Six Months

We Are All Totally Going to Die of the Chicken Pox!

Internet Lesson #47934780843: Do not ask the Internet for medical advice or opinions of any kind. Seriously. You may think it's kind of cute or that you'll get some reassurance that you are indeed freaking out about nothing, but no. You will be told that you are going to die.

Internet Lesson #99384672368: Do not talk about vaccines. AT ALL. You will be told that you are stupid, wrong, misinformed and also, totally going to die.

Parenthood Lesson #17: HEAT RASH, DUMBASS.

You know, considering that I STILL get emails from people suggesting diaper rash remedies, you'd think I would learn that me + rashes + the Internet = neverending insanity.

I also had a whole long thing typed up about the chickenpox vaccine thing -- exactly why I plan to pass on it at Noah's 12-month visit, why I want to delay it, why "delay" does not mean "never ever,"  why I do not need to be told how terrible chickenpox is for older children and adults, because this has pretty much been one of my biggest fears since adolescence besides having to outrun an erupting volcano someday, why I would never let Noah grow up with that same fear, why it's all a balancing act of getting sick vs. vaccination vs. which option provides the best lifelong protection, how I got the first shot of the vaccine at 20 years old and became too sick to receive the second shot yet received absolutely no immunity benefits, and also why I would never ever judge anyone for making a different decision regarding their child's health or tell them that they are going to die.

But then I deleted it. Meh.

Anyway, Noah's rash was good old-fashioned heat rash. It started on the belly and then spread to his back and underarms, and since teething has made him sort of miserable and even a little feverish, I once again convinced myself that it was the pox, the pox we are all totally going to die from, and there you have it. A few cool sponge baths and a couple hours sans clothing cleared it right up, and I am officially a Spaz.

Also: Not talking about it anymore. Really. As of the end of this sentence. Right...here. Period.


Anyway, today I actually want to update y'all on my mom, since so many of you have been so nice to ask about her.

She was originally scheduled to have a lumpectomy on April 24th. APRIL. TWENTY-FOURTH. This was...kind of annoying, because what the hell do you do in the meantime? Oh yes, there's a lump. A lump that was not there six months ago, and now it is, how about that, let's give it another two months before we do a single fucking blessed thing about it!

I taught myself to cross-stitch in the meantime; that's how crazy the whole thing drove me.

My poor mom, in the meantime, developed vertigo AND got a pelvic ultrasound, because piling on is FUN, and hooray, there's something wrong there too.


So now, on top of the lumpectomy, she needs a D&C to determine if she does indeed have uterine cancer. It could be nothing. We're hoping for nothing. We like nothing. Let's hear it for the Seinfeldian uterus!

Of course, the good news is that hey, perhaps APRIL TWENTY-FOURTH is not really such a great idea anymore. So both procedures will take place on April 7th.

*crosses arms, stares at calendar, thinks about learning how to knit*





Sigh. All better now. Thank you, monkeyturtletoes.



Everyday is a learning experience, like, can Noah get any cuter. And today, we learn, yes he can.

The Dlug


1--Best wishes to your mom
2--I changed my sign-in name to my last name because there are a lot of crazies Laura's around here
3--You keep posting funny/interesting things to say nearly EVERY DAY now how am I supposed to have time to live my life if I have to keep checking the computer!?!?!??



Wishing your mum all the best. And you too. I'll be praying!

Also, yay, first!


Bah, not first. Grr!

But Noah's toes do make it all better :)


Oh A-

I hope things will be alright for her. I really do. I will keep all of you in my thoughts.

And yes, you do need to pick up knitting as well. Because hello? Noah's first Tball game is like, right around the corner and you need to be knitting, while you carry on chitchat with the other momma's and call Noah over to reapply sunscreen and insist he take a few sips of water.



weaker vessel

Holy shinto, dude! What's up with the cosmic curses and Job-like trials and tribulations? Well, at least Noah's thing was heat rash rather than that rare, instantly lethal, volcano-dwelling strain of mumps.

Good vibes, good vibes, good vibes, and three cheers for monkeytoes and Subversive Cross-stitch with a mission.


I hope your mom pulls through and is able to hang her FUCK CANCER cross stitch in her living room. Because really. Nothing says love like a cross stitch from her daugther that says FUCK CANCER.

P.S. I got the heat rash when I was 11 and I thought I had AIDS, so you're not the only hypochondriac.


i'm so sorry to hear about your mom. i'll be sending good vibes her way.

i thought you were a complete crazy ass yesterday with the vaccine comment -- not because of the decision you made regarding the vaccine but because you actually told the internet about your decision. don't you realize yet that over half of your readers are just here to tell you how horrible you're doing at this parenting thing? oh, and let's not forget you're totally selfish as well. :)

also, you're only on parenting lesson number #17? damn, i'm at about #4,327,239 and my little man is only 3 weeks older than yours. i must have been dumb ass hell to start with.


Wow!! A second ago there were 0 (zero) comments and now there are 6 (six). I am impressed!!

I hope your mom gets better. Hoping for Nothing. Nothing is Good.

Yep, asking the internet for medical advice is like expecting...well...truth on the internet (anyone wanna Neiman-Marcus cookie?).


eeesh....sorry to hear about your mom. My father-in-law is just getting over vertigo, so I know how miserable it is. Well, I don't personally know, but I know how miserable HE seemed to be.

And as for cancer? FUCK IT.


Amy, I really hope everything with your mom turns out well.

My aunt is currently fighting breast cancer, and sometimes the doctors really make me say WTF?!


ambrosia: I'm only at Parenting Lesson #17 because I've failed at Parenting Lessons #18 - #284973596342. Am slow learner.


Cancer fucking sucks. My mom is currently recovering from breast cancer, but still every time the phone rings and I see "home" on caller id, a little pang of fear strikes at my heart. Just know that if thinking good thoughts could work miracles your mom would be fine with all of the positive crap I'm sending your way!

And that is one cute little boy.


Similar thing just happened to my neighbor -- she went in for her MMG and they found like 6 lumps. I think she will be seeing the DR sometime in early 2008 -- you know, the soonest thay can get her in. (Just kidding -- she does have to wait 6 weeks though) It just baffles me that cancer is treated like, well, chicken pox. (Everyone gets it eventually, no big deal. The DR can squeeze you in on May 32nd.)


Amy, sorry to hear about your mom. I went through something similar with my mother. I will be praying for her!
Sorry also that people are giving you a hard time about your decision. It IS your decision, and you don't need to explain or justify it. I was horrified at my ODD's 1 year check-up that the doctor gave her the chicken pox vaccine without getting my consent or EVEN TELLING ME that she was administering that shot until afterward! It is optional!
Also, isn't that onesies Noah is wearing in the 3rd pic down from the Gallery of Disturbing Baby Clothes? The "happy faces on chalk outlines" one?
An alert reader (LOL!)


After I read your comments section, I don't know how you don't go batshit crazy sometimes. I actually lay my head down on my desk in disgust on occasion; like the other day, when dozens of nitwits about 60 comments down started marveling that "Ceiba has stuffing in her mouth!! Did anyone else notice that?!" GAH!

What I'm saying is, good job not flailing scathing replies at the internets, which is what I would do. Which is why I do not have a blog.


and also, best wishes to your mom, and her boobs and uterus. Seriously.


As cute as Noah is (particularly his toes!) that's overridden by the update on your mom. Positive thoughts,vibes and prayers headed her way from me.

Just Linda

People who make me laugh as much as you are allowed to arm their children with Uzi's and I'd still think they were FINE parents because laughter contains with it much forgiveness and forgetness (see? I forgot a whole syllable in that last word, but doesn't it flow nicely?)

I've even forgiven you-know-who for leaving you-know-who in the you-know-what (car) because his wife is so funny. See? Laughter makes the world go 'round....


I'm so sorry about your mother, I'm sending good vibes your way. My mother has had a couple of very minor scares, and I have gone insane with each, I can't imagine what you are going through.

I love the pictures of Noah, I'm going to give birth to a boy (my first baby) in a couple of weeks, and I just love thinking that I'm going to have a similar creature in my house soon.

Lisa V

Very sorry about your mom. You are all in my thoughts.


Praying for your family! ::hugs::

Heather B.

Last week I found out that my mother's sister has breast cancer and it's amazing how hearing something like that suddenly changes things and kind of makes your heart stop.

Anyway, fuck cancer (you have crazy cross stitching skills) and I might have to eat your child or at least hug him.



If I were a new mom again I would absolutely break up my children's shots... I just had them all slammed at the appointed times and felt lucky they didn't have adverse reactions (DUMB!!).

The chicken pox is currently running through our school system and it is getting everyone... those adults who had the pox as children and those who have been vaccinated against it... they only benefit is that this is a very mild case... only a few sores and minor, benadryl treatable, itching.

I will pray for your mom and her Seinfeldian uterus.


Amy, I'm so sorry about your mom. Wishing her all the best.


Delurking to wish your mom all the best. I'm hoping it is nothing. And I love that cross-stitch pattern so much that now I have to buy it.

RockStar Mommy

Wishing all kinds of good thoughts for you, your mom, and your whole family.

And that third picture down of Noah? Too unbelievably cute... (As if any of them ever aren't! Pshhh, to that!)


So sorry about your mom. Best wishes to all of you.


I had exactly the same twitterpation about my son's rash. Instead of posting pictures to the internet I emailed my Mom a picture of the rash as she is a nurse and knows everything, right? Well she just turned around and said "It looks like heat rash, stop freaking out, if you are worried see a doctor, and what ever you do don't look it up in that 'what to expect' book, that book is a load of crap!" Thanks Mom.


Seriously, whenever you're ready for that glass of wine, lemme know...'cause, damn, it sounds like you need it!

Good luck with it all.

And also? I had the pox when I was 11 and I thought I was going to die. I couldn't imagine getting them now at 27.

Lisa Ann

Am crossing fingers, toes, eyes, whatever other body parts that can be crossed for your moms.


Aw, Aim ... only good thoughts to you and your momma.


I'm so very sorry about your mom. But, am sending good vibes and cancer-kicking thoughts from the west coast.

~ nola


Hi Amy, I'm sorry to hear about everything you're going through. I'm sending positive thoughts your way. I'm 29 and I had uterine cancer last year (you actually answered one of my questions in your Wed advice thingie about it and the loss of my uterus and therefore childbirthing ability) anyway.... if it is uterine cancer it's the most curable cancer with a 98% cure rate, she'll be fine. My mother alsohad breast cancer, so I'm sending all my good thoughts your way.



That's pretty much all my brain can manage to come up with right now.

Boo. I've got crossed fingers and good thoughts.


I haven't commented in awhile but I wanted you to know I'm thinking about your mom and I hope she will be fine.


I wish nothing but the best for your mom. I am appalled that you have to wait so long for answers. I hope that you are all surrounded by supportive people in the meantime.

Best wishes!!


OMG! The thumb-sucking and monkeyturtletoes are just too much for me. I think I just exploded from cuteness overload. Man he's adorable!

I'm sorry to hear about your mom, and I hope that she is doing well and that the two surgeries reveal nothing big. I'll keep your family in my prayers.


Oh Amalah, I'll have everything crossed that can be crossed. We need your mom around for a long long long time.



i am thinking the most positive thoughts i possibly for your mom. every finger and toe is crossed.

knitting is very theraputic. it's gotten me through some very tough times and i read recently that it produces the same brain reactions as yoga. i would recommend the stitch n bitch books, i taught myself how to learn from the first of the two books.


oh amalah. blah. best wishes for your mom. :/ that's crummy.

but yay! no pox!


Noah looks just as relieved and happy that he doesn't have chicken pox. Besides, he's too durn cute for that!

Sorry to hear about your Mum. A stressful time for everybody, I'm sure. Hope all goes well. We'll be looking forward to your April 7th post.


Haha! You linked to the cross stitch I sent you.

I'm thinking it might be time to break out the embroidery thread...


While I think the internets generally means well, assvice always sucks; well-intentioned or not.

Hope things get better with your mom!


Hi, um, yup both of my older kids got the pox vaccine but got a small case of it anyway and had to stay out of preschool for a week. Fun! We also had to press the "secret" button of
"Infectious disease cases" and enter the "special" door to actually see the doctor. We felt very special. I'm not sure if we'll do the vaccines with our two youngest but I'm not sure, because, even though the oldest kids got some of the pox they didn't get as sick and don't have the scars of children who get it without the immunitiation. Just my opinion and not sure what I'm going to do.

Sarcastic Journalist

Gah, thats horrible. we, the internet people, are here for you.

Nicole P

If I wasn't a complete stranger or if I had Heather B.'s coveted role, Noah would have a closet full of sarcastic, funny t-shirts and onesies and I would be even more broke than I am now because cute or funny baby clothes trump groceries in my book. I am single, yet have about 10 funny baby clothes websites bookmarked on my computer. Yes, I need help and a life. But seeing a baby with a shirt that says "I can't read" or "It'll end in tears" will keep me laughing for days.

Miss S

love the drool soaked shirt... reminds me of when my brother was a baby, and a ten year old (but thats another story).
best wishes to your mom :)


Just wanted to say I'm thinking only good thoughts for Nanalah! Here's hoping it's nothing.

And I commented with a website yesterday, I meant not disrespect, I'm sure you had done all your research, just trying to help.


Go Seinfeldian uterus! Fuck it, Seinfeldian EVERYTHING.

Hang in.

And Noah is cuter than ever.


Wacky Mommy

Tell your mom the internet loves her and best wishes and good juju is coming her way. (And thanks for the baby pix, again.) Wacky Girl and I just started knitting, too. I got inspired by this store by our house, the Naked Sheep. heh heh.

Her Ladyship

Wishing the best for your mom...


I'll be praying for your mom. I had something similar happen a few months back to my mom. Thank god it was nothing but I may have got some more gray hairs from the whole ordeal. I love his monkey turtle toes. That is so cute!!! He's growing up fast!


Oh, gosh; Noah's toes are praying for Nanalah!
Rashes are scary. Wait 'til you get to experience Fifth's Disease; the hot, slapped-face rash that spreads downward. And lasts and lasts.
We are praying for your mama. I will mark the calendar for April 7 and send mucho mucho positive (I mean NEGATIVE, LET'S HEAR IT FOR NEGATIVE TEST RESULTS!!!!) vibes on that date.
Keep the Faith. Keep smooching that son of yours, and keep the Faith.


Sending internet love to you and your mom. My sister is having a tumor removed from her uterus and biopsied on April 4th, so I'm right there with you.
Hang in there.

PS - Mistaking heat rash for chicken pox and inviting all internet crazies with your talk of vaccines is totally something I would do too.

mama speak


Do your research & make the best decisions for you and your baby. Your obviously love him (how could you not, all that cuteness) and this parenting thing isn't all black and white. Send the haters a cross stitch. ;)

Sending lots of good karma to you and Nanalah. I can't imagine how stressful the WAITING must be. Damn, how do you hold it together?

If you take up knitting you can get good pattern ideas from "you knit what?"


Dammit, poor Nanalah! May everything be COMPLETELY NORMAL asap. My mom and aunt both had lumps a couple of years ago that they found at the same time (weird). Auntie had hers removed, and my mom (more hippy) injested copious amounts of vitamins, etc and drank Red Clover tea and just as she was about to get it removed...it was gone.

Which is exactly what I hope happens with your mum. So.... if you do take up crocheting - what will you do first? I was thinking a F. Cancer scarf in black and pink might be fetching.

Baby toes! Love! (even when they get that kind of funky smell and baby toe-jam..They're just that cute!)

Silly Hily

Am so sorry to hear that about your mom. She'll be in my thoughts and prayers.


Here's to hoping all turns out A-OK with your mom. It must be so hard to wait and worry.

I've yet to do it, but I've learned from blogs like yours never EVER to mention the word "vaccination" in my blog. It brings out the worst in people.

Don't feel bad for the heat rash. I treated what turned out to be excema on my daugter's neck with anti-fungal (it looked a LOT like a yeast rash!) for a week before the doctor kindly explained why it wasn't clearing up.

Jo anna

Love the comment about the FUCK CANCER cross-stich! Great idea!

And yes, Noah's toes do make it all better.

Jo Anna


Oh sweet Jesus, best of luck to your mom! Also, that cross-stitch site? Loved. IT! I already have two ideas for my own cross stitch, if I ever get them done I'll let you know.

And OMG, TOES!!!!!

Vaguely Urban

Good luck to your mom. Hope the days fly by and then you get great news.


Sending prayers up for mom (& you)...but omg, the toes the toes the toes...must eat the toes.


I scanned through your comments on the last entry. I'm surprised there wasn't more insanity. A lot of people are VERY PASSIONATE about vaccines. I know a woman who has chosen not to vaccinate her children for anything and would love to tell you why and send you some literature on that, so...you actually lucked out, believe it or not.

I found out about six weeks ago that my mother-in-law has cancer, so I will be thinking about your mom and her and hoping they both can beat it.


Many many prayers for you and your mom. and I second (or third or whatever) the previous post about it being treatable. My aunt had breast cancer (1 removed) when she was under 30 (which would have been in the 1940's I think?) and she didn't die until she was like 86(?) or 87. Anyway, even then, no cancer. Kept smoking those black & milds and drinking her crown, and dang-a-lang-in, fell over on the bed after taking off her houseshoes at bedtime. Peaceful. Creepy, but peaceful. We think she was preserved by the alcohol, but who knows.

Anyway, many prayers for the Nanalah. Either for them to find nothing, or it just be really easy to fix.

Know that we all (the giant internet world of readers) love ya'll.

Jessica Myers-Schecter

Jeez, sorry about your mom, Amy.Sending good vibes your way...


I will definitely keep your mom in my prayers.

Seriously - not sure that Noah could be one ounce cuter.


Oh Amy, I am so sorry about your mom. When my husband's aunt got breast cancer, they also made her wait a while. We never understood it. I will continue to keep your mom in my prayers...and also pray for your sanity now that you are cross stitching. yikes.

The last picture of Noah's feet could also, in a strange way, be mistaken for hands. lol.

Nothing But Bonfires

Hoping, hoping, HOPING for nothing. (Which is not nearly as existentialist as it sounds.)


the good news is he's so darn CUTE when he's hanging out in just a diaper!


I bet a heat rash has never felt so wanted...

"Three cheers for HEAT RASH!"


And seriously, take up knitting. It works well in times like this. That and drinking. But no drinking while knitting.


Oh Sweetie. I'm so sorry. I'll be pushing some good karma for your mom. As for the knitting...well, I tend to need to be doing something at all times with my hands, so it would be way worthwhile. Good luck.

wayward goddess

Noah is the cutest baby ever!
I wont even say anything about the $$$ we are putting into my 9 yr old's mouth because she just wont give up the thumb. I'm sure Noah will be like my 6 yr old and just be done with it one day. Even still, get a good dental plan, just in case

You and your mom are in my thoughts. The 7th will be a good day. It's a red day, meaning courage and good fortune.


amalah: i am a slow learner too. like when my little man pooped out his diaper and up to his neck while we were in target, i thought to myself 'so that's why they tell you to pack a change of clothes in your diaper bag'. but did i go home and put an outfit in the bag? nope. did he sure as hell poop out his diaper and up to his neck again the very next week? not really -- the poop stopped at his armpits.

i think there may be a change of clothes in the bag now, but i'm not entirely sure that they fit him anymore.


UGH! I understand about the crazy Internets Peoples who think THEIR advice is the best advice. Bah! I never got the chickey pox vaxxine for my kids and Hey! They are almost normal.
Will be sending good vibes for you and your mom on the 7th because it's my birthday and NOTHING bad can happen on my 35th birthday, right?


Learn how to crochet. It's easier and more relaxing. Knitting hurt my fingers! Ouch.

I'll be saying a prayer for your mom.

And, about the whole vaccine thing. . . good for you! My daughter just turned five and will just be getting the vaccine before heading off to school in the fall. You have to make your own decisions about vaccines and EVERYONE is willing to judge you whether you get them all or not for your kids. Your really should have learned your lesson after the whole day care debate though.

Taboo subjects:
What's next???


God, Amy, that's too much bad. :-\ Your mom will be in my prayers.


Never posted here before, but wanted to say thanks for such a great blog! Also, dude, you need to knit. Please read the knittingharlot.com . She's written books and everything - nope, not affiliated, just think it would be right up your alley.


Kristen- Drinking while knitting produces some of the lovliest knotted, balled up masses of yarn ever. It's like the deconstruced look for yarn, so sheik and yet so underappreciated.

you and your family are in my prayers. Drunk knit something and post it online :)


He's gettin to be a chunky monkey. I predict a growth spurt in his near future. Kid's gonna be taller than you by the time he's 10. Ha!

Hoping every thing goes well for your mom and am so glad the internet has decided to withhold it's cancer horror stories. So. Glad.

Angela F

I will think lots of good thoughts for your mom.


Keeping you and your mom in my thoughts, hon. I suspect monkeyturtletoes ARE the key to curing cancer, by the way.


I hope everything is all right with your mom. And yes, your baby is adorable, as always.

Good luck!


My mom, and best friend, was diagnosed with Uterine Cancer on October 11, 2004. I know that numbing feeling. She had gone in for a D&C for fibroids but returned home with Cancer. If you need a excellent referral for an Oncologist in the DC area let me know. Turns out we ended up with the best dr. on that side of the Potomac so says the hospital!

You're not alone in your fear!


amalah... i follow your blog and adore it. just wondering if your mom is being seen at a major cancer center (some women, esp. jewish women, carry brca1/2 mutations that predispose to cancers - i am 34 and positive). there are new treatments that help quite a bit. check out www.facingourrisk.org


De-lurking to say that I'm keeping your mom in my thoughts and prayers. I hope everything goes well on the 7th.

Also - adorable baby! Such a cutie, and such a fun age, too. Keep posting the pictures!


anon - My mom is seeing the doctors at the Fox Chase Cancer Center in PA. Which, despite the scheduling madness (which boils down to there being Too Much Fucking Cancer), have been absolutely awesome and amazing -- for both her and my dad. (She's not Jewish, incidentally, although her daughters do tend to marry the cute Jewish boys.)


1) I am commenting without knowing exactly what I'm talking about because I've been busy the past couple of days and haven't checked in. Also, because from your description, your comments sounded like a clusterfuck and that makes me not want to read them. The point: My kids are 11 & 17. I refused the Chickenpox vaccine for both of them. Got them infected at 4 & 10. They both had regular cases. They are fine now. I would refuse again.

2) Awful, awful news about your mom's girlie-parts. I am sorry for you & your family and add my best wishes.


I advocate learning to knit.
It REALLY helps when you have to wait. It's like meditating with tangible results.
Plus, you get to make adorable things for that adorable baby... hats and booties and socks and stuff.


ooh, i'm so jealous. i LOVE subversivestitching's patterns! ;) good for you. i highly recommend knitting if you want a mind-numbing activity to pass the time. it's good therapy. heh.

also, yay for your mom! i am rooting for the seinfeldian uterus! i imagine if it could talk it would go "la-la-laaaaaa"



I don't think I've ever commented here before, but I've been reading your blog for a couple of months and you're hilarious and awesome and an excellent writer. And I hope so much that everything turns out well for you and your family.


Saying a prayer for your moms and your family. Stay strong girl.


See this? :O That's my mouth hanging open. Soon as I manage to shut it again, I'm going to be sending all the prayers I can you and your mom's way. Holy freaking cow.


So sorry about your mom's new scare. I'll be sending happy fuck cancer thoughts her way on the 7th.


I'm so sorry to hear about your mom! That's so scary. My mom is a breast cancer survivor so I (kind of) understand. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.


Good lord darling. Yes, best wished for you all.
Also, Noah is looking more and more like you all the time!!


Dude. When it rains, it really does pour.

Give the best to Nanalah from me. This really sucks.

On the other hand, Noah is getting sooo much cuter every day it's hard for me to understand why you thought he had some kind of pox or something. Too cute! That kind of cuteness does not belong to a sick child!

Nicole P

Two things:

1. Crunchy toasty baby toes!!!!
2. Where does one go to learn how to knit (and/or what is needed to begin said hobby)??


Your lovely mother will be in my thoughts. I think learning to knit is an excellent idea--it has gotten me through many a similar situation. Glad the Pox is not yet upon you.


You make me laugh hysterically AND cry in the same post. I will be thinking of your mom; hope all is well with her!

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