Not Ha Ha Funny, But I Tried
I'm Out

Casa de Suck

Noah is sick. Diarrhea. Vomiting. Screaming. Hair-pulling.

He's on outfit number seven so far and I've taken three showers to get vomit out of my hair, cleavage and/or ear canals.

I also watched Starting Over.

I know. I am deeply ashamed. But you know, I was kind of hoping for more spinospools, or some of the crazy sadistic shit y'all told me about, like grown women being dressed as babies and sent on playdates while their housemates throw cupcakes at them and their Life Coaches berate them for not taking ownership of their poor life choices, which certainly include appearing on this suckfest of a show.

Or you know...something like that.


One day, the remote will be mine, and I will never have to watch this crap again.

I emailed Yvonne this morning and told her that I was actually PLANNING to watch Starting Over, like NOT EVEN BY ACCIDENT, and made a joke that perhaps I would liveblog it. She ordered me to do just that and has been yelling at me all day about it, like she thinks she invented the restraining order or something, and...well. This is your entry for today! It's Y's fault if you have no fucking idea what I'm talking about.

Previously on Starting Over! Bitchfight! Well, some yelling in the kitchen, at least. Possibly over dishes!


Kelly is Overcoming a Fear of Intimacy, and she also hates Jodi. Apparently, they were the ones yelling in the kitchen. Kelly is crying now, because Jodi is SO harshing her personal development buzz.

Kelly rants that she is here to learn how to get along with her family, NOT how to get along with Jodi, and while this is only the second time I've watched this show EVER, even I get that she may be missing the big picture here, just a little bit.

She has to go to some "street interview" thing and is trying to pull herself together. Lisa, who is Rebuilding the Ruins, puts away the iron before Kelly kills Jodi with it, and then gives her a hug and tells her to be careful driving, what with the complete meltdown she's having and the kind of scary way she's flying around their bedroom shrieking and getting bleeped by the censors. Kelly is kind of offended by the suggestion that she's maybe crossed into raving fucking lunatic territory.

Kelly: Oh, I'm gonna be FINE, I mean, I'm not CRAZY!

Of course you aren't! No, there is no crazy in the Starting Over Bleeping House! No crazy at all!

Actually, it turns out that the Big Kelly and Jodi Throwdown is about Kelly's Depression Cloud. Which...I don't know. Kelly drew squiggly lines on her Cloud and Jodi thought squiggly lines were not sufficiently Depressing enough.

I like Jill, who is Losing Weight and Eliminating Chaos. Jill and I would go shopping and we would buy shoes and I would purposely try on some ugly shoes and Jill would be all, "OH HELL NO GIRLFRIEND" and we would laugh because we've had too much coffee.

The aforementioned street interview involves hanging around a strip mall parking lot with a mother and her son who will hug and hold hands while Kelly shakes down random people walking by to ask if they find that behavior inappropriate or sexual. That's kind of sad, and I wonder what Kelly would think of Noah's penchant for French kissing.

Of course, every single person thinks it's MARVELOUS that the mother and son can show affection out in public. FABULOUS. WONDERFUL. Except, perhaps, for a little girl Kelly kind of hilariously interviews at the end and practically browbeats her with the leading questions like, "If your dad put his arm around you, in front of everybody in this whole parking lot, you would be okay with that, right? You would be happy, right? Because it means he loves you, RIGHT?"

And the little girl, who is standing about 10 feet away from her dad, nods meekly, yet looks like she would rather that the asphalt OPEN UP AND SWALLOW HER WHOLE before she would be okay with her father HUGGING HER in front of PEOPLE, OH MY GOD.

Two other women in the house are also kind of fighting, but it's boring. So boring. This show is boring! There is entirely too much footage of women writing things down on legal pads! Where are the spinospools?

I'm kind of sad the show is halfway over and there hasn't been anything nearly as awesome as the spinospools.

Jill never knew her dad and talks about being rejected as an embryo. Jodi won't get on the scale because her dad used to make her weigh herself every morning just to humiliate her. Christie's dad was physically abusive. Jesus, it's a fucking John Mayer song, people.

Wait, what's this? PIES! There are pies!

Jodi opens the front door to find the the Starting Over Production Assistant Gnomes have left cream pies on the doorstep. Pies labeled with things like FAT, UGLY, GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY CANDIDATE and TURKEY NECK.

"Oh God, are people going to throw these at me?" Jodi asks. So she HAS watched the show.

Lisa comes running over to see the pies. "Are we going to throw these at your head?" she asks, a bit too excitedly.

Unfortunately for us all, the pies are not going to be thrown at Jodi. Or even Kelly, who could kind of use a pie thrown at her head, if you know what I'm saying.

No, Jodi is to take the pies up to the Starting Over Bleeping House's balcony and toss them off while saying some "I CHOOSE ME" type platitude.

But once again, the coolness has been reduced EVEN FURTHER by the Production Assistant Gnomes, who obviously didn't want to clean cream pie out of the fucking pool, so Jodi is actually just sort of...dropping the pies off the balcony directly into a waiting trash can.

"I will not look in the mirror to see my turkey neck!" Jodi triumphantly shouts, joining Kelly in the Maybe Not Sort of Getting the Point Club.

Kelly tells Life Coach Rhonda about the horrible, terrible mean thing Jodi said about the squiggly lines on her Depression Cloud, and I hope, for one fleeting moment that she's LISTENING TO HERSELF GET WORKED UP OVER SQUIGGLY LINES, or that Rhonda will tell her to dial back the fucking drama already or maybe throw a pie at her head, but none of these things happen.

Instead, Rhonda tells Kelly that Jodi is a mirror. A MIRROR TO KELLY. For Kelly to look in and see KELLY, and Kelly should thank Jodi for letting her look into the Mirror of Condescension and grow from love or some such bullshit, and I throw a puke-encrusted burp cloth at the television, because PLEASE.

What kind of passive aggressive coping technique is that?

Woman #1: Wow, those shoes are so cute. Didn't I see them in the October 2004 issue of InStyle?

Woman #2: Wow, thank you for showing me how ugly it is when I judge others based on their clothes. You've really helped me grow as a person today.

Woman #1: You're welcome, but those shoes are still hella last season.


Ceiba doesn't know about you, but she's kind of embarrassed for womankind right now.

Anyway, we can't end the show without Jodi and Kelly having a Confrontation, which they totally take outside, where they totally pull the passive aggressive shit on each other, just like the Life Coaches taught them to.

Jodi: I'm sorry that you think I'm condescending. I am willing to take ownership about the need to be extra careful when I speak to you because of the stupid way you interpret whatever I say.

Kelly: I really don't appreciate that you are making the fact that I have a problem with you all about the fact that I have a problem with you, instead of admitting that you are just a huge pain in the ass.

Jodi: I'm so glad we talked! Give me a hug!


This show is an embarrassment to everyone involved! Just like this entry! I crap my pants in protest!



I hope babylah gets better soon.

Nice recap. :)


Poor noah


wow-could I really be first.

Be careful,a bunch of people I know w/ infants, the babies have the rotavirus, which is really nasty and can result in baby being hospitalized!

I'm home all day w/ baby 2 days a week and have never watched starting over, I may have to now.


You have hit the nail on the head with the show! I am dying laughing!


sometimes, after a sick day, doesn't a little part of you kinda wish you had just gone to work like a normal person?

I know I always feel like that after a day of bad tv...


Can I just say... I love reading you. Even things I wouldn't normally find interesting... I love reading when you write about them.

But this. I had to SKIM an Amalah post. I couldn't stand to read it all. My God. This proves my prior assertion that Starting Over is one hella bad show. :)


i have what noah has... and it has not made me happy either!


i watched it last monday and really enjoyed it. I love the girl who is "trying to drop the hustle." Was she on today? If not that's why you missed all the fun.

I'm hoping for another "sick" day to watch it again.

I'm also heading straight to a srink to see what is wrong with my head.


I love this show! They're all such trainwrecks! I'm sure it lowers my IQ, and possibly my "EQ" as well, with every viewing so it's a probably good thing I only see it on federal holidays. Boo to there being no spinospools though. They've been on pretty much every time I've watched the last few months.


LOL, that recap was great. :-D I used to live in the States, but in December I flung myself back over to the far ends of the earth - New Zealand. So, of course, I haven't seen a SINGLE EPISODE of Starting Over since then!!!

(But now I can sleep at night again now knowing that they are all still alive and kicking... LOL. :-D)


We really must get this show in Australia. I wonder if it is on cable?


Am I the only person in the world that doesn't know what Starting Over is? Is this like Wife Swap? Or that intervention show?

We are totally two years away from Running Man.

RockStar Mommy

We've got vomit/puke/diarrhea/snot/cough fest going on over here, too. Only I've got it along with my two kids and I've decided that I'm going to put my hand on a burning hot stove every time I even THINK about having another child.

If reality shows had trolls, I'd so be one for Starting Over. Also, for Regis & Kelly - but only for the Kelly part.


I've only watched that show once, and it was enough to convince me that it's the weirdest show ever. Thanks for the recap!

I hope Noah is better soon!


My exboyfriend is OBSESSED with this show. Obsessed I tell you. On our first date he mentioned it was his favorite show, and against my better judgement, I went on several more with him.

But yeah..he made me watch it with him sometimes, and I couldn't help but laugh at him every time. It's too much.


Ok. THIS IS WHY I WAS YELLING AT YOU. Because I KNEW it would be funny as HELL.

I'm seriously crying. CRYING!

"Production assistant gnomes!"


Brilliant. Seriously.


Also? I have to admit that I used to take this show TOTALLY SERIOUSLY. Until I read the one post in which you made fun of the spineospool. Now, anytime I feel like crying, I think about that post and start laughing.

Thanks for ruining it for me.

But, in a good way.


For the previous entry: I like all of you am amused by Amalah's writing until I read about Henry the Hydrocephalic Reindeer. My son William developed hydrocephalus after he was born prematurely at 30 weeks due to a pulmonary hemmorhage. There is nothing funny about hydrocephalus. It can kill your child and impair him/her cognitively and from a motor skills perspective. He is a beautiful, funny, sweet little boy without an enlarged head because he has a shunt. He had three brain surgeries before he turned one. The last one he had a two hour seizure and almost died again. Henry the Hydrocephalic Reindeer isn't funny at all because it is mocking children with a neurological disorder that is life long. If anyone would like to educate themselves about hydrocephalus please visit our support group at Hopefully this comment won't be censored. Lori


Sorry about Noah...feel better soon baby :)
Absolutly hate that show...couldn't get through one whole episode with out screaming obcenities at the front of my daughter. Please feel free to nominate me for mommy of the year.


Hi. My name is Ann and I am a Starting Over-aholic. Thats right I said it! Every. Fricking. Day. I think someone needs to put Kelly out of her misery. She is a Debbie Downer to the highest power. I sort of like Jodi, she just needs a verbal sensor, but I know tons of people who lack those. Dr. Stan was on the whole Michael Jackson case before S.O. We're talkin' "big time stuff" for this crew!


Andrea- It was Lisa "1" who was "trying to drop the hustle". And yeah- with her gone, there's been a decrease in fun things like her being locked in a prison and her having to give tupperware parties and going on strange dates.

I, like AnnieM, and also a Startingoveraholic. I might even, um, TiVo Starting Over so I can watch it since I work.

I am such a sucker for drama. In any way.

And to the lady with the son with hydrocephaly- I'm sorry for your son, but I don't think Amy was mocking all children with a neurological disorder. Really I don't.


I hear you talking and talking and talking but I'm wearing my dumb look 'cause, girlfriend, I have NO CLUE what you're talking about. LOL (and see? I said that without even having too much coffee but I've always wanted to call someone GIRLFRIEND and not have to deal with my husband getting THAT look on his face like he can see the future and it includes a threesome with two chicks, KWIM?).


I know this is amalah's blog but this one's for lori. no mother should have to endure what you have gone through with your baby. i'm sure everyone who posts here would agree. i just wanted to acknowledge your comment and your family's plight in support and deep sincerity.


I'm so sorry to hear that you're sick!

I love daytime tv and yet.... it does kindof make my brain shrivel up and die. The only thing worse is the daytime tv ads. We didn't even have basic cable when I was little (shock! horror! parental abuse!) So, when I was little and home sick, I got to see a lot of personal injury ads.

Apparently I decided that I wanted to be a personal injury lawyer when I grew up. My family got me to reconsider by reffering to me as "James Sokolov" and snickering at me. Fun times.


Lori - I was going to respond to your email (which...let's be honest, was kind of hurtful right back), but I suppose I'll do it here instead.

Your son is absolutely beautiful. I'm sorry you are going through this, and my heart goes out to you both.

But please, I was NOT mocking children. I was NOT mocking your son. I used a loaded word that hits a raw nerve with you and obviously, I have no right to dictate how I think you should respond to the use of that word.

Because my God, I understand how deeply we hurt on behalf of our children (which is why your email stung me back, what with the implication that I'm a bad mother and setting a bad example) and can only imagine how much your pain is magnified.


Dear Amalah,

Your recap of the cracklike suckfest that is "Starting Over" made my day. Life has never been this read, indeed.

If there was a caption under you on the TV, what would it say? Perhaps, "Amalah: Learning to Clean Up the Baby Spew"?

I hope Noah feels better soon!

Vaguely Urban

My dream job would be to infiltrate the production staff of Starting Over and see how far I could push the healing activities envelope without getting busted.

Trust falls into the Pudding-Vat-O-Truth? Green Light! Making Peace With the Past through creating 'olive branches' by impaling canned olives on twigs? Let's do it!


How did I get here? A reindeer? Henry and Hydrocephalus? My son William. Amy whom I don't know but makes me laugh. Amy whom I offended. Public apologies are in order. I sent Amy an email so I will make this brief because this is supposed to be about the frivolity of starting over, bad tv and trying to make a little sense out of life with a laugh. Only a mother knows how much one can love a child and I believe Noah is one lucky little turtle. No one else in his life ever will be so hypervigiliant over his every little need and whim, so other focused that you forget about yourself and your needs. In my debatable anger I lashed out when I should have stayed on my side of the fence...haven't I learned anything from the years of therapy that my husband insisted I needed because I was damaged by my family of origin? I should have stayed in "I" language and expressed myself in theraspeak but I don't know how. Amy, you are an excellent mother because you care about how Noah felt in utero, now and forever and if he ever questions it, he only has to check the archives for being the most documented baby in America. I hope the guts stop wrenching and the hearts too. My sincere apology for ever questioning what you would teach Noah.


Oh, and Amalah, my sister-in-law actually knows someone who is a production assistant on this show!


Amy, funny stuff. Lori- thanks for all the links. I think you are a strong, wonderful
mother. Amy is also a very caring woman, just
read through the archives. I'm positive that she
will put up something on her blog so that
we can all donate and help children with
William's condition. I wish everyone the best
and hug those babies! Melissa


Wow, I'm kinda glad I haven't ever had the pleasure of watching this show now. Yikes, what a train wreck? I'd probably end up wanting to kill them ALL.

Here's hoping poor little Noah is feeling lots better very soon. And of course, he's still freaking adorable.


Listen Amalah, you can write whatever the hell you want. As long as it includes cussing and baby pictures!

Seriously? This was hilarious, and I don't even own a TV.


PS baby's first kisses?!?! A WHOLE ENTRY RIGHT THERE, JEEZ. I want details!

Nothing But Bonfires

God, what a waste of pies.

Dr. Johnny Fever

Noah, this is what happens when you drink beer before liquor. Don't you know the rhyme?


Aw, come on: you can quit your job and do this for a living, yes? I'm sure it could be self-supporting somehow . . .


Dude, we have re-runs of that show on cable in Australia and it lulls me to sleep every night. I suck. I do not deserve to post a comment on your awesome blog.


What's next? Watching re-runs of "COPS"? I weep for Daytime tv and those forced to watch it.

Big Gay Sam

You know I'm sitting here listening to Mercedes Sosa wail her dulcet sorrow over her beloved Argentina. Meanwhile I'm contemplating Utah's two laws that passed which prohibit domestic partner benefits and bans straight-gay alliance clubs in schools. During all this I'm looking at my chemo meds wondering if bald is beautiful for me. I have one sentence for that show. Get over it bitches! :P

There are bigger things to go psycho over.

You know. I've seen several Noah/Cieba combo pics but no combos of Noah and the cat. What's up with that? Does the kitty have a bit of a jealousy problem?

I have two siamese. I know your pain. :P

Munchkin's Mum

I have NO Idea what that show is (coz I'm in Australia) but sounds like something we could have here, more whinging people on T.V....maybe not.

Meanwhile, you poor thing! Noah sick again! But I must admit you have stuff over there that I have never heard of! Rotavirus (WTF?) Anyways, kids over here just get the usual colds from each other at Day care.

Hopefully that beautiful boy of yours gets better!


Enjoy your Starting Over while you can; I've got a birdie at Bunim/Murray who tells me the show got the axe. (I won't tell you that a little part of me died when he told me).

Fortunately, you can still get reruns of "Bachelorettes in Alaska", which is arguably more addictively insane than any spinospool day on SO.




feel better Noah, and seriously -haven't hear of the show but the recap was FUNNY!


Sorry about all the poop and vomit. Three showers today, really?

Today is one of the few days that I'm not sad about missing daytime television. This show sounds too crazy, even for me!!


Oh, the puke down the cleavage is just awful. Let's hope you don't experience the puke dribbles into your mouth. Ugh.

Feel better, Noah!


Lori and Amalah,
I believe that both of your little titans are very lucky indeed.

(Talk about lashing out Lori...this girly and mother constantly has her foot so far down her throat it may just be tickling my colon.)

But no matter what was said, this stands out like dog balls to me: You are both very passionate and devoted and loving Mothers. Looks to me that everyone (including the little turtles) wins.

Damaged by family origin? Holy shit! I could write a book on that. Were all human, after all. Your human-ness should never be used against you as a weapon :)

On a lighter note, theres nothing more glamourous that lots of stuff coming forth from both ends of a baby. Germie little buggers, you GOTTA love them.

I remember my daughter sitting on hubbys lap (and white shirt)...and this grumbling suddenly filled the room...and then we had a poo I wriggled on the floor with laughter, the curry-like poop decorated my husband and his beautiful white shirt....Unfortunately the poo is never ending! It was just yesterday that my husband had to break out the almost-bought clorox wipes to clean up the shopping cart.

Amalah, please keep going strong! Your entries make my (and many others) days...

(Ok, I JUST heard my husband camel-fart from the wonder my daughter has active bowels.....shhhesh!)


Camel-fart! I love it! At long last, a name for the affliction. Now if they could only find a cure.

Big Gay Sam

it's called a cork. :P

Oh and sorry for spelling Ceiba's name incorrectly. :(


Yeah, I uh, sorta used to watch that show for the train wreck aspect. But now I own my need to feel better about myself than those losers..err..I mean winners.


Unless I was a Startingover-aholic, I wouldn't have believed shows like that existed. I watch and laugh and cry and sometimes go to do the dishes when I get so irritated with the 'housemates'.
Last week I spent something like an hour and a half reading their message boards. Man, the women there need to be on the show! That was a very bad 'internet hangover' the next morning.
Jill is great:)


just shut up!
Starting Over bleeping House was HELD IN PURGATORY the whole damn time the olympics was on!
what the HELL was I supposed to iron to??

message boards?
did she say message boards?


I haven't been able to bring myself to watch that show yet. There is, as one of the above commenters noted, a sort of train-wreck aspect to it, and I get easily embarrased for others, so I don't think I could handle that show without my head exploding.

Sorry Noah's sick. I hope he feels better soon!


Poor babalah and more amalah and GOD please turn the channel next time!


OMG, i wish i had known that show was on yesterday. I was honme sick and watched (gulp) The Poseidon Adventure. Yes, I really did.


We just got over the vomit/diarrhea/screaming/hair pulling at our house. We had explosive diarrhea though - EWWWW!!

I am proud to say that I have never watched Starting Over. Am feeling very self-righteous. Halo shining bright.

Lost a few IQ points reading about it though.

Wicked Stepmom

Feel better Noahlah! Sickness has made it's way into our home too... The Boy was puking the other day and now has a nasty headcold (which is delaying his starting preschool this week which we know will bring in even more cooties into our home! GRRRR.)


See, now you just answered my question about being so excited about my new purse -- which CAME OUT IN FALL 2004.

I'm hanging my head in shame.

(Just kidding. Sort of ...)


I spit my turkey sammich onto the monitor when I read the line about Noah's French-kissing.

Happy Mardi Gras. I will be celebrating in about five hours by downing beers and singing karaoke.


I have NO idea what you're all talking about, but I'm suddenly so disappointed that we don't get this show in the UK.


Things I'm thankful for:
1) My child isn't currently projectile vomiting on me
2)My child doesn't have hydrocephalus
3) I haven't EVER watched and, thanks to this post, will NEVER WATCH Starting Over.


My husband and kids are sick too. :( Hope you feel better soon Noah!

Mama C-ta

Awww little babylah! Hope he's on his way to recovery. Poor guy. Great photos as always.

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