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May 2005
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July 2005

This Entire Entry Is One Long Sentence

The Wednesday Advice Smackdown has been demoted to a Thursday Advice Smackdown due to work -- horrible, terrible work -- of which I have much because I was out of the office for an obscene number of hours yesterday to accept an award for my work which WOO except that I don't care anymore because I was on deadline and had to ride the Metro downtown and it was hot and sticky and the escalators were all out and I was pregnant and only won an Honorable Mention which was NOT WORTH the hassle and then I got further hassled by some little old man who kept asking me for a jumpstart in the Metro parking lot and wouldn't take no for an answer and said he had a heart condition which, great, I have a pregnancy condition and then I finally gave up and told him I would help him but instead just got in my car and drove off because I am a Bad Person who was Hot and Tired and On Deadline and was at the office until 7 p.m. last night and it didn't do ANY GOOD because I am crazy busy today and also tired... Read more →

Everything Is Okay

You know what makes for a super-extra-great weekend? An emergency trip to Labor & Delivery! You probably never would have thought of that, but seriously, it's a fucking gas. Luckily, as the post title indicates, Everything Is Okay. But for a while we thought maybe everything was not okay, and that was very much Not Fun. NOT FUN. (Warning: If you decide to read all about the Not Fun, you will encounter some girly-parts talk and words like "discharge" and "vaginal." If this also sounds like Not Fun, you have my blessing to skip this entry.) Once upon a time, it was a day called "Thursday" in an age known as "last week," and I noticed a slight change in In the...stuff that... Oh, fuck it. Let's be all grown-up and medical and say it. I noticed a change in the consistency of my vaginal discharge. Instead of white and goopy (EW), it was clear and watery (EW EW). I thought nothing of it, even when it continued on Friday and was a heavy enough flow to make me look like I'd peed myself or something (EW EW EW). And again, I ignored it. (At this point, pregnancy veterans... Read more →

Crimes of Fashion, Plus Gratuitous Belly Photos

And also, one last note about maternity clothes... All the pregnancy books suggest "wear[ing] your husband's clothes! Pair a men's dress shirt with some kicky stirrup leggings! His jeans won't look ridiculous on you at all! And if you're single, gay or just plain fatter than your husband, well, fuck you! Ha!" I have actually taken this Very Stupid Advice from time to time and borrowed Jason's t-shirts. I like to choose ones that are particularly tasteful and appropriate. This one announces to the world that yes, I am indeed carrying the Skeletor Demonspawn of Hell, so hand over the pudding. Earlier this week, I received a particularly amusing comment from some (fat, lonely, unloved) troll who informed me that I am odd-looking, have feet like Fred Flintstone's and anyone who comes to me for hair and make-up advice should be really be referred to an opthalmologist. She signed it with the classic hate-mail closing, "Just a thought." Like, sure, you're just offering some impromptu friendly advice here, and totally did not just spend over 20 minutes composing what you imagine to be a brilliant, deadly blow to my ego, and also, you totally did not have to Google the... Read more →

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

SPECIAL ALL-PREGNANCY EDITION, BECAUSE I DON'T THINK WE'VE HEARD ENOUGH ABOUT THAT LATELY Hot damn, this stupid advice thing is really popular all of a sudden. Why do you people think I know so much? Because I really don't know very much. An example of things I don't know about: Today I need to send someone a fax. I hate sending faxes because I always do it wrong. There are about a dozen different fax machines in my office and they all work differently. I have yet to master ONE. Do I hit 9 first? Enter my long-distance code? Hit "pause" once and then enter my long-distance code? Or do I hit "pause" twice? Also, what is "pause?" There is no "pause" button on the fax machine. Do they mean the pound sign? Asterisk? What's a physical memory dump? And why is the machine taking a physical memory dump all over my fax? Stop dumping! Pause! Asterisk! Anyway, you are clearly seeking advice from a moron, but let's have at it anyway. Hi Amy - I'm a longtime reader, almost no-commenter...but I bet you have the cutest maternity clothes - want to share your sources? I'm about to be outed... Read more →