12:52 am. Off to the hospital. Contractions four minutes apart and hurting like proper motherfuckers. My cervix BETTER BE COOPERATING, IS ALL I'M SAYING. Jason will update soon. Read more →

So everybody probably thought my next post would be something like this: Labor! Motherfuckingcontractionsowowow! Going to hospital now. Where is bag? Shoes? Lip gloss? CrapcontractionrightNOW Jason will update ASAP but I'm guessing it will be a boy baby of some kind who will look something like this, only less orange. Well, I thought maybe so too. But no. After hours of completely pointless, annoying and painful Braxton-Hicks contractions and another spurt of crazy nesting energy, I have determined that I am still most definitely not in labor. However, I have gotten all of the following things done today: 1) Packed hospital bag for (hopefully) the last time. Contains paper for documenting all the hilarious curse words I invent during contractions and hopefully funny anecdotes about the L&D nurses, unless the L&D nurses are all, "Hey! You're that girl from The Washingtonian!" Which means I can't say anything mean about them, because I'm a chickenshit like that. Bag also contains the Bethiclaus blanket AND my new Lucky Labor Socks that Stinkerbell knitted and sent all the way from FRANCE, which WOW, how did women give birth before the Internet was around to send them pretty things? Also realized that the elusive... Read more →

Seeing as it became a popular point of discussion in the comments section, I hereby inform the Internet that I lost the mucus plug last night. And that Peyton was right, you really, really don't want to Google that. Read more →

Hello, due date! Goodbye, due date! I had a nonstress test and a biophysical profile this morning and passed both with flying fucking colors. The baby is reactive and happy and has enough amniotic fluid to see him through winter. (I'd be annoyed with him for being so cozy in there if the ultrasound hadn't shown us his adorable and brilliant fetal breathing, which awwwwww, what cute little lungs!) Cervix? Not dilated. IN THE SLIGHTEST. MY GOD. So we wait. My doctor doesn't want to rush things and is imploring me to be patient. Which in theory, I completely agree with. If the baby isn't ready, he isn't ready. Then I get home and huff and puff my way up the stairs, moan as I plop down on the couch and stare at my swollen feet and massive stretch-marked belly while Jason gazes longingly into our gorgeous nursery and then sadly heads off to work and suddenly I am rethinking this whole low-intervention bullshit because HELLO, I SIGNED UP FOR A BABY AND WOULD LIKE TO REDEEM MY COUPON NOW PLEASE. I go back on Monday to repeat both tests. Unless I, you know, go into labor, which could happen... Read more →

Because I need a break in talking about HOW I AM NOT IN LABOR YET, I decided to scan some photos from this kind of hilarious cookbook I found in my office last week. And then say semi-funny things about the photos, like I'm James Lileks and the Gallery of Regrettable Food or something.* Click here for the The Company Cookbook: A Journey Through the Center of the Middle of the Shredded Cheddar Cheese Universe *I am so not James Lileks and the Gallery of Regrettable Food or something. I'm just bored and again, NOT IN LABOR YET. (EDITED TO ADD: Before everybody thinks I'm taking easy potshots at the gentle Midwesterners and their love of the Hotdish and Cream of Mushroom soup, let me state for the record that this company is located in Florida. Which makes zero sense, I know, but yes, Florida.) (And it's always okay to make fun of Florida, right?) Read more →

Yesterday's total number of page views had an extra zero on it. Y'all are going to get some major carpal tunnel syndrome if you don't quit with the mad refreshing. So this entry is simply today's Good Morning Calm Down No Labor Yet Placeholder Entry. Perhaps I shall write something clever later today, but if I wait to update until something clever actually occurs to me, I might cause the Internet some permanent harm. So here. These are the only babies currently present in the Storch household. This situation is not expected to change for several more days, or possibly months, because I have one damn comfy womb. Read more →

PLACES I COULD HAVE GONE INTO LABOR AT THIS WEEKEND: 1) Target 2) Starbucks 3) Home Depot 4) Coach 5) IKEA Now I ask you, how awesome would it have been if my water had broken at IKEA? Or Coach! Right there among the Soho collection? Very awesome, is how awesome that would have been. This kid is not cooperating with my need for narrative cohesiveness on my website. Hello 40 weeks! Hello stretch marks! Hello gaping, fearful stares from people on the street! Obviously, I am not in labor yet. Although we thought I was in labor for 20 glorious minutes on Saturday night, at an Indian restaurant, where I proceeded to have THREE WHOLE CONTRACTIONS at exactly six minutes apart. Let's go get the bag! Lock up the pets! We're having a baby! And then the contractions went all wonky (that's the technical term) and irregular and ta-da! False alarm. It was very sad, but at least I got to stay and have my rice pudding. PLACES MY BELLY GOT FELT UP BY TOTAL STRANGERS THIS WEEKEND: 1) Target 2) Starbucks 3) Whole Foods 4) IKEA 5) The flipping carwash I went virtually unmolested throughout my entire pregnancy.... Read more →

So much has happened. Absolutely nothing has happened. Tuesday was my last day at work. I'm working from home from now on, because Seriously. It was hard to leave...I mean, I'm going back, and I'm pretty sure everybody believes me when I say I'm going back, but to leave an office knowing that it will be over three months until I return? And leaving my work in the hands of other people? Other people who seem SO CALM AND COLLECTED AND COMPETANT? I wanted the editors who will be filling in for me to panic, just a bit. To ask me millions of questions and root through my filing cabinets and basically act the way I feel. Maybe some tears. But no, they just kept trying to reassure me that everything was under control and that they could handle it all just fine. I like to think that they are lying, just so I can feel needed. Oh, and in the last five minutes of the workday, I had some kind of mini-nostalgia meltdown and started grabbing picture frames and pens (but those are my FAVORITES!) and God-knows-what-else from my office to take home with me because I might miss... Read more →

Nursery photos! Now with new-and-improved visibility! So see? It's a big...tree of some sort. My mother-in-law handpainted the trunk and branches, then stenciled the 500 million leaves. And then handpainted veins and stems on those 500 million leaves. I wandered around and whined that I wished I could help, and so she handed me a paintbrush and told me to stencil some falling leaves. My bluff, she was called. But I sucked it up and stenciled three whole leaves and I think they look rather smashing. I can't wait to show my son exactly which leaves I painted just for him. "That one! And that one! Oh, that one actually resembles a leaf, so no, not that one." The whole thing is varathaned, by the way, so if the little one decides to explore his own artistic talents (that he will no doubt have gotten from me, with the mad-leaf-stenciling skills and all) all over the walls, we can recreate our favorite tableau from Mommie Dearest and scrub it off. She also painted some adorable woodland creatures -- some on the walls and some on canvases. This raccoon will be hung in the tree as soon as we find some... Read more →

Oh Internet, I had such grand ideas for today's post -- we have artwork and a-fancy paintin' type things in the nursery now, and lo, it is gorgeous and very ready for the Prince of Everything's debut. My mother-in-law? Scary, scary talented. And patient. And not asking me to help at all, which is the best part. I took pictures this morning but...well, I am an idiot who forgot to turn on the flash. So I have pictures of shadows and things which are not at all interesting. Here's a preview, courtesy of the one photo that actually came out, kind of. So instead of nursery photos and some hilarious commentary about me stenciling leaves (yes), repainting our bathroom (no), and pouring spoiled milk into everyone's morning coffee because I JUST DIDN'T NOTICE THE CURDLES (yes), I will post some belly pictures, because THOSE came out just fine. Jason took these last night, when my belly looked especially pointy and lopsided. There really isn't any way to describe the feeling of having a full-sized, actual infant inside you. Except impatience, because clearly, this kid is just freeloading at this point. Then I took these this morning, just to give you... Read more →