Do Not Fuck With the Un-Pregnant Women


The worst hiatus ever continues!

One Saturday morning, many, many Saturday mornings ago, a little girl was eating her Cheerios and watching her cartoons. It was her birthday, but no one was awake yet because no one else cared about watching animated Pound Puppies solve mysteries at 8 a.m. on a weekend.

But then, without warning, a bright pink box appeared in front of the little girl. It was a Barbie, and it was the most beautiful Barbie in the entire motherfucking world. It was Peaches 'n Cream Barbie, who was as pretty as a peach blossom and who came with a GLAMOROUS CHANGE-AROUND STOLE that you could style all sorts of interesting ways, including as a very slutty dress if you used it by itself. There was also a little Vanna White wheel with stole styles on one side and hot date destinations on the other (i.e. dinner, movie, whorehouse) to save you from having to use your imagination.

The little girl's big sister had bought Peaches 'n Cream her own self, and I swear to God, there was never a better-loved Barbie in all the land.

For about four hours.

After carefully arranging Peaches 'n Cream on the family room sofa (legs straight out, head cocked towards the television, detachable wrap-around stole a vision in peach synthetic fabric), I went something else. Probably pee.

When I came back, my mother was casually sitting on the sofa reading the newspaper.

"Where's Peaches 'n Cream?" I asked.

She gestured towards a nearby heap of semi-naked Barbies and said, "Isn't she over there?"

I rolled my eyes at the sheer ignorance. Clearly, none of those dolls were Peaches 'n Cream. Those dolls were garbage. They all had hopelessly tangled hair and were missing at least one shoe. Those were yesterday's fashion dolls.

After a lot of whining and digging around the couch cushions I persuaded my mother to stand up. And that's where I found Peaches 'n Cream.

My mom had SAT on her and SMUSHED her head. She now had a big gash running from her neck to her nose. I could see the extended plastic neck and white swivelly thing through the rip in her pretty face.

Amy: waaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllllsssssss

Amy's Mother: horrified, yet chooses this moment to remind daughter about leaving toys on the couch where yeah, they get sat on from time to time

Amy: waaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllllllllllsssssssss

In the end, there was nothing anybody could do. We crazy-glued her head and left her wrapped in rubber bands overnight, only to have the wound pop open the minute anyone touched her.  I never threw her out though, and everytime I was introduced to a new type of adhesive (rubber cement, Elmer's paste sticks, glue from my sister's false eyelashes), I tried to repair her.

Amy's Mother: Well, Peaches' clothes are still fine. You can dress up one of your other dolls instead. They're all the same.


I still tell this story from time to time...usually around the holidays, usually to my nieces and nephews to scare the crap out of them, and usually to make my mom really regret choosing that one instance to teach me a lesson about responsibility instead of just rushing out and buying me another damn Barbie.

Apparently, somebody was paying attention.

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Thank you eBay. And thank you Jason. Although I am now faced with a dilemma. Peaches 'n Cream is quite a collectors' item now, and I'm not supposed to take her out of the box. But how can I resist that glamorous change-around stole?

(BY THE WAY: The original 1985 price tag? That is still on the box? $8.05. EIGHT DOLLARS AND FIVE CENTS. Not to be a total brat, but Mom? Don't you think it might have been worth splurging $8.05 to prevent your 8-year-old daughter who had already written four books from someday writing a book about the time you sat on her Barbie? Or even worse, writing about it on the futuristic Internet? I'm just saying.)



Okay. So I never ever doubted that your husband rocked. He sends you flowers, he buys you pretty things, and he takes care of you when you're feeling down.

But from someone who has SEVERE attachment issues to items lost or never received during her childhood? That gesture - finding that Barbie for you? Is the most romantic thing I've ever heard of in my ENTIRE life. No lie. Better than roses, and diamonds, and shoes. AWESOME.


i loved peaches and cream barbie!!! that wraparound stole was SO HOT, YO. congrats on the ebay find.


Wow, Ebay never ceases to amaze me. I think I'll have to search for Sherah goods now.

I also had Peaches and Cream Barbie. One day, my dad stripped her of her clothing and hid it somewhere in our house and he forgot where he put it, causing me to go batshit of course, and we didn't find the dress until about 8 years later.


What a weird coincidence, but someone sat on my Peaches 'n Cream Ken. But that's a really different story.


Oh My Gosh someone else who remebers that Peaches and Cream Barbie was the shit! You are so cool Amy! She was the best Barbie ever and honestly the only one I remember having.

Barbie and the Rockers sucked compared to her


Oh my gosh! I had Peaches 'n Cream, too. I didn't think anyone remembered her! I LOVE,LOVE, LOVED the peach stole and I use to daydream of the day that I, too, would have peach colored stole. Yeah, that day still hasn't arrived (And you think I'm kidding when I say I'd wear it...)


I LOVED Peaches & Cream Barbie! Loved her. Especially the Change-Around Stole.

Jason is officially the Best Husband Ever.


I had her too! Doesn't she have pretty jewelry, like a diamond ring or diamond earrings or something? I liked the sparkly bodice of the dress. And the stole, of course.

I have serious doll envy right now. You are a lucky girl.


I don't have any Barbie stories to share, but I agree that Jason rocks.


Peaches and Cream was my favorite Barbie Ever!!! My daughter plays with all my old Barbies now, and I just saw that dress the other night when I was trying to pick up her room.


I loved Peaches n' Cream Barbie!! She really was the coolest.
Although hearing about your mom sitting on her and breaking her head off reminded me of the time I was brushing my sister's Skipper doll's hair and the whole head popped off. My sister screamed and cried and my mom reattached the head by cramming the head down on the neck. Skipper became no-neck Skipper and couldn't turn her head unless you used force. I felt so bad, but it was an accident, I swear!!


I totally had one of those. A collectors item now? What was I thinking when I crimped her hair and painted her toenails?

Her detachable stole was the bestest part of the whole ensemble. I miss her. I wonder what she is up to now....

Real Girl

Fess up. The whole Mom sitting on Peaches 'n Cream's head thing? That was really last year, wasn't it.

Sigh. I'll never find a jacket I loved more than my Roller Barbie's purple spangly roller skate jacket. She had real roller skates, too. Clearly I've got some ebay searching to do...

Your husband is a total doll.

So, don't leave him on the couch or anything.


I loved Peaches 'n Cream Barbie. Loved. Am now sad that I don't have her right this very second. Jason is awesome!


The day the propeller of my G.I. Joe Tamahawk helicpoter broke off because my dad had the nerve to STEP on it when it was lying in plain view on the floor was a very sad day in my life. It still flew though, carried by some mystical and magical force that the G.I. Joe's borrowed from He-Man or something. And the propeller became an often used chinese star. I would have preferred it on the helicopter though.


I missed out entirely on the cultural phenomena of Barbies because my mother said I was not allowed to have a doll with "boobs" until I had "boobs" myself.

And when I was cursed with the "boobs" in 4th grade - did I get a Barbie? Noooo...

Barbie: The source of and solution to all pre-adolescent trauma.


I too had a Peaches and Cream Barbie. In fact it was the last Barbie I was ever allowed to have because I insisted ion cutting Barbie's hair and giving her magic marker high lights. So then my mother REFUSED TO BUY ANY MORE BARBIES. Like ever. The fact that I remember this shows how much it effected me. Also, LOVED Pound Puppies and USA in the mornings had the rockingest cartoons.


That is the scariest Barbie ever! And I say collecters, shmelecters -- take her out and play!

When I was a wee girl, I was given a "Growing Up Skipper" as a gift. You cranked her arm around in a circle, and she grew taller and more "well developed." A boobie Barbie! I have pictures of all of my relatives with their mouths gaped open in horror as they cranked her arm only to find that she grew up AND out.


I still have my Peaches n' Cream Barbie!


The little wheel thingy was so cool! Also her shoes. Barbie shoes were/are great.


More proof that Jason is a genius. Any man who will buy Coach bags and Barbies and is still not gay? That is a MAN.


snifff. . .never had a Barbie. Not one. Sigh.

I did get a Dorothy Hamill doll - which was kinda like a Barbie - but not. Her feet were too big for Barbie shoes, but she could fit into her clothes. She would be wearing a hot little beach number. . .and ice skates. Or Formal Barbie Ball Gown. . .and ice skates. or nothing. . .and ice skates.

It wasn't quite the same. Also? Can't play with the Dorothy Hamill hair.

Thanks for the Hiatial break.

Lisa B

Actually, if that would have been my mom, being as hormonally imbalanced and overstressed as she was, she would have screamed at me to shut up, slapped me for still crying and then thrown the doll in the fire of our wood-buring stove where some of my other toys wound up when she had a temper tantrum. If that woman whould have been on a HEAVY dose of antidepressants and anti anxiety drugs, life would have been alot easier!) Ok. Now since I read your post and have thought of my mom, I'm feeling the need to call the therapist I spent so much time with years ago. :-)

I've always thought that someday if I have a daughter, she will have TONS of Barbies as my mom was too cheap to buy them. And maybe she'll let me play with them too And if her brother would break the heads off (as mine did with my knock-offs), I would kick his butt because I KNOW how tragic that is when you are 8.

But I love your post and if you want to play Barbies, get Ms. Peaches-N-Cream out of her box and show her a good time!

Ok Sorry. But the point was that you have a most wonderful honey to do something like that for you. And isn't it funny how moms are?


This isn't the same thing at all, but when I was little, I LONGED for a play kitchen. My mom wanted to get me one, but my dad was all, "Pay for a play kitchen? No, way! Not when I can build one myself and make it better!" Did he ever build me one? Nope. Did I ever have a play kitchen? Nope. But if my husband showered me with one? He'd be the best husband ever and I would TOTALLY play with it, even though I now have the real thing and totally enjoy cooking.


I had a Growing Up Skipper doll too! But I must say that one of my favorite doll toys I had as a little girl was The Sunshine Family. I had the whole family AND their ROCKIN' TREE HOUSE. They were a very cool, organic, hippy-like little family and I LOVED them the bestest. Well, them and my Big Wheel. I did find many Sunshine Family "collector" memorabilia on eBay as well but have yet to buy. Your husband DOES get the award -- how wonderful to know you are so loved!


I too had THE peaches n'cream barbie. In fact, last I heard she shaved her head and joined all the other skin-head lesbo barbies I do I miss playing barbies!!!


I'm having issues now because I never had a Peaches and Cream Barbie. I need to go call my mom now.


Gawd, your husband rocks. ITA with Zoot. I am jealous. "Surprise" gifts from my husband only come after days and days of anvil-type hints and willful manipulation. *sigh*

Dr. Johnny Fever

I once had this kick-ass KISS drum set. I swear, I was going to be the next John Bonham or Geddy Lee (for the uninitiated, those are drummers). Then my damn sister sat on one of the drumsticks and snapped it in two. Now I work in health care, wondering what might have been.

Remind me to stab my sister with a spork.

Scarlett Cyn

I'm SO with Zoot. So, DITTO what Zoot said. Especially the attachment issues thing.

I always wanted the Peaches N' Cream Barbie but I never, EVAH got her *sob*. The barbie that sticks out in my head was the Kissing Barbie that actually puckered and made kissing noises. I thought that was cool.

There was ALSO a barbie that I adored, all in pink with fur capes and stoles and lots of different accessories and clothing items all in palest pink that for the life of me I can't remember the name of. I loved that doll. WHEW! *gasps for breath*

A sekrit? I'm still a sucker for Barbies. As proof? The Princess of Ireland Barbie I bought myself last Christmas.(box closed)


Just reading Peaches and Cream Barbie's name gave me a flashback to being at someone else's house -- someone who had her, that longed-for doll. She was soooo beautiful. I, sadly, never had a Barbie. Ever. I wanted Peaches and Cream so much, and also the Valentine's one.

Can't you at least open the box and touch her hair? Um. Not to be fetishistic or anything.

Jackie O

For the love of Bob take that Barbie out of her box and play with her! She has been in there for sooooo long waiting to reawaken your love for her wounded sister.

I was big on Barbies. I think it's why I love fashion so much today. Although with Barbies I just always dressed them as sluttily as possible. And they had pageants and dramatic relationships with my two Ken dolls (one was actually Prince Charming and he was preferred b/c he had brown hair).

Fraulein N

Uh-oh. Waaaaant. I'm off to eBay!


Never, EVER having a Barbie of my own I am somewhat jealous. Ya see, my mom hated Barbies. When I told her I wanted one she got all "feminist" on me and said that if Barbie was real, she couldn't walk because her boobs were too big, her waist was too small and her legs were too long. Therefore she would lay face down on the floor, due to being so out of proportion, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah. (Damn my flat chested, artsy fartsy, mom . . . who I think was just jealous of Barbie and her extravegant lifestyle).

So, you still have the old Peaches and Cream, eh? Try E-6000. That adhesive could glue peanut butter and olive oil together. Then the new Peaches and Cream would have someone to play with.

By the way YOU ROCK!


i had her! i'm sure she's not as pretty as yours though, 'cause i took mine out of the box. i'm glad to hear you got one! yay! i don't CAN you resist it? if you can, you will be a woman of STEEL, dammit.

also? in that first picture, she kind of looks possessed, with the hollow black eyes and whatnot.


Oh, man. Now I'm wondering what happened to all of my Barbies. I know all of their shoes got vacuumed up years ago.

Thank jeebus for eBay.


I always loved my Barbies. I lugged them around with me in my 'special' trunk. You know the one with drawers for the shoes and rails to hang her clothes on cute little plastic hangers? Of course, as a harbinger of clutter-challenges to come, the dresses never stayed on the hangers, and everything, including dolls, got shoved in whichever way they would fit.

I did have my ONE VERY SPECIAL doll. It was the one and only ...CHER doll with the MAGIC MIRROR dressing room! She came with outfits appropriate for an appearance on the "Sonny and Cher Show" AND a very cool Indian Princess outfit in honor of Cher's Native American heritage.

Cher doll ROCKED! I placed her feet in the holders in front of her magic mirror, turned the dial, and the mirror image changed to several different looks, each more fantastic than the next. Her hair was black as ebony, and much tougher than Barbies blonde wisps. Using my Mom's regular brushes on HER wouldn't rip any hair plugs out, oh no. Thick and lustrous......

eek. Time to go look in the mirror and remind myself that It has been at least 15 years since I played with this doll. heh


Oh my God, I had totally forgotten about Peaches and Cream Barbie. Has it been that long? It was actually my sister's (I wasn't really into dolls), but I do remember it was one of the better ones.

My big thing was My Little Ponies. Recently, I retrieved my long lost Powder on eBay. I had a moment. *sniff*


Ok -- I had a peaches and cream, and YES the change around stole was quite the accessory. I say open it... what the hell!


Happy Peaches and Cream!

What a cool Jason you have!


*Note to self* - do NOT read things that will touch your heart and make you bawl when you're pms'ing b/c then you can't stop and then your boss asks you what's wrong and all you can say is - BARBIE. I'm a blubbering idiot right now and that is the sweetest thing I think I have read in a long time. Hugs, Nikki


awww...i loved that barbie!


I loved Barbie!

My mom's best friend's son, Marc, liked to come over to my house and play Barbies with me. Marc and I aways had a love/hate relationship, though. He always demanded to be Barbie and I had to be Ken because he was my guest.

I hated being Ken. Ken was all plastic haired and his clothes just were NOT cool.

Anyway, a few years ago my mother called me to tell me that Marc had just "come out" to his family. I told her I already knew. She was shocked and asked me when. I told her when I was seven and that Barbie told me.


I had Peaches too, and I loved her. She was the beautifulest, bestest Barbie ever. And then my sister stole her and refused to admit that Peaches was mine. And then Peaches got lost. And I never forgot it. I still wish I had her.


I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE HER. Peaches 'n Cream is officially the BEST Barbie ever. I am so jealous.


I'm sorry, but how the hell can sitting on a plastic Barbie head result in a gash? Wouldn't the head kind of sink into itself and just pop back out? Maybe your mother was reading the newspaper with a switch blade?

I'm just saying, there's a mystery here!


I didn't have a peaches'n cream barbie, probably because the Mattel people were too cheap to translate the packaging into French for the Quebec market (we only ever got the Generic Barbies....)
But can I just say, that is one Fugly doll!


You have a great memory...I don't remember the doll as being so hideous. God, I hope I don't end up with kids who are obsessed with Barbie.


I HAD that Barbie!! I also had Barbie and the Rockers, you know..when Ken had REAL hair. And I always come Ken had fleshy draws on while Barbie ran around commando?

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