Two Weeks

A Quick Exception to the No "Dear Baby" Letter Rule

Dear Noah,

I'm really, really sorry about the Indian food. I ate seventy metric tons of curry while I was pregnant, so I figured it would be okay now.

But we'll just consider last night's projectile spit-up-a-thon a lesson learned and never speak of it again.


P.S. Just so we're clear, I did not actually feed the baby Indian food. I ate it, nursed him, chaos and horror ensued. I am clarifying this point because of the disturbing number of readers who misinterpreted my orange juice comment as me actually feeding my two-week-old baby orange juice, which PEOPLE, COME ON.

P.P.S. My mom is coming to stay with us this week, though, so you can all rest assured that she will stop me from doing anything breathtakingly stupid, like giving the baby beer or drugs or pudding.



People. Are. STOOOPID. If they think you fed your newborn orange juice, for the love of God. I can't tell you how pleased i am to hear that nursing is going well for you, now. I'm so proud of you for sticking it out; so many many people don't. You sound very happy!



People amaze me.

That's all.


I'd love to be able to give my baby beer or drugs or pudding or whatever it is that would make her SLEEP THROUGH THE BLOODY NIGHT ALREADY.

Oh sorry. Have fun with mom!


Babies can't drink beer?!? Dang, I'm glad you had a baby first so I can learn through you, lol!

Seriously, though, I'm sorry Noah had such a not nice time with the projectile spit up and all, but I'm glad all is okay now!


Thinking you would give your baby OJ is pretty stupid. Geez. I knew a girl in high school who put Jack Daniels in her baby's bottle so the baby would sleep and Mom could party. Another example of the extremem stupidity out there.


people are stupid and should realize that you are the going to be the best mother ever!

first the sheets and now this!


Any chance you could edit my previous post so when I rant about stupidity I don't look stupid by spelling extreme wrong? :)


Poor, poor Storch family! I read that with a huge, lunatic grin on my face,as I recalled my own folly in chowing down metric tons of broccoli and listening to my son's 21-gun salutes all night long. And projectile vomit...ewww. Hope he didn't take out any of Grandma Storch's furry wall critters.


Well, I have to admit that reading about orange juice I though you MIGHT have given Noah some OJ, but I decided to refrain from commenting. Now I do, making my stupidity palpable to anyone, blah.
People are so strange, aren't they?
Glad to hear that nursing goes so well!
My kids did not like cow's milk. What? I drank it, not them, but each time I had cow's milk, their stomach stirred and they cried a lot. So while I was nursing, I simply could not drink milk.


Ok, Amy, if you want to try some spectacular casseroles guaranteed to get the WHOLE family projectile vomiting, check out this site:
It's that Arkansas family that keeps having babies! Bon appetit!


Beer? Naw, you have to give them bourbon.


Fuckin cracked me up-once again. Hi Noah.
Damnmit, now I want Indian food.


GetUpGirl of Chez Miscarriage used to call those type of asshat comments "drive-by's". So sorry you've had a few so soon in the game.


I've come to the conclusion that people only think others are that stupid because they themselves are just that dumb.

Of course, I'm cooking Indian food right as I type and maybe it isn't such a great idea...Hmmm


My cousin totally dipped her fingers in beer and let her two-week-old daughter suck it off. But then again, I live in Texas, and I guess we do that here.

For the record, though, I never thought for a moment that you fed your baby orange juice, and I love your diaper bag. I want one and I don't even have a baby.


Yikes! I'm learning a lot of "what not to do" from your experience.


Whatever. Drunk babies are happy babies.

(I kid! As if you didn't know.)


Hey, with my son it was hamburger pizza that got him. Why did I choose hamburger? I thought it wouldn't hurt his stomach, who even thought about the sauce???

Take care, this is a learning process!


Your mom and my mom are quite different. Considering all the shit I put her through (literally and figuratively) growing up, I think she'd sit back and cackle when she saw me making a mistake (not that I'd listen if she gave me advice, anyways). Oh, and dad fed me beer as a baby when mom wasn't looking. It explains a number of things.


Hi, congrats on the birth of ur new bundle of wonder... dont know if anyone has recommended this and too damn many comments to go thru to check it is... I found the miracle cream for nappy rash was one of the cheapest things on the market here in the uk...its called.. zinc and castor oil cream...when I lived in south africa I had to have a chemist specially mix it for me..but in the UK it can be purchased from any supermarket. If you can get it there...groovy! if not...let me know...I will be happy to send u a pot or two.

Best wishes


Poor you guys with the Indian-food reaction. I'm so sorry about that.

The first time we had projectile here, my husband and I just watched in fascination, that SO MUCH could come out of our wee one in SO LITTLE time. It was truly an amazing thing to watch.

Not so amazing to clean up afterwards, however. Bummer. I hope it happened in an area free of stainable fabrics.


Meant to add:

My mom kept Jack Daniels in the house for those times when we were:

a) really, really sick and just needed to sleep already, or

b) so totally working her last nerve that it was either that or sell us to the gypsies (her favorite threat).

I honestly can't remember if she gave it to us or drank it herself. :)


Wait! Was that a "Dear Baby" letter? j/k!
Hey all I can say is Pump and Dump Girl, Pump and Dump!! That way you can enjoy the things that Mr. Noah isn't so fond of...Indian Food, margaritas, etc..

Humor Girl

Come on! No pudding!? What do you hate this child!?


La Leche League is going to be hunting me down and killing me for saying this but when you said the thing about giving the baby orange juice? yeah...I thought to myself "its a little early, but mom's have a sense about this sort of'll be great!" sheesh!!

sorry the curry didn't sit well...maybe some extra beer this week will? just an idea...i mean of course for YOU NOT for the BABY...for you...

just so we are for you...boobs for baby.


Oh my... he's not a curry lover, well he might grow to love it some day.

just popped in Coach, and there are baby coach goods freshly retailed! THE BOOTIES ARE TO DIE FOR!

Dr. Johnny Fever

When my kids were newborns, they loved a good beer bong.


You mean you can't give babies beer? Wah? Well then cheetos and Red Bull must be okay, right? I mean Kevin and I have had so much trouble lately, y'all! I just want to sleep. Cigarette smoke isn't bad for the baby either right? Y'all I am so lucky I found your website. I'll never believe anything that Kevin's other baby mama tells me.


Babies can't eat curry?????! *wanders off completely befuddled*


When I was a kid, a woman in my neighborhood was arrested because she had been giving all her kids (including two infants) a generous dose of Nyquil every night before bed. Granted, she had five kids under the age of five...

bond girl

I wonder if people either:
a) troll message boards and blogs, looking for information to deliberately misinterpret and get high and mighty about or
b) are really that stupid.

It's a toughie.


I wonder if people either:
a) troll message boards and blogs, looking for information to deliberately misinterpret and get high and mighty about or
b) are really that stupid.

It's a toughie.

Lisa V

Wait, pudding with a little valium mixed in was how I got all my kids to sleep through the night. I waited until they were three weeks old though.


I didn't even have to think about the orange juice comment. I was all "Mmmmhmmmm, o.j., I remember that fiasco." And the chocolate one first daughter was born right before Halloween so we had tons of candy around. Her tummy did not like chocolate.
Obviously those ladies did not breastfeed.


For the next twenty years, all your posts are going to be about Noah, aren't they?



They really believed you gave him orange juice? Really? Funny how those are the folks who feel most compelled to share their expertise and knowledge. Gaw.


Um, well, considering that she writes about her life, and now there's a baby in her life, I think it would not be a stretch to imagine that a few of her posts may have *something* to do with said baby.

Call me crazy...


Wha? You can't feed a baby oj and curry? Phesh. People.

Real Girl

What is it about boys and Indian food? None of the Real men in my life can take it either.


When you said orange juice gives your kid a stomach ache, I thought you meant that you fed him orange juice, but I didn't think there was anything wrong with that. It's orange juice. You know. Vitamin C. Heh.


so, no beer for babies? i'll add it to my list....

Wacky Mommy

laughing hard over here. Wacky Boy was insanely colicky for first four months, and it appeared to be triggered by my eating milk or cheese. Or looking at him wrong. Jesus god, goat cheese is great, but soy cheese needs to be outlawed. thanks for the smiles -- hadn't thought about this in three years...


You think the vomit incident was horrific... wait until *god forbid* you get to witness projectile pooping. No, I'm not kidding. My oldest son had colic, so I got my gag reflex under control in short order... I had no choice, since he was spewing from the mouth CONSTANTLY. Couldn't keep anything down for any length of time. So about the time I'm thinking 'Well, maybe I WON'T have to throw myself in traffic', because he was getting over the colic phase, well... along came the shit missile, right in the middle of a diaper change. Oh, were it but solid... then I might not be carrying the emotional scars to this DAY. Instead, it was, well... okay, I won't share the graphic imagery burned in my retinas, but let's just sat it wasn't pretty.

I'm praying for you, diligently, so that you never have to deal with THAT.

Oh, and congrats, by the way. Noah is absolutely byooteemuss.


Ha! Projectile vomiting....I remember it well. The culprit in our case was cranberry juice which I was drinking by the gallon due to some urinary tract issues post-delivery...

Apparently it didn't agree so much with my bundle of joy and she saw fit to demonstrate it.

Being peed, pooped, and barfed on...and frankly not giving a rats ass because it all came from your perfect little baby. That's what it's all about.


i have a sad story to tell.
when you said that the o.j. made noah's tummy angry, i actually thought to myself--'self, i wonder how many people are going to think that she actually gave the baby orange juice'?

and then i thought that maybe i was just assuming the worst of people.
but, no?
people really thought that?
don't they actually read your blog and know that you are, in fact, not an idiot?

i just did a really big sigh.

haven't commented for a couple of posts--but noah? is the most adorable thing ever.


With the 'Dear Baby' thing, what you really need is one of those heirloom boxes made of porcelain, in the shape of an envelope, with painted roses and "Dear Baby, The day you were born blessed my life" written in gold leaf on the inside. They're always advertised for $79.95 + p&h in cheap local magazines, and/or seniors knitting annuals.

Seriously, like, SO much classier than a 'Dear Baby' letter.

the kim half of glamorouse

Really? Are people really that stupid? Man, I was kinda hoping we weren't as moronic as people in power wish we were...

Thanks for the heads up re the curry though - this pregnancy has been one big chilli-fest (Oscar was dairy, Felix was salt, this one is spice . . . I'm guessing I'll have to go to four to get the 'all things nice' one) and I'd been thinking it might mean I wouldn't have to descend to the Diet of Bland, but obviously not.

40 weeks, 1 day and counting.

Heather B.

Seriously, real girl is right, why don't boys/men (except for Jason) like indian food? Curry is good for you!


Yay for your mommy coming to visit! How is she doing, anyway? I'm sure time with Noah will be the best therapy. Oh, and her baby Amalah!


No drugs for the baby?? MY GOD!! what kind of mother ARE you???

(*giggle* a great one, of course. but, we already knew that)


I'm with Noah on the curry thing.


I thought you meant you were feeding him OJ. But hear me out! I'm not a mom, so I thought "huh, it must be some thing her doctor prescribed for Noah?"

I did NOT, however, pass judgment on Amalah.


Oh poor poor Noah and parents. I feel for you, especially because of the no indian food now! Sob!


So, what CAN you eat while breastfeeding? This is a total mystery to me as it seems that many, many things disagree with babies in breast milk.


I had Indian food this weekend and endured my own lil' horror of a time afterward (and I don't even have a baby!) Man, I love Indian food, but sometimes it is like playing Russian roulette.

Sarcastic Journalist

My daughter LOVES beer, especially after we've all smoked a bowl together.

RockStar Mommy

There's such a huge population of the Internet that rides the short bus. For some reason, they're totally attracted to your site (don't feel bad though, after yours they come right to mine).

Projectile spit-up. Yep. It's become pretty routine around here. Don't worry, it gets a lot less scary the 582374th time it happens - by that time you hardly EVER think of that scene from the Exorcist.


I hear that airing his bottom out will help with the spitting up. Or something like that.

Von Glitschka

I took my 3 year old to work one time when my wife needed to go get a perm. (I hate perms but that's another story) So there I sit working at my computer and I hear a huge guttural roar and look down and my daughter is smiling at me. She had a blow out and the poop shot out the back of her diaper up her back and out the neck hole of the onesie (sp?) and all over the back of her head and chair she was laying in.

I immediate realized my problem. My wife forgot to leave a diaper bag. I had no back up onesie, no clean diapers and no car. I was the only one working at the time too.

I attempted to pull the onesie off but it was clear if I tried I'd smear poop further into my childs hair etc. So I did what any desperate Dad would do and grabbed my Fiskers and cut the onesie off my daughter like a firefighter using the jaws of life to extract a wreck victim.

I tossed the onesie and dirty diaper in the trash and then washed my daughter in the company sink in the kitchen.

So the moral of this post is to never forget your diaper bag.

Congratulations on your new born and thanks for making me laugh with your comments.


Yikes... and I think the other moral is to never use your office kitchen sink...


I have to say, ashamedly, that I am with Noah, and the Indian food? Not my favorite. Our delicate little tummies can't take it. Big fat heavy German food, though, with dumplings and gravy? The best. And it is Octoberfest time, after all.

On second thought, I guess he can't eat dumplings yet. But you can!

Big Gay Sam

"...she will stop me from doing anything breathtakingly stupid, like giving the baby beer or drugs or pudding."

Or something worse, like, drugged beer pudding.


Ewwww. When I was nursing our 20 month old I tried to avoid seafood of any kind because it gave him the nastiest smelling diapers I have ever come across.


When I was pregnant with my oldest (18 and currently in basic training) I *lived* on peanut butter and butter sammiches and lemonade. Recipe for vicious, never-fucking-ending heartburn anyone?
With my youngest,it was all about the stuffed jalopenos. I of course cannot stand them now (nor could I before I was pregnant with him),but he's 2 now and loves them. The little weirdo.


Not sure if you saw this info in yesterday's Washington Post...


oh yum. indian food. yay for mom!


well then, what do indian moms eat when they are nursing? just curious.

i'm also worried that i'll be a terrible mom one day because of my intense fear of vomit. apparently, vomit comes with the terrority. mass amounts of it. =O


And my lactation consultant told me that they couldn't care less about what you ate.


I'm so glad you've gotten over the feeding problem! I know that it was important to you to do so.


Christ on crutches, projectile vomit over Indian food has to be against some law SOME where, doesn’t it? Can we write it in as a by-law? That’s just not right. Son #1 used to adore Indian food when he was, though he will pepper the ever-living-shit out of just about anything but ice cream…he claims he just cant take it now.

I think he does it just to annoy me.

Anyway.. My email has been a wee bit hosed lately and life has been something of a dime store drama, but I DID want to stop by to let you know that painting is underway.

I er... Hope you don’t mind, but.. There have been so MANY cute photos after the one you sent in that I’ve gotten on to the notion of a theme. Nothing ‘stalky’ or anything, just an artist between commissions with oodles of cute baby photos being bandied about. You cant expect me to pass up a good theme, can you? Especially now that mom is coming over :P Generations make awesome themes. :)

right.. shutting up now. Will send works in progress soonish.



But surely pudding would be alright!


Actually, the beer, drugs and pudding work wonders on that diaper rash.




Just on the whole "mum's orange juice/cow's milk/curry affecting baby's belly" issue and how mum's diet affects baby:
Mum's milk is made out of what is in Mum's blood and passing through: vitamins, minerals, tiny compounds (such as antioxidants, alcohol and drugs (for those stupid enough) etc) and the carbs, fats and protein. Whatever is high in Mum''s blood will come through high in the milk. Generally, glucose is the main type of carb in the blood and gets made into lactose for the milk. However, if you have a lot of fruit (such as a nice big glass of orange juice or a massive fruit salad), then more of that sugar will be fructose (as well as the normal lactose) and so there will be more fructose than normal in the milk. Any time that a LARGE amount of fructose gets into your gut, you are likely to get diarrhoea. With baby bellies being so sensitive, even a small increase in the amount of fructose will give this result.
Just in case certain people still believe that someone with perfect grammar and masterful use of the English language (+ impeccable taste, of course) is stupid enough to give a 2 week old baby juice.


(just to extend this massive list of comments even further)
Tiny amounts of the flavour components of foods can end up in the milk, just not to the same strength and mixture that you would find in the food that you eat. However, this is enough to give a tiny, tiny change to the flavour of the milk for different feeds. As a result of this, baby will start to refine the "blank palette" that is their palate from an early age - baby will then be more receptive to different foods when you start to introduce solids. The result? Little Noah may already be on his way to becoming a Junior DC Foodie...


I know this one is late, but I thought you might appreciate it. I have a passion for wings. Hot, spicy, greasy wings. When mine was a wee little breastfeeder, I enjoyed the world's most wonderful wing feast. The result was a child with such toxic "output" as to burn an open wound on her bum. It was small. She never knew. I felt aweful.


*drool* Indian Curry. Desperately miss DC. *drool*

The baby is gorgeous. Want to see more pictures, please please please?


Nothing works better for any type of rash than breastmilk. My 6 month old had eczema, diaper rashes, and this other funky rash on his neck (from drool getting trapped in there) and i put a little expressed milk on it (which carries anti-bodies) and it cleared everything up. Sounds a little weird but you've got to try it.

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