it because I can't hold the camera still for three solid seconds but my sweater is a hoodie that's trimmed in rabbit fur and even has two little furry pom-poms.... Read more →

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

FUCK. ALL. Y'ALL. No, I don't really mean that. I'm projecting my anger towards the innocent Internet, but really, I think it deserves it today. The morning thus far: I woke up super-early after having a NIGHTMARE about the Wednesday Advice Smackdown. Questions were pouring in at breakneck speed, including one from my actual real-life bona fide Internet archenemy. About GRAMMAR. And I didn't know the answer. And Google wasn't working. And then more questions came and I woke up all in a panic and wondering how in the world I ended up with an Internet archenemy. To calm my nerves, I went right over to to check the Ugg status, and lo and behold, they claimed to have the Sundance boot (the only one I like, as I maintain that the others are still kind of bleh) in size 7 in Sand, which is my second color choice so CLOSE ENOUGH. But Nordstrom LIED. They are not available. They are already gone. I cannot have them, ever, and it is like, 25 degrees today and I'm cold and also tired because I WOKE UP SO DAMN EARLY. Also, do you think I got to work on time today?... Read more →

Tantrums, Retractions & Dogs In Sweaters

Blah blah blah insert insincere apology for not posting here and random non-word stress sounds i.e. gaaaaaaaaaaaaah, aaaaeeeeeeeiiii, etc. ANYWAY. It's almost Christmas, people, whattaya want from me? All I've been doing is shopping and cleaning and drinking. Tonight I went to the MALL, like, in the SUBURBS and it was exhausting and a little frightening. Some of that was my own damn fault, as I was wandering aimlessly through an unfamiliar mall, without ever looking at the directory, in three-inch heels. Because I am a MORON. Some of it was NOT my fault, but the fault of my very first purchase, which was much heavier than I anticipated and set off the alarms in EVERY STORE AFTERWARDS. The alarms would go off as I ENTERED the store, and by store number four I was like, "HELLO STORE, I AM A PRE-EMPTIVE SHOPLIFTER. THAT WAS YOUR WARNING." Only not. Mostly I just pretended that I didn't hear the alarms, which was really cool and believable. Luckily, most of the mall employees felt kind of sorry for me, as I was clearly out of my element, wandering around in stilettos and an oversized clutch purse with a purchase possessed by the... Read more →

Cheese and Cracking

I have decided that I am entirely too popular. I need to piss some people off. (Maybe you!) I had some kind of party or get-together or gathering or box social to go to every night this week, which seriously cramps my TV-watching lifestyle. Add in the fact that my JOB is INSANE, my blogging (gah! journaling! weblogging! diarying!) lifestyle is like, dead. Waaaay down on the list of things I need to do, just below writing an angry letter to TiVo for recording fucking NORTH SHORE instead of The Apprentice because it screwed up the channels or something, which meant when I finally got home after a shindig with all my jet-setting friends last night and went to watch The Donald and I was confronted with SHANNEN DOHERTY. (Although last night was super-fun, as it involved a lot of cheese, tequila, gossip and me schooling a group of coworkers on the term "fuck buddy.") Still. Damn TiVo. (Confidential to TiVo: I don't mean that! I love you! You can record tonight's repeat episode! I forgive you! Come back!) Also, I am gaining weight like it is going out of style. Another reason I need to piss off some friends... Read more →