Thumpity Thump
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A Sonogram Story

Confidential to my coworkers who may be wondering what happened to that entire box of Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies that disappeared from the kitchen about 30 seconds after it appeared: It wasn't me. I swear.

By the time I got to the ultrasound appointment, I was only thinking about my bladder. My furtive prayers and soul-selling bargains with God had switched from "please don't let anything be wrong with my baby" to "please please please don't let me pee myself on the elevator."

Making a woman show up for a medical appointment with a full bladder is mean. Our bladders are always full, and we always have to pee. Just ask anyone who has ever driven anywhere with us.

Making a pregnant woman show up for a medical appointment with a full bladder is just fucking sadistic. Making her fill out insurance forms while she's visibly fighting back tears and hopping around on one foot is perhaps the most evil thing that can be done to a human being.

I ended up bolting for the bathroom by the time I got to the line asking for my employer's information, because OH MY GOD, I DON'T REMEMBER WHERE I WORK, BUT I REMEMBER THAT THERE ARE TOILETS THERE. Then I stuck my head under the sink faucet and desperately tried to drink enough water to ensure a re-filled bladder within the next five minutes.

(By the way, Jason witnessed all of this and thinks I am the most insane person ever. But it's okay because I got to witness him reading a pregnancy & baby magazine in the waiting room, which he picked up OF HIS OWN FREE WILL.)

I was still recovering from my near-miss bladder explosion when we were called back by the most adorable ultrasound technician ever. She looked exactly how an ultrasound technician should look. Cute and round and sort of fluffy. I don't know. Post-urination euphoria or something. All I know is that she warmed up the ultrasound goo before putting it on my belly, and I love her.

In the 15 seconds it took for her to locate my uterus, the screen was blank and empty and completely devoid of anything remotely baby-like, and I realized that I was not pregnant after all and was going to have a very difficult time explaining to Jason why I've been demanding so much Kraft Macaroni & Cheese this past week. Then I felt bad for wasting our soft and pretty technician's time.

"And there's your baby!" she said.

I think I said something supremely stupid at this point. Like, "Really? For real?" Like she was lying.

And she zoomed in, and yes, there it was. Tiny and sort of oblong but undoubtably embryo-like.

I don't remember who grabbed whose hand first, but suddenly Jason and I were squeezing the hell out of each other's fingers.

And then I saw the flicker. Jason raised his finger to point and the tech said, "And there's the hearbeat! See it flickering?"

And I let out the breath I think I've been holding in for about a month.

She ordered me to lie still and then turned up the volume.


And then there were tears and some laughing and a lot of "oh my Gods" and she turned to us and told us Happy Valentine's Day and I suddenly realized that this RIGHT HERE was the greatest moment of my entire life.

"About 160 beats-per-minute," she told us, which meant nothing to either of us, so we just nodded studiously. (However, if you're playing the Guess-the-Gender-Old-Wives-Tale-a-Thon, heart rates above 140 supposedly mean a girl, but not necessarily at this early stage, and really, not ever.)

Then it was kind of a boring blur as she took images and measurements of all sorts of random things. Cervix, check. Right ovary, check. Left ovary, check. Big honkin' cyst on left ovary, check.

Secret, persistant fears of a tubal pregnancy because of the twinges of pain on my left side? Rendered stupid and obsolete. Stupid cyst. Don't eat my baby.

Then it was back to the center square for one last look at the baby and another listen to the heartbeat. The baby measured right on schedule, which means my baby can officially be named the first Spawn of De-Lurking Day, and now you all know what I was doing on January 5, 2005, and that it was not responding to my hundreds of de-lurking comments like I claimed to be doing.

She printed out two pictures for us (one with arrows pointing at the wee blob and helpfully labeled "BABY"), but unfortunately they don't offer the heartbeat as an MP3 file for your iPod. It's like living in the Dark Ages, I swear.

Also, I do not own a scanner, so I can't post the ultrasound pictures until someone a) Buys me a scanner, or b) Shows me how to use one at work for illicit personal reasons, which I'm sure is allowed, except that I'm too shy to ask a coworker to help me scan photos of my womb.

Afterwards, Jason and I went out for a Valentine's Day dinner at a very nice restaurant, where I could not eat a thing, because the entire restaurant smelled like scallions.

Jason: (sniffs) I don't smell anything.

Amy: I cannot believe you don't smell the scallions.

Jason: Well, here's something that might take your mind off...

Amy: I mean, MY GOD, does the kitchen put scallions on everything? Do they think people really like scallions that much?

Jason: I'm sorry, babe, but like I was saying...

Amy: NOBODY likes scallions that much. NOBODY.

Jason: (gives up, practically throws Tiffany's box at scallion-obsessed wife)


Yep. That's a sterling silver baby rattle. Baby's First Tiffany's. This is going to be one spoiled little Tadpole.*

Anyway. Keep on with the thumping, Tadpole. We'll see you in about 12 weeks to nose around your private parts and such. And if you're good***, we'll buy you some more expensive shiny things.

*I have been ordered by both my mother and Jason** to stop calling the baby Eraserhead. Apparently, it's "weird" and "gross" or "something."

**We now know that Jason does not read this site as often as he claims, as he was unaware of the whole Eraserhead nickname until I told him about it, and while he was not amused, we are all free to talk about him as much as we want, because he'll never know.

***You totally don't have to be good. We will spend money on you anyway.



Super news! I'm glad all is well, and that's a very sweet gift from Jason.


Even though he won't see this...what a super sweet Daddy! How cute is that rattle!?!


Oh congradulations!! Isnt that the most beautiful sound in the world. Also I think we should start a "Giant Tumor on Left Ovary" as I am in the same boat but Im about 20 weeks now. I know that is very gross but at least you know you are not alone with that.

Dr. Johnny Fever

Mmm. Scallions.


But I liked Eraserhead!!!!


Spoiled Little Tadpole has a ring to it.


Totally teared up on that one. I am so glad you and Eraserhead are doing well.

And yes, I am totally going to refer to the wee blob as Eraserhead until you give it a Real Child Name. Because it is CUTE in that non-gag-inducing way. I like it.


My god, I almost cried at work. That was such a sweet story. I look forward (one day in the distan future) when my husband and I get pregnant. Well, I would get pregnant, not him, cause that's impossible, unless you are Arnold Swartzenarger, but not I am off subject. Congrats. Can you take a digital picture of the sonogram? I dont know if that would work.. Are you getting bigger?

type a

girl! i only made it as far as "squeezing the hell out of each other's fingers" before this bizarre wet thing was in the bottom of my eye.

you got pregnant exactly four days after i got engaged. how cool are we?

and i have to agree with the eraserhead thing - tadpole is much better. and also? i tried to think of bad things to say about jason, you know, just for fun, but i got nothing. nothing. he's the best.


You should have put something next to the rattle to show SIZE - I thought Jason bought you a teddy bear belly button ring, which seemed a wee bit odd.

Just - for future reference. Some of us are stupid.

And you get sensitive to smells when you're pregnant. Did you know that? I bet you didnt.


I've never been pregnant, but I did have a bladder infection in college, and I remember being asked to drink a gazillion gallons of water before my appointment. I also remember waiting over an hour before they called me in. Crying doest NOT give you the same release as a good pee.

RockStar Mommy

Okay, ummm they need to make a Mommy's First Tiffany's something or other... it wouldn't technically be my first, but it would be my only since I had to give the bracelet back because dude that gave it to me was a dick. I'm jealous.


Conceived on De-Lurking Day . . does this mean Sheryl ( is the godmother?

And, am LOVING these posts . . .


Jason? Way to start this kid off on the right track. Now if you could get working on that Coach diaper bag, I think we'd be all set!


You could always take a digital photo of the sonogram, in lieu of having to figure out how to scan it. Or some of us (me) could get off our lazy duffs and come see the picture in person. ;)


How SWEET is that rattle?

Oh God, I'm totally watery-eyed at work. Take care of yourself and Tadpole. Thin Mints are the best!


My in-laws hated that I called my pregnancy " the parasite." Can't imagine why.


There's nothing quite like having the best moment of your entire life and KNOWING it's the best moment of your entire life while it's still happening.

I'm wishing you lots of those moments.


Aw, I kinda liked "eraserhead" .


That entry was amazing Amy. I'm so happy for you and Jason. I told Jerry about it over and over again. Teehee! Congrats again!


What a lovely tear-inducing entry. You guys are neato, and you're going to have a neato kid. Who gets little blue boxes while still in the womb! That is awesome.


I remember my first ultra, what an amazing moment. Seeing the heartbeat, brings tears to my eyes.
Anyway, I'm about ready for my second ultra sound, on Monday Feb. 21st, I'm about 5 months I'm super excited.

yay, I love stories like this, and I love knowing other people who are pregnant. So, um, I'm Laura, nice to meet you. Glad I found your site. :) The baby says hi too apparently, being as I was just kicked incredibly hard. :P


Squeeee and lurve and
Loave and tweee
To Amy and Jason
And their little baby!

(twang twang)

Am a genius.


I liked eraserhead. This coming from someone who referred to their unborn child as "squid"

Real Girl

I was just thinking of De-Lurking day! Only...the G-rated version.

So, would this be a good time for a Focker joke?

I can't seem to think of any response but Awwwwww anymore.




Oh you are so cute and make me laugh. Totally enjoy this.
The evil part of my hope that that little cupcake is a boy. My boy has driven me damn nuts. I understand my daughters. My son, he flushes the cat down the toilet. I think you and Ceiba would have great stories with a cute little shit rockin' your world.
You are going to be a great mom.


I am a fan of Eraserhead. It just shows your intelligent wit. And it will make a great story to share with the wee blob when they grow up. My oldest was called "Sturge" (like sturgeon) by a good friend. He's 18 now and she still calls him that. I think he sort of likes it.
The hand grabbing totally pulled on my heartstrings. If that was the best moment of your life just imagine what it will be like in 7 months! You two are absolutely the sweetest couple. Lucky Eraserhead!


Speaking of De-Lurking Day...I'm not a troll however, just someone who really enjoys your blog and hasn't posted until now. Don't shoot me. ;-)

Laughing and crying at your wonderful post. You rock (but you already know that.) Congratulations - can't wait to hear if tadpole cooperates and flashes his or her goods at you in a few weeks!

Wishing you toilets in close proximity and no more scallions smell. Heh.


Totally have me tearing up at work. I remember the horror of full bladder sonogram appts. but then of course you don't care because BABY!!! So thrilled for you guys. LOVE the rattle! I can't think of a better Valentines Day than that!


Now Sheryl has a really good way to market de-lurking day to to a whole bunch of blogs. Guarrenteed knock-upage!


How wonderful! Too bad they don't offer an MP3 - that would be so cool.

That's awesome about the Tiffany's gift, your baby will be the coolest kid on the block!
(And BTW - you can call the baby Tadpole, but we'll really know you mean Eraserhead. We'll just make the substitution in our heads when we read it.)


although I would love to talk bad about him pursuant to your request, I think your baby daddy is awesome for buying the tadpole (yes I was paying attention) such a beautiful gift. Congrats and enjoy every minute, you will laughing about that overfilled bladder nightmare someday, I swear!


Follow up:
Hate you for the UFIA reference on the side. Had no idea and now I wish I didn't.


okay..the water thing? ridiculous.
before my first ultrasound i was instructed to drink 4 liters of water. what they didnt realize was that i'm 5 foot 1 and weigh about 100 pounds. drinking that much water is just downright dangerous.

I had to pee twice before the ultrasound. my husband told me to just pee "some of it out." i tried to explain to him that it just doesn't [insert appropriate expletive here] work that way. you can't just pee some. but, even after peeing twice, i still managed to lay down on that table with a full bladder. hmmm...imagine that!

i learned for the next ones. now i drink about 2 cups of water, and it's always been fine.


I would never label you a Mommy Blog but I just realized that this will be the very first site written by a mommy, talking about her kid that I actually like.

Believe me, that's no small feat.

(And congratulations again. I can't imagine how happy you must be right now.)


Okay, I'm slow, but trying to keep up.

If you were DE-lurking, and got pregnant, what about all of us that are actively lurking?

Ew, I think i need to go wash my hands. Or maybe my keyboard.


I guess I'm confused. Does the baby actually play with the rattle? Because that thing looks heavy and like it could do some damage in the wild arms of a baby.


i was completely unaware to De-Lurking Day, however I have been lurking snarkywood today and think i might get fired because i was laughing so hard instead of studying for my broker's license. will you write my employer a letter explaining the benefits of reading snarky comments about celebrities?
thank you.

Jackie O

I like Eraserhead.

story: I was an only child for about five years before my parents broke the horrifying news that my mother was with child. Why? I am more than enough child. Why? Nevertheless, in an attempt to sweeten the deal, they said that I could help name the baby. After some thought, I told them, "If it's a boy, Poopoohead..." They cut me off and said nevermind I could NOT help name the baby before I could finish and say ", and if it's a girl, Ariel."


So sweet. I love the darling (if completely impractical) baby rattle.


Very, very awesome indeed.

Zoots Mom

I kind of like eraserhead too. My biggest concern would have been that the name stuck with him/her tho' and that would be what the poor thing was called forever. That would not really have been a good idea..Congratulations!!! and I love the bracelet but I too, thought it might be a belly ring..


My best friend from high school days called her baby "boots" from in the womb (because he looked like a little boot on the ultra sound, or so we thought) and he'll be 2 in June...his name is Zhionn, but guess what we ALL call him...that's right...."Boots" be careful.


De-lurking to say congratulations.
Nicely done.


Congratulations!!! I remember those days and the painfully full bladder. Here's to an enjoyable, happy, healthy pregnancy!

Oh how I wish I had a blog when I was preggers...


So I totally checked out what UFIA was too. Gah! You have drawn others into the pit!


That brought tears to my eyes. How sweet. The nose of a pregnant woman could be used to sniff for drugs at the airport.

Take a picture of your picture and then post it, next to your Tiffany rattle.




yummmm... thin mints. i haven't had those in AGES.

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