The Irony & The Ecstacy

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Amy: Hey, remember the Wednesday Advice Smackdown?

You:  No, not really. Was it like wrestling?

Amy: The thing! With the advice! On Wednesdays! I used to do it every week. Until two weeks ago-ish.

You: Yes. Two whole weeks have gone by. It is forgotten. Over. We have moved on to bigger and better and more frequently-updated weblogs.

Amy: Fine then. Fuck all y'all. I will just give out advice to my own damn self then and I hope you and your new favorite weblog will be very happy together.

You: Nooooo! Amy! I'm kidding! I could never love anyone as much as I love you. Never! I'm sorry! Look, I will give you money for no reason!

Amy: Well...okay then. I do enjoy money.

You: Wait. I totally did not just say all that stuff. You typed it yourself. That is so not cool.

Amy: La la la.

You: Give me back my money, bitch.

Amalah, I seek your sagilicious advice, since you are so experienced in blog-related drama.

I think I have a blog stalker. See, after my very first blog post ever, this girl commented that she loved my site, so--yay! Why don't I check hers out. Which I did, to find out she had copied my "about me" word for word as her own. Weeks later, I mentioned this to a friend, who then commented on the stalker's site--why are you stealing (insert secret identity blog name here)'s stuff? Stalker promptly apologized, removed my writing, and all was well with the world.

Until another comment popped up on my blog from someone with a secret identity extraordinarily similar (different by one word) to my own. She's started a new blog. Just like my own. Using my template at blogger (I know. I use a Template. Hate me forever and flog me twice). And with a catch phrase also similar to my own. She would like me to link to her on my blog. I am certain from her description, location, and--hell--MO that this is the same copy cat as before.

Here's the thing. I admire your brattiness. I could probably use some more of it myself. She's not a mean gal, and I don't wish to be mean toward her. How can I tactfully say to her: no, I do not want to link to you, Miss Copy Cat Stalker?

Real Girl

Can you believe I have never been plagiarized? Everybody's been plagiarized. I honestly don't think you're somebody until you've been plagiarized. I'm a nobody! Nobody wants to steal from me.

Possibly because they sense that I would personally break their index fingers if they did.

Anyway, you need to fight Crazy with Crazy. Here is what you write to Little Miss NutJob:

Dear Little Miss NutJob:

Thanks for commenting! You type very pretty. I bet you have handwriting like a serial killer.

As for your request for me to link to you, there's a bit of a problem. If I linked to your site, I would actually be linking to MYSELF, as there is so much copy-cattitude going on at your site I fear that linking to you would rip a hole in the blogosphere time-space continuum and Blogger would crash and suddenly we'd be in some parallel universe where I was copying from you and doing it in Chinese, for some reason.

And none of us want that. Only communists want that.


Real Girl

P.S. I heart Cheerios!

Hopefully she won't bother you again, because clearly, you'll have her beat in the unbalanced department. Suddenly emulating your site won't sound so great to her anymore and she'll go copy somebody else. Like me! And then I will get some violence, and everybody will be happy.

And then you go get somebody to make you a custom template. Just sayin'.


I know you are Very Busy right now, but I have a pressing question: We adopted a dog two weeks ago. Jelly is not as tiny as Ceiba, but she is small, and she has a lot less hair than she used to due to the grooming we gave her (necessary to get rid of all the crap - figurative AND literal, I'm afraid) that was in her fur. (See here for the before-and-after.)

Anyway, Jelly seems to be an elderly lady and she's cold a lot. She shivers and her little gums even flap. She does have an outside coat, but I'm afraid we may need to break down and buy her a sweater to wear indoors, esp. at night when we turn our heat very low (because we are cheap and also because it's nice to burrow into warm covers in a cold room).

So, here's my question: What does one look for in a dog sweater? Any styles, colors you think might be appropriate for an aged shih tzu/lhasa mix living in Maine (pleeeease don't say flannel!)? And, finally, how do we avoid being laughed at by all the other dogs and people?

Many thanks,

First of all, you will never avoid being laughed at by other dogs and people, because people? Are assholes. And a lot of them, apparently, are really really bugged by small dogs.

Is it the Paris Hilton thing? The Taco Bell thing? The assumption that EVERY SMALL DOG IS A CHIHUAHUA, because that’s the only small breed people know about?

I really don’t know. But after we got Ceiba, I was shocked by how mean people can be about small dogs. In the first month we had her, Ceiba was:

1) Referred to as a seizing, bald hamster,

2) Made fun of on an online forum, and

3) Called an ugly rat purse dog by total strangers.

And I got really fucking pissed off, each and every time. For Christ sakes, she was a PUPPY, in the CITY, where there are NO YARDS, and also? MY DOG.

Now I take it more in stride. I gently correct people when they say, “Yo quiero Taco Bell” at Ceiba like it’s the funniest thing ever, and I no longer punch people who ask me if I keep her in my purse like THAT’S the funniest thing ever.

And she wears her sweaters and coats unapologetically. Well, I put them on her that way, at least, because she fucking hates them. Luckily, a lot of people put coats on their dogs (big and small alike) in our neighborhood. The key is to buy ones that are practical. Simple. Not floofy.

Because if you’re outside waiting for your dog to take a shit so you can pick it up with a plastic baggie and your dog is wearing a pink fluffy cashmere sweater with flower-shaped buttons? You deserve to be laughed at. In fact, I’m laughing at you right now.

I’m also laughing at this.


In fact, let’s make that your first rule. No sweaters made from any type of luxury material. Mostly because your dog will end up eating most of the clothes you buy for her. Ceiba has destroyed three.

So just get a nice simple sweater, with no bows or bells or other dangly things. Be careful with turtlenecks, as they have the tendency to make your dog look like a giant Q-Tip. And no feather boas. Ever.

Dearest, loveliest, tartiest (in a good way!) Amalah:

What do you believe the shelf life of bangs will be this go 'round? Are bangs to go the way of ponchos or will they have the staying power of capris? Inquiring minds want to know.


All the cool kids are growing out their bangs.

Mine are already all the way down past my eye sockets!

(Sigh. I just spent 20 minutes trying to Photoshop some cool graffiti on a brick wall that says BANGS ARE DEAD before I remembered that I have no artistic talent whatsoever. And also that it was a stupid idea.)

Dear Ama lama ding-dong, and no, I don’t know what struck me to refer to you in this manner:

I am a married man seeking the advice of a married woman who might know about these things (I didn’t mean for that to come out like a personal ad, but there you have it) --

What would be a good present for the 2nd wedding anniversary? Mine is coming up soon and I am somewhat at a loss with the traditional “cotton” theme. The limited research I have done suggests things like sheets and pillows, which we already have in abundance. I’d like to do something that fits within the theme, but not so run-of-the-mill.

Any inspiration to share?

Okay, I'm going to tell you about The Greatest Anniversary Gift Ever now. Ever!

It was our wedding anniversary -- our ONE MONTH wedding anniversary. Couldn't you all just gag?

I was still in school at Penn State, and Jason knew that I read the Daily Collegian paper every damn day. (Because I used to work there for like, two weeks I felt I knew all the inner workings of the paper and finding copy editing mistakes totally made my day.) He also knew I always read the classifieds, so he placed the following ad that day:

Sun: This is it. Go to (such and such address) after class today. Dress sharp.

(Yes, his nickname for me was Sun. As in Sunshine. Shut up.)

The address was a jewelry store downtown, where the salesgirl had a little bag waiting for me with a necklace and earrings set in it. And a note from Jason telling me to head to Victoria's Secret in the mall.

There I met more salesgirls who were completely in love with my husband and presented me with a bag full of very sexy underwear that he'd picked out earlier. And...a note telling me to head home.

At home, there was a new dress laid on on the bed, a dozen roses on the table, and a note telling me to meet him at the Allen St. Grill back downtown. Which was the end, and dinner, and champagne, and la la la best day ever.

So yeah. Do that for your wife. Or you know, get her some nice cotton towels. I'm sure she'll like that just as well.


So, I have this friend who recently found out that she's pregnant. She has told family and some close friends, but has not yet disclosed this information publicly on her bloggy website thing. And I know that she must be dying to. Because she's struggled with fertility problems for a while now -- shit, this woman went so far as to buy a three pound dog that some might say looks like a seizing, bald hamster just to quell her baby cravings. And now she's going to have a REAL LIVE BABY! And that is VERY EXCITING! Especially considering her past non-pregnant difficulties. And I say that she should let the cat out of the Coach bag and tell the world, or at least her internet readers. How do I convince her to do so?


Well, you could always out her on her own damn advice column.

Which I guess you already did! Huh.

(Do you think anybody will actually read all the way down to the end of this post?)



I want a stalker. Or to be plagiarized. By a stalker. Wow, just VERY OWN stalker.

Oh, how we dare to dream!

type a

see? i was the opposite with asa. in the beginning, i tried to be understanding about the hate most fucktards harbor for the wee dog (as i used to a fucktard myself). but NOW? i dare you to look at my dog with even a hint of disgust. or even aloofness. i will punch you in your aloof face.

i have a chihuahua and he's wearing a sweater. fuck you.


Yikes, I feel bad for Real Girl having a stalker and all. (And yes, I know I have the same template as her, I'll be switching to MT soon and I'll have my own template. So don't worry about that!)
I had a creepy guy keep leaving nasty/gross comments on my site so first I warned him and then I just started deleting his comments. I don't know if he still lurks, but at least he doesn't comment anymore. Whew!


Hurray for the return of the Smack! Here's hoping that means the hiatus is nearing the end! *bats eyelashes pleadingly*


I love the Smackdown, cause it always brings the funny, the funny in this case being the image of a small dog in a turtleneck. I must admit to not even being aware that they made turtlenecks for dogs (hee, I totally typed "gods" first) these days. Every day is a new opportunity to learn something awesome.

Bond Girl

yay! My name in lights.

I'm sorry to hear the verdict on bangs b/c I am contemplating them. But the queen, she has spoken.


Can I just say that, Fuck all y'all needs to become a tag line. Because HA! Also if I ever do get a dog I will so be dressing him/her in pretty clothing. I come from it naturally, my parents have the ultimate gay dog jacket for their dog (rainbow striped). Have you been to this site: Bitches heart Me; cracked me up.

Real Girl

Hey! I get to be crazy too!? Oh joyojoy. Mmmm. cheeeeerios. There will be a day, for sure, when I give up the template. But right now, it's still my blankie. My pink blankie. It's soft. And feels like feathers. Mmmm. Cheeeerios.

As to the doggies? I am so jealous!! I wish my NY apartment could accomodate one. Although my cat would beat it down quite violently. WHO DARED INSULT CEIBA? How horrible is that? Who are these people and what inner demons have they not yet reconciled? Clearly any guy that's mean to a small dog has worries about being small in other, shall we say *sensitive*, areas.


I knew it!
The other day with all of your things you couldnt tell us stuff...that was the first thing I thought of..


Congrats, woman!! :D




Yay, the secret is out!

I am bursting with happiness and squeeeee! for you and Jason. Y'all will be the coolest parents EVAH. Hugs to the whole Amalah family :)


It's nearly impossible to figure out the blind item on Martha's friend - when do we find out who it really is?

Just kidding, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Now you get to buy all sorts of fun teeny-tiny baby clothes and shoes and lip gloss (oh, wait...). Congrats!


So happy for you!!! That is just excellent news. And I totally read to the end, just like the notify told me to.


Yay! The wee dog is out of the bag!



Great news! I wish you the best of luck! :)
(I had a sinking feeling... and am SO glad that I was right this time!)
*high five*

Jackie O

CONGRATULATIONS! I don't know how you feel about baby pageants, but yours would blow other babies out of the water (you and hubby, passing on good genes). I'm kidding about actual baby pageants, but veryvery serious about the extreme beauty a child of yours will inherit. Also, just think of the possibilities:


Delurking to say YEE-HA! You have brightened up a girls working day. So many congrats to you and Jason! Love your bloggy goodness by the way.

Jackie O

Sorry about that intended link. I am bad at computers. Anyways, Coach makes a diaper bag in pink for girls, blue for boys, and black if you like black best. Pretty sure you have the bag-searching skills to find it.




Congratulations Amy!


Heeeeyyy...wait...a minute. What do you? You mea..? Um...wait, wait, wait...hold on, hold on, hold on. So,'re sayin'...OH MY GOD!!!

The above was basically my reaction when I read it. OMG!



Many congrats Amalah...Enjoy it..Nothing like it in the world....


shut UP.

YAY! how is it possible to be so very excited for someone you've never even met? but i am! now you're going to be a Wee Baby Momma. Aaaahhhhh! That is so very very very very VERY exciting!

Congrats, and you know what this means, don't you? No alcohol for almost a YEAR!

heh heh.

you are so sweet and good and will make the bestest mommy. you must, you must document. with pictures. of belly. and more disgusting cuteness.


Congrats! That IS big news. Hope you are feeling well.


I think that this is officially the best Advice Smackdown Ever!


Thats the BEST reveal EVER. Congrats, dear.


I totally knew it! I'm so excited for you! I am also slightly jealous of your unborn child because he/she will have the coolest clothes ever along with the coolest mom ever! Yay for you!

Real Girl

Oh my God!!!!


Sneaky sneaky! Congratulations!!


New reader. De-lurking.

Channeling "Moe" from The Simpsons: WAAAA?!

If it weren't for Bloglines, I would have never caught this.

How very awesome. Congratulations! :)



Best wishes for a happy, healthy boy or girl!


Congrats! See it always pays to come back and read again! You must be over the moon! Think of all the new shopping you can do now!


Awesome! Congratulations!



Are you prepared for life as you know it to be over? And for the best part to just be beginning?

Man, that was sappy. Especially since today I was yearning for my bk life!!


YAAAAAY! Congratulations!


as someone else said, i had a hunch the other day when you said you couldn't tell us! that is so great! i now read blogs of 3 (count ', two, THREE) pregnant women. it's great :) congrats to you and jason!


hehe. That's awesome.


Wooohoooo! Now I want a recap of how exactly this happened, since weren't you and Zoot just commiserating about not being preggers?? (And, ok, I guess I know *how* it happened, but you know what I mean...) That is seriously awesome. And would be even if you didn't give me excellent dog-sweater advice.

Susie Sunshine



YA-HOO! First the story about your amazing one month anniversary (which my husband will be reading for valuable pointers on 2/14) and then this . . . BABY! I'm so happy for you. Can't wait to see what Max and Ceiba think! Congratulations to all of you! XO & Squeeee!


I am a lurker. But, I'm coming out of the shadows for a brief moment to say CONGRATS on le bebe, you happy, lucky, special gal you!! Big congrats to you and the man!!
Best wishes!!!!!

Fraulein N

Squee!!!! I am so freaking happy for you guys!!! (See all the exclamation points there?) You're going to be fab parents.


Very big congrats to you!!


What fabu news!

Now comes all the free unwanted advice. Here's mine: suck lemon drops to combat the morning sickness.

The thought of it may not sit well, but it really does work. Jewish mother-in-laws are rarely wrong!




Now, don't you feel better? :)
I totally think some celebretory shoe-buying is in order, no?


Are you serious? That's really great news, Amy!! I'm so happy for you!!!


Man. Now I feel like a total heel because I was still all totally up in yo grill about the vaugeration etc etc and being all: dude? the POINT of a blog is to share? sharing for like two weeks! But! Now I totally forgive and had a little stomach squeeze for you when I got to the end of the post. I am so happy for you and your husband (ps mine did a treasure hunt like that but it wasn't until we were married for 5 years). Congrats!


Squee! With a big ol' side of squee sauce! I am so, so happy for you. (Thank you very much for notifying The Notify so that I could come and squee! Squee squee!)

bond girl

When you posted your big news the other day I totally that it was a baby but didn't want to say in case, god, it wasn't! But it is!!! Congratulations!!!



This is going to be great - congratulations!

Oh, and, PS? How did the first few posts completely IGNORE that news??????


Am. Stunned... *gaassspp* Ohhhh God. Sqqquuueeeeee (and am not prone to squees atr all, especially when wine drunk as I am now.. )Just, stunned. Oh Amy, gawwd - Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so thrilled for you and Jason. You will be such a fantastic mom. Ohh lordie, I have tears brewing, and they are happy tears for you. What wonderful news!

Anne A.

WOOOOO-EFFIN-HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! So happy for you both... Smooches! Hugs! Squee! Holy shit! OH. MY. GAWD...semi-lurker de-lurking to say Congratulations!!!!!


Mazel Tov!

You guys are going to be such a wonderful parents! And you'll be known as the 'fun mom' to all your kid's friends, which is always nice. (Unless you don't let them play with the Peaches and Cream Barbie.)

Regardless, congratulations!


Well I already squeeeeeeeeed but I guess I can do it again. SQUEEEEEE!! :)


Ha ha! Yay!!! B told me last week and I couldn't comment all week because I was afraid of saying something wrong. But I really am so happy for you. The baby is going to Penn State right? Hee hee...go you! And Jason, since he helped...


OMG!!! I knew, knew, knew it!! I'm sp terribly happy for you, for real, tho. You and Jason are going to be amazing, doting parents.


Hooray! You know what this means, right? Shopping! Clearly you need new clothes. Oh, and new shoes. They make maternity shoes, don't they? Very stylish ones, of course.

Congrats to you both.


Good stuff! Congratulations to you both!


Real life tears of joy for you over here (big ones!) - all for a non-real-life friend.

You're going to be the coolest. mommy. ever.



YAY!!! Congratulations Amy....may your baby grow up to have at least half of your snarkiness and all of your fabulousness. :)



You totally got me on that one! Oh *super* big congrats to you. I bet you're excited! :)




(hopping up and down in excitement)



Congratulations! Please, please, PLEASE dress the baby and the puppy in matching outfits. At least once.


I got CHILLS! Serious goosebump chills! Heartfelt congratulations to you both :)


Oh my god! Shit, I've never even met you and that almost made me cry! Congratulations! (And by theway, you know you CANNOT leave us dangling without another update now...)


so very excited for you - congratulations!


so very excited for you - congratulations!


YAY, congrats to the Amalahs! So happy for the both (well, all three of you) and can't wait to hear your funny stories about pregnancy and/ new sprout!


De-lurking to say... Congratulations!!!

Just started buying baby stuff for my SIL. SO. FUN. My boys are all in non-cute big stuff now. Can't wait to hear all about it!


I've only come out of the de-lurking shadows once or twice, but I HAD, I say HAD!!! to say YIPEEEEEE!!!! Congratulations!!!



This is FABULOUS news!! Congratulations. Congratulations--- you are going to be a most fabulous mom! Congrats to Jason, too---- WOW--- this is great!!!!


Oh that is THE best news ever! Congratulations Amalah & Jason - I'm so so happy for you guys, especially after all the crap you've been through, for getting through the dark times. Feel free to whinge about pregnancy just the same though!
What do Max & Ceiba think of the prospective sibling?

PS It was my third wedding anniversary yesterday & my husband did something very similar vis a vis surprise lingerie & jewellery & dinner ... swoon.



WoooHoooo!!!!!!!!!!!! Congrats!

Oh, and you have just the coolest and sweetest husband ever to do the one month anniversary thing!


Definitely worth delurking.

Awesome. Just, awesome.


WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CON! GRAT!! YOU AND JASON! LATIONS!!!!! FANTASTIC NEWS! (And might I add an extremely clever and creative way to share the news!)


Yaaaaay! Congrats to you guys! Now buttons will be popping off all your pants! And you won't care! Woo-hoo!




Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You deserve this so much! I am so happy for you that I'm about to start crying. I wish you the best and easiest of pregnancies.


Yaaay Amy and Jason! Congratulations to the both of you. From experience may I suggest taking a trip, now, right now, immediately and enjoy what you have left of a life. Yes the long awaited child will be a blessing on sooo many levels, however not on the togetherness scale. Cynical? No. Parent of two teenage daughters? Yes. Anywho, may the impending angel bring you all the happiness you wish. You thought training the dog was tough, lol.


have i de-lurked before? can't remember, but this is certainly the time to re-de-lurk: CONGRATULATIONS!!! How Exciting!


Congratulations on your wonderful happy news!


YAY!!! I thought thats what your big news was, or at least I was hoping it was! Congratulations! you will make the cutest mom. Have you checked to see if Coach makes a diaper bag?


Wow first a baby fish/cactus and now a baby Amalah - the former JLB is bringing forth a new generation of people! Congrats Jason and Amalah!


YAY!!! I thought thats what your big news was, or at least I was hoping it was! Congratulations! you will make the cutest mom. Have you checked to see if Coach makes a diaper bag?


Wow first a baby fish/cactus and now a baby Amalah - the former JLB is bringing forth a new generation of people! Congrats Jason and Amalah!


Holy shit. Finally, a topic that brings MORE comments than hair!!!! So excited for you!!! Hip Hip Hooray!!! A baby Amalah..or Jasala......

And Prada makes diaper bags too, dearie.

Also? Start the college fund now.


Congrats Amalah and Jason! And I really mean that. Congratulations!

laura floyd

Congratulations! What fantastic news. I am just thrilled for you, and hope you will not be hesitant to write here about any of the pregnancy stuff that comes along. It's quite a journey (I'm having my first baby sometime in the next three weeks!) and you will not believe how slow and fast it seems to go at the same time.


Congratulations! Wonderful, wonderful news!


Ooh! I'll come out of Lurker Land for this. Congratulations!!!


Hurrah! I am sending your beautiful, intelligent, spectacular, amazing friend a ton of good mojo to last during the next adventure-filled months! :D



I wondered when there were previous references to a lot going on.


OMG!! Congrats!!!
That is awesome, and I agree - all the new shopping you get to do... Wheee!
Now if only Zoot can share your luck...


Holy shit! Congratulations!


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Congratulations Miss Amalah!

PS. Skip the Coach diaper bag, go directly to Kate Spade.

suzanna danna

Congratulations to Amy and Jason... I wish you all the best in the world. This is fantastic news, stay healthy, happy and eat lots of chocolate!


Oh happy day! Congrats again and again! And the best part is, you can blame all crying on the hormones!


230898 comments later, I doubt you'll even see this, but, uh...

Congratulations. :-)

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