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Wednesday Advice Smackdown


Originally, all I could think of to post today was puking. More puking.

Trust me, I'm as sick of hearing about it as you are. Possibly more so.

I left work around 2:45, because honestly, once you've spent over a half hour in the office restroom hunched over the toilet while praying that no one walks in to hear you throw up the orange juice you drank this morning because MY GOD, THAT'S ALL THAT'S LEFT, I'd say the day is pretty much toast, right?

Right. So I left. And while I drove home I tried (in my head) to compose an entry about puking that went above and beyond your usual entry about puking. Bonus points if I was able to refrain from mentioning Ceiba's diarrhea.

But then! When I got to my front door I realized that joy! joy! my rented Doppler had arrived. Instead of an entry about puke and poop I could write about heartbeats and the weirdness of lubing your stomach up with ultrasound gel on your living room sofa! About how all the misery is worth it when you hear that little sound! Brilliant!

But then I couldn't find the heartbeat. All I could find were the sounds of my miserable heaving stomach, assorted whooshing sounds and some static whenever a cop car or ambulance drove past my building.

So I started recomposing my entry. And it wasn't funny. It was all sorts of panic and fear and betrayal that here I've been, consoling myself that while vomiting Spaghettios is certainly a low point, at least it's a sign of a healthy and progressing pregnancy, MEANWHILE, my baby has clearly died at some point and it's all fucking pointless.

Then I decided to try again. I relubed the probe (dirty!), and instead of slowly scanning around my belly button, I mashed the damn thing directly INTO my belly button.

whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh

OH THANK GOD, I thought, and I started thinking about the sappy, sweet post I would write about how every time you hear that little thumping, it's a bloody damn miracle.

But then I made the mistake of popping in the CD-ROM that came with the Doppler and listening to the assorted heartbeat sounds it contained...

...including the sound of a mother's pulse picked up through the device.


So now? I'm totally confused. I think I might be picking up my own pulse and not the baby's. The whoosh I'm hearing seems too slow and doesn't seem to match the 10-week-old heart rate on the CD, but I'm not sure. I might not be counting right. (Every time I stare at a second hand on a watch and try to count at the same time? I end up counting the seconds and not whatever it is that I'm actually counting.)

So in summary: haaate.

And if anyone out there is pregnant and considering renting a Doppler unit and would like to make me feel better, rent it from and enter referral code 12953. If you keep it for three months or more, I get 10 WHOLE DOLLARS.

I could buy a lot of onesies with 10 whole dollars. Or beers, depending on whether or not I'm even pregnant anymore.

And may you have better luck with the stupid Doppler thing and not end up throwing it across your living room where it leaves a big, sticky lube-stain on your rug.

UPDATE: Y'all rock. I was looking up too high. Stupid printed doppler directions that I follow to the letter. LIKE A SHEEP, I am. Houston, we have a heartbeat, and it makes the heartbeat on the sample CD sound like SHIT. Clearly, this baby is a genius, which is great, because his/her mother? Is freaking retarded.



Oh, that just makes me want to cry and hug you. If I were an OB/GYN I would totally make a standing appointment for you every day at 4pm just so you could come in and feel better. *Internet hugs*


Amy, you just showed us a picture of your belly, and there is simply NO DOUBTING that you've got a happy, healthy, growing baby in there.

Now lube up again (dirty!) and try way down low -- like right above your pubic bone. That's where I always found it early.


de- lurking to tell you that you are probably hearing your own heart beating. And at 10 weeks even the doctor needs to search around a bit for the baby's heartbeat. It should sound weirdly fast to you at this point -and will be anywhere from 130-180 bpm (if I remember correctly). Just remember the baby is soo very tiny right now, it takes a while to find what you are looking for. And try further south than your belly button, half-way between your public bone and belly button is where your uterus should be about now. I remember waiting for the same sounds each week -I am now just waiting for my baby to arrive next month. We were also trying for a long time, working with a fertility clinic and got pregnant by accident. How wonderful it has been! Good luck and happy searching with the doppler.


Long time lurker here who had to de-lurk for the first time to give you some Baby Beat advice...which you didn't ask for ;) If you're trying around your belly button, I think you're way too high. Not to get too graphic, but try it right above your 'hair line'. Your baby is still way down in your pelvis, despite what the bulging (but oh so cute!) tummy tells you. And try not moving it so much as just tilting it from one side to another - then if you still don't hear it, move it just a teeny bit in another direction and do the tilting thing again.

Hope this helps -


I can't pretend to have any sound lubing/Doppler advice, but I know that you have a fabulously healthy little thing growing in that belly of yours. So no worries, okay?


Don't worry! I never had ANY luck with the doppler thing. Even when I was 9+ months pregnant and could see the baby's elbow poking at me through my skin, I STILL couldn't pick up a fucking heartbeat.


Don't worry - there is a healthy baby in there. Also - try eating fritos. When I could not eat ANYTHING else on the face of the earth, fritos provided much needed nutrition. Sort of.

type a

she just got all excited when you said "beers" is all.

Dr. Johnny Fever

I'm gonna rent one of those sunzabitches just to hear the swirling and girgling of the fish tacos I had for lunch.


wow. nobody offered to rent me one of those doppler thingies 12 years ago when I was pregnant. That's cool. Glad your readers could help you find the whoosh.


Well, no need to direct you further South so HA! See??!!! Healthy, happy baby in there.
That, and my "hope not to puke anymore" advice is candied ginger (trader joe's or whole foods) IF you like ginger. Other than that - mashed potatoes. PB&J. Storchies. :-)


My daughter's heartbeat sounded exactly like this - at least when she was 20 weeks old. It didn't really change much from visit to visit. I hope it helps.


Ok I can't type - try this. Sorry.


I'm trying to focus on this entry but I'm still awestruck/distracted by the protruding cuteness of the belly that you documented in the last entry ... but yay for finding the genius baby's heartbeat!


Hooray for babies with heartbeats! And someday, a dog sans diarrhea and a pregnant woman without any vomit left.


My doctor couldn't find my baby's heartbeat for at least 5 minutes at my appointment last month - it was the worst bit of pure panic I've ever experienced.

Isn't it amazing though, when you do find it?


Yay! Told you so!


I had a piece of equipment just like you have there. I thought every month that my paranoia would have subsided enough for me to send it back and not pay the monthly fee. That sucker didn't get sent back until my boy was born five weeks ago. That thing was worth every dime for that sanity it gave me. Enjoy...


How exciting !!! Nothing beats heartbeats -


You're so cute when you're crazy. ;)

I'm SO GLAD I didn't have one of those doppler thingies. They would've carted me off to the padded room before my last trimester.


I'm so glad I didn't read it til post-update..heh. yay! Glad you and baby are ok. I knew it :P


Yay! I read after the update. THANK YOU for updating. And the kid is in trouble for scaring you like that! ;)


I am stunned you can find a heartbeat this early on your own. You clearly need to go and tell them to skip the medical school shit, and just give you your damn OB certificate, you need to be a doctor, baby.
I threw up til 18 weeks with both my girls.
Now pregnancies that didn't work out? No throwing up. This is a good sign. It means your kid is going to be a world class partier and will put Animal House to shame.


Yay for finding the heartbeat! Oh, and counting the seconds instead of number of heartbeats? I do that too when I'm trying to find my heart rate. Oops.

Fraulein N

Yay for genius babies!


Whooosh! That is fantastic!


Clearly the baby already has your sense of know he/she is doing the best he/she can to run and hide from your doppler intrusion...laughing all the while.


I'm glad you found the baby! Those dopplers are cool, but a definite panic inducer at times.


I had to de-lurk here to say that I had the same problem with the babybeat when I was pregnant with my youngest 3 years ago. What I did was return it for the kind that displays the heartrate on the LCD screen. Much easier! And then I got all lazy and never returned it even though they were charging something like $40 a month to my credit card and when she was about 3 months old or so the company called me to tell me that I owned it. Only my husband is getting a vasectomy soon and I'm stuck with a fetal monitor and a uterus that I don't want to hear any more heartbeats from. All this to say that if it isn't too weird, I'd gladly send it to you. You crack me up on a daily basis, girl!


I agree with Kathy. Fritos stayed down. Put a coke with it and you have a meal. Try stirring the coke so it is good and flat. Yum, I know.

Yay on hearing the heartbeat!

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