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Two Weeks

Crap Casserole


So yesterday the fine folks at decided to link to the Company Cookbook album. Five bazillion people came stampeding over and I'm sitting around with my nursing bra down yakking about purple nipples.

(Also, let's not overlook the obvious fact that yes, both James Lileks and Candyboots did disgusting recipe commentary first, and also better, and I am the first to throw up my hands and admit this. So you can all stop pointing that out now.)

(Also also, the cookbook's back cover had a wee copyright symbol on it, so yikes, I really hope I don't get sued now that it's gone all Internet phenomenon. If it makes Mystery Company feel better, I do plan to make that one banana bread recipe.)

(Also also also, DAVE BARRY! HI! You are funny and when I was in Miami last summer I kept repeatedly pointing out the Tribune's offices to Jason until he made me stop because I am a huge dork.)

So I'm trying to think of something witty and brilliant to talk about. Something BESIDES the state of my boobs and my son's butt and my purse dog's busted leg and how many times I have been peed on by my son (and the purse dog) in the last 10 days or so.

But I can't, and I'm also typing this with one hand because, yeah, my entire life revolves around sustaining a 10 pound linebacker infant using only the mighty power of my boobs.

(I did take the baby to Georgetown yesterday for his first-ever visit to Sephora. He excitedly crapped his pants in the fragrance section, and I spent a shocking amount of money on a lotion for stretch marks, only to get home and read the fine print on the side of the box: Not for use by pregnant or nursing mothers.)

(*shakes fist*)


Heather B.

Dude, you're so famous.

And what are you talking about? I always excitedly crap in my pants in sephora! It's freaking sephora man. Imagaine what Noah does the first time you take him to Lush.


Oh, we went to Lush right afterwards. He seemed underwhelmed, even when I showed him the free shampoo bar they gave me.

Such a boy, this one.


Hmmm...even though I am not pregnant nor a nursing mother, I'm not sure I'd want to use something that said I couldn't if I was.

So when are you taking Noah to Ikea?


okay, a lotion for stretch marks that you can't use when pregnant or breast feeding. Then who in the heck is the lotion for? I mean, it's us pregnant women that *need* the lotion.



Ooohh! What else did you buy!!?? I must get to a Sephora soon. Withdrawl symptoms are nasty. Let us know how the banana bread turns out ;)


feh. stretchmarks. not much to be done about them anyway.

hope the thrush is improving, though. :)


A lotion for stretch marks that nursing mothers can't use? That is some punk ass shit.


Strivectin, baby!!


Wow this is the first time I haven't been like 400 comments down. Congrats on all the recognition you so so deserve. I had sent that cookbook link to all my friends right after you posted it and everyone loved it. Being a chef I appreciate food humor quite a bit. Having a two month old I know how bizarre it is when you realize that you are sustaining an entire life with your boobs, which previously didn't really do much but look pretty. But it's also a great excuse to eat lots of ice cream cause calcium is good for the baby! And I got peed on by my son a lot in the beginning but it's been like a whole month now with no peeing incidents. I hope your recovery is going well and you are on the way to just being able to enjoy being a mom.


green_canary: It IS StriVectin. Bitches, taunting me with that 93% success rate shit.


I like how the crap came in the fragrancec section.

Hey, Sephora! New scent: Eu de Noah Poop.


I am too intimidated to go into an actual Sephora, for I am a Nobody and must shop online. Besides, online, money is not really's more like...points. Hey! Nobody cares if you spend 23 POINTS on a foundation brush! Which I did, because you told me to.

But hey! Yay for you with the fame! Next comes the fortune, I'm just sure of it.


omg, hi, Dave Barry! I have a Dave 4 Prez bumper sticker you signed from eons ago!


How is little Ceiba?


Underwhelmed by Sephora!!!! How is that possible? Congrats on being linked by Dave Barry... You are going to become even more famous than you already are. All of your readers will reminiss about "the good old days..." Keep the stories coming about you, Noah, and the state of thrush. Something new for me to worry about. And they keep saying I have nothing to worry about... LIARS!!!


P.S. I lost my Sephora virginity the other day (that is, I went there for the first time. Nothing scandalous.), and I was just overwhelmed by it all. How do you do it??


Nah. He crapped in the fragrance section because he IS a boy, and therefore easily amused by the grossest smells he can come up with.


I used to work at that Sephora and you can return stuff very easily there, even if it's been opened. Just take it back with the receipt and trade it for something fun like Frederic Fekkai conditioner or Fresh soap! As far as your stretch marks go, sorry about that, but creams don't work anyway. Unfortunately only exercising those areas is the best long term answer (I have no babies but I do have permanent stretch marks from years of running, gaining weights and losing weight, etc). Just take your time on that one and think of the marks as a roadmap of your experience. At least that's what I keep telling my womanly self.


PS-- If you need some Sephora guidance, I could write a Kitchen Confidential-esque book about my Sephora experiences. No shit. Some things are great there, and others might, well, cause hepatitis.


So glad to hear you were out and about! Didn't it feel GREAT, despite unfortunate poop timing?? It felt so good the first time I went out shopping with my babe, like I was returning to earth after visiting Planet Childbirth.


Bah! Nothing works on stretch marks anyway, save your money! A nurse once told me "After a year they fade into silver lines and they are less noticable." Thanks but No Thanks! The only silver I want to be wearing is BLING!


Damn, Amalah, you rock with the linkage and all. Who knows, maybe Dave's readers need their quota of the purple nipple, baby poops at Sephora, broke-leg dog stories. Maybe?


Sounds like a dream day for me - Sephora and Lush! Hope you both had a great time out and about.


For stretch marks, scars, etc I use lotion made with emu oil. My surgeon recommended it 2 surgeries ago, and I can happily say my scars are almost gone, the stretch marks are barely visible, and it helps keep my tan longer!

Good luck!


Okay, how is it that you can manage to get to Sephora with a baby in tow and I feel accomplished just if I get dressed in the morning? Damn.


Props to Amalah! Checked the Dave Berry site- what a complement! I had to throw in my two cents about how fantabulous you are.
Good luck on the strech mark thing ;) If you find something that works please let us know!


I used Palmer's Cocoa Butter Formula Massage Cream to reduce my stretch marks. It works great..and bonus, it's cheap!


Congrats on the Dave Barry mention!

Pretty soon you'll have mastered the skill of doing everything with one hand as you hold Noah with the other. This skill does include the ability of holding the baby down with one arm securing the "spare" diaper over Noahs unit to avoid the fountain of pee, deftly wiping whatever there is to wipe, balancing binky between teeth, lifting little bum off the ground, swiftly securing new diaper under squirm monster, and relocating said ball of squirming arms and legs back to your chest all in 30 seconds or less.


Amalah, no matter how much you might protest, you cannot help but *rock*!

Uh, desi? That doesn't sound so good for the emus...


p.s. i forgot to say that stretchmarks WILL fade. they will not always be the purplish nightmare they are right now. not that that's much of a consolation, but it's SOME thing


My sister just bought that cream the use in between her eyes. I want it, but I'm going to study her progress before I actually spend the money.


Dave Barry is totally funny.

You, also are totally fuuny.

That company cookbook was the funniest shit I have read, I think ever. I made my husband read it. He is a fine judge of funny, and thought it was a riot. I also made my friend Maria almost pee her pants. All around a good experience!

That's hilarious that Noah pooped himself in the fragrance section. At least you could change him. Last Christmas, my husband and the boy and I hit the road to my parent's house for a Christmas party, only to have said boy lay a golden egg as soon as we hit the highway and got stuck in traffic for an hour. He didn't care, but we had to drive with the windows down and our heads sticking out!

Wait until he is a bit older and he starts going all red in the face when he has a poop - it is too funny!


I'm with Pam. I remember my first time-out. I was childless, though, and made a nice walk around the park in the town. I wanted to cover larger distances than commuting between room #1 and 2, rooms and bathrooms, rooms and kitchen, etc. etc.
Despite the cold January winds, I loved, loved, loved being outside, but, around half of the distance my boobs reminded me about who I am - a nursing mother. A proud mother of a newborn.

Wacky Mommy

"Not for use by pregnant or nursing mothers..." WTF? Bastards!

My husband made a nice skin cream for me (I used it throughout pregnancy and after) of 1 part cocoa butter and 2 parts coconut oil, and a small vial of Vit. E oil. I kept it in a peanut butter jar and it smelled yummy. I don't know if it decreased the stretch marks and c-section scarring, but it made me not so itchy.


I hope this doesn't sound like assvice, but here is my two cents about reducing stretch markes. My husband works in the medical industry and there is a product you can buy at an drug store called scar therapy. I think a couple of different manufacturers make it, but I know Curad has a version. It's a thin film that you put on your skin. I have used it and it worked for me.


How do you get oil out of an emu?

I must ponder this as I surf my way to Dave Barry's site...


TB- you mean Mederma?

I've used it on scars...seemed to clog my pores more than anything.


Amalah - What those Strivectin punks don't tell you is that you have to apply that stuff practically every ten minutes for 6 to 8 weeks before you see results. Damn the man!


I just discovered your site today after someone sent me the cookbook link (too, too funny--my cube neighbors are prolly wondering why I've been giggling).

Anyhoo, liked the cookbook so much I decided I had to read your other stuff, too, which was great 'cause I could completely relate--I recently went through the childbirth thing myself (son Dylan is 5 1/2 months old). You are hilarious--keep it up!! :-)


I have heard very, very good things about Strivectin. I know everyone says it doesn't work, but the peopple I know who have used it have been nothing but pleased.


laughing to hard from the cookbook to process noah and poop and sephora.
the sad thing is i think my mom made me eat half of those dishes when i was a small girl child.
did a SOUTHERN company happen to print this book?
geeze i'm soo getting fired for going into convulsions at my desk because i mean really-state government-NOT THAT FUNNY


HOW TO GET YOUR CO-WORKERS TO THINK YOU ARE INSANE:Read Amalah's cookbook critique (which even though you read her daily you missed!)
when you are suppose to be correcting papers or saving the souls of corrupt children. Then have a co-worker walk in to see you laughing so hysterically you have tears rolling down your red, crinkled face...and all you are looking at are eggs and cheese on the screen. Thank you AMLALAH!


Hey there... I came back today to request the recipe for those spinach balls, only to find that Dave Barry's site linked to you. Wow! I knew you were funny. :) Anyway, I've been trying to find a recipe for spinach balls like the ones you posted... you know, for Halloween, because mmm, mold... and can't find any. Any chance you could hook a girl up? If they have nasty ingredients, so much the better. I bet there's cream cheese in them. Is there?


Whew....the cookbook comments are too funny. The stuff that had sausage & mustard & whatever else looks like a pile of cow poop!

Anyway, I'm glad you're able to find time to keep all of us entertained too. I remember my first trip out with the was definitely an experience.

You're doing great though. It gets even better as they get a bit older.


Dave Barry should run for GOD. I have four books he signed for me, which will be among the things I save when my split-level goes up in flames.
Marylou Whitney uses Vagisil to keep her complexion dewy. (Hee--I said "dewy!"). A friend says it works on stretch marks, too.
HOW IS YOUR MOM? Update, please...


Found this one on allrecipes. You could probably make it into smaller balls & leave out the walnuts for that hideous green color to show through. Gross!

Spinach Ball:


* 1 (10 ounce) package frozen chopped spinach, thawed and squeezed dry
* 2 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
* 1 (4 ounce) can water chestnuts, drained and chopped
* 1 (.4 ounce) packet dry vegetable soup mix
* 2 tablespoons mayonnaise
* 1 cup finely shredded Cheddar cheese
* 1/2 cup chopped walnuts


1. In a large bowl, mix together the spinach, cream cheese, water chestnuts, vegetable soup mix, mayonnaise and Cheddar cheese until well blended. Form into a ball, and roll in chopped walnuts. If the mixture is too soft to form a ball, refrigerate for about 30 minutes to set. Wrap the cheese ball in plastic wrap, and refrigerate overnight to blend the flavors before serving with your favorite crackers.


I know you are going to think i am out of my mind- but someone once told me to use hemmroid cream for stretchmarks and wrinkles. (I dont have the wrinkles yet though)

Anyway- Stretchmarks will never totally dissapear but the fastest way i found to even be able to look at myself in the mirror again was using Prep H. Funny- I know. I'm dying as i type this.....

Again, though, if you think about it, Prep H is used to "shrink" so i can see how it worked.
It worked for me though, and my friends whom i passed the info along too.

Just my cheap-o side advice........


Okay, I don't think they should even be *allowed* to make stretch mark cream that pregnant and nursing women can't use. That's just *cruel*.


Everything has a warning about not being used while pregnant or nursing; it's to cover the manufacturer's behind. I had a mad intestinal virus whilst pregnant with #1 son and on vacation. DH and my dad went to the durg store in search of some medicine to stop the upset tummy symptoms, and were quite stymied by all the warnings. Ask your doc and you can probably get clearance to use it.

My 2.5 year old son is also totally unimpressed with Sephora. I make take his stroller there anyway when I need more BE anyway.


Ahem. Gratuitous Noah pics, please.


Brian B

Hey there. First time ever coming across your site. Actually, I got here through the Dave Barry page. I read through your birth story and it sounded eerily familiar to what my wife and I went through a little over ten months ago. She also ended up going into the hospital around 7:00 pm on a Friday and went natural through 9 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing. At that point, the Midwife decided that it may be time to consult a dr., who decided that a C-section was next. So, about an hour and a half later, we had our little one.

No big birth story, but my blog with pics is in the URL.


augh, I mean I take him in the stroller and make him go with me (I hate when I get sidetracked by a work question while in the middle of typing a comment! Note to self: remember to use Preview button.)


Obviously I'm a very sad person b/c I have no clue who Dave Barry is but it sounds like everyone else does AND they love him. So, it's a good thing he linked you!??? I hope it brings you many new readers. Everyone deserves a good laugh and we get that every time you post. Stretch marks...mean and ugly. I'm sorry but I so don't need "them!" to remind me of my pregnancy experience. I have a child for that. I don't think anything makes them go away or else we would all know about it by now. Whoever finally finds the "miracel cream" will be a damn millionaire! Can you tell how "proudly" I wear mine? Bluh! But, I wish you luck.


As long as we don't hear anything else about your mucous plug, you can talk about your purple nipples all you want!


"miracle cream"-sorry

Just Some Guy

Well, Lileks's book is fantastic, but your food commentary is just as good. I came through Dave Barry's link, and I was amazed and have set aside time to peruse the rest of your site.

Great work!


What is in that lotion that is bad for pregnant women or nursing mothers? Even if I wasn't, I don't think I'd want to use it. That's just wrong.


I miss Dave Barry! Here in Albany where the Woodchucks live there is no Washington Post which means no Dave Barry on Sundays.

the kim half of glamorouse

Wow - witty, famous and able to talk freely about nipple thrush. This is called (in case it had passed you by) 'you've so made it'.

I needed this pre-kids-at-school morning fix (it's Friday, so they get TV in the morning) as to celebrate me officially being home (since Tuesday, when my maternity leave officially began) one of my children has wet the bed every.single.night. Like his bladder is celebrating my presence and ability to wash sheets during the day.


I too found my way here thanks to linkage from Dave. Your cookbook review had hubby snorting his beer on the computer,which is always amusing,if somewhat alarming. For the nice lady who misses Dave,just go to and be prepared to laugh,cringe,gasp and snort your way through the blog. Oh,and my apologies if I didn't link that correctly. May a million mosquitoes have their dirty little way with me if I did it wrong.


goddamn, how can you be ok with spending $135 on something that a $0.99 cocoa butter stick probably does?


Um, because I used cocoa butter since my positive pregnancy test and it didn't do shit? And because it's my money?


Paulo loves you.


Real Girl

Baby's first Sephora!!! Tell Noah not to pee on the beauty products please. There must be limits.

Please share, once you're able to use it, if the 'Vectin actually works. I'm tres curious yet unwilling to shell out the loot to sample it for my site becuz 1) Lots of loot and 2) I don't really have stretch marks (having never had a baby or undergone gastric bypass, etc.) 3) I no doubt WILL have stretch marks one day, especially now that I've said I don't have them. And if it works, clearly I'll have to shell out the dough.

So thanks for the report which I await without baited breath because, hello, the nursing will last a while.


Hey there; another Dave Barry bloglit reporting in (waves "hello" to BrianB). Loved the cookbook commentary and your other writings. I e-mailed the cookbook link to my daughter, whose response was "Uh, Mom...some of these look familiar."

OK, so guilty on ONE of the breakfast things, and the blah blah cheese broccoli cheese blah blah.

Oh then there's that first ivy placemat. I AM missing one!


Where are the obligatory Noah photos? I thought it was illegal to post an entry without them now.

And I'm jealous of your trip to Sephora, since I haven't been in months and months due to lack of funds. I now frequent Ulta as a temporary replacement until I can afford Sephora again. So now I'm jealous of you for 2 things: that you have a sweet precious little baby boy AND you go to Sephora on a regular basis. :)


The cookbook commentary is awesome. And if mystery company even *thinks* about retaliation over the teeny-tiny copyright, I hope they stop and realize that they should be raising their plastic cups in a toast of gratitude to you for providing such widespread publicity. Because I would buy that sucker.

And I have Sephora-envy. Our nearest store is 100 miles away. Thank God for the Internet.


My strech marks did not disappear :(( Mind me, I did not used anything :))))) - except one something very organic looking product, but, well, I did not used it regularly.
Well, my skin is my history.

Re:being peed by son.
I have no such experience, but once my dear first-born Ben peed himself into his own ears.
Not that's a trick to do! Me and my dh laughed at him, but only in secret, so as not to reveal that we kind of make fun of him. But Ben did seemed to enjoy it. At least, he did not cry.

Suzy Q

Hey, Amalah! I am one of those Dave Barry bloggers whose come over to your side. Not that I've left Dave behind, oh no. but you cookbook commentary was just hilarious! And I am starting to read you blog, too. I'm just up to January 2004 now.

And, BTW, it's the Miami Herald, not Tribune. :)


I had to go check out some Sephora online to see what all the fuss is about b/c we don't be havin' one of them there fancy stores in my neck of the woods. Anyway, question, the fragrances in the Breast Cancer "scent package"? How are they? The only one I think I have ever smelled is CK's Eternity (and I'm not a fan of that). Macy's did the same thing here only they sold out the SAME day they went on sale and I missed out. They had different samples, ones that I knew I liked. Even if one of the fragrances in the Sephora one smells good, it's worth the buy for proceeds to go to research. Amalah!!???


I am de-lurking to say I love your site and, of course, congratulations on your beautiful son (which I should have said, like, days ago but the 300 or so other folks intimidated me!) :-)

RE: the Cream-I hope that when you are able to use it you will post a review of its awesomeness/lameness. As I would like to address my own stretch mark issue of a non maternal variety (type = fat) and I think I would be willing to spend such a "shocking sum" for a good product.

PS-you rock my world and have greatly limited my productivity at work ;-)


I have always heard that most products can only reduce the appearance of stretch marks, but never get rid of them. Sorry :(

I only know of one product which, when applied throughout the pregnancy, has prevented ANY stretch marks from appearing in 2 women in my family. I'll have to give them a call and find out the name of it, but I know it was ordered from France.

Also, drinking lots & lots of water and getting regular exercise /streching helps the skin to be more pliable...which means less likely to get stretch marks.

Sorry Amalah, this info isn't too helpful for you but maybe will help your readers.


Maimi Herald...not Tribune..GOD. The baby has eaten my brain.




Good lord in heaven.


Don't worry about the brain problems, they subside as well as the frequency of the boy-child peeing on his momma will.

I salute you for having the energy and wit to actually entertain moms and shoppers alike. I feel like I've relived my post-birth days and they are much funnier upon reflection! Everything was so darned hard as I recall. You are soooo far ahead of it -- be proud of yourself.

BTW... No one ever says breastfeeding hurts, they only go on and on about its benefits. Maybe they are afraid no one will ever do it if they tell the truth about how it hurts?

Carry on -- you're a champ!


Dave Barry! LOVE Dave Barry! Congratulations!!!


My "baby" turns 21 tomorrow; and stretch marks do fade with time. Eyesight also fades.



Re: stretch marks - Go the drug store and buy a big bottle of Vitamin E gelcaps. Then cut it open, squeeze it out and rub it on your belly. Its pure Vitamin E, and it helps, a little. Plus, if you are fair-skinned, like me, eventually your stretch marks will turn white instead of purple, and not be very noticeable anyway.

Yay Dave Barry attention!


wow. that cookbook commentary is fuuuunny. you crack me up, lady. good luck on the stretch marks! I used the Vit E oil (mentioned above) on my surgery scars. It helped a lot!


As Jenny mentioned, we fair skinned dames have it lucky when it comes to stretch marks... they hide quite convincingly in the paleness.

Not so with a tan... you'll think they're gone, then one day, you'll stretch over to grab a towel on the beach and look down, and lo and behold, they will have resurfaced as glaringly obvious white bolts of lightning arcing across your tanned tummy!

Pale chicks rule.

Suzy Q

Ugh! Just re-read my earlier comment. I really am not illiterate ("you blog", "you commentary"). I think the post fairies ate my r's. Two of them!!

BTW, I'm up to April 2004 in youR archives. I haven't done a thing at work today!


Cracking up at "Five bazillion people came stampeding over and I'm sitting around with my nursing bra down yakking about purple nipples."

Serious tears, and gasping for air, kind of cracking up!

Oh - and I'm patiently waiting for Part II of the Birth Story.


Noah is adorable.

I was a little worried about the OJ makes his stomach mad comment. Newborns shouldn't have anything other than breast milk or formula. It provides all the fluids he needs. He shouldn't be having any juice at all until about 6 months and even then, it should be rationed.


Um, I meant his stomach gets upset when I drink orange juice and nurse him.

Sorry, thought that one was obvious.


BEST BABY "BOTTOM" CREAM created--> Calmoseptine Ointment.

My oldest daughter had HORRID diaper rashes (none of the above on your list worked for her either)which I thought was a indication of my ability to parent such a fragile beautiful being. My ped suggested this and it was wonderful. I can now proudly say my youngest daughter- in 19 months has not had a single diaper rash with this product. Corn Starch in warm water also helps at least to stop the redness for them, then apply the miracle cream. Good Luck


Thanks for the laughs. You actually had emails from people telling you NOT to feed the the baby orange juice!?! side is hurting. You're doing fine.

Now, your mother is coming?? That might be another story.

Good luck

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