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November 2005
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January 2006

Confessions of a Wise Old Daycare Veteran, Who Has Been Using Daycare for Three Whole Half Days Now

Oh Internet, how I've neglected you. You're all probably wondering if, on my second day of work, I decided to blow past the daycare center and hightail it to Mexico, with Noah in one hand and my breast pump in the other, laughing maniacally because I left the extra diapers in his cubby at daycare and now I have no money to buy new diapers BUT HE DOESN'T NEED DIAPERS BECAUSE HE HAS MY LOVE, MWA HA HA, and then maybe I fell into some kind of ditch. Hint: That is not what happened! What really happened is much less interesting but much more not insane. I drop Noah off in the morning, usually much later than I intend to, I get big dimply smiles and he gets big kisses, the teachers all smile and indulge me for many, many minutes before they remind me that I should maybe get to that fancy job of mine, I get to work and pout for a little bit, drink some coffee and eat some of the endless parade of leftover holiday goodness in the kitchen, then I work and then I pump milk (with not one, but two chairs and several heavy... Read more →

Oh Yes, Today Is Also My Birthday

So far today, I have ripped two pairs of pantyhose, left the house 47 minutes later than I intended to, stalled my car because I don't remember how to shift in heels, thrown out three very dead office plants and spent 20 minutes trying to figure out what the hell my network password is. I also left Noah at daycare. It hurts so bad, I can't hear. Read more →


Noah has a cold. AGAIN. But this the ultra-liquidy version. My God, we are awash in snot. He leaves smears of mucus on my boobs after I nurse him and has blown some of the most impressive nose bubbles I've ever seen. I've spent all morning with wadded up tissues at the ready and have been diving in there with the nasal bulb thing at every occasion, usually shrieking I'M GONNA STEAL YOUR BOOOOOOOGERS or some variant thereof, and for anyone who thinks that I am going back to work simply because I cannot handle the MIND-BLOWING GLAMOR of motherhood is wrong, because I have dried baby snot on my neck and am PROUD OF IT, COME GIVE ME A CUDDLE. Poor guy. While it's highly likely that I simply gave him the cold I've been suffering from for the past couple weeks, I'm blaming the three hours he spent in daycare on Monday. Gaarrrrghhhhh. Anyway. The Wednesday Advice Smackdown is taking a brief holiday hiatus so that I may focus my energies on Nasal Cavity Watch 2005. Now watch me distract the Internet with random shiny baby photos! You want to talk about daycare? Pshaw! That's like, sooooo yesterday.... Read more →

The Post After The Post I've Been Dreading

First, let's tally up the responses to yesterday's post... Hateful, judgmental or otherwise assvicey emails: ZERO Loving, understanding or otherwise supportive emails: 300 and counting Gold star for the Internet! 'Tis a Christmas miracle! I hate when I get all defensive like that. You'd think that no one ever says anything nice to me, ever, which is not true. Probably 95% of the comments and emails I get are positive, but it's just that the people who take the time to write hate mail tend to fucking eviscerate me. And while it's one thing when people tell me I have stupid hair, or that I'm a spoiled materialistic whore because I put a link to my baby registry in the stupid sidebar, it's quite another thing entirely when Noah is involved. Possibly because it makes me overthink the kind of squishy ground we online writers tread when we post the pictures and real names and bowel functions of our children, and partly because I sooner would chew my own arm off than have him hurt, and if you hurt him I'm thinking that it's only fair if I chew YOUR arm off. Also, my wafer-thin motherhood skin hasn't yet developed... Read more →

The Post I've Been Dreading

When I was in the first grade, my classmate April's father was killed in a car accident. A year or so later, I went to her house after school and met her nanny and her two-year-old brother. Their mother came home after a few hours, and I listened to her brother scream and cry as the nanny put her coat on. And he wailed. And he howled. April shrugged. "He hates it when she leaves." Finally, the nanny snapped: "I'm not your mother. She is!" And in that moment, my heart broke. And that scene burned itself into my memory like it happened yesterday. My eight-year-old self knew nothing about having a working mother. My mom stayed home and made both my chocolate-chip cookies and my Halloween costumes from scratch. We were poor and I wore homemade clothes and one year my mom made me a Care Bear for Christmas, but I couldn't imagine how you could be confused about which lady was your mommy. I'm not your mother. She is. What hurts most about this memory these days is the realization that I had the gall to judge April's mother. She'd lost her husband and her child's loyalty and... Read more →

Um, Hi?

Typepad? Are you working again? Can you tell the nice Internet people that I am not dead? And that it is ALL YOUR FAULT that I did not post today, because I totally intended to? And that I would post now except that I have to decorate my goddamned Christmas tree, which we have had for a WEEK, yet sits forlornly unornamented because we are lazy, and also maybe a little drunk, and anyway, what was I talking about? Oh. Right. Typepad was down all day today. Pfft. Noah thinks that he is SO OVER my excuses for not posting, and also this whole damn Christmas thing, like what, do we expect him to CARE that we waited for 40 minutes in the stupid Santa Claus line in order to give him a magical special childhood? Because he DOES NOT CARE IN THE SLIGHTEST. YAWN. Read more →

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Hey Amalah, So how is that two-month-old Amazon baby of yours scaring the shit out of you today? Also, get a haircut. GOD. Love, Amalah Y'all! The child ROLLED THE FUCK OVER. WHEN I WAS NOT PRESENT, BECAUSE I AM NEGLECTFUL AND NEED MY COFFEE. So Noah and I were hanging out in bed, watching The Price Is Right, which he loves, and I refuse to feel badly about that, because I make it educational, what with the prices and the capitalism, and we do this great little COME ON DOWN dance and ANYWAY, I AM NOT THE ONE ON TRIAL HERE. So there was a commercial break, and I realized that I hadn't put kibble down for Ceiba yet, the poor downgraded baby, and also that I would like some coffee. So I left Noah squarely in the center of the bed and dashed downstairs to feed the dog and make a 30-second cup of pod coffee. And lo, in that timeframe, the genius child had rolled over onto his tummy and was working VERY HARD on flipping back over again. Am doomed. Doomed! Anyway, let's take some of your questions before Noah learns to type and takes over... Read more →

Life, Such As It Is

PART ONE: In Which We Buy A Christmas Tree That Is Too Big For Our Christmas Tree Stand, Which Wouldn't Be Anything Of Note Except That This Is Like, The Fourth Year In A Row That We've Done That And Still Have Not Bought A Bigger Damn Tree Stand, Like, GOD. That's our good chef's knife being put to inappropriate use, and yes, we caught our own tree this year, using our most festive fishnet. PART TWO: In Which My Heart Both Bursts With Pride And Breaks With The Whole Sunrise, Sunset Aspect Of It All. After procrastinating for WEEKS, I finally went through Noah's clothes and packed up all his little newborn stuff that fit him for like, a month. If anyone needs any 0-3 month baby boy clothes, I suppose you could have these, except for that one little sleeper with Noah's Ark on it, and the teddy bear one he wore home from the hospital, and those funny striped PJs, and the onesie with the hippo, or the itty bitty cargo pants, or... BAAAAAHHHH MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSSS (Amy makes crazy bug-eyed face, grabs clothes and shoves them back into closet and hisses at Jason, who is so tired,... Read more →

Enough Baby Pictures to Melt the Entire Internet

Hey y'all, Noah here. My mom's still sick, so she asked me to write today's entry. Which means lots of pictures of me, because Wednesday's post didn't have ANY, and WHAT IS UP WITH THAT, MOM? Honestly. It's like she thinks people come to this stupid website to READ or something. I know, right? My mom is funny. But she is no match for me and my hilarious turtle faces. Look! Am squirrel! Haaaaa! And here I am doing my best impression of a post-collagen-injection Melanie Griffith. But you know, I am more than just a edible bundle of snuggly deliciousness. I actually have many important opinions. Like I am strongly opposed to the continued career of Jennifer Love Hewitt. And I think the world needs more baby smiles. I mean, really. Don't you feel better already? CEIBA! SAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYBaAAAAAA! PUPPY STILL HERE BITCHES! STILL CUTE TOO! LOOK HOW CUTE! LEG IS OKAY! COST PEOPLE LOTS OF DOLLARS! SERVES THEM RIGHT FOR BRINGING HOME SMELLY FARTY BABY! Heh. Sorry about that. That silly dog-thing is just jealous. The big cat-thing loves me though, and one time? Smacked the dog-thing CLEAR ACROSS THE ROOM when she almost jumped on top of me... Read more →