A Post That Will Put Me On Social Services' Watch List
April 04, 2005
Hello! I have not updated since LAST WEDNESDAY. This makes many of y'all VERY MAD. And I am only VAGUELY SORRY.
Actually, I blame daylight savings, which stole a precious, precious hour from me (and me PERSONALLY) this weekend. An hour that I totally planned to spend writing, so direct your anger accordingly.
I actually was planning to do a photo essay this weekend about my Changing of the Closet Ritual, wherein I pack up winter clothes and haul out spring and summer clothes and curse over how nothing fits and then kind of gross you out by revealing just how many items of clothing I own. (Judging by the fourteen piles strewn across my bedroom: approximately 5,672.)
But here's the thing. My summer stuff still FITS ME. Me, the PREGNANT VERSION. Apparently I put on a little weight last summer, and coupled with the fact that last year was The Year Of The Lowrise Waistband, As In So Low Your Pubic Bone Is Visible, all my shorts and skirts hit below the belly and still fit.
So how could I do a photo essay of anger and rage at the INJUSTICE of it all when I was able to put together a nice little pile of clothes and swimsuits that will all be perfectly acceptable for Aruba in two weeks? Pleasant surprises do not make for fun photo essays.
Especially if I were to tell you that all these clothes from last summer? When I "put on a little weight"? Are size sixes. As in, boo hoo hoo, Amy has outgrown her size twos and fours, that BITCH.
So no, I don't think I'm going to do a photo essay about my closet and tell you about the size six thing. I think you will all hate me too much. I mean, I kind of hate me, because when I finally broke down and went shopping for real and actual and non-hand-me-down maternity clothes this weekend, I had to ask the salesclerks to find extra-smalls in everything.
I was the least-popular pregnant lady at the store, I will tell you that.
I'm sorry if this post sounds like a big love affair with my skinny bitch ass, because it's really not. I'm just so fucking FASCINATED with my skinny bitch ass.
The first trimester, of which we shall never speak again, left me underweight for my height, and yet my stomach popped out anyway. I couldn't button or zip anything, yet moving up a size in normal clothes meant I was constantly yanking at the waistband to keep my underwear from showing. My boobs have grown to a shocking, crazy voluptuous, almost-sort-of B cup. Which...christ, that's pathetic.
Essentially, I look like a toothpick that has speared a cocktail olive. If I were to wear a t-shirt with a big red dot over my belly, it could play the part of the pimento.
This is a shape that only maternity clothes allow for. (Except for the previously-mentioned ultra-mega-lowrise-shorts, but while they're fine for Aruba, I don't think my office would appreciate that particular look.) So I went shopping. And I spent many hundreds of dollars on pants with stretchy belly panels and dresses that are only fitted around the boobs. I look hella attractive, but I don't care because again, my pregnant body is SO FUCKING AMAZING TO ME. It's like a crazy science experiment EVERY DAY.
(Of course, we'll see how amazing I think it is in like, August and I'm carrying a gigantic beach ball and all those Chicken McNuggets catch up to my ass and I'm back in the maternity stores asking for size XL.)
In other news, I have decided that while little boys scare the crap out of me, teenage girls absolutely petrify me, and now I'm hoping the Babalah will be a boy. Because I'm feeling so fucking self satisfied about the 10 pounds I lost during the first trimester. Am I a mother who will impart healthy eating habits on her adolescent? No I am not. Should y'all just call Child Protective Services right now to give them the heads up? Yes you should.
Plus, have you seen the way teenage girls are dressing these days? Aping the unwashed Britney Spears look with the ratty ponytails and the stained sweats and the Urban Outfitters t-shirts while wearing $1,500 worth of Tiffany's jewelry and carrying twee LV purses?
Mama Amy: Damn girl, put on some makeup!
15-year-old Babalah: Whatever, I want to look like I just rolled out of bed.
Mama Amy: Right, because nothing makes more sense than showing a boy exactly how awful you're going to look the next morning.
15-year-old Babalah: Mom!
Mama Amy: At least put some spray shine on your hair before you go?
15-year-old Babalah: I hate you.
Mama Amy: What about these cute lowrise shorts instead?
HaHaHa...the call has been placed so be on your best behavior.
Posted by: Junkie | April 04, 2005 at 01:55 PM
Hee. Pimento baby.
If I manage to not balloon up like Stay-Puff Marshmallow when I am pregnant, I will shout it from the rooftops and carry around a sign alerting people to the fact that I am pregnant and skinny with a cute baby bulge. So I think you're taking a very restrained approach.
Posted by: Mirella | April 04, 2005 at 02:15 PM
Who wouldn't want to be all belly?! More power to you!
Posted by: Morgan | April 04, 2005 at 03:19 PM
I worry I will be the same kind of unhelpful, slightly unhealthy, mom. But I figure at least we're aware of our potential parental shortcomings, and that's gotta count for something!
Posted by: bond girl | April 04, 2005 at 03:30 PM
when I was pregnant, Big Daddy used to tell me that he couldn't tell I was pregnant from behind. I think the analagy that was used on me was a tootpick with a wad of gum stuck to the side. Or that it looked like I swallowed a basketball.
And you have just nailed the reason why I'm grateful My Kid is a boy. Especially now that he's a pre-teen.
Posted by: kalisah | April 04, 2005 at 03:31 PM
You all should go check out that baby name link above that - ack - somebody, can't remember who, posted in comments a while back. I lost several hours over a weekend recently enjoying it. Careful with your beverages though - I definitely snarfed my OJ a few times.
Posted by: megan | April 04, 2005 at 04:09 PM
Little pimento Babalah, I love it.
Oh to be a toothpick, even spearing a cocktail olive, pregnant or not. Okay, maybe not.
David and I saw a man at Starbucks today who looked like he had swallowed a medicine ball whole. Big, round, man-belly. ROUND.
Posted by: Shiz | April 04, 2005 at 04:38 PM
Um, I think in 15 years or so the unwashed Britney style will be out....I mean, no-one here is wearing their 1990's stuff, right?
As a side thought, I imagine in 15 years everyone will either just go naked, or a nouveau-Laura Ingalls look will be happening.
Posted by: mrsatroxi | April 04, 2005 at 04:44 PM
is it wrong to want to be pregnant just for the boobs?
Posted by: type a | April 04, 2005 at 05:08 PM
Yeah....never mention the extra smalls again.
My growing ass hates you. I still like you.
Posted by: Sarcastic Journalist | April 04, 2005 at 06:04 PM
Okay I have a 13 year old. When we go to the mall she walks 10 paces behind me, she acts like she doesn't know me, and when I say "isn't that cute?" She rolls her eyes and acts like I am high. I wish I was. Yes I am persona non grata til we get to the cash register. Then it's "thanks mom" and she runs out of the store ahead of me. The really lovely thing? I have two more daughters. I will spend years being told I don't know what the hell I am talking about, while they wear mohawks,purple hair and date guys that look like Edward Scissorhands.
On the other hand my 3 year old son spends a lot of time trying to dismantle or break everything in the house. You can't win. Both genders suck at different times. Thank god they are nice for 10 minutes here and there. It makes you forget the shitty times.
Posted by: Lisa | April 04, 2005 at 08:35 PM
Yeah, girls can be a little scary. I have 2 teenage girls. I could tell you some stories but I don't want to scare the bejesus out of you. I'll just say that for many, many years they will adore you and think you are a goddess. Then for awhile they'll think you are a dorky bitch. Eventually they learn to tolerate you. But my friends who have teenage boys say that boys disappear into their rooms for like 2 years and don't talk to you anymore. I think that Lisa's right -- they are darling/amazing/awe-inspiring for 10 minutes here and there and that makes it all worthwhile.
Posted by: MistressMary | April 04, 2005 at 11:08 PM
My mom is a bunch like you: skinny from behind, with a beach ball when pregnant. She's really into fashion and quite beautiful, like yourself.
I look like my dad. And for the person who wrote: "I mean, no-one here is wearing their 1990's stuff, right?" Umm... I am. I wear all my high school stuff, because who wants to waste money on clothes? (Yep, even when I had a good job, this was my theory. I'm currently in my high school gym shorts and a t-shirt I got for free.) Oh, and I'm not the least bit bitty. Poor mom.
Amy, good luck. And I hope you get a girly-girl instead of a daughter like me.
Posted by: alektra | April 04, 2005 at 11:09 PM
I cry when I have to wear a size six. And I know I should just be thankful for my weeness but sometimes it doesn't look so wee even if it's weeer than other people. I used that word a lot in one sentence. But anyways I think many of us would like to see pictures of your very cute pregnant self. Especially since you don't have to feel selfconscious about being fat. And why in the world would you not show off your new breasts? Photoessay, please. It's been too long.
Posted by: Jackie O | April 05, 2005 at 01:17 AM
Lets face it Amy, we're all facinated with your skinny bitch ass. LoL. Glad to hear the second trimester is going much better.
Posted by: Frank | April 05, 2005 at 07:32 AM
I hear you girl! Why are all maternity clothes so damn big! I'm not in maternities yet but I will have to get everything extra small.
Posted by: Ana | April 05, 2005 at 09:55 AM
I've never been bigger than a size 2 and had to buy XS in everything, too. And they were still so BIG. I wondered how I could possibly fill them out...and then, at 7 months - my belly stuck further and further out and suddenly I had to buy a whole new set of maternity shirts (in MEDIUM!) so that the lower 1/2 of my belly would be covered. Still couldn't tell I was pregnant from behind, though...
You will be bigger than you ever thought possible.
And it'll be awesome!
Posted by: Michaela | April 05, 2005 at 11:59 AM
Ok,I officially hate all your skinny bitch asses. I still like you, it's the asses I hate.
Posted by: Val | April 05, 2005 at 06:12 PM
just don't hesitate to go ahead & get into maternity clothes. They will make you look PREGNANT instead of CHUBBY.
Posted by: kalisah | April 05, 2005 at 07:30 PM