Oh, the Litigations You'll See
The Day After Tomorrow

Mercury Retrograded



A powernap might be in order about halfway through too.

So I was picked for a jury on Thursday.

I've never been picked before. The last time I had jury duty I spent about two hours in the Juror's Lounge watching Ken Burn's baseball documentary, then about 45 minutes in a hallway outside a courtroom being lined up randomly by juror number, then re-lined up even more randomly, and then we all filed into the courtroom where the defendant took one look at us and decided to plead guilty to whatever.

I don't know why. Perhaps we all just had that pro-death-penalty look about us or something.

Then I was sent home, and in a fit of goodwill towards man I donated my $4 travel fee to the city.

This time, I said I would be keeping my goddamned travel fee, thank you very much, City Who Called Me For Service While I Was On Maternity Leave And So Did Not Care About My Squawling Breastfed Infant And Only Let Me Defer Service And Promised Use Of Some Kind Of Closet For Pumping.

I also only spent about 20 minutes in the Juror's Lounge before being called to a courtroom, which was fine, because OH GOD THE ODORS, and they were STILL showing that damned baseball thing, and the TV near my seat was on the fritz, which made the documentary look exactly like scrambled porn.

This time, there was no big elaborate lining up process, as they just called our numbers and hustled us right in. And I was immediately struck with the realization that I was far too close to the front of the line, and if more than two people ahead of me were dismissed, I was going to be on the jury.

So I held out hope that there would be SOMETHING offensive about me -- did I know the lawyers? The witnesses? Had I magically become a lawyer that morning? Had Jason magically become a cop? Was one of the questions going to be about bloggers? Or about people who just really, really don't like being bored and therefore should be allowed to go home?

My only "yes" response to any of the questions was the one about being a victim of a gun-related crime, which I was, kind of, because my cat was shot by a teenager with a BB gun when I was four and it was very sad and I thought maybe the lawyers wouldn't want some girl with a pet-related vendetta against people with guns.

Unfortunately, I could not pull off acting like some girl with a pet-related vendetta. I just ended up looking like some girl who was really desperate to Not Get Picked.

I got picked. Fuckers.

The trial started late in the day on Thursday, but was then recessed until Monday morning because the judge had some kind of scheduling conflict on Friday.

So the trial will actually be a whole other entry, because today I must tell you about Friday, also known as the Day That Did Not Like Amy Very Much At All.

DISCLAIMER: You are probably going to think that I am lying. No, not probably. You are going to read this entry and go, "That Amy person is a goddamned liar."  Every person that I have told this story to has nodded politely yet incredulously, and then informed me that I am 100% full of shit, but I swear to God, every damn word of this is true.

I woke up Friday morning and broke my toe. On the vacuum cleaner. At 5 a.m.

I tripped over the vacuum and literally HEARD the little fucker crack, the same little pinkie toe fucker that I keep breaking, over and over and over, to the point of ridiculous, because at this rate, one of these days I'm going to put my shoes on and my toe will just snap the fuck off.

Anyway, some people might think that this might be a sign to go back to bed.

(Or even to go the fuck back to bed, in keeping with the near non-stop stream of profanity I've got going so far.)

But I did not go back to bed. I got up and hobbled on and put Noah in the car and drove all the way out to Maryland, pulled up to his daycare center and realized that I'd left the diaper bag, the one with all his bottles and food and other essentials, at home.

I thought about just running to the grocery store and buying some random brand of bottle and some pre-mixed formula, but then I remembered that Noah had a Poop Incident the day before, just like the day before that, and no longer had a spare outfit in his cubby.

(The increased frequency of Poop Incidents are completely my fault, as Noah needs bigger diapers, but I am stubborn and cheap and am making his daycare use that entire damn package of Size Twos before I bring in a package of Size Threes, because I said so.)

So if there was another Poop or Spit-Up Incident, they'd just make me take Noah home. I ran through my workday and remembered a meeting that I could not miss that afternoon, especially not because of POOP, and I realized that bah, I needed to go back home and get the damn bag.

So I did. I drove all the fuck back to DC.

The goddamned prep school kids had taken all the street parking, so I parked a little too close to a stop sign, ran in (well, lumbered in, with Noah, who is outgrowing clothes even faster than diapers) and grabbed the bag. Which was sitting DIRECTLY in front of the exersaucer, from which I'd plucked Noah from that morning before heading out, which meant I had to PURPOSELY SIDESTEP the bag to get to the front door.

When I got back to the car, I had a $30 parking ticket.

I drove back to Maryland.

I pulled back into the daycare parking lot.

I got out, unbuckled Noah, locked the car with the remote, gathered the bag and the baby up and shut the car door.

As it shut, for one brief split second, I saw my keys sitting on the backseat.

I locked.

My keys.

In the car.



Have y'all seen The Money Pit? Do you remember when the bathtub fell through the ceiling? And Tom Hanks just stared down through the hole in the floor and laughed like a crazy person?

That was me. Although once I got inside Noah's daycare I totally started to cry.

In a brilliant streamlining move, I'd left my purse in the car, along with my wallet and cell phone. I asked to use the daycare's phone, although I had no idea who to call. My Subaru roadside assistance card was in my wallet. Jason's number was on speed dial.

(Hi. I don't actually know my husband's cell phone number. Yes. I am not making this up. Take away my speed dial and you take away my ability to function at any passable level in the world.)

But! In the one brief shining moment! The universe decided to stop whaling on me! One of the teachers at daycare was a locksmith! She kept a slimjim in her car! They would get her for me! It was all going to be okay!

Yeah, except that she did not have the slimjim with her that day. Because she TOOK IT OUT OF HER CAR THE NIGHT BEFORE.

This time, I sort of combined the HAAAA HAAAAA HAA HA AAAAHAA laughter with sobbing.

The center directors kind of backed away from me and I never saw them again.

The teacher, however, took pity on me and called her boyfriend, who was also a locksmith, and who was only 15 minutes away and would come help me directly.

And he did, and it took both of them to unlock the car, because I couldn't remember which button unlocked the doors and once I remembered, I told them to hit the button in the wrong direction.

I don't blame the guy for charging me $20, which I paid for with three crumpled up five-dollar bills, four ones, three quarters, two dimes and a nickel I found in the ashtray.

I got to work at noon. AT NOON.

I borrowed a dollar from someone, got some Ramen noodles from the vending machine, and opened my email to read that my meeting that afternoon had been canceled.


My friend Spencer listened to my tale of woe, pretended like he TOTALLY believed all that stuff actually happened to one person, and later brought me a balloon animal to cheer me up. A balloon animal with another, tinier balloon animal inside of it.


It's a dingo. And it ate your baby.

I may still be laughing about that, a little bit.

Tomorrow: The Curious Incident of the Gun on the Floor of the Car at the Club



Sweet Jesus Woman! Go back to bed! Heavens what a day. And I totally believe you.

Oh - I think your toes are mad at you for wearing pointy shoes. :o)

Hope the rest of your week goes better - can't wait to hear more!


In some mysterious way The Toe of Wrath had the power to screw up your entire day. What a magical toe you have.


i thought you were going to say that noah was locked in the car. so that was good.

if it makes you feel any better, i keep refusing to buy myself larger panties, so i understand the struggle.


Oh lord, ya gotta love the crap life throws at ya sometimes. Don't forget to breathe.


I'm just thrilled I'm not the only person who doesn't know their husbands phone number either.


so yeah, what's even better is that I visualized that entire loathsome day with you *limping* through it, because of the toe. Thanks for the mean little laugh I just got, and really, sorry about that day.


Grrr. it said only 1 comment and now there are a bunch more! I read too damn slow!!!

I would've totally given up once I forgot the diaper bag. You have determination my dear Amy!!!


Well, now that I've finished wiping spewed Coke off my monitor, congrats on your sucky day. I've been checking this silly site like a crack addict gone bad ALL FREAKIN DAY. And last night. And yesterday afternoon.

Cute pic of Noah sleeping.

Glad I'm not you though. Other than the punkin, your life kinda sucks right now.

But that's soooo good for me, and my twisted sense of humor as I read your ever-entertaining saga.



And where the crap do you buy a baby-eating dingo?

Must be a Yankee thing.


I think I just had a poop incident I laughed so hard at the dingo-ate-my-baby balloon. You don't see the guy at the zoo making those! That's talent!


Oh my.

I would've just went back to bed. Or called in half dead.

Atleast you didn't lock Noah inside of the car with the keys. That's your ray of sunshine in it all. I hope anyway......


I completely believe you because I have had horrible days like this! And once you break a toe- you always break it over and over! Ugh! I do have to say I laughed so hard over your balloon animal. My BF and I always say "the dingo ate my baby! Hope this Friday is better!


I've done the too-cheap-to-buy-the-next-size-diaper thing too. Toys R Us has a big diaper sale going on now, by the way!


Um, I don't know if you know this, but your Friday sucked! Wow. That is a bad day. I'm going to quit bitching about my bad day right about now, because it isn't even in the same galaxy as yours. But? The day ended, and it had to get better from there, right? Right? (I really hope it got better.)


If I could, I'd send you a nice bottle of wine your way. Geez, what a day!


I don't know my husband's phone number either. And thank you for sharing your tale of a shitty day because I have had a shitty week (although all my bones are intact. so far.) and now I feel a little better.


Ok um IS THAT REALLY NOAH? Because wow, where'd that gorgeous little boy come from?


I think you just provided the perfect arguement for stay at home moms everywhere. Maybe if you could just ask your employer to make your work hours noon to five?
Seriously, I hope today was a better day!


That is one horrible day. Even on my worst days I've never had one that bad, mostly because I've never broken a bone.

If it makes you feel any better, I locked my keys in the car the other week, with the dog still in the car. I'm now training him to unlock doors.

The guy who brought you the dingo who ate the baby is totally awesome!


A person who works at the daycare is a locksmith? Either that's brilliant or a bit scary - I'm not sure which.


Do dads have days like this,too? There's just too much to remember and and not enough brain to remember it all! Hope your trial was interesting and you're sailing through this week!

mama speak

Phoeby made me laugh water out my nose. The poop incident with the dingo comment was just too much for me. I'm still sitting her giggling.

I too have had days this bad, I believe you. Here's how it could've been worse. The baby could've still been in the car (I have done this). Thankfully it is over. And you can drink heavily if you want to.


good god.

i'm sure i would have given up and run home to hide under the covers after all that.

did you at least have a less catastropical (wow, is that a word?) weekend?


That balloon animal? Best Balloon Animal In The History Of Time. Ever.

Also, that day mothereffing sucks.


okay, shit.


i even misspell the words i think i'm making up. damned keyboard. ...yeah, that's it.


Oh, Amy, how my toe hurts for you. And how my sides ache from laughing. Because it was supposed to be a funny post, right? Oh, sorry. It's so good to have you back and I look forward to part 2 of Jury Duty.

Oh, and if your toe does indeed snap off, on the bright side you won't have to worry about breaking it again. Not too comforting, I know, but I tried!

Hannah B.

Apparently the toe knows. Next time, be proactive and just go back to bed. Screw meetings-that-can't-be-missed-but-then-get-canceled.


Holy Crap! Unfortunately, that sounds exactly like something I would do/would happen to me. I'd say that it can only get better from here, but... I know better.


oh wow Amy....all I can say is wow. No, I totally believe you. I have had days like that, not all in the SAME day...but I have bad luck sometimes too. But maybe, just maybe there was sort of horrible incident that you actually avoided by being caught up in these crazy bizzarre turn of events. That's really the only way you can look at it without totally losing your mind!


wow...hilarious...sad. hilariously sad? at least that full moon stuff is over now, right?

Heather B.

for the record; I totally believed you when you told that story. I swear.


It's funny how we don't listen to ourselves when bad things happen. Like when our car wouldn't start yesterday after stopping to get gas. Then it did start and nay, we did defy the signs and drove - yeah, until it broke down again getting off of 495, Awesome!


Whew, I don't know my husband's cell phone number either. Or his work number. Or my mom's cell phone number. Oh and the only reason I know my best friend's phone number is because the last four numbers translate into FUN1.

Love the "Dingo ate your baby" balloon animal. Sorry about your toe though. Ouchie.


I believe you completely. I too have had days like this. And it sucks.


Apparently the toe knows.

It's a Magic Eight Toe. The question was, "Should I go to work today?" and the answer was "Hell No!"


Whyohwhyohwhy are people's misfortunes grist for the humor mill? Because we are vile, mean creatures...mwah ha ha!!!!!!!! Really funny story...sorry! ;)


Yeah...I wouldn't have been so much for the making it past the broken toe at 5 AM part of that day.

You need a drink my friend. Lots and lots of them.


coulda been worse, I suppose....you could've locked YOUR KID in the car....


Dude. Thank god days like that only happen once in a blue moon.
I hope you got a long hot bath and some wine after all that.

Mrs X

I hate days like that.


I'm pretty sure that I just peed in my pants (because of your awesome story. Which, btw, I might steal and use as my own...).
Not good because:
a) I'm wearing a skirt (with bare legs...what was I thinking? It's too damn cold in DC for bare legs today.)
and b) I have a "very important" work-related reception to go to this evening.

How will I ever explain the pee stain on my skirt? Maybe I should keep a spare outfit at work like Noah?


When I read the part about your meeting being canceled, I actually said, "Oh, noooooo" to my computer screen. Hope life's gotten better for you since then!


I also have a toe which I break repeatedly. Last time it was while walking and tripping over a rug. I totally feel your pain.


Yesterday at work, a dog, eager to get bathed, apparently (and what kind of weirdo dog wants to get bathed?), slammed into the little swinging door just as I was stepping up to open it and RAMMED my toenail into my toe. Here's how bad it was, I almost said 'Motherfucker' in front of my sweet, nice, undoubtedly Baptist customer.

One man who witnessed it gave me a 10 dollar tip for my pain (and possibly as a reward for not saying Motherfucker).

Who did I think of immediately, while the pain was still radiating from my toe into my brain? Why, Amalah, of course!

I hope your toe feels better. As for mine, I'm gonna go buy some steel-toed shoes, damnit. I hope they have some cute ones.



It's a dingo. And it ate your baby. That is so damn funny!


That could only happen in DC.

And that would be why my daycare is close to the house, since I drive 47 miles one way to work.

Sorry your day sucked ass.


My God. What, you didn't want to leave any bad luck for the rest of us?


Holy shit, that is like the WORST DAY EVER. (If you watch Simpsons, read that in Comic Book Guy voice.) Yeah, definitely good thing Noah wasn't in the car when you locked it. Imagine the poop accident that could've resulted from THAT.


First time commenter! :o)

Wow... I've had craziness like that happen, so I totally believe you!

In a totally unrelated note, I just recently found out about you, and read through all your archives. (yes, I'm a big dork, and I'm a little star-struck now). Thanks for being so honest with all that you've been through. It helps people out there. :)

Vaguely Urban

You know in Julius Cesar, the whole, "Beware the Ides of March" thing?

Makes the fact that you posted that nightmare of a day on March 15 *extremely* fitting.

On the flip side, think whole comfy your pointy-ass shoes will be once that toe finally does snap.


You're so full of crap! ;)
Just kiddin. So sorry you had such a bad day. Love the balloon animal, that guy deserves a hug!


Well I don't know Jason's cell phone number, either.


Oh, Jesus -- I've had days like that too. Just be grateful you didn't lock Noah in the car as another parent at my daycare did.
What a sucky day.

My advice is a nice glass (hmm..or bottle) of wine and chocolate on days like that.


I heard the story second hand from Spence and I still couldn't believe it. But the balloon animal rocked the hizzy.


Wow, that was a bad day! The dingo is awesome, though.

All along I've been thinking that there's something wrong with my boyfriend and me because we don't know each other's phone numbers. I feel much better now!


Ha! I'm #55 - where's my doorprize??

What a creepy ass day, although at least it provided you with posting material. Me? I have to come up with shit about buying a stupid handbag.

Real Girl

Aww, that sucks. But the balloon is truly superb.

I'm always rushed and forgetting/screwing things up, so I can relate to your horrible predicament, and I hope it makes you feel better to know that whole droves of smart people do stupid, stupid things.


I admit that, thanks to speed-dial, I don't know my husband's work number. (It's programmed into both my work and my cell phones, so I'm double-insulated.)

Also - two weeks ago I dropped my cell phone into the toilet after having a pee. !!! All of my cell phones seem to want to go to the sewer... I dropped the previous one in a storm drain.

Looking forward to the trial story... hope you got to vent your wrath on someone who builds vacuum cleaners!


Oh my god. What an absolutely mind-bogglingly shitty day. But you'll be able to look back on it and laugh eventually, if you aren't already--your description of it certainly had me rolling in the floor. Remember that I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing WITH you, or near you, or something. . .

I am also very very grateful that Honda, in all their wisdom, designed my keyfob so that I CANNOT lock the doors with it until all the doors are shut, which makes it pretty impossible to lock the keys in the car. Because I've been there, at 2AM and drunk, and it's not a fun place to be.

Here's hoping your days have gotten better since Friday. Hang in there, girl!


nice. you kiss your kid with that mouth?


Ok, first: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaa!

Second, I am sorry for laughing at your day of sorrow, but lord almightly was that funny.

Hope your weekend was better.


Sorry for your day, but thanks for the laugh.....

(and yes, I did believe you)

Bozoette Mary

I love that balloon animal. I must know how to make it!


Hell fucking yeah, Ken.

I also hold him with these typing fingers.


Days like that suck.

I'm sorry your day was so bad. I've definitely been there lately...today, in fact. Maybe not quite as bad as your day, but still -- it's a similar bad things heaped upon bad things chain of events.

I hope you don't have another day like that again anytime soon.

Melissa F.

I don't want to laugh, but HA! Okay, now that it's out of the way, I don't know how you dragged yourself to work! And here I thought that there was something wrong with me because I have my husband's cell number written next to my desk and every one asks why I don't know it! Even if I know the phone number, I have to type it out on a phone because that's the only way I can remember. Hope you have a better Friday this week :)


The one advantage to breaking your toe multiple times is that you stop freaking out and thinking, "I need to go to the doctor for this." Instead you go, "Screw it I can tape up my own damn toe and save the $ to buy more shoes since my toe is swollen and won't fit in any of my current shoes." and new shoes cancel out broken toes in my world.
Or at least that is what I thought Sunday morning after I broke mine.


Bless your heart. I can't help but have a sympathetic chuckly for you. I hope you next month is wonderful just to offset your bad day.



The universe is a sadistic SOB, huh? Of course, I must have some sadist in me too, because I laughed out loud when I got to the part about the meeting being canceled. OF COURSE the meeting was canceled.


the kim half of glamorouse

My day started at 2am.
Talk to the hand Lady, talk to the hand.


Your toe? My mom's little toe evidently was broken at some point and healed at a funny angle, so her orthopedist just took out the bone. Which. No more broken toe. Though we did use to tease her about her flabby toe. Just a thought.


You don't need to post this if you don't want to, but as a former SIX WEEK DC juror and someone who works in a law firm, I wanted to give you some heartfelt and non-critical advice (this is NOT assvice!): do NOT talk about your trial on the web!!!! I sat on a homicide jury, and even in cases where someone by proximity just had a gun, things had the potential for getting nasty for jurors, and we were warned by the prosecutors. A lot of people in DC, as you know, are serial criminals, and have even been known to pursue jurors or threaten them. Because of your high profile website and of course, the details in it, it would not be hard for someone to track you down, even just to harass you. It could also compromise the trial. I wouldn't advise talking about any of it, except maybe to joke about what it's like to be a juror. Please be careful. I like to read your stories and see Noah's pics, and you don't need any added anxiety in your life. Anne H.


Wow. That was one helluva day. Calgon! Stat!!



I've had days like that too! On the bright side, no one needed stitches or major medical intervention.


I hate that your Supremely Fucking Awful Day made me laugh until I choked, but thank you for that anyway.

Karma rules say that you are now owed the universe's version of a little ceramic statue with its arms spread out for a hug ("I'm saaawwwwy"...). Chin up.


De-lurking to say that's got to be the funniest thing I've ever read. I thought I was having a bad day a couple of weeks ago on Moving Day when I had to lug boxes of books up and down stairs during a snowstorm when I had the flu AND got a flat tire. That may have been the longest day of my life, but I must admit there were no broken bones involved.


Spencer, you effin' rock! Amy, I absolutely believe that all happened to you today and that only immersing yourself in a bottle of wine tonight will make it all better.


oh, schadenfreude...

To quote "Avenue Q":

"Happiness at the misfortune of others? That IS German!!"

Hope everything else (including your Mommy - how's she doing, we're thinking of her!) is on the up and up

Wacky Mommy

Cheese and rice, what a day! (Does not have the impact of "Fucking hell, what a day!")

Your hair still looks good, girl. Even when you're face now. Remember, Elmo loves you.


First, can I just say Noah looks impossibly cute in that sleepy pic? The red cheeks and the pretty hair --which he obviously got from his mommalah-- make him look sooooo edible!

And second, your friday? Suckiness all over. And I do believe you, because I've had days like that, more often than I'd like.

But your weekend improved after that, right? Right?


Oh, and by the way, THE DINGO ATE YOUR BAYYYBEEE!!!

Thanks for making me look like a nut. Everyone at work is staring at me like I've got leprosy or something.


Holy Crap Girl...what a day! And you know, I totally believe every word. Sorry 'bout the busted toe. I broke my toe when I was five months pregnant. Sucks. I was feeling all sad for your woefull day and then BAM! the dingo comment hit me and I almost fell off my chair. Hilarious stuff, thanks. Feel better.


Oh Amy, you are a goddamn liar! Jebus, you're full of shit :P

Dude, days like that are what I have nightmares about. I didn't actually think they happend!

P.S. I found your site through a couple of infertility blogs. I live in the Aus. and I am infertile cos the dingoes keep eating my bloody babies (ooo was that in bad taste ... HAHAHA I don't care!)


I am laughing so hard right now and trying not to pee since I am 6 mos pregnant. VERY VERY funny. Not to you, but to your loyal readers.

Here is something that might make you feel better. I have been reading your blog for about 3 months now, and just this week I realized that "Amalah" is pronounced "AIM-ah-lah" and not "ah-MAHL-ah". I only figured it out from "babalah" after saying out loud, "What's 'bah-bah-lah?'". Then I realized it was "bay-bah-lah", and that you must be "AIM-ah-lah".

And I really am not a dumbass. Hee hee.


What I would like to know is, the little balloon thing inside the dog, was it shaped like a baby? Cause that would be freakin' hilarious.

Sorry about your poor toe. You don't know your husband's cell phone number? I froze up the other day when someone asked me MY cell phone number. It's not like I call myself, you know. I also couldn't remember my husband's home email address. Why would I? I don't send him emails at home from home after all.


So sorry about your day. When it rains, it freaking pours though, especially when you're a Mom. At least you didn't lock Noah in the car!

Just Linda

I totally believe every last word, even that the balloon animal dingo ate the baby balloon animal. Bastard.


Danielle--I've known for over a year that it's "AIM-ah-lah" and I still say "bah-bah-lah." "Bay-bah-lah" never even occurred to me. How's that for genius?

Nicole P

I'll be standing in the genuis corner with Frema. Bah-bah-lah is just more fun to say....well that's my story and I'm sticking with it.

And I.want.the.dingo.balloon.

No really, I do.

Nicole P

And your vacuum is obviously vengeful and mean. If it keeps jumping out at you, maybe it should be reminded how easily it is for you to "accidentally" drop it down the stairs. That'll learn it.


Yikes! But hey! you survived your horrible, no good, very bad, dingo eating baby day! And surviving is good. Especially when Beyonce sings it. ;) Sorry about le toe!


The way that Noah's lower lip is jauntily tilted in that picture? Precious.

I'm astonished by a lot in this entry, but mostly that they can force you into jury duty while breastfeeding, for the love of Pete.


I believe it just because it is that fucking sucky.

I'm sorry you had a day like that, babe.

At least you have a Noah (and Jason) to come home to!




Wow. Next time I think I'm having a bad day I'm going to remember yours and realize that things are actually pretty good.
I hope that every day since then has been 200% better.


What a crap day.

That said, I am very envious of your ability to write about it in such a hilarious way. I just whine.


OK - now you've made me late for work, because I've had to read the post and .all. the comments. What a terrible day for you! (but you've started mine with a laugh!)


p.s. what's Noah been throwing?


Oh G-d!! Thanks for the laugh (altough it is a more with you than at you kind)... I fully believe you, cos i've had similar days - but yours tops EVERYTHING!


I totally believe your story.I woke up this morning feeling like today will be a bad day, but your story gave me hope cause it just doesn't get any worse than what you went through. I hope your toe feels better.

Also, you should keep a diaper bag in the car. Just a suggestion.

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