Wednesday Advice Smackdown
Holy Crap, Y'all

A Dog, a Lump & Tampons (In That Order)


The D.C. area was hit with a helluva thunderstorm last night, which good news! It's only going to be 90 degrees today! And there's almost no humidity!

Bad news! It knocked out the power at my office, and while everything essential for actually working has been restored, the elevators are still on the fritz. Which means ...(dies).

Granted, I live on the third floor of a walk-up building, but usually Jason is with me and is willing to put his hands on my ass and give me a boost up each flight. My coworkers were surprisingly unwilling to offer me such assistance.

(HA! ASSistance. GEDDIT?)

(Oh, shut up, I just climbed up four flights of stairs.)

(Here, look at some random pictures. Am all busy today and stuff.)


This is Ceiba, playing our favorite game of "Wave Hands Wildly In Front Of Dog And Watch Her Respond In An Amusingly Manic Fashion." I'd explain the rules of this game to you, but they're really, really complicated.



We always let her win. I mean, wouldn't you?



And this is me, last Sunday, when I excitedly made Jason take a full-frontal photo, because "you totally cannot tell I'm pregnant from the front in this dress!"

I was mistaken. I can see that now.


I also see that I really have no business wearing this dress in the first place.


I was all dressed up and such for a night out with a whole slew of delightful folks from this message board, which is all about food and restaurants and I am way too intimidated by everyone to ever post anything. But Jason does, so I tagged along with him and all the other Internet nerds who are now our people. (They all know who I am, if only because Jason uses this photo as his avatar.)

(T-shirt by bmh, in a much-belated shout-out.)

These people eat weird things, like veal sweetbreads and eyeballs and such. They know about wine and cheese and exactly which street vendor sells the best half-smokes and which restaurant currently serves the best prosciutto. They get very het up about the myth of the unpasteurized cheese. ("It's bullshit! BULLLLSHIT!") And they all wanted to know what foods I've been craving.

I briefly thought of lying and saying something like, "I simply cannot get enough of the cauliflower panna cotta with caviar and black truffle that they serve as the amuse course at Komi, which honestly, serves up SUCH a refreshing take on New American cuisine, don't you agree?"

Just to, you know, not sound like an idiot. Which is exactly what I sounded like when I answered truthfully and said I wanted pudding and Slim Jims.

Of course, I did meet one fan. That's her hand, and that's the kind of animated and intelligent-looking reaction you'll get from me should you ever bump into me on the street. Or in a restaurant. Where I will sit like a fat, pregnant lump.

Img_0718 Reader's Hand: I read your site! It's great!

Amalah's Fat, Lumpy Self:
I apologize for subjecting you to the cleavage. I was not aware of the cleavage factor when I left the house. Reader's Hand: I'm going back to my end of the table now, I think.

(Can I tell you, while I was in Photoshop blurrifying faces, just how tempted I was to give myself a nice, non-flabby arm?)


In other news, I was really excited when the following mysteriously appeared in my office restroom.


Free tampons! In multipack sizes! There for the taking! Impudently placed directly under the tampon dispenser, as if to say, "Fuck you, Tampon Dispenser! Your quarter-eating days are OVER! Free tampons for everyone! Up with the proletariat!"

But then I remembered that I have no use for free tampons right now, and I'm wondering: Is this box a one-time event? Can I take its presence as a promise of more free tampons to come? Or will the Reign of the Non-Dispensing Tampon Dispenser one day return?

I'm thinking, either way, of taking a couple tampons now and saving them for later. Just for the sake of fairness.



You look mahvelous, dalink!

And the Ceiba? I so wish you had a movie of that!


i wore a dress similar to that but with horizontal stripes. i said horizontal, yes. i'm a small person, i can pull that off.

turns out, not as well as i thought, according to photographic evidence. damned photographs anyway!


ALWAYS take the free tampons. They are a God-given right. Also, you will need them to stop the blood flow when Ceiba rips off your limbs with her big, ferocious doggy teeth. Grr!


You look cute in the black dress! You have to take advantage of being able to wear tight, sexy clothes now. After the baby is born everything will be unsatisfyingly squishy. And then the baby gets older and gets a kick out of pulling your shirt down in public, and saying "Wow!"


We have a very similar game we play with our dog...its a little different because she is a 60 pound lap dog but I imagine the rules are very similar. Be VERY afraid of the ferocious beast...I know the song well.

And you should TOTALLY take the free tampons, at some point in the future you WILL need them again.

I think the dress look adorable! At least you aren't wearing those maternity clothes that try to HIDE the bump, those are all so dumpy looking. You have far too much style for that!


The dress is adorable, and the cleavage factor is not so much a problem--it's evening--it's dinner--even Mammy says it's okay to show off your bosoms at dinner, just not in the afternoon, Miss Amalah..

And stock up on those tampons like they're going out of style! It's only right..

Ceiba = very scary. A lean, mean, miniature snarling machine... But, umm, those are some seriously pornographic pictures of her...


Oh man, between the words "full-frontal photo" and "pregnant" appearing in the same entry, and now Kathryn using the word "pornographic," this entry is doooomed to forever get the super-gross Google hits.

And I'm going to make it worse by saying that perhaps I should have blurrified my dog's vagina as well.


The blurry foodie faces are pretty scary! Scarier than Ceiba's little needle fangs. Oh, and Tampons lying around un-attended? I've been known to steal a few. It's instinct (I think).


I love that dress. I'm excited that one day when I too am part of the reproducing masses, God willing, that there will be cute clothes to wear.

Humor Girl


First off, your arm AIN'T flabby! (Thinks: maybe she DID photoshop it! and just says she didn't so we would all say, "oh amalah, I can't believe how fat you think you are when you're not!" hehehe)

Second, I'd let Ceiba win, too.

Third, SO cute in little black dress!


The dress is actually not maternity. It's some stretchy little number I got at J.Crew awhile ago. I'm very much testing the limits of lycra-blend fabrics, and I've probably ruined it for post-pregnancy wear.

But maternity little black dresses? Still look potato sacks unless you want to spend a gajillion dollars.


i have a black and white diagonally striped dress that is non-maternity that i am currently wearing a lot right now (being all 38 weeks along and hating shorts of all kinds at this point), and i have to say, your black dress is just as cute as mine. and you look like you feel cute in it. :-)

and hey, about the boobage - really, they're meant to be all useful and stuff, for the baby you're carrying, so why worry that other people are getting an eyeful? they're UTILITY boobs, you know!


They're free, and they don't go bad. Stock up.

Also, you look much LESS pregnant from the front in that dress, if it makes you feel any better. Reader's Hand

That dress was perfect - there was more than one foodie nerd there that night who was way envious that you could look so totally great in it.

p.s. And I have a photo of Jason making a face at that dinner that makes Ceiba's look tame, and is screaming "caption contest." will send later.

Sarcastic Journalist

I dare you to leave a pack of condoms in there.

Real Girl

Amalah's tush, it looks cute in the dress. The dress should be worn, without doubt, in the state of the pregnancy!

The dog. The dog, she scares Real Girl. But her tush is cute too.

Logical deduction: Babalah's gonna have one helluva tush.


I've just noticed how much the photo with the blurrified faces of all the foodies looks like something out of The Ring - like, "Gah, we're all going to die in 7 days!"

Ahem. Now on with your business.


Oh and the answer to any question which goes something like, "Should I take the free tampons?" is always yes.


We have a tampon machine in the bathroom at my office which has never ever not once ever had tampons in it! When I asked about it, I was told it was not the company's responsibilty to keep us in tampons. Huh. Why'd you put the machine in then? I don't remember anything else from that day.


God, y'all CRACK ME UP some days.

This is one of those days. Carry on with the tush and tampon talk.


I miss the free tampons they had at my last job. That was the only good thing about that job. My job now rocks, but no tampons whatsoever. Not even a tampon-dispensing machine. I think the trade-off is worth it though. But yes, you should totally take the free tampons when you can get them.

cheryl b.

Amy! I have a bit of baby having assvise. Real Girl talking about cute tushies reminded me. Did you know that you can pinch your baby's butt all you want? Cause you can! He's yours and no-one can stop you. Xavier is 3 1/2 and I still pinch his tush on a daily basis. Also, you can kiss him one gazillion times all over his little baby face and neck and he won't be able to stop you. Because he'll be small! Oh I love babies.


OMG, Cheryl B. I loved your comment.

Amalah, you look so cute in that dress. I have a stretchy pink dress that I wore in June to my sister's graduation and you make me want to find a reason to wear it again.

And take some tampons before they're all gone. Just stick them in your desk or something.


Love the dress! Don't be crazy. Didn't you say that you were lacking in the cleavage pre-pregnancy? I am also lacking in the cleavage and am totally looking forward to pregnancy for the boobage. People pay good money for those, you know : )

Ceiba, very scary. I play a similar game with my dogs involving pushing him and snatching hand away, pushing and snatching hand away, while the dog manically tries to nibble on me. And by nibble, I mean viciously bite me. Its our favorite game too.


You scared me when you mentioned a lump in the title. Glad it was just the little Boy Babalah.


And 90 degrees?

I weep for you.


I can't help but laugh at your weather reports. My husband is going to the area nearly every week now and it is like you are translating for him or something. Now, I know why his flight was delayed last night. Don't know, just struck me as funny.


When I worked at the student union, the ladies rooms had tampon machines which were often empty. One day a girl came to the info desk to let the guy on duty know that the machine was empty and he offered her some band-aids instead.


you look adorable in the dress, but totally pregnant - from all angles. (sorry :) )

I wish I had thought to wear something so cute and fun when I was pregnant.


Long-time lurker, first time poster. *waves hi to everyone*

Couple of things, Amalah: You can NEVER have too many free tampons. And my arm is flabby. Very, very flabby. Yours? Not so much. You look great! I wish I looked as good and I am definitely not pregnant.

Ceiba's game also is very similar to our cat Oscar's. Only his involves us waving our feet at him, then him trying to eat them. Ugh. No accounting for taste, but he does look all fierce and non-cute-cuddly-kitten-like. (Or so we tell him.)


SO glad you are not relegated to wear frumpy pregnant shoes. I have no idea what those would be? But I imagine a loafer-like thing. Which, ew. And then no one would take your advice. EVER.


I wish I looked that fabulous in a little black dress! At 24 weeks, I just feel...frumpy! But you look beautiful!




There's this one picture of me where my jaw looks really crooked [because it is, to me anyway] and I totally cropped some hair and moved it over and made it look like I had a normal chin!

Anywho, I can't believe there's another Amy on here!! whoo! We're gonna need t-shirts soon or a secret handshake or something.


What a cute black dress. I love when clothing does double-duty. It's almost like you spent half as much on it now, since you can wear it twice as much.

I wish someone would leave free tampons out at my work. But since I work from home, that would just be weird because they would just be tampons I paid for and the husband would ask why I left the box out in plain view.

Mary Williams

I am so jealous of the ridiculously NON flabby arms. Am currently only 13 1/2 weeks in and already have arms twice that flabby. SO not fair!


I can't do tampons. I have tried several times and am always terrified that one yank will break the string and then I will live the rest of my life with bloodied cotton flowing through my system. And they never feel comfortable. My old-lady, non-vagina-invasive pads work just fine.


Frema, I know you are not looking for advice, but I have to tell you that I too was afraid of invading my hoohoo with a cotton thing attached to a string. Yet I was somehow coerced into trying Playtex Slimfits They are delightfully small and....yay! I don't have to worry about leaking, or smelling funny, or sticking the pad off-center and accidentally yanking out little hairs! (Sorry, that's gross, but we're talking about tampons, so I guess it's to be expected.) So there's my story, for what it's worth....


I have got to tell you - your arms look great - seriously - my arms look like I sling fish for a living - yours look so toned - go you!!!! xxx


One excellent reason to go back to work. Stay at home moms NEVER get free tampons. There are some in the church bathroom where I take my little to music class. SOOOo damned tempting, but even *I* can't stoop THAT low. Can I? *wink*


Oh, PS - Can you pretend the stair climbing was some kind of prenatal bikram yoga class or something? then you'll feel all bad-ass about it, yes?


My puppy does the same thing, and then she'll run around the house with her butt tucked under her. It's hilarious.

My husband would've completely fit in with the foodies b/c he's an Executive Chef at a downtown hotel (but he's not the type of Exec to sit in the office all day - he's out there working his butt off with the rest of the crew. Had to clear that up.) The only thing is he's not very outgoing so I'm not sure how he'd do with a big group of strangers. LOL


I'm glad I'm not the only person whose husband terrorizes the dog with the waving arm game.
He's 80 lbs. though.

Also, you're freaking adorable. No flab, just prettiness.


I'm back.

"Hope Joepa dies in his sleep tonight hates Penn State because I went to Pitt" is back. I don't expect anyone to care that I'm back, but this site is too damn funny and (seriously here) vital to my understanding of the pregnant female.

My comments have nothing to do with today's entry - I violently oppose any feminine product anecdotes, and, if I beat out my boy Joe Biden as president, feminine product commercials will go the way of cigarette ads.

That being said - where are Jason's comments? As a husband in month 7, I need help! On the way home from work today, some girl was riding her bike across the street in front of our car and my wife rolled down the window to tell the cyclist to "take her fucking time - and fuck Lance Armstrong!"

So I plead for some insight from your Creamery-lovin' husband to help out? Please?

Oh yeah, I'm a man, er boy.


i'm just curious how much hate mail you received about wearing those heels during your pregnancy.

actually, i'm just jealous because this past weekend i couldn't wear my cute heels since my feet were swollen bigger than my calves (seriously), partially due to being 35 weeks pregnant, but mainly due to THE DAMN HEAT.


About the tampon thing - I am in favor of invoking the Costco Principle. You know...when you automatically take a sample of whatever they put out and? if you don't want it? guaranteed, someone with you will want it.

Also, would like to re-introduce an obscure phrase that I regularly use to describe the heat in DC: "hotter than GaaaaaaaDaaaaaamn!"

Definition/Explanation: anyplace else, go outside and it's so hot that it makes you say, "GaaaaaaaDaaaaaaamn!"; go out of doors in DC? and there are no's hotter than GaaaaaDaaaaaamn!

So, there you have it. Feel free to use with reckless abandon ;)

PS--> how do you manage to stay so cute and fresh looking despite the heat? I always look all miserable and wilted.

type a

would that be because you're such a selfish, greedy bitch?

gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah

girlie, you look so pretty with your big belly! loave it!!

asa knows that hand-wavy game - he totally wins every time.

i owe you an email and also was considering mailing you the addressed envelope filled with present that has been decorating my desk for a month now - think i should get on it?

Bonanza Jellybean


It's a moral imperative. (Name that movie?)

suzanna danna

That dress is simply the cat's pajamas or the bee's knees or some other animal's something or other. You look precious.

Ceiba = slightly p0rny. Rawr.


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