The Internet Really Needs Another Rant About Breastfeeding

This is the Best I Can Come Up With When Left to My Own Devices

Today I am on my own. Just me, the baby, the cat and the busted-up dog.

Oh, and the kitchen contractor guy, who is here to finally (FI. NAL. LY.) finish our goddamn kitchen.

I have no idea what I'm doing all of a sudden. Noah cries and I just stare at him like, "You're going to have to give me more information, because I have no idea what you want and the more you cry the more I can sense the judgement of the kitchen contractor guy because I CANNOT GET YOU TO SHUT UP."


1) Pick him up.
2) Offer boob.
3) Offer other boob, because hooray! There are two!
4) Change diaper, get peed and/or pooped on, stay cool about it.
5) Swaddle.
6) Walk in circles.
7) Walk in zig-zags.
8) Reason with child in a soothing, high-pitched voice.
9) Dump child in swing.
10) Shove pacifier in mouth.

Let's just say I spend a lot of time replacing the batteries in the swing and even more time reinserting the lost pacifier into his mouth. Rinse, repeat, life goes on.

I am proud of the fact that I managed to get a shower this morning, which I accomplished by dragging the bouncy seat into the bathroom and periodically sticking my foot out to give it a bounce or two. (Noah enjoys the bouncing, but not the battery-powered soothing vibrations, which makes me kind of hate the bouncy seat because WHAT IS THE POINT IF I AM STILL EXPECTED TO ATTEND TO HIS NEEDS? RAISE MY CHILD, FISHER PRICE AUTOMATION!)

When I stepped out of the shower, Noah greeted my naked self with a look that can only be described as wide-eyed horror. I don't blame him -- I make the same face when confronted with a full-length mirror these days -- and I'm actually hoping the sight will be enough to put him off girls for several decades.





(The sleeper says "Give peas a chance." Get it? GEDDIT? And the hat is a little peapod thing? Because it is cute and we are lame? Anyone? Hello?)



Yes, it is cute. Not lame at all.

Is it lame that I wore the same thing to work ysterday?


Very cute. And at least you can say that you are not wearing "Whirled Peas". Well, at least not yet.


Oh my goodness, he is so adorable. That's the cutest thing I've seen all week!


Adorable outfit! You are doing a great job!

Heather B.

Hey Look! Your rings fit! Or was that something you've already mentioned, and I'm just slow?

And once again...he's soooooo freakin' cute!


What a cute outfit!


aw look at the wittle pea pod.


That's one cute pea!!

Is that outfit from that totally organic, au natural baby clothes place? They have a website that I can't remember, but I'm relatively certain it's not


So cute. I'm not sure how to caption the first five photos, but the sixth is definitely "Resignation."


Tee hee! Love the outfit.


He looks cute! In the pics, he looks like he goes from fighting the peapod outfit, to just giving up and resigning himself to it. And that's the true meaning of parenthood right there.


In the last one he looks like he's completely resigned to the humiliation of it all.

And you! Look at you with your waist and whatnot! So lovely!

Laura have a pea that pees??

(sorry, i got nothin.)


Oh, you reminded me of those desperate early days when I was home on maternity leave with my son. I remember being terrified to take him out in public because he might start crying and everyone would thing I was a horrible mom because I couldn't make him stop. Are there any sounds that soothe Noah? Bathroom exhaust fan, vacuum cleaner, etc? With my son it was the air conditioner unit. So, I would take him out in the back yard and stand next to the AC unit approximately 800 times a day. After 12 weeks of that non-stop fun fest, going back to work was a relief!


Once again you bring back many memories (from just 15 months ago). I was told I would "know" my baby's cries. What? I didn't. So, I tried everything until something worked.
And the first shower without any help. I have a girl and her look was more of a "oh shit, I did that!? Mommy, I'm sorry!"
I also think I spent more money on like double X batteries for the damn swing than I spent on diapers.
Noah? Why don't you like the soothing vibrations? I'll give you some peas if you learn to like the soothing vibrations. Mommy would be very grateful if you liked the soothing vibrations.
One more thing, and this is very positive. I see your rings fit!? YAY!


Ha ha ha, he looks pissed as hell in the third picture. I love it!


The adorableness must stop, or I will be forced--FORCED--to throw away my birth control pills and pursue motherhood out of wedlock.


awww give pees a chance! HOW CUTE :) i love it.

a lil unknown mommy trick that took me many weeks, and a trip to the pedi to find out why my child was incessantly screaming for hours on end, is that sometimes they are sleepy! We don't realize they are sleepy, cuz they dont look it and they are just SCREAMING and all of our efforts to stop the screaming is fustrating them and making them angry that We Will Not Let Them Sleep! The pedi suggested putting her in her room with the lights off, and POOF in a few minutes the Crying Had Ended and she was Asleep!

Good Luck!


Ah the swing. Who ever invented the battery automatic baby swing deserves free booze for life.

When #2 was small and screamed non stop ALL THE FRICKIN TIME, his 4 yo sister carried a spare pacifier in her pocket at ALL TIMES to plug the noise. Sometimes he wouldn't even get out a whole cry before she plugged him up.


Mental note: No matter what, keep sense of humor.

Also? MUST. LOOK. AWAY... too much cuteness in one post...


Mental note: No matter what, keep sense of humor.

Also? MUST. LOOK. AWAY... too much cuteness in one post...


I'm so jealous you got a shower! Congratulations! I'm hoping the swing (aka the neglect-o-matic) will work it's magic and I might get to be clean at some point myself. Everyone says it gets much better after 4 weeks. I think they are probably lying. Good thing they are so damn cute.

Oh, LOVE the outfit!


awww, the outfit is adorable! Not lame at all.

You've pretty much got all the parenting tricks down, if you're not too tired yourself you can always put him in the car and just DRIVE.


HAHA Poop out of the back of the diaper!! Just you wait until he has a wall rattling blow out right in the middle of prayer at church (or any other place that is nice and quite like in which such noise would be equally inappropriate). Ah good times!


He looks like a cute little drunk! :)

About as drunk as I am right now only that I propably DON'T look cute anymore at this hour. To hell with it though...

I think you're doing a great job btw. Being your old fabulous self and a mommy. A fashionable one though. <3


Cute! So Cute!!

I love the middle right one...I guess img 1405? He's all "how you doin?" All flirty already... :-)


Give peas a chance. I totally get it dude. How cute is that. It would only be lame if, like, you were wearing it. But even then it would even be kinda cute.


Oh my god, the one where he's grabbing your finger and it looks like he's smiling...cutest one yet.


One of the fun parts of having a baby is that you can have fun with the baby, no matter how strange that fun might look (re:pea-shaped head-covers) - the point is that Mum and Baby both like it.

Knowing baby's cries? Fresh mothers (and by fresh I mean when baby is under 1 year of age) understand what their precious one needs just by listening to his/her crying?
Hm, my answer is a definite maybe.


Oh god, the broodiness is reaching a new pinnacle. Ach and gah and other 3 letter words which express dismay!

He is so beautiful!


I remember that feeling (not knowing what the baby is crying about) like it were yesterday.

Hang on a minute, reality just clobbered me and said "it WAS just yesterday!"

Never mind, I shant be dispensing advice...


Thank GOD your kitchen is getting work. Seriously. I feel for you. What with the hammering and the dust and the sawing, it's a miracle your nerves are not shot.

Good job on the shower. And Noah looks so cute -- like a pea in the pod.


Oh I SO remember the showering fiascos! Wheee!!!! I took the bouncy seat in the bathroom too. My girl never liked the bouncy seat much. I ended up getting a clear shower curtain so she could still see me. ::sigh:: You sure do learn how to wash fast with a screaming baby urging you on.

Have you tried the bouncy seat on the dryer trick? (That may be #2465 in the Parenting Handbook.) It never worked for me (and AS IF I would want to stand next to the dryer all day!), but you never know.

Does Noah make any cute noises when he sleeps? Mine sighed a lot. By the time I had the presence of mind to attempt to videotape her sleeping and sighing for posterity, she stopped doing it. Now she snores, which isn't as cute.

Lisa V

He it too damn cute. A shower ? And you didn't have to take him in with you ? I bow girlfriend, it took me to child #3 to figure that one out. You are truly the advanced model.

Sing to him, only change the lyrics. "Rock a bye Noah, what the hell did do ?" Stuff like that. My kids didn't quit crying, but it entertained me.


OMG, is Noah sneering in the last picture? Or is he just disgusted?

Either way, he looks cute.


The picture where he's smiling? Looks so much like you it's eerie. Also, the last picture there? That's the look of infant resignation.

You're doing a great job with that boy.


I used to have the book: "101 Ways to Soothe a Crying Baby." When all else fails, hold him and march around the room singing "Seventy-six trombones" at the top of your lungs.

Anne Glamore

Alternatively, you could put the bouncy seat outside the shower, put ear plugs in your own ears, close the shoewr curtain, and take a semi-peaceful shower.

It's a better alternative than throwing the crying baby out the window, which occurred to me a few times.



That is a adorable, adorable baby. And you'll get the hang of this I promise. Just, enjoy every second and then the little struggles aren't so hard. I know I know assvice, but it's not really it's more ecouragement.


I tried to warn you about the cute baby hats and the therapy that will result from them!!!! :)

ps - I'm FINALLY in labor. Right now. As I type. :)


Sooooooooo cute!!!!! I want one like him!!


you're doing a great job! it is so hard, and you'll constantly be doubting yourself, but you are the best, and noah knows it!


In our family we have what is known as the "turd-muncle dance." Muncle as in uncle with an "M" at the front. According to my sister, if you look it up in a very old and very large dictionery you will find that a muncle is a "pile of." You dance around the kitchen Ranchera Style(also known as the Mexican Shuffle). Aaaaaand you sing turd muncle, turd muncle, turd muncle. Sometimes it works.

jeez what a lame comment.


I can't believe you rinse the binky before popping it back in his mouth.



In our family we have what is known as the "turd-muncle dance." Muncle as in uncle with an "M" at the front. According to my sister, if you look it up in a very old and very large dictionery you will find that a muncle is a "pile of." You dance around the kitchen Ranchera Style(also known as the Mexican Shuffle). Aaaaaand you sing turd muncle, turd muncle, turd muncle. You have to be holding the baby for it to work. Sometimes it works. Old cowboy-baby trick.

jeez what a lame comment.


it was SUCH a lame comment I hadda add to it and double post that sucker!


sounds like he is nursing again. yay.


What a cutie! Don't worry, sometimes i get excited about showers too, and i don't even have kids...hmmm, why is it then that i am unclean?


Noah is adorable.
My second baby is 9 months and I am still working on my collection of good parenting tricks. Although I must say, I have found none that compair to the boob.


I love that outfit, and he looks adorable in it.I saw that outfit at Whole Foods the other day and had to resist buying one because it was a tad above my budget. I'm going to have to get one before my baby is born though, it is so cute!


Ahh the screaming. Wait till they do this I shall arch my back, go completely stiff so that you cannot even put me in the swing or the bouncer unless you break me into two. They learn that at about 6 weeks.

And the poop that shoots out the back of the diaper all the way up to the ears??? Every single poop my daughter had until she was one was like that. After one, every other poop is like that. At least they poop much less frequently as they get older. I have no idea how they physically manage to shoot the poop up that way, but I hope you have a washing machine at home.

One last word/assvice. He may have gas. Try a few drops of mylecon every couple of hours. He may be screaming and fussing because of a tummy ache. He is adorable though.


The only thing that soothed mine in those dark, dark early days:

Sit on blasted exercise ball that I dragged to hospital TWICE and never used in labor. Bounce vigorously while shhh-shhhing furiously.

Quieted child and worked quads. Bask in the multi-task.


Have no fear, Noah will have you trained in no time. I got a few tips from books and other moms when my daughter was a baby, but most of it is just stupid stuff that you make up.

Here's to the kitchen getting finished TODAY! (clink!)


I mean, really. Could the kid look any more like you? Really. Noah is the boy incarnation of Amy.

Much like Leta is the girl incarnation of Jon.

I need to go act like I have a life.


Love the "give peas a chance" outfit on your little guy!

I saw one on another baby this summer that said "imagine whirled peas". Laughed myself sick, I did.

Baby humor, ar ar ar!

(Gawd, I channeled Yoda and Popeye all in the same post. Must drink more often.)

Real Girl

The pea pics? Are painfully precious.

Real Cat has that same look of wide-eyed horror upon my emergence from the shower. I like to call it "Mommy! Wh...wh...where's your FUR?"


Can I just say...and this is NOT a judgement in and shape wotsoever... but... drinking alchohol whilst breast feeding can sour your milk for a couple of days...which may have resulted in little Noah not being happy with boob food the other day. The problem with juggling boobs and bottles is this... babys that little can and do swallow a lot of air... and its always possible that he is showing signs of a bit of cholic. I had that with my first...except that it wasnt due to bottle was due to my having an abundance of milk and her having to gulp it down to avoid choking on the excess flow. I found that laying on my side...with her and feeding in that position worked miracles! No more excessive crying spells and cramping. Perhaps try feeding him on his side... so he has better control of the milk flow either with bottle or boobs. Hope this helps...and..lastly...listen to your instincts...they will always point u in the right direction. ;-)


Isn't it funny how cool we are now about pee and poop? No biggie.


I remember those days of staring at the clock frantically figuring how many more hours until my husband returned home form work so I could throw the baby at him and run upstairs to hide! I also remember holding a sleeping infant in my arms, just as angelic as could be, thinking this would be the beautiful tableau my husband would see upon walking in the door, only to have said angelic infant turn into Satan's child 10 minutes before hubby walked in the door! Boy, that kid sure liked to make me look bad!


My husband actually engineered the swing to bypass the batteries and us AC power. Yes, that's right - I could plug the neglect-o-matic in and the baby would swing through entire naps. Even, for a stretch, sleep in the damn thing at night.

Go ahead. Fling insults, Internet. I have my mommy-armor on! hahaha (admit it, AC power to the swing - GENIUS, right??)

Wacky Mommy

i love babies in funny hats.


Cutest. Pea. Ever.


Hey, JustLinda, maybe your husband can tell the rest of us how to do that? (wire the swing to AC power). I've been wondering for ages why all the swings are manufactured without an extension cord.

And to all new moms... sometimes babies just cry because that's what they do a lot, not because of colic/gas/weird tasting milk etc etc. New moms can drive themselves crazy worrying about things that sometimes just Are. (not that one shouldn't try and calm a crying baby, of course).


I agree with not knowing what to do sometimes. My son is 2 weeks old and I have the same feelings most of the time when he cries. It's hard to take a shower when you are home by yourself. Half the time, I wait until my husband is home and put him on baby duty for a while before he sleeps for his second job. Kids...gotta love them I guess!! I had a c-section too. Did you have any problems with your incision seeping some??


can't resist a baby, and a baby in a hat even less! All baby hats just kill.

Congrats on the shower! An accomplishment in itself.


The whole nice soothing seat/physically attending to him anyway thing is like when you get a kid a really cool toy and all they want to do is play with the cardboard box. At least you know what to get Noah when he's a little older!

The pea sleeper is so cute I had to avert my eyes! :)


Just too damned cute, those photos.


SUCH a sweetpea! (Ok, that was lame, but I couldn't resist, besides, it's not any lamer than whirled peas or give peas a chance!!!)
Not to worry about not knowing your baby's cries. Oldest is 24 y/o, and I'm an occasional foster mom to babies, so youngest is pretty much always under 6 weeks. I NEVER know what they're trying to tell me. I try food first, then diaper, rocking/swinging/walking (aka movement), swaddling & talking/singing and lastly letting the poor little one get to sleep on his/her own. One of those will work, but contractor will still think what he will. His prob.
Friends tried the bouncy seat on the washer trick. Worked great until the VERY LOUD BEEP when the load was done. You should have heard the scream! (I don't recommend it!)


The best thing that worked with my daughter was to go to the faucet, and run it for a minute. I don't know what it is about the faucet in particular, but it worked like a charm.

Sometimes, it's too quiet, and they freak out because it's too quiet. It's pretty loud in the womb. Lots of stuff going on in there. I think the faucet was probably the most like what was going on inside my body at the time I was carrying her. White noise.

I noticed someone left a comment about being able to discern a baby's cry. Yeah, that comes with time. Trying to discern the cries of a newborn will really only drive you nuts.

Also, when you have tried everything, and he's still crying, this is actually a good thing. He's getting much-needed exercise. Difficult and heart-wrenching to listen to, but it's good for him.



Dude, I totally recommend the pacifer tether thingy to attatch to the little guys shirt. When he spits it out, you don't have to go on a hunt.


Ha! I stepped out of my first alone-with-the-baby-shower to find the dog licking spit-up off the corners of his mouth. But, they were both happy so I just pretended I didn't know what was really happening. Actually I ran naked and dripping for the camera. The joys of being alone in the house...


I think it is a requirement that all male children have pictures in outfits that they will later on wonder, "WTF were my parents smoking?". Lord knows that my 6 year old son has had PLENTY of those over the years!
Your child, however, looks adorable!


Disclaimer: This is *not* assvice.

First kid loved his swing til he was 2 weeks old..then we took a trip to GrandMommy's house with it and he started hating it there and never stopped. The little shit.

Also,as to a kiddo being cranky due to lack of sleep (which you,the Queen of Mommyhood did emphatically not mention,but others did) We always made sure that the house operated at it's usual noisy level even while the baby was sleeping,from day they weren't easily startled,upset or awakened. Now all my chirruns could sleep through a parade.


The knowing the baby's cry thing? Yeah, Princess Nursalot was four months old yesterday, and most of the time, I haven't a clue what she's pissed about. I've whipped out my boob so many times so quickly I'm amazed I haven't given myself whiplash. And since this is WhyDidWeDecideToProcreate Version 2.0, you would think I would have some momming info stored up to fall back on? Nerp. Not really. So don't sweat it. You're doing great.

And congrats on the shower. You will be able to handle anything he throws at you (or poops at you, or pees at you, or projectile vomits at you) as long as you smell nice.


In the last one, he's like, "Yeah, you're not ever going to get that camera out of my face, are you?"


Hehe. Peas. Hehe.


You got to take a shower, and you're the only parent in the house? WOW. That's an accomplishment in itself.

My daughter also loved her bouncy seat, but wanted it bounced up & down too, then she'd fall asleep. Hubby finally made a "stand" for it to rest on, up against the couch, so we could bounce her up & down easily. Oh the things we do to keep them calm......

Noah is absolutely adorable. I love taking silly photos, since I know one day I'll show them to my daughter, when she's about 16, & will already hate me.


Sounds to me like you do have all the essential parenting tricks mastered. And I also am impressed that you got a shower!

The peas outfit is too, too cute.


By the way, I've had 5 babies and I NEVER knew what the cries meant. They all sounded the same. I just went through the routine: feed, change, rock, sing, walk, rock, swing, scream, feed... etc. The Kangaroo Korner fleece pouch SAVED ME (and I didn't discover it until #5) - she would always always always calm down and fall asleep in that. Lucky me.

As for converting the swing from battery to AC... I don't know if we still have those instructions (they were for the Fisher Price cradle-swing and we got them off the internet haha). I'll look around.


rinse the passy (sp?) EVERY TIME really? what about exposing the kid to germs at an early age to boost his immune system?
must file these things so when i have small child DSS doesn't intervene.


Ben: Please don't use the word "shant" in front of the baby!


Ahh, the "poop out the diaper and in the ears" schtick. We call those "sink jobs" do not even attempt the use of wipes. Never thought of that use when picking out your new kitchen sink did ya?


I'm expecting my first baby in 10 weeks and have been glued to your blog for a couple of months now. Noah is SO cute! Anyway, a friend of mine with a new baby swears by all the advice in "The Happiest Baby on the Block" in terms of calming, etc. There's a dvd and a book, and you can get the scoop at The swaddling, pacifier, and swing are all part of the doc's recommendations--way to go! He's also big on loud white noise (which I notice many have mentioned) and a certain way of holding the baby on his side and gently jiggling him that basically hypnotizes the baby--at least it looks that way on the dvd! It's all about recreating the in utero conditions. I hope that's helpful and not assvice!


See, this is why babies are so goshdarn cute--so that when these things happen, we don't throw them out the window. ;)

Chickadee had a pink outfit complete with a cartoon pig's face... on the butt. I have sooooo many pictures of that. She hates me already. ;) The peas are just cute.


What a cute little guy! Sounds like your doing a great job of trying to keep him happy. Don't worry, the screaming night and day is just a phase. Good luck !!!

Lisa Ann


Much like Leta is the girl incarnation of Jon.

I need to go act like I have a life.


I know EXACTLY what you mean. I'm way too entrenched in the lives of strangers. But? Besides the point --
must talk about how ADORABLE Noah is in that outfit.


This kind of reminds me of the Simpsons' episode where they built a baby translator. Oh the things that Maggie said!

Your little peapod looks adorable.


Totaly on a side subject, your whole "Nobody tells you about the poop that SHOOTS OUT THE BACK OF THE DIAPER AND ENDS UP IN THE BABY'S EARS. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?"

Seriously what is that about!?! No one warns you about the colors either and it's not like they are getting a wide varriety of foods to change the colors. And god how can things that small smell that bad?!?! Seriously, even at two mine can still clear the apartment.

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