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Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Today's Wednesday Advice Smackdown will be even more particularly half-assed than previous installments. Why? Because I'm tired. Fatigued. Exhausted. Vaguely comatose. Etc. It is probably all the Babalah's fault, as I am getting approximately 19 hours of sleep a day, yet still. So. Damn. Tired.

This is how tired I am: diohv ccoljuoi caljlllllllldijulj

HAAAAAAAAAA. That's the funniest thing I've typed EVER.

This is also how tired I am on a regular basis: On Easter Sunday, neither Jason nor my parents woke me up to go to CHURCH. On EASTER. And then they let me sleep through PANCAKES. Out of PITY for my tired, tired self.

Anyway. Here are some questions, some answers and some typos that I will probably not fix.

Dearest Amalah who I would recognize if i saw on the street and hug and then run before she called the police on the tiny girl she doesn't know,

Very soon, I am graduating from college. I have always used (gasp) drugstore foundation. By always I mean the same kind since sixth grade. I actually spend more on things like eyeshadow, but for some strange reason, have never ventured past Maybelline for foundation (I ventured past it for mascara and came straight back). Aaaaanyways, I am going to be a grownup very soon. Kind of. And I would like to upgrade my foundation. As I already took your foundation brush advice (with excellent results) and as you always look so pretty with such lovely dewy skin, I thought you could advise me on a nicer foundation to switch to. I like them pretty liquidy and seemingly sheer yet powerful enough to really cover.

I apologize for my overuse of parentheses (but I kind of talk in parentheses actually) and hope to have an answer whenever your lovely self is bored of the doppler and has a notion to do an advice smackdown.


I still stand by the foundation pictured in my infamous and frighteningly-often-Googled foundation brush entry, and that's the Sue Devitt 70% Triple Seaweed Gel Foundation. 70% water, this stuff is light and gelly (it's a word now, shut up) and goes on easy and smooth. Also won't clog your pores or destroy the rain forest or steal your boyfriend.

Yes, it's $38 a bottle. I could try to justify that for you, but I'm tired. (Which brings us to the half-assedness of this Smackdown.) Dewy don't come cheap, chickies, and if it did, I'd likely just find some way to be a snob about it.

Oh great goddess of all things hairtastic!

I am in desperate need of hair advice. I just had my regular below chin length bob cut today and found out the hard way that you should never be the last customer of the day on a busy spring Saturday. I foolishly told the stylist to angle my hair in the back in a wedge, and then cut the front to chin length and add a few little angled-in pieces in the front. And since it was Saturday and the stylist had just finished cutting the hair of a six-year-old whose mom was a royal pain who wanted the impossible-the stylist was tired and just said, okay, instead of, wait, no way this will work with your fine, thin, curly hair, you’re going to look like you cut your hair with a lawnmower. Which is exactly how it looks now. So now, I come to you, great goddess, Amalah, asking for advice on how to fix this mess other than cutting it even shorter (not an option, as my husband said, just go get a Subaru Outback and some flannel shirts and call yourself a …..you can guess the rest, he’s not very politically correct!) So anyway, hair goddess, what hair products do you recommend to help me achieve some sort of hairstyle that people won’t laugh at?

Peanut Butter Patty

First, let me take issue with the idea that a bad haircut can only be corrected by further drastic cutting. Not true. A decent stylist (and by "decent" I mean "expensive" and "homosexual") can RESHAPE a butchered cut without sacrificing a lot of length.

(Trust me, for at one low point in my life, I was laid off from my stupid dot.com job like the rest of the entire world. I burned through my severance package and was soon a miserly ball of misering, reusing tea bags and canceling HBO and, at the lowest low point, going to the HAIR CUTTERY for trims. Sometimes, even a half-inch trim is too much for certain scissorly-challenged people to handle. That's all I'll say, but indeed, I know your pain.)

But as for products, there are four billion and one options. From your email, I'm trying to guess as to what will make your hair look better. Straighter? Thicker? Piece-y-er? (Also now a word. Continue to shut up.) So I'll just go half-assed (again) and recommend my favorite products for the most common hair complaints.

(All of these, I believe, have been recommended here before. Am officially one giant re-run.)

Bed Head Control Freak. A gentle straightener and de-frizzifyer that's perfect for thin hair. Work a dime-sized amount through wet hair and then blow-dry straight.

Bed Head Small Talk. A volumizing, thickifying goo that will pretty much solve world hunger one of these days. Use a small amount on dry hair to fluff, lift and separate. Like a bra! For your hair! Sexy!

Bed Head Hard to Get. A finishing paste for piecing out your hair, which I imagine could come in particularly handy in lawnmower-inspired haircuts.

Bed Head After Party. The infamous dildo-shaped tube of smoothing cream. Any fly-away crazy hair? Stubborn assy cowlicks? A little of this stuff with make your hair your well-behaved, shiny bitch.

can't remember whose site linked to it, but found you through my daily readings. yours is just the second (including mine) that makes any reference to infertility, and deals with it in a manner that could help other people understand it, instead of the doom and gloom stuff on the newsgroups and other websites. we were lucky that clomid worked for us the first month, but wow, when I think about the wasted year of trying, well, I try to not get bitter. more because a simple fertility test from the doctor, who told us to "relax" (you know the drill), would have put us in a position to make smarter decisions earlier instead of exercises in futility.

it sounds like you are in about week 16, and my wife in 19, so two infertility babies coming within weeks. i look forward to reading your blog more as the weeks go on as i am sure i will be able to relate. oh, and in reference to the Girlfriend's Guide you made, and What to Expect...what did your husband read? you sound like a well read couple, and my wife and i had a very difficult time finding any books that made sense for me to read. while i appreciate the 15 pages in What to Expect on the father feelings, the mass of the books out there for men are either 1) all science and volume, 2) sensititve pony tail type books, or 3) Man Show type books. we really couldn't find a book that was like the Girlfriend's Guide, but for men. Just curious.


(I'm actually right at 14 weeks now, but everybody assumes I'm further along than that, thanks to the BELLY THAT WILL SOON EAT MANHATTAN. Along with everything else, because DAMN, I'm hungry.)

Also? Jason? Read books? Pregnancy books?


He did accompany me to Border's when I purchased the Girlfriend's Guide and some technical Mayo Clinic guide after my first prenatal appointment confirmed that I was, indeed pregnant. (Because five or six home tests? Clearly lying to me out of spite.)

I picked up a copy of The Expectant Father and asked Jason if he wanted it. And he looked at me like I was giving birth to a litter of puppies right there in the Parenting section.

"Everything I need to know I can read on the Internet," he said.

"But this will tell you how to be all, loving and supportive and shit," I countered.

"I AM loving and supportive and shit."

"Fine." I shoved the book back on the shelf. "But I reserve the right to tell you if, at any point in time, I do not feel you are being loving and supportive and shit."

And that was our agreement, which meant during the first thirteen tortuous, nausea-filled weeks, I routinely called Jason an asshole.

(Usually for various food-related offenses.)

So I have no book recommendations for you, B. Which brings us to the half-assed portion of this question.

Readers? With literate, supportive, non-asshole husbands who read pregnancy books? Any suggestions?

(Oh, and I'm totally kidding about Jason being an asshole, as he had two dozen roses delivered to my office today for no reason at all except to make my coworkers jealous. That's just awesome.)

Have a question for next week's Smackdown? That requires a half-assed answer? Send it to advice@amalah.com. Or maybe, if we're lucky, I'll get that second trimester energy boost everyone keeps yakking about, which SHUT UP, you're making me tired.


Dr. Johnny Fever

Amalah and God (in order of importance to me), please forgive me for the worst and most blatant spamming in the history of spam, but as someone who has witnessed the pregnancy and birth of two kids, I humbly submit the following data to help expectant fathers everywhere:


Also? Amalah? You're rad. You are the wind beneath my wings.


Should you ever tire of Jason--which you won't, because you are far too smart to ditch such a wonderful man--I would like first dibs. Please.

"What to Expect When Your Wife is Expecting" is pretty funny. Although mostly the advice men need when their wives are pregnant is that SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT and SHE IS GOING TO CRY A LOT and NEVER EVER SUGGEST IT'S DUE TO HORMONES (even though it is). Wow, I should totally be running an advice smackdown.

Only, I don't have any foundation, gel-y or otherwise. Oh well.


I just sent this book to my friends husband. They are expecting in a few months. He LOVED it.
Its funny and informative and doesnt make the dad to be want to run screaming.


"Babalah." Fabulous!


Amalah -- your site rocks. Love the smackdown. Also, have you ever tried the MAC lip balm? Totally unrelated to what you have written in this post, but it seems you really enjoy yourself some lip gloss.
As far as books go, my husband and I both liked "Bun in the Oven". It's one of those week by week books, but good and funny. I say follow Dr. Fever's link and track down some other dad blogs for the real dirt.


A friend gave this to my husband (which I read and he did not): http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0743251547/qid=1112267221/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_b_2_1/103-3600503-6235800

I thought it was useful and not totally fucking annoying which was handy as most pregnancy/parenthood books are.

Totally off topic, but has anyone ever directed a hair dryer on their wailing infant as it lay freaking out and half-dressed on the changing table? Well, we did. And HOLY SHIT OUR KID LOVES IT.

My hair dryer now lives in the baby's room.


I'm totally going to have to try the bedhead stuff...

your adoring handmaiden forever and ever

You are a goddess. That's pretty much all my lame-ass can come up with today--- same as everyday--- GODDESS!!


I'm at 12 weeks and bought my dear hubby The Expectant Father which is still gathering dust on the nighttable. However, to give him credit he has been very patient and supportive so I can't complain.


Cagey, I bought the same one. And it gathered dust on my husband's night-stand as well.


I gave my husband "Pregnancy Sucks, for Men" - and he actually read it and claims to have enjoyed it. It is funny and much is tongue-in-cheek, but overall a good pregnancy book for the guys...if you want to give it a try.

B Watson

Thanks for the pointers. Already had Dad Gone Mad in my RSS aggregator. As far as books, ladies, why are your guys not reading the books? I ask because I find that I am reading a ton of books, and most of them are leaving me flat. Am I too stupid to toss them aside before I waste time reading them? :) I've been "writing" a book in the form of week to week journal, if for no other reason that it is the book I would have read. Of course, I am a biased party. I'm trying to figure out if men are really my target market, or their wives/partners.


I read four pregnancy books in fits and starts when I was pregnant and you know, actually had the time to read a book. The What To Expect book got on my nerves. The Girlfriend's Guide really fucked me off. The Expectant Father was meh. Can't even remember what the 4th book was.

I think my husband was getting all the information he wanted directly from me. It wasn't that he was not interested in the pregnancy, he totally was. I just think he was interested in the Actual pregnancy and not a guide book.

Now that the baby is here? I've totally given up on reading the books. I tried to make an effort to read Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child, but if the publishing house couldn't even bother to hire a fucking editor, I can't be bothered to read the damn thing.


Not married or pregnant, but perhaps this book would meet with approval? The Bloke's Guide to Pregnancy by Jon Smith http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1401903363/qid=1112294310/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-5847936-2635001?v=glance&s=books

It's British, but includes a glossary.


My sister sent me your site and I love it. I'm 23 weeks pregnant with a boy after two years of infertility. I even did the same thing when I took my first pg test that you did. I had the digital test and peed on the stick before putting it in the thingie. So then I had two lines but had no idea if they meant I was really pregnany for two hours until I had to pee again. And this was all on Thanksgiving night. So anyways, I can relate. Point is, I bought my husband The Expectant Father for Christmas and he read a lot of it while waiting with me during my 3 hour glucose test for gestational diabetes. Luckily I don't have it but getting poked 14 times every hour because the nurses couldn't find my veins sure was fun. So basically the book was kind of weird and the guy who wrote it was a little too into stuff. Like he made the suggestion that while your wife is having her cervix examined you should really get an up close look so you'll know what it looks like pre-baby. Ew! So yah, I don't think the best advice. Basically all my husband needs to know is to just hug me when I'm grumpy and keep me in frozen cokes and chimichangas. The heartburn hasn't started yet and I'm going to stuff myself with mexican food until it does.

Fraulein N

The Babalah, hee. That's my favorite one yet.


Wow. Jason made your readers jealous, too. And you make me want to go purchase product. Not productssss, just "product".


I found your site off of Booze's blog (my daily amusement) and fell in love with your posts. I am TTC right now and you are the first person besides a fiend of mine that makes fun of the same people we do- prego or not! I love it! I just wanted to say thank you for sharing....


Wow lots of questions :) Loving your layout!


I had fun woth product this weekend, but none of it was BedHead. I've yet to BedHead myself.


Jason: everything you need to read is on the internet. However, I can recommend the Mayo Clinic Guide to Pregnancy and the First Year for a non-online option. Everything else will not be technical enough.

Then, go read whatever Amy is reading. Trust me.

(Personally, I was very disappointed in ``The Expectant Father'' and ``What To Expect What You're Expecting.'' Fortunately, so was my wife.)

Amy: it's a pity that O'Reilly doesn't publish ``Pregnancy in a Nutshell'' or ``Pregnancy Hacks.'' I'm sure Jason would read those without protest.

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