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December 2004
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February 2005

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

OK, enough with all the social awareness and global perspective crap. Let's get back to the brattiness and the whining. But first... Today is De-lurking Day, the brainchild of the fabulous Sheryl of Paper Napkin, who orders you to stop lurking and leave a damn comment already. And believe me, you don't want to cross Sheryl. And for real: I check my stats. I know y'all are out there. Many, many, many of you who are apparently really bored at work. You just aren't commenting like all the cool kids. So please, step up and introduce yo'selves today. I won't bite and promise to only make fun of you if you say something really, really stupid or insult my shoes. Or my dog. Or anything I have ever done or said in my entire life. That's my job, bitches. You know what also is my job? Quality fake advice. It's a job I've neglected over the past few weeks, but now I am proud to announce the triumphant return of the most popularest feature here at (judging by traffic, not comments, because y'all are COMMENT PUSSIES), THE WEDNESDAY ADVICE SMACKDOWN! Woo! Yay! Whatever! Dear Amalah, I have been interviewing... Read more →

A Big Huge Wave of Guiltification

The tsunami, y'all. It's very, very hard to be funny right now. It's hard to figure out what to write about. Because it's hard to bitch and moan about any of the following: 1) Our condo still has no heat. Well LA DEE FRICKING DAH. We still have water and electricity and our $200 sheepskin boots. The heating guys are coming back today to wage a full-scale war on our pipes and may have to pound holes into our lovely painted walls to find the elusive clog, which is not our fault, but the fault of a half-assed repair job on a water pipe down the street. Poor, poor me, who will have to repair a small hole in my wall and repaint. THE. TRAGEDY. 2) Max has destroyed the carpet on our stairs by peeing all over it. In six years this cat has never, ever had a single litter box accident. (Not counting one time we accidentally closed the closet door where his box was and went out for the day so the poor confused guy went and peed in his water bowl). Now we bring home a puppy and he's all, "Fuck you, your entire house is... Read more →

The 2005 Amalah Hot List

In lieu of resolutions, I present my predictions for the people, places and things that will rock and/or fuck with my world this year... XM Radio Carpet on stairs that Max suddenly likes to pee on The Next Grilleration George Foreman Grill with removable grill plates The word "grilleration" TOO CLOSE TO CALL Sanity Hangovers The word "bling" Fuzzy slipper Ceiba is currently destroying Miniature Pinscher skin slippers Snoop Dogg (Thanks to my ho Granola Spice, bizzitch) Volcano phobia Gym membership Hateration Bitchitude Warm fuzzies TOO CLOSE TOO CALL Condo's heat ever working again Jason Bateman Wil Wheaton Number of unread email messages (currently 299) Burt's Bees Carrot Nutritive Body Lotion Up with people Down with asshats Bosom Buddies Reality TV Thanksgiving leftovers still in fridge TOO CLOSE TO CALL Notify List Stock options A diversified Roth IRA and a fully funded 401(k) Wondering what happened to the Amy with the pink hair and Doc Martens Chipotle Pizza places where everybody knows your name This entry Read more →