Wednesday Advice Smackdown
In Which I Please Everybody Except People Who Want Actual Intelligent Writing

Re-Lurk! Re-Lurk!

I have nothing to say, but I must post SOMETHING and put an end to the De-Lurking Day madness. Madness!

My plan was to email all of my brave little lurkers and say hi and thanks for commenting and see? Don't you want emails and validation from me? Don't you want to comment more often?

It was a great plan, until the comments hit 140 and still. Would. Not. Stop. I've emailed like, 20, and then those 20 people replied and said something funny and I just had to write back again, because yay, new people to waste the day away with and also, I am not a snotty bitch, regardless of what you may have read in the tabloids.

So I will keep trying with the emails, just like I am still trying to finish the prizes for the Focking Swag contest from like, a month ago. But the prize is going to be so focking awesome it will be worth the wait, I swear. Remember how in High Fidelity John Cusack's character was reorganizing his record collection and his friend asked if he was doing alphabetical or chronological and John Cusack was all, "No, AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL." And then his friend was all, "Whoa." Remember that?

Anyway, I'm making an AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL mix CD for the year 2004 that will mostly make sense to me and like, the four people I know in real life who crossed me this year and will get ripped a new one in song form. It's Passive-Aggressive Mixtapeology, and it's going to be awesome. Focking awesome!

(Also, did anyone used to watch the Rosie O'Donnell Show? Remember that one time she made up a song about the Kotex Multi-Pack of tampons? That song is stuck in my head and WILL NOT STOP. I am really, really frightened about the things my brain absorbs and chooses to maintain. Especially since I cannot remember where I parked my car today.)

(That song will NOT be on amalah: the album though.)

(And I don't REALLY remember all the words to the song, but just have an image of Rosie O'Donnell holding a box of tampons singing "Multi-Pack! It's the Multi-Pack! It's the greatest idea Kotex ever had!" And it replays over and over again, along with her telling the audience that she "gets no money from the Kotex people." )

In other words, please kill me.

So even though I am clearly losing my fool mind, I'm glad all of y'all decided to de-lurk and say hi and say nice things about me and my life choices, except for one person who called Ceiba a food product (which is true...she does resemble some kind of smoked sausage snack that would taste really good on a RItz cracker), and one person who insulted the Uggs (YES, I KNOW. They are ugly and over. The Manolo, he does not approve. But they are COMFY and half of the people in my neighborhood are still wearing Christmas sweaters with JINGLE BELLS on them so who the fuck do I need to impress?). The rest of you were lovely and well-behaved and delightfully kiss-assy.

In fact, I was even able to do some market research with your comments and find out ways to make a better reading experience for us all. Here's what you and your fellow lurkers had to say about the site, in super-scientific Gallup poll results.

The De-Lurking Day Instapoll

99% think I am awesome

76% think Ceiba is awesome

34% think Ceiba sucks and Max is totally the awesomest

24% think no, shut up, Ceiba is the awesomest

85% want me to update more

15% want me to update a lot more

50% want more pet photos

49% want less pet photos, more shoe photos

1% really, REALLY want more shoe photos, preferably stilettos, or possibly Keds without socks, and also some toe cleavage

100% still did not get the Notify message about yesterday's post

17% want to work for me remotely, which no, that will not work, stop asking

2% want to sell me DISScouNT herBAl ViAGra

34% used a replacement for the word "fuck" (including fock, feck and frick), and seriously people, there's no need for that kind of fucking fake language here

40% want more drunk posts

0.2% want me to take better care of myself

6% know me in real life

4% would so write a tell-all book about me so email them!!

3% are my coworkers

1% are my boss

0% have a new job to offer me after I get fired



Wow, if 1% of my commenters were my boss I would be completely fired. Possibly repeatedly. Great that you have a more friendly workplace than I do...damn engineering jobs!

Anyway, missed delurking day and still wanted to say hello. Good luck with the emails!


I totally would've said something more meaningful and profound if I'd known I was being polled.


Thankfully I missed the Kotex song... what's been haunting me, which of course I am now going to SHARE with you is that damn Special K Commercial. So for 2 days have been singing "What's new Pussycat, whoa whoa whoa whoa Pussycat Pussycat I love you, yes I do.." With visions of Santa in a red speedo dancing through my head.

But I am wearing my eggplant boots today, so that makes it a little better. Am sure you understand how good footwear can improve even the bleakest of situations.

Josh Welsh

Well I have been reading your website ever since discovering the beautiful thing that is "Snarkywood" (seriously... it makes my heart sing). So when I saw that you wanted posts... I thought "Hey, why not"... then my evil boss made me work (you would think the three years of law school and passing the bar was enough to entitle me to a paycheck) therefore I never got around to posting.

Now I see you got WAY overloaded. Don't fret about a reply... I don't even reply to work emails half the time... I cannot imagine having to handle all of the email you must be getting.

So just consider this a friendly hello... a tepid fuzzy from an acrimonious fan in Pittsburgh.

Miss W

Ok, almost felt guilty about not posting yesterday, but then realized I didn't care. Because you already know I love you and think you are awesome, so seriously, what would be the point? Will not be one of the slobbering masses groveling at your feet. Will be that one attempting-to-be-cool girl who waits a day and then does it ;)

Also? I hate you for reminding me of Rosie and the damn Kotex!


UGGs are over? Dammit! I just got mine for Christmas! I'll be the nerd who got the trendy boots too late and still wears them well into the springtime because they feel so good on her feet. K, thnx.


I just wanted to brag and say I got a email especially for me from the Queen of the Universe Amalah. HAHHA Bitches! I'm cool now! I feel loved and pretty. Thank you. Hi Max, Ceiba, and Amalah!


Hey, I will say I also think you picked out a good husband as well as a kitty and puppy. Yay for Jason for being so good to the Queen of the Universe!

David Lechnyr

It's all very "Jessica-Simpson"-like with way better attitude around here. I enjoy each of your blog entries tremendously. Is that a bad thing? ;-)


Yeah, I kinda felt bad about posting because at that point you already had about a bazillion comments but you know what? I knew you'd enjoy the numerous declarations of awesomeness. And OK, yesssss ... I heart the e-mails and the validation!


I saw a girl wearing Uggs last night at the mall. I thought of you.

Also, you have better legs.


i got not one, but TWO emails! take that all you other lurkers!


You're just too damn popular for your own good, missy. That's what you get for trying to be all nice and friendly and non-bitchy.

Also, who do I have to make out with to get myself and amalah: the album CD?


Okay, so I've been meaning to say this for quite some time and after reading this post, I FINALLY decided that NOW is the time to say this. Ready?

You are awesome and your site fucking rocks. (Notice I said FUCKING rocks and not FOCKING rocks. I'm a sharp enough guy to know that it was funny at first. Not so much so, now.)

I also want you to know that I am here everyday, hoping for a new post. Yes, I'm on the whole NotifyList thing but as we've recently discovered, it's just not "all that".

Also, in response to your scientific Gallup poll results, I must note how I feel with regard to the following:

(I am part of the 99% that thinks that you are awesome.)

76% think Ceiba is awesome. (Yup. I agree.)

34% think Ceiba sucks and Max is totally the awesomest. (I am indifferent to this one.)

24% think no, shut up, Ceiba is the awesomest. (Again, indifferent.)

85% want me to update more. (Definitely!)

15% want me to update a lot more. (Most definietly!)

50% want more pet photos. (Okay sure why not?)

49% want less pet photos, more shoe photos. (I'm into shoe photos.)

1% really, REALLY want more shoe photos, preferably stilettos, or possibly Keds without socks, and also some toe cleavage. (I'm into this, too. Not in a pervy sorta way though just moreso in a pervy sorta way.)

100% still did not get the Notify message about yesterday's post. (Yep, count me in on this one.)

17% want to work for me remotely, which no, that will not work, stop asking. (I'm too busy as it is and not that you asked anyway. Sorry.)

2% want to sell me DISScouNT herBAl ViAGra. (I have a GREAT deal on this. Also on Fre3 Tr1@l$ 0F h3rB@l Vi@gr@. Get with me on this.)

34% used a replacement for the word "fuck" (including fock, feck and frick), and seriously people, there's no need for that kind of fucking fake language here. (Fuck no! I completely fucking agree!)

40% want more drunk posts. (Yeah, these are fun.)

0.2% want me to take better care of myself. (Well, ya! If you don't, how are you gonna post more often? Hm? Answer me that one.)

6% know me in real life. (Can't say that I do. But I FEEL like I do - in kind of a "you FEEL like you know Rosie O'Donnell or Ellen Degeneres sorta way. Not that I'm implying you're a lesbian at all. Or have any lesbian tendencies. Not that there would be anything wrong with that. Okay, I'm going to stop now.)

4% would so write a tell-all book about me so email them!! (I can barely eek out a daily post.)

3% are my coworkers. (Nope. Not me.)

1% are my boss (You are not the boss of me, nor I of you.)

0% have a new job to offer me after I get fired. (I'd pay you to post to your blog everyday if I could. Oh, and take photos, too! Yeah, photos are great.)

Is this the longest comment EVER, by the way?


Yay! for getting emails from Amalah!
What an incentive for de-lurking more often.


Actually, not to sound ultra-brainy and therefore alienate EVERYBODY, but those songs you get stuck in your head? The scientific name for them is, I kid not, "ear worms". And it's proven that companies make it a point to give ear worms because you cannot get them out of your head. Also? Women have a harder time getting rid of said worms, which would be why I'm doing the Charmin cha-cha-cha while doing laundry.


I'm feeling very smug because I was one of the twenty to get an email. Woo! And I so very much do want you to update more often, but god knows that I can barely squeeze out an update a week, so I'll just shut the hell up right now.


1). Never received the notice about yesterday's post.

2). Do not feel guilty about lurking as am not a lurker and have commented before. Am THRILLED, though, at those who stepped out of the shadows and answered your summons as those are even more people who will stand in line at the book store when 'Amalah: My Story" is published.

3). Can totally relate to the song in your head. Cannot stop singing that Kinks song? The one about photographs, ' taken of your mama, taken by your papa, a lo-o-o-o-ng time ago' on that digital camera commercial? Help?

4). Have developed annoying habit of listing everything by number since Jan 1 when my resolution was to be more organized. Help?


Wow, you're de-lurking day was pretty damn successful. So stressful to be so popular, I imagine.

And your email validated me completely. Which is really all I want in life. Validation...and money...and a new ride. But I'll take your validation for now. Or I'll take your money. You can choose.

sarcastic journalist

I did have 3% of my coworkers and 1% of my boss stopped by! Then I got fired!

But since my boss was 1% human being, 99% complete asshole, I guess it worked out for the best.


Am feeling snubbed by Amalah - Goddess of the Universe! I feel lost. Used to be a coworker but escaped to "other side". Where do I fit in? Where am I in the poll?? Obviously I know you in real life. I have posted before, although I must confess, not recently. I have been busy with b-o-y-f-r-i-e-n-d (!!!), who has been incredibly wonderful as of late, particularly with those darling robin's egg blue boxes bearing pretty, shiny gifts...
I must say that:
A) Ceiba and Max are both wonderful creatures, of course.
B)Marry Jason - oh wait, you did that.
C)Of course take good care of yourself.
D)Make plans for how you will spend your millions and not abuse your fame and power upon being published and winning major book awards, etc.
E)I also know previous postperson/non-lurker who is having trouble with enumerating and I say to her: "You're right, you're right, I know you're right."
F)We love you Amalah! Keep on posting!


The whole Ugg thing depends on where you live. They might be out in New York and LA, but they've only just caught on everywhere else. A couple weeks ago at the mall, it seemed like every female between the ages of eleven and sixteen was wearing a pair, and they were in many, many colors.

And re: the "ear worms." I too have trouble with the Cha cha cha Charmin song and have been singing it at random times for weeks now. Ugh. Or Ugg.


I didn't get yesterday's notify. As such, no de-lurk. But, hello. I enjoy the pictures of the purses, because I am also a purse-slut.

However, I can't condone the wearing of the Uggs... and I live in what are currently nearly sub-arctic conditions, here on the Canadian Prairies. No Uggs, not even here where furry boots of most kinds are helpful to avoid losing appendages.

Real Girl

Had planned to lurk today, but, well, best laid plans and all. Look at the magnetism you wield...

So here I comment, all the while cringing at the mental image of Rosie O'Donnell holding a tampon. *Shudder.* Whatcha gonna sing about next, Roseanne Barr in a bikini?


You know that box you check where it says "Remember me because I am special?" Hooo, am I feeling it! I am one of the lucky listeners. . .er. . .readers who got an EMAIL! From AMALAH! Thanks! I just wish I knew other people who read this so I could brag.

Anyway - for those who think that fock is over - it isn't. Fock is funny. But also funny? "Flip." As in "Where's the flipping Q-tips?" or "What the flip?" As in Napoleon Dynamite. If you can add the lippy pout and the eye squint - it's even better.

So Fock Yeah! And thanks for the email, Amy!

-Wankmaster Weed


I'm commenting on the comment you emailed me regarding my (possibly) first (but you know I'm not even sure about that, I tend to comment all over the fucking web -- it's quite possible I've commented on here before) comment. Wait. What?

If it came right down to it, I'd have to save Max first because the boots *are* a wee bit ugly and Ceiba can totally swim her own ass to shore.


I'm voting for the Max. He's a charmer.


You know that I read ya girl, even though I'm mostly a lurker who doesn't take the time to say anything. You crack me up, and I thank you for making me smile. :)

I can't believe that you still don't have an editorial assistant after all this time. I remember you talking about that ages ago! If you actually have the time to answer this, with all the love and comments you've been getting for the past few days (in addition to your normal, everyday comment-load)...what are the qualifications? How low is "low" pay? I've never thought about editorial work, but I **love** editing. Might be something for me to think about.


I want to hear the Kotex song! Because I am twisted like that.

WHERE can I hear the KOTEX SONG?


I love Max but Caiba (SAY-ba) cracks me up -- so cute. Oh & i've finally found Jason's site which I lurve, even though I live in Perth, Western Australia & not D.C -- how's that for suck-upedness? -- but I AM a foodie so that's my excuse & I'm sticking to it. Food & make-up, wahey. And oh yeah, update more. *grin*


Shoes! Yes! More shoe photos!


Talk about some real fucking service for a change! You lurk, then you post, then MINUTES later you get a quirky, funny email ALL FOR YOUR VERY OWN.

But wait! It gets better! You reply to the email and GUESS WHAT HAPPENS??!? You get a REPLY from Amalah to your reply.

Excuse me. I need to go change my shorts now.


I made the mistake of reading everyone's comments before I posted and I now have the Charmin song stuck in my head thanks to Muppet. And now I've totally forgotten what I was going to say. Damn. Toilet. Paper. Song. Meh.


I pointedly commented on no one's blogs on de-lurking I am a rebel! Yes, that is it! Not lazy or anything!

I personally got a kick out of you using the word "absorb" in a paragraph in which you discuss tampons. I am a sad little individual.

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