So I haven't written about breastfeeding for awhile. I bet whole dozens of you are wondering how that's going. Behold! The contents of my garbage bin! I find it always makes trash day EXTRA SPECIAL to toss out several hundred dollars worth of breastfeeding paraphernalia in one grand, sweeping gesture. (Okay, maybe I saved the unopened breastmilk storage containers.) (And the Avent pump.) (And maybe I have not actually thrown any of this stuff out yet, but simply moved it out of my kitchen cabinets and into a box, a box that is now sitting in our foyer, where it can either be taken to the trash room or scuttled upstairs to the storage area, and it awaits its fate with great fear and trembling.) ANYWAY, the point is that breastfeeding is over for us. When I was pregnant, I planned to nurse my baby for six months. Then reality set in, and reality was a SOUL CRUSHING BITCH, but I pledged to nurse him for six weeks, bloody thrush nipples and nursing strikes be DAMNED. And after six weeks I decided to shoot for six more weeks. By the time Noah was 12 weeks old he'd completely outgrown my... Read more →

Noah is sick. Diarrhea. Vomiting. Screaming. Hair-pulling. He's on outfit number seven so far and I've taken three showers to get vomit out of my hair, cleavage and/or ear canals. I also watched Starting Over. I know. I am deeply ashamed. But you know, I was kind of hoping for more spinospools, or some of the crazy sadistic shit y'all told me about, like grown women being dressed as babies and sent on playdates while their housemates throw cupcakes at them and their Life Coaches berate them for not taking ownership of their poor life choices, which certainly include appearing on this suckfest of a show. Or you know...something like that. One day, the remote will be mine, and I will never have to watch this crap again. I emailed Yvonne this morning and told her that I was actually PLANNING to watch Starting Over, like NOT EVEN BY ACCIDENT, and made a joke that perhaps I would liveblog it. She ordered me to do just that and has been yelling at me all day about it, like she thinks she invented the restraining order or something, and...well. This is your entry for today! It's Y's fault if you have... Read more →

Part the First! In case you missed the edit to yesterday's post, you can purchase a Save the Boobies onesie of your very very own at the BoobieBrigade CafePress shop. All proceeds go to the Susan G. Komen Foundation. Part the Second! In case you are tired of all the whining and the sad and the puke around here, perhaps a visit to the Gallery of Disturbing Baby Clothes would be a nice diversion? No, seriously. This is what I do with my life on the weekends. Well, this and change poopy diapers. And drinking, but...that's...probably pretty obvious. Enter the Gallery of Disturbing Baby Clothes... Read more →

So I called my mom last night, mostly to bore someone besides Jason with a very long diatribe about work, about daycare, about staying home, about money, about spending the majority of my precious moments with Noah getting crapped on, and about whatever else was bugging me out yesterday. I took a breath after 20 minutes or so, and finally got around to asking how she was doing. I figured we'd talk some more about Amber, our sweet old dog, who was put to sleep last week after a long battle with Everything, and I didn't tell you guys about that because I'm just too damn sad to talk about it. She was a good dog, and I never got to say goodbye, unless you count last Christmas when I really, really hope I remembered to pet her. Goodbye, Old Paint. But we didn't talk about Amber last night, at least not right away. They found a lump. Another goddamn lump. In her other breast. Her only breast. We're starting all over again. And I have no words. I do, however, have an appropriate onesie (which you can find here). And a bunch of Very Good Links You Should Click... Read more →

Yes, I'd love to post an entry too. Would LOVE it. Would find it DELIGHTFUL. But it's kind of hard, what with all the sobbing helplessly at my desk and the stress and the let's-not-get-fired nonsense and also, I found out this morning that my daycare center requires a doctor's note for Pedialyte. PEDIALYTE, WHICH IS FUCKING GATORADE. YOU BUY IT AT THE GROCERY STORE. SHOULD I PROVIDE A NOTE FOR FORMULA TOO NOW? I AM NOT DRAGGING MY CHILD TO THE DOCTOR OVER EVERY CASE OF THE RUNS WHAT WITH A $20 CO-PAY AND A $15 FORM FEE AND MISSED WORK JUST TO GET YOU A FORM TO COVER YOUR ASS BECAUSE OF MY INSANE DESIRE TO MAKE SURE MY BABY IS PROPERLY REHYDRATED, ESPECIALLY SINCE HE GOT THE DIARRHEA FROM YOUR CENTER IN THE FIRST PLACE. AN OUNCE OR TWO IS ALL I WAS ASKING AND I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU STOPPED ACTING LIKE I WANTED YOU TO ROLL HIM SOME SWEET, SWEET MEDICINAL MARIJUANA. NEXT TIME I AM LYING AND CALLING IT APPLE JUICE AND YOU CAN SUCK IT. What, is the yelling a bit much? Now, before anybody dares jump on me about sending a baby... Read more →

OH HELL NO. HELLLLLLLLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Except yes! Jason and I are sick as very sick dogs again. With the puking all night and whining all day. When I posted about the Food Poisoning Adventure, a couple smart people suggested that it was maybe not food poisoning at all, but a stomach virus Noah brought home from daycare. I read their suggestions and nodded and filed that away as a likely cause, but for narrative simplicity I stuck with the food poisoning story online, because I am lazy and it was just deliciously poetic that the foodies got food poisoning and are still to this day absolutely terrified of pupusas. Now I'm thinking that virus thing was a good call, because Jason and I made our own damn non-pupusa dinner last night with just-purchased ingredients and once again, one of us got sick and then the other followed suit about an hour later. This time it was Jason who got sick first, around 1 a.m., and I lay in bed in terror because I'd been fighting some nausea for about an hour by then, and when I heard the hideous sounds of retching coming from downstairs I knew I was getting... Read more →

Guess what! I am not posting today. At all! In fact, this post you are reading right now is nothing more than a crazy hallucination and you should probably call a doctor about that. I'd have a really clever photo caption here if my dog's name was Tyler Durden, but it's not so I have nothing. So it's doubly good that I am not actually posting any photos. However! The good news is that I am the featured blogger over at mommybloggers.com, and you can go over there and read a 100% original interview with me today and a 100% recycled entry from me tomorrow, because I was too damn riveted by all this Olympic curling nonsense (It's a sport with brooms, and I love it! Help!) to sit down and write anything original. The first rule about Nap Club is that you don't talk about Nap Club. (Confidential to Molly: Thanks so much for the coffee, and I'm sorry I ate your muffin.) (Not posting! Move along!) Read more →

(Y'all! Thank you so much for all the awesome diaper tote suggestions. I want about ten of them. At least. Oh wait, did I see that one before? Shit. Now I want eleven. And because together we've pretty much covered the Entire Universe of Cool Diaper Bags for the Non-Frumpy Mama, I'm going to pool all the suggestions and create a shopping guide. Because I have ALWAYS wanted to create a shopping guide of some sort, but have been too lazy to actually research it my damn self. So...thank you for doing all the work. Suckers.) Last night we went out for dinner (u could save that $ and stay home! wh0RE!). Noah fell asleep during the car ride to the restaurant (if u loved Noah u would sell that car t00 and walk everywhere!), and Jason dropped me off while he went to find parking. I went in, got our table and happily settled in with the wine list (OMFG!) and waited for Jason and Noah to join me. Minutes later, Jason arrived. I waved and he casually strolled over and sat down. I stared at him for a few seconds. I took a deep breath. I focused on... Read more →

Reason #47549234 Why IKEA Is Out To Destroy Me: This morning, as I went to retrieve my keys from our adorable PAVO cabinet (I painted it purple! I am so craftsy!), the little dowel-like knob thing went flying through the air and landed in places unknown. After crawling around on the floor for some time, cursing IKEA and dust bunnies and this job that makes me leaving the fucking house in the first place, like do they not understand what a damn challenge that is, I gave up and attempted to open the key cabinet without the knob. MOTHER OF GOD, IT WOULD NOT OPEN. IT WOULD NOT SURRENDER MY KEYS. I used my fingers, a pen and a fork in an attempt to jar the stupid thing open, while thinking that hey! What I could really use to open this thing would be a nice, pointy key! Fuck you! I finally yanked the whole cabinet off the wall and shook it violently until my keys came unhooked and blew the door open from the inside. My keys are Jack Bauer, apparently. Then I collected my keys, baby and bag (more on THAT later, grr) and stepped outside, only to... Read more →

...You get reruns, apparently. One year ago today, we saw this for the first time: And we heard this for the first time. And I was relieved. And I cried. And then Jason gave me this while I tried not to vomit: It's been a really good year. Happy Valentine's Day, y'all. I would send you cards and flowers but I am way too cynical and jaded to get mushy over a stupid Hallmark holiday or whatever. *is totally blubbering over here with the mush, oh my god* Read more →