All Hail the Cooch Cam
The Complaints Department is Full. Go Home.

Mystery Solved

It's a urinary tract infection.

Or, to quote my nurse (whom I love so much I might make her a godparent), it's a "really nasty, really major urinary tract infection."

So nasty, I'm lucky I wasn't pissing blood all weekend.

So nasty, I have to go on antibiotics, which raises the alarm for two reasons. 1) I'm pregnant, and therefore trying to remain in a drug-free state of Zen-like purity lest I poison my fetus* with one too many Tylenol geltabs, and 2) I am allergic to just about every antibiotic known to man.

*Yes, it's true. I am harboring a full-on fetus now and am feeling all nostalgic for the sweet embryonic days. They grow up so fast.

The rest of the phone call with my nurse was a frustrating back-and-forth about the loooong list of antibiotics I cannot tolerate and cannot spell (I have them written phonetically in my wallet in case I get in a car accident and the EMTs want to give me "ah-rith-ra-my-a-sin" or "see-clore" or "a-mox-a-sill-an.") The only ones I know how to spell are "Cipro" (due to the anthrax scare of's still in my wallet as "sip-row") and "Tetracycline". (No idea where I learned to spell that one. Am gifted.)

After a second consult with the doctor and my pharmacist, they've decided to let me try one that I don't think I've ever taken and they don't think will kill me. I'm to take one dose tonight and then obsessively watch for any hives or swelling. Which could be a problem, as I can break out in hives just by thinking about breaking out in hives.

(I'm not going to name the drug I'll be on because I'd like to spare myself the agony of reading comments about somebody's friend's mom who went on said drug and totally died or lost her hair or gave birth to a two-headed baby and why are you taking antibiotics at all? Don't you know that some cranberry juice and voodoo talismans will cure a UTI? Do you really care about not peeing fire more than your unborn child? You dont deserv to be pregnate!!!1)

(Can you tell I've gotten slightly defensive regarding my comments section? Most of y'all are lovely and funny and such, but the assvice people make me cranky. Cranky and tired.)

Which is pretty much what I told the nurse when she asked how I was feeling today. Tired, so tired, so very very tired. I certainly don't feel like I have a raging-wildly-out-of-control UTI, but hell, I've been peeing every 15 minutes since January so how would I even notice?

I did notice this weekend (on bedrest) (for spotting) (pee-related spotting) that I'm unable to go more than five hours without falling asleep. Part of this could be because I spent the weekend watching the following things on TV:

* A show about a $2 million recreational vehicle, complete with a custom-made, one-of-a-kind tree-shaped table made of plexiglass and illuminated with blinking rainbow-colored LCD lights. Classsssy!

* Hour after hour of the World Poker Tour.

* In the Womb on the National Geographic Channel (which I did not realize we even received), that while extremely informative, went so heavy on the water/womb symbolism and the watery/womby sound effects that it's impossible to watch for more than 10 minutes before you succumb to the urge to curl up in the fetal position and sleep for nine months.

* 300,000 instances of that weirdly surreal Burger King ad with Hootie dressed as a cowboy that absolutely destroys everything I held dear back in 10th grade. And that damn jingle has infiltrated my brain in a way no song since Elton John's Tiny Dancer has infiltrated my brain.

Amy: *in shower* Tendercrisp bacon cheddar raa-aanch.

Amy: *in car* something something lotto tickets pay, there's a king who wants you to have it your way...

Amy: *at work* Tendercrispbaconcheddarraaa-aanch.

Amy: *peeing for 700th time* Hold me closer, tiny raaa-aaancher...

Yes, I'm going to pick up my antibiotics now.



I've only taken ONE antibiotic my whole life and that was AFTER a surgery, and I think it was sip-row. I couldnt give you assvice if I wanted to.

Glad all is well. And by "well" I mean "pain when you pee instead of failing pregnancy."


I'm prone to UTI's, so I know they suck. But I'm glad that's the only thing wrong.


Is that the ad with Carmen Electra? That's Hootie? Really?


Good to hear that its not baby related!!! I did also watch the show with the RV before I fell asleep so don't think it's just you.

Real Girl

Man! I get too busy for computer-related-activities for just a few days and all this drama erupts! Good luck with all!

If it makes you feel any better, while pregnant, my mom took some medication that's now banned for causing severe birth defects, and I turned out juuuust fine. In fact, the third arm actually comes in handy. (Ok, that last part was cruel joke). I'm sure all risks are minimal and not-to-be-fretted over.


Hey All Knowing Bearer of Fetus Queen (or something catchier), I too watched the making of the 2 million dollar RV. All I got to say about that is..."that there's an RV Clark".

Zoots Mom

Glad to hear you're still ok...Sorry about the TV this weekend. It really did suck as far at TV viewing....


"assvice" hahaha

bond girl

Really glad to hear that it's just a UTI, even if it is The Mother of all UTIs. May you soon be free of fire whilst urinating.

(Two sentences that don't get used enough.)


Yeah, that jingle has been stuck in my head like no other. Almost makes me want to try the sandwich ... almost.


I think I've been pushed over the edge by that commercial. I mean, I'm sure Hootie has grasped the sadness of his career and all, but I still want to run screaming whenever it comes on. Poor Hootie.
Glad all is well in babyland....good luck with that peeing fire thing.


I always thought it was "Hold me closer, Tony Danza"

But I was a huge Who's the Boss fan, long before what's-her-name became a witch. Cuz I liked the blonde, Angela. (the voices say her name is actually Judith Light, but don't listen to them - they lie.)

Now I've got to go shopping for a camper...


Ha! Assvice! You rock.

Also? I'm not usually allergic to things but my jerk gynocologist (not going to her anymore. She's a jerk) put me on some antibiotics that made my stomach turn a pinkish-purple color and itch so bad I wanted to walk around naked. Or just with my hand up my shirt. Bad either way.

Haaaaaatteee UTIs.


That Hootie Burger King commercial makes me sad. For Hootie. Seriously.

...tendercrispbaconcheddar raaaanch.

Damn Hootie.


That commercial sucks nearly as much as a UTI. Hold onto the antibiotic spellings cuz you'll need them after tadpole emerges, actually you just need to know the term "pink stuff" that's the magic antiobiotic for childrens ear aches. Oh, soooo much to look forward to.


Is it just me, or has the Burger Kingdom suddenly morphed into the Land between Pornoslavia and Psychedelistan?


I took antibiotics when pregnant with my second... he's fine. And I'm also allergic to every antibiotic I've ever taken but one. The baby will be fine.


That ad gets stuck in my head too...totally didn't know it was Hootie. That is really sad. Also? Hold me close, tiny rancher? HEEEEE.


It's " get to veg all day, while the lotto tickets pay..." I watch way too much tv, and remember all the words to jingles. But only the really, really annoying ones. Oh, and I used to think it was "Hold me close, I'm tired of dancing." Until Almost Famous came out, and my fiance made fun of me singing it in the car on the way home. But no, seriously, glad it was nothing worse than a scathing UTI.


Hold me closer..tiny rancher. OMG. Must rest now. My secretary wanted to know why I was having giggle fits. And what a Hootie was and could she say that at work. Sigh. :)


Bless your heart. UTIs suck enough being unpregnant but pregnancy just ads that certain extra "fun" level.


UTIs blerch.
Back in the days I worked at a family restaurant while at university (I am going somewhere with this), and halfway through a shift one night my mild UTI became a raging beast. After my 50th trip to the bathroom I went out into the servery area to tell my (male) boss that I was leaving my shift to go to the doctor;
boss "but we're busy"
me "yes, but I really have to leave"
boss "but why?"
me *blink*
boss "what's wrong with you?"
me "I'd rather not say, and I don't think you really want to know"
boss "well, if you don't tell me, I can't let you leave"
me "look, it's personal"
boss "if you don't tell me...."
Strangely, not he, nor anyone in the restaurant, did want to see.


Hold me closer, Tony Danza!


Emma, you be funny!

I heard the Tony Danza version on Friends, from Phoebe.

(slinks back into lame-ass hole)

Am-ALAH, I am so very glad that the icky blood did not mean that anything, ANYTHING was wrong with the baby.


Tis definitely not Carmen Elektra on that commercial. Tis definitely Brooke Burke...


Prayer for a Safe Pregnancy

This life you have given us
is so tiny, fragile, and vulnerable,
safe in the womb of flesh and hope,
yet subject to danger and death.
O God of love, creator of life,
hear our prayer.
We want this baby so much.
Please grant this child of ours
a full term of nurture,
the joy and mystery of life,
and the blessing of your love.
Grant us the fulfillment of our dreams,
a baby to cherish and protect,
a child to teach and guide,
a blessing to our family.


Oh no. I'm allergic to all that and then some. As a matter of fact, I just found out in the past month that I'm allergic to a couple more we didn't know about. Nice. I can just see my future pregnancies working out nicely. I'm just gonna lay down and die should I get some kind of illness that requires drugs. I can take Cipro. So far. So. Hmm. I wonder if that counts for something.

I've had a UTI that got out of hand because I didn't want to go to the doctor. I got a kidney infection and actually pissed blood. Fun. Well, not really. Also, lots of pain.


I'm so relieved for you regarding the wee fetus. Sorry about the other ailment- UTIs suck!

So that's Hootie! How very, very sad. I thought the Petticoat Junction girl was Carmen Elektra too. Seems to me that those Burger King commercials get freakier and freakier. Whoever is creating those adds must have LSD in their Whoppers!

Bad Penguin

I also carry the name of the antibiotic I am allergic to around in my wallet. This is because for some reason I can't remember one little name. I'm glad you're ok and I hope you feel better soon.

My husband did not believe me when I insisted it was Hootie in that commercial, but I was right so, ha!


See, when I first saw the commericial I thought it was Hootie and then I thought, " couldn't be!" but it is! And yes, that's Brooke Burke. Gotta thank my Playboy savvy husband for pointing that one out. :P Most disturbing (besides the Burger King himself... now *that* is creepy) is the "ranch maids". Every time I see them I want to pull their pigtails out.


i too am allergic to every antibiotic known to man and i too get uti's while pregnant. the doctors must consult with pharmecological specialists from around the world when i walk in the door. can't remember what i ended up taking. starts with an 'n'? an 'o'? an 'i'?

anone who says you shouldn't take antibiotics for a uti while pregnant is an ass and should read up befoer they talk. a uti can cause pre term labour and can spread to the kidneys which is a whole nother barrel of monkeys. of course you have to take the pills.

that was not advice. that was me giving heck to the people who are even thinking of giving you grief. that's what that was.

feel better and so glad it's not serious.


Hallelujah sister let us praise the return of the cadburry egg, over and over again. Amen.

And some people need to chill, every pregnancy is different, every body is different, and it will all be okay people let the anti anti biotics to their job.

Go antibiotics...peeeeeee free.

ps. I'm still crying because I was laughing so hard at your post...


Delurking to say:

"Hold me closer Tony Daaaaaaaaaaaanza!"


pps. I heard so many horror stories about nurses but I loved my nurse (undying love stronger than my love for cadburry eggs) she tried to move to florence but The Man and I kidnapped her and are keeping her in our basement in the off chance that we get pregnant again. We should do that soon, because she is getting kinda cranky...I don't think she likes our fish tanks.


I've had plenty of UTIs before, but have never pissed blood. I can't even imagine the pain.

And the BK commercial is like a weird dream, that just gets weirder as it goes along, and is so weird you can't even explain it to anyone. My husband and I just exchange flummoxed looks whenever it comes on. Flummoxed, but nodding in agreement, because we like it. We don't know what it means, but we like it.

Dr. Johnny Fever

Assvice? I think they sell those at the "adult" shop next to 7-11. It's over there next to the root-beer-flavored lube and the latex vaginas alleged to be anatomically identical to Jenna Jameson's.

That's what I've heard anyway.

type a

world poker tour? who's my girl?

and i KNEW that was hootie! todd was all, "that's not hootie." but i knew.


Soooo many big tantalizing words in this post!! assvice ... Pornoslavia ... flummoxed ... I feel compelled to carry them around on a slip of paper in my wallet!

A moment of silence, everyone, for the once great career of our friend Darius Rucker, a/k/a Hootie, who will probably show up on the next "Celebrity Boxing" where he'll duke it out with Bob Saget or someone of his ilk. Sad, very sad.

{note to self: add "ilk" to funny words list in wallet}


Delurking because you mentioned hemorhoids. I have been reading since I googled "mutant strawberries" last June and got a hit on your blog. You bring me laughter every day you enlighten us with a post. I didn't think anything would bring me out. Hemorhoids is the ticket, apparently. I am nine weeks pregnant with our first babe, and have anemia. Doc put me on freeze dried horse liver (okay, it's really beef) capsules and honey, if pregnancy wasn't enough to mess with the natural flow of things, then this iron really knows how to
put a gal in a bad mood if you know what I mean. Anyhow, long story short. Yummy and easy way to take care and get your fiber.
AllBran now has delightful tasting
(seriously) breakfast bars that do the trick.
I am so happy for you and Jason by
the way. I hear your fears, it's like listening to my own head. Who would have thought pregnancy would be this scary?
It is fun too though- That first heartbeat moment?!!
Good luck.
Umm, sorry this is so long.


I can not stand the world poker tour - any longer. And were you referring to Pimp my Ride?


Tiny rancher. So funny. snorted. Now all I can picture is a tiny Hootie dancing on top of my computer screen. Which makes me feel dirty.


The annoying holier than thou advice giver-outters flood my site on a daily basis. I can't get 3 sentence out without someone telling me how to do it better (which isn't really better, it's almost always obnoxious and they just think it's better because it's THEIR way to do it). Sometimes the frustration is enough to make me question keeping my blog up.

And if you're gonna get stuck with Elton John songs in your head, just be grateful it's not B-B-B-Benny and the Jets.... 'Cause that song just sucks.


And after I just wrote about how much I loate annoying advice giver-outters, here's my 2 cents:
Cranberry Juice. Gallons and gallons of cranberry juice. ;)

Sarcastic Journalist

that's hootie? i noticed brooke burke...but not hootie.

and the king puppet. it is all about the king puppet.


I know I'm late, but I hope you had good luck with the antibiotics.
Oh, and I've had that same stupid commercial song stuck in my head. I feel your pain.


Thanks for the laugh - you are damn funny when you're not peeing...


Aww, at least it wasn't something worse. UTIs SUCK. I had one and was peeing, painfully, non-stop for about a week. Plus, the antibiotics were supposed to taste like 'cherries' but they just tasted like antibiotics instead. Talk about false advertising! At least your baby is okay. Something like that is scary...


*quiet lurker busts out of shell*

I followed my way here from Sheena's, and I've been a quiet lurker for about a month now. I am of the nurse type fashion.

But holy hark-nuggets... the BK commercial is worth the pee *laughs* Yesh, that is our most beloved Hootie and Brooke Burns. My husband drools over the blonde and Brooke every time it comes on, which earns him his own attack via paperweight.

But in all honesty, the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch is le yum. *stomach growls*


Tiny Dancer? ME, TOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

And I can't get a consensus either way on this w/ anyone.....isn't Christina Aguliera (sp?) the blond chic w/ Hootie in the BK commercial?

The comments to this entry are closed.