A Quick Exception to the No "Dear Baby" Letter Rule
A Post That Does Not Contain the Words D-I-A-P-E-R or R-A-S-H


My mom would like everybody to know that I am an awesome mom and very calm, in control and totally not fucking up at all. Except for my tendency to let the baby go sockless. But that's why she's here -- to protect my son's toes from my negligence.


Also to walk and cuddle my poor busted-up dog, help with laundry, make coffee and take out the trash. And this morning she changed the cat's litter box and I did not protest at all. Because it really smelled bad.

Yes, this is the same mother who just had a mastectomy and kicked breast cancer's ass just two months ago. I have a wee incision on my belly and am all, "Waaaaaahhhhh, bring me cookies."

I wrote two sentences of the Birth Story, Part Two and then fell asleep, because the child has hit some kind of growth spurt and is eating every five minutes and gets hysterical if he isn't eating the instant he wants to eat and will even get hysterical WHILE HE IS EATING because he'll pause to like, breathe and then freak out because WHY ISN'T HE EATING? ARE YOU TRYING TO TAKE MY FOOD AWAY? AAAAAHHHHHHEEEEIIIIIIII EEEEEEAAAATTTTT.

The rash is not really getting any better. I'm sure this is all the Internet's fault, because you just didn't send me any good suggestions.

(GAH! KIDDING! PLEASE STOP SENDING SUGGESTIONS. Trust me, I've heard them ALL many many times now, from corn starch to Aquaphor to yogurt to to breastmilk to sitz baths to Lotrimin to voodoo rituals.)

(We're trying several new tactics that y'all recommended, however, so I am grateful. I'm just ready to Move On And Not Talk About The Diaper Rash Anymore.)

I'm also ready to take a shower now, because the child seems to be okay with not eating this very second so I may have a three-minute window. Wish me luck.

(Oh, and out of 400 frillion comments, I got exactly one that sort-of bemoaned the fact that everything I write now is about Noah and probably will be for the next 20 years. And it bummed me out because I really hope not, but to be fair, two weeks postpartum is a little early to be all, "Dude, Amalah's gone all mommy blog now and it sucks." I mean, the site does suck now, what with these random entries with 17 sets of parentheses in them, but be patient. I'm planning to leave the house today! I'm going to the post office! It's going to be awesome!)



It's a blog about your life, and Noah is your life, so blog on!


You're doing fine, I still forget to put socks on my baby

as for diaper rash, 'Butt Paste' is all we use, and we haven't had a diaper rash in his entire life..but I don't know if it will work for you.

Look it up though?

and yay for mommy's!!


Geez, I can't believe someone wrote that. I mean hello?? Baby??? Best thing in the world??? Ignore them.


Relax! I have no rash suggestions as I know nothing about newborns.

Just wanted to say your mom is awesome. I'm glad she's doing so well!


i totally understand the being hysterical while eating thing. my baby is two weeks older than noah and he's going through that also.

have fun at the post office. getting out of the house, even to do mundane things, is soooooo great.


Oh for Pete's Sake. You just go right ahead and talk about Noah all you want. There's plenty of time for work blogs and idiots on the subway blogs and shopping blogs. You've waited a long time for Noah and now's the time to share every detail.

(I am a little glad we aren't getting so many nipple stories tho...)

Yay for Grandmamalah!! She looks AWESOME and a complete natural with the babester. I hope she has totally kicked cancer's ass...she needs to be around for many years to give Noah cuddles and loves and Grandmamalah spoiling. (And for you too Amalah..)

Enjoy your visit!!! Let her do a little pampering!! Enjoy the Post Office! Look at all the pretty stamps!!!


Oh, and my solution to no rashes? Cloth diapers. Ever since I switched, Abby does not get nearly the amount of rashes she used to get from sposies. Their privates just need to breathe! And they can't do that in paper & plastic.


Wow, I made it into the first 25 comments!

Tonya said it - you blog about your life, Noah is your life right now...blog on.

And that picture is precious. She must have held you the same way...isn't that sweet?


1. Is your mum (or "mom" - you'll have to forgive my use of the Australian version of English - trust me, they are very different languages) tiny, or has bub doubled in size?
2. How does a tiny little "purse dog" with a massive cast on her leg go for a walk? I am have visions of some kind of stilt-walking-type limp, or humans walking with small dog in arms...
(Further on the Australian English thing: here, a 'purse' refers to the small receptacle that holds your money, credit cards etc, whereas a bag is the much larger receptacle for every other item including the purse. Hence, a "purse dog" is a somewhat bizarre concept (as are lbs and oz))
3. I doubt that you will lose any of your loyal minions by posting frequently about noah - unfortunately, the ass-vice (or "arse-vice" in Australian) is probably likely to grow :(


You know, I was just thinking to myself how much your blog has changed. But you know, I don't mind it. You've wanted Noah for so long and he's so incredibly important to you. I personally look forward to hearing stories about Noah growing up, mingled in with rants and raves and utterly comical commentary on life.

RockStar Mommy

DAMN YOU! You're not supposed to get to the post office before me!

*darts out the door in pajamas*

Heather B.

Loooove me some Noah pictures. Glad your mom is doing better.

I'm more concerned with the whole wearing Matte lipstick thing, than I am with you writing about Noah all the time. I mean really matte lipstick?

suzanna danna

Gramalah! Word Up to your Mommy! She looks awesome sitting there holding Noah... he is so big and dayum, wow... you have like the bionic boobs of power girl. Sustaining the huge beautiful baby and... wow, I think I need a nap just from reading about it.


Post Office?? Go on with your bad self, Amy. Enjoy your mom, when mine came after the baby she only drove me insane. I'm sure your mom would never do that, so can I borrow her when you are done?


Tell those complaining beyotches to suck it. We love hearing about purple nipples and diaper rash. Seriously.


Ignore the person who made the mean comment! Talk about Noah and being a mommy all you want. Your life has changed (but you're still just as funny) so of course you are going to write about different things... Keep the stories coming - I need all the advice I can get (only 5 more weeks)


I have been "lurking" for a while now in your archives, and I finally caught up with everything. Can I just say, your blog? Awesome. I loooooove it. Oh my gosh, and when I got to where you were actually pregnant, and had been trying so hard, I very nearly cried. I really did. It was so bad that I had to go home and tell my boyfriend that you were pregnant, even though he doesn't even know you at all and I only know you from your blog. But I was just extremely happy for you, and still am. You have a gorgeous little boy! Keep on writing about whatever the heck you want, and I will be reading.


Aww, your Mom is visiting..their so cute together. Just think about what a great job your parents did with raising you, and how that's going to help you do just as good a job with Noah. Trust me all the diaper rashes and throw ups and negative comments will seem like nothing when you focus on the great stuff...family (yes I know..corny) Enjoy everything about this time, because it goes by way too quick!

Lisa L.

Who made the rule on matte lipsticks? Because Sephora had gobs of gloss on Friday at Pentagon City, you know. Maybe I need to catch up on my W issues and get to the bottom of this.

And what do you think of that powder foundation? I tried it and it was strange, but I think I put on too much. (You know, the one from Bare Escentuals or something like that)

Lisa L.

Whoops, I forgot to say that your mom and Noah are just too cute together. What a great photo.


I know I, for one, am not getting sick of hearing about Noah. I have baby fever pretty bad lately and this is placating that so that my husband does not go crazy over me trying to talk him into having one now.


I would be more concerned if your blog entries DIDN'T mention Noah! I mean, he's part of your life, and wouldn't you talk about him like you would Jason, or your parents, or Ceiba, or holiday shopping, or driving in DC?

And it's not like your blog was started with a narrow focus, such as "I <3 work" or something like that - it's a record of your life.


I get the same way when my boob is taken away. Some of us never really get over that stage, ya know?

And the post office? Woot! You wild thang you. Next you'll be going to the park or something.


That email was obviously from someone who doesn't have children and doesn't understand having to chronical their ever breath.

I get it :)


This site does NOT suck now. I love it. So you can tell whoever said that to just shut up!


Just think of the horror on Noah's face when he's a teenager and not only do you have photos of him naked as a baby but almost 200 comments from women concerned with the health of his butt!!


Umm...what do these whiners expect?? You just had the most adorable baby in the history of the world, and the internets is dying to know all about it...Why would we want entries about hair products when there is Noah to be discussed??


blog = writing about your life
noah = qualifies
hair products = can wait


love us some noah -what a cutie pie. almost as cute as my own eamon.... hee hee. Get thee to the post office, it is most awesome. actually to get anywhere with a newborn is awesome. wait until you figure out to grocery shop with a baby bjorn! rockin' good times.


Uh, last time I checked we're not paying you to entertain us. Your blog, we want to hear about your life. People who don't appreciate that can just read other blogs.

Besides, if you were still writing about hair products, people would be all, "we want to hear about Noah!" Can't please everyone. I think you should be proud of the fact that the vaaaast majority of us are still thrilled every time you post.


I was thinking about your mom all weekend Amy, surrounded as I was by 4200 (!!!) other people all crazy enough (and dedicated enough) to do the 3-Day. You'll be happy to hear that the San Diego 3-Day raised $10.7 MILLION for breast cancer research. I'm so glad to hear that she's doing well!! (And yes, I'm doing the walk again next year...but this time in Phoenix!)

Sarah King

I just have to (thirty-) second all the comments above. I don't think that Noah is going to be all you write about for the rest of your life - there will be more children, maybe? - and one day you will be dying to write about shoes again, but for now he is the single biggest and more amazing thing in your life, and basically 99% of your readers just want to hear about how he spit up this morning.

More baby pictures please!

P.S. Your Mum is amazing as well. You're lucky to have her with you, and tell her the internet is glad she'e there to protect Noah's feet from the cold. Is it as cold there as it is in Barcelona right now?


wait a second!! it does not suck around here!!

Lisa V

I love reading your take on motherhood. If people don't like it there is plenty of other stuff to read. Just google "porn" and keep yourselves entertained you damn whiner.


I don't think you're blog has changed at all--there was never a theme implied, just you wanting to share parts of your life with us. You write with the same grace and wit that you've covered vacation packing, medication, and credit-card theft. Go on with your bad self.


And now I feel like an idiot for writing "you're" instead of "your." Way to ruin a deep comment.


I. Love. Your. Site! I don't care what you blog about as long as it's something. I will say, I love the mother blogs! Please remember, just ONE reader made that comment (and I was so wondering how long it was going to be before you commented on her comment). The rest of us....love you! But, you know that.


I just discovered your blog - love it!! It brings back so many of the feelings that I had when I had my first boy 4 yrs 4 months ago. Especially the comment about your husband seeing you hooked up to the breast pump...hopefully when he saw you he did not greet you with an exaggerated "mooooooooooooooooooooooo" like mine did. Enjoy that precious little boy (the 3rd cutest baby ever - the first two are mine).

Real Girl

He's getting bigger by the minute! He must really love that Mommy's boobies are no longer purple.

Although he should know that this fall, purple's totally the rage in men's fashion.


Yay for the Gramalah, kicking cancer's ass like that! Woooo!


So glad that your mom is doing well. I know that takes a load off of your mind. As for "mommy blogging", I read your site (and I'm sure most people do) because you are funny and sharp and I like your writing, no matter what you write about. Besides, it is lovely to see how having a baby causes someone to change and grow.


Lord Almighty, I can't believe people are *still* making diaper rash suggestions! Hello, she said she's ready to move on...


ew- not the post office - you deserve so much better. Go to sephora, or Starbucks, or hell, even Target instead. Avoid the post offce - AVOID - but then again, they might make you feel pretty freaking good about yourself once you're done - at least my PO has that effect...

good luck


Your Mom looks so happy to be cuddling that baby. Lots of love to you all!

Big Gay Sam

First of all, you already are awesome. I'm just sorry I found you so late in the game. I don't care what you write about (actually I'm partial to Noah entries) because the same humor and writing style is there. The only thing that has changed is the subject matter. :P


I saw that comment but you just let it roll off your magnificent shoulders. Funny how having a baby changes your life and your perspective and makes your blog change focus!!! Hello, anyway. You write as long and as much about whatever you want and the brilliant of us will lap it up appreciatively! Also glad your mom is doing so well!


To me- AGAIN, TO ME:
Blogs are like friendships, your my friend and you tell me about your life and things that are happening, yadda-yadda, every day (week, whatever) and if there is a time in our little "friendship" that your life has moved on and nothing in our "friendship" interest me, then i will simply search for "new friends/blogs" that DO interest me.

(I personally, love all the talk of Noah. He is just a handsome little boy, and as he grows, your humor will also. Lawdy, the stories parents can tell about their children! I look forward to them!)

I really feel it is that simple.
Again- this is the thought of one person, no need to come at me with weapons of any kind.


oopppss, forgot the moral-

People who are bitchen can just move on to something that does interest them.

Busy Mom

I'm so glad to hear your mom is doing well and blog on about Noah, I can't wait to hear more!


Aw, I am glad your Mommy is there to take care of you (and baby Noah). I bet your heart feels good just having her around.

And I love hearing all about Noah. I mean, we all waiting a long time for this. I think it's very gracious of you and Jason to share him with us.

But, I do miss the Advice Smackdown. Sorry...but I do. ;-)


I love that there are regular comments from boys now. I think they add good things, particularly when they comment about boobs (don't take them away, evereverever) and mucus plugs (how do girls DO this?).

Also, the hugeness of Noah, who will be doing all of Mama's heavy lifting and reaching for tall things by the time he's 12, is awesome. Not to be pushy, but, um, if you get a chance, we'd love to hear how much he weighs now. Then we can ooh and ah and mope about how quickly they grow up. ;-)


People told me the same thing when my kiddo was born. "OMG! You're so boring! Mommyblogger!" *points, shakes head*

But come on. Freshborn babies consume nearly every brain cell you have at this stage. The hormones. The moods. Those of us who've been there say DAMN, GIRL. Don't listen to us readers, just do your thang.

Miss Ann Thrope

Firstly, I love reading about your gorgeous baby...I get to live vicariously through you since I don't get to have gorgeous babies of my own.

Secondly, you may have to take him to the pediatrician for that big guns yeastie bum medicine.

Sorry, I lost my mind and made a suggestion. I'll flog myself later...right now I'm gonna lay down and die ~coughhackwheeze~

OOOOO I hope I didn't spread my germs by commenting here!


i have to suggest something for the diaper rash. i'm sorry. but really, i feel compelled. experience comples people. isn't it awful?

air. take the child's diaper off, let him lay on a diaper change pad thingy on the floor with the butt to the wind. he doesn't move around loads so he'll keep all wetting to the general padded area. THEN get some zinc oxide and mix it with petroleum jelly and apply that. my son was in the hospital at two weeks of age for non butt related problems and got the worst diaper rash i've ever seen and this is what the nurses did for him. cleared it up right away. but i honestly think it's the air that is the most important bit so whatever else you're doing, expose his bottom to the elements :)

so nice your mom could be there. mine passed away years before i had my kids and i cannot tell you how hard it was to be without her when my babies were little.


I totally love the Noah talk, the whingey people need to remove the stick from their butt and be happy that YOU are happy. Thats why we read this blog right? Cos Amy's life and excess of snark is interesting and hilarious and, sometimes, maybe, makes us feel like we're totally boring and that we just need to get out there and treat ourselves to tiny dogs, good hair products and expensive handbags...just cos we're us. And goddammit we ROCK.

Or maybe that's just me? Anyhoo...keep on keeping on Amy! And tell your mum to stay fabulous.


I love all the baby posts and never get tired of them! They are your life now and keep them coming! If people don't like it, then don't have to read! Noah is too dang cute not to talk about all the time!


If you weren't writing about your GORGEOUS son two weeks after his birth, I would wonder if you were okay. Keep up the great posts, we love them!


yay for moms noah's so cute mean lady and her stupid comment blah blah blah. now that's out of the way i can focus on-NO LIP GLOSS. are you sure? i'm really concerned about this.
will find out who made this rule and stab their eye out with my lip gloss wand.


You blog about whatever you want. As a mom myself, I totally understand how much this new person consumes your life. He always will, after all, he's your child! Anyone who whines about all the baby talk is just crazy.

Going to the post office? Great for you!! I remember my first trip out without anyone at all. Talk about weird.....you spend a long time wondering before they're born, just how your life will change. Then once they're here, you wonder how you ever lived without them. Amazing isn't it?

Anyway, you're doing great. I wish I could've read something like this, as open & honest about REAL life with a baby, before I even had one. Keep up the great work. Noah is adorable!

Stacy O

Love you blog! Keep up the Noah stories. I think the birth and nipple rants are all part of the experience and you must record them !! So many people don't and won't talk about what "it is really like". Noah is beyond adorable. I'm 25 and admittedly want to have a baby, like, yesterday. But - I'm working very much full time right now and I know it isn't logistically the best thing, so I'm putting it off -- BUT, your blog has launched me into "walk weepily thru the diaper aisle at Giant" mode. It's frightening. You make being a mommy seem deliciously glamourous. Thanks for putting a good story out there.


Your mom changes kitty litter? She is the best!

You'll probably have some really funny thing happen at the post office and blog about that and then get mean comments about how you didn't post about Noah. You just can't please everybody!

And baby toes are so cute and those little socks never stay on anyway.


Has anyone suggested that this might not just be a run of the mill diaper rash at all? Maybe its a yeast infection much like thrush in the mouth except on his bottom. If that is the case all the remedies won't help much but if treated with a prescription antifungal medications, like Monistat. Which I think you can buy OTC now. If that is the case it will clear up in less than a day or two.
(The Mom who has been there done that LOL)


aw, your mom is a red-head! Maybe Noah will be too...my son is a redhead so I'm kind of partial ;-)

still loving your blog



aw, your mom is a red-head! Maybe Noah will be too...my son is a redhead so I'm kind of partial ;-)

still loving your blog



Please ignore the last comment....I guess I should have read the next line before I posted. LOL soooo sorry.


He's so beautiful! And your mommy looks totally smitten. But can I borrow her? Two cats, hate litter...


Don't you love mommies? She sounds like a rock Amalah! What a great example of motherhood....

p.s. Wanted to show you a picture of my new *drool* purse... here's the link (It's at the bottom. And? It's coach...)



Forgot to add (for the frillionth time). Love. Noah. Cutest baby in the world. I would be completely content if you wrote about him each and every post...


Mommies are wonderful! How do they become so selfless? I just can't see myself being that amazing. But for my soon-to-be-here baby's sake, I sure hope it comes naturally or is inherited!

As for the baby-related posts... I doubt most of us want to hear about anything except the baby right now. Or maybe that's just me because I'm 22 weeks pregnant and can't get enough. So, don't worry and don't change. Just post whatever and ignore those freaks who are upset.


Great picture or grandma and baby! I also didn't put socks on my boy - people will give you hell for that!!


for diaper ras change the diaper brand


dude, that kid is BIG

and cute, too. Also cute. And cuddly.

And BIG.

The Management

I am never, ever mentioning diaper rash on this site again.




So...WHAT do you do when the dog french kisses the baby? Because I would have died right there on the spot...is that the wrong answer?

Hope the post office was a blast and your getting some rest - also, more pics of Noah please!


Negative commenters: Obviously you are just jeeahloooosss that Amy has such a cute, cuddly, huge, fabulous baby. Stow that shit and let her tell us every detail.



Oh, and, your Mom's nails!?!



i didn't just have a baby, but i kind-of feel like 'wah bring me cookies', too.
and my cat litter also needs changing.
can you send your mom over?

if you write about nothing but baby butt and nipples for the rest of your life, we will all still check everyday for new posts because you're all funny and fabulous and whatever. alos, really like the noah pictures.


My baby is 21; I just blogged about her, as well as her 23 year old sister. So, the concern that you'll be writing about Noah for the next 20 years is probably wrong. It will be longer.

So what.

PS; LOVE the diaper bag. If you are going to be carrying that around for the next few years, might as well carry something stylin' and something you like.


Amy, I look here now hoping there is more about noah!! you are doing great!


This is my first time posting, and I don't have anything new to add to help diaper rash. However, I did come across an article (shiny link) in the NY Times that could possibly help prevent diaper rash (and I say this rather tongue in cheek, as the article makes me go . . .hrm.) If it's really true, well, diaper days can be over in the next year!! If not. . .well, you have a fantabulous diaper bag.


Note to Amalah: This blog does NOT (repeat NOT) suck. As much as I enjoyed reading you pre-Noah's (late) arrival, I even more enjoy reading about everything that happening now - and if that includes diaper rashes, breast-feeding and other new mommy stuff THAT'S GREAT.


Ok, another butt rash tip - I also feel compelled. When my son was still breastfeeding, he got a rash every time I ate apples or strawberries. Too much acid in the milk = red butt. Now he only gets a rash when he eats a mountain of grapes alone when mommy isn't looking.

In the end, the only fruit I could eat was bananas and pears, but he had absolutely NO RASH after that.

Good luck with your gorgeous son!


It's not diaper rash
It's something else entirely
Stop the assvice please!


For the record,that was not just me,being a bitch. It was Haiku,too! :)

RockStar Mommy

People need to take it easy on Mommy Blogs. It's not our fault that there's nothing else to do with our only 5 minutes of free time.

Don't you love how you specifically say NO MORE SUGGESTIONS and everyone is all, "Hope this isn't assvice, BUT...." ?


Cute picture of Grandma and Noah!


Gah! I'm frustrated with the assvice and it isn't even my blog!

Plus, me? Not tired of baby news yet. Never will be.


I don't think it sucks. I like reading about babies. They are little tiny commodians.


I did some more thinking!

I've stumbled onto a few 'mommy' blogs, and I think the reason why I like yours is because you're a good writer. You make the mundane sparkle. In fact, I think if I were to go grocery shopping with you, you would probably make it seem like an adventure, and make it funy and cool, and I'd have blast...going grocery shopping.


you know, it's actually probably really nice for your mom to be distracted from self + breast cancer surgery by taking care of you & a beautiful baby. life goes on in a very literal way.

well, i hope so. on another note, i had a dream about projectile pooping after reading that term in your blog for the first time in my life -- and actually woke myself up by laughing in my sleep. not kidding. so thank you (!) amalah and commentators!!


All the photos have been great! But that one of your Mom and Noah - so cool.


Fuck em. Write what pleases you and to hell with the critics.

Oh and can your mom adopt me please....

The comments to this entry are closed.