Items marked with * have been assigned SUPER BONUS POINTS for happening out in public.
1) The clueless cashier at Babies R' Us who, completely oblivious to the car seat attached to our cart, looked at my belly and asked when I was due.*
2) Guilt over thinking that I'm kind of glad Ceiba isn't around because she really can be a huge pain in the ass. But also guilt over not going to visit her at the vet after her surgery.
3) The news that Ceiba will be put on the doggie equivalent of bed rest for the next two weeks, which is so so sad but OH MY GOD, I'VE BARELY BEEN ABLE TO STAY IN BED THIS WEEK AND IF SHE GETS PAMPERED MORE THAN ME I WILL THROW HER OUT THE WINDOW.*
4) The words "8 pounds, 13 ounces."*
5) Also: "poor milk supply," "hospital-grade breast pump," "20 minutes every two hours" and "dad will feed baby formula while mom pumps."*
6) A lactation consultant who, while I was still sobbing over items 4 and 5, proceeded to berate me about all of the following: the pacifier she spotted in my diaper bag, our technique for caring for Noah's circ site, my use of Lasinoh, my choice of breast pump and nursing pillow, our plan to buy a baby swing and my nursing bra from Target. By the time she asked what brand of diaper rash cream we used I could only cower in my chair and tremble in terror.*
7) Strapping myself to an electric breast pump in the living room while Jason feeds Noah formula in the nursery and feeling like a goddamn malfunctioning milk cow.
8) Pumping while Jason feeds Noah formula next to me because after all the various indignities to my body this man has witnessed over the past week, this has GOT to be the one that will guarantee that he will never look at me as a sexual being ever again.
9) Holding Noah after pumping myself dry and watching him turn towards my breast and try to latch on through my shirt and then scream in frustration.
10) Pumping and pumping and pumping and only producing embarrassing tiny amounts of milk each time.
11) Blinding rage at body for producing a baby too big for me to provide milk for. Debilitating fear after realizing just how thin Noah has gotten since dispatched to my care.
12) PUMPING HURTS. HUUUURRRRRTTTTSS.
13) An accidental glimpse of myself naked in the mirror.
14) The first poop from Noah since we've been home from the hospital (formula-induced, of course). The first poop from me since we've been home from the hospital (colace-induced, of course).
15) Realizing too late that I'd let my pain medication wear off completely due to my preoccupation with pumping and obsessing over the loss of Noah's delicious fat rolls.
16) Realizing that OH MY GOD, it's time to fucking pump AGAIN.
17) Noah's cheeks, nose, mouth, neck, belly, hands, feet and bottom.
18) This one face he makes where he looks just like Jason.
19) This other face he makes where he looks just like me.
20) Looking into his face and realizing that everything is going to be okay and that everything on this list vanishes with the slightest sniff of the top of his head.