My husband is the choir director at a small American Baptist college in West Virginia. There are lots of kids here like you used to be. Reading your post gives me great hope that they will one day see things differently. Less judgemental, more loving. They can't help it. They've never been exposed to anything different. For the most part, they mean well and are sincere in their faith, just a little misguided in how they show it.

Wow. Well said. I bet there are a lot of people that feel the same way.

This was a beautifully written post of great intensity. I'm not christian and I know very little about christianity, which is pretty amazing growing up in this very christian dominated country. But I do know that G-d isn't restricted to Christians (capital C), and that if you do believe in G-d, you can do so as a Unitarian, a Jew like me, a Muslim, a buddhist or any thing else you chose. YOu don't have to remain a Christian because you were born into it. If you do plan to raise Noah in a religion, search for one that speaks to you and your heart. You don't have to worship G-d in a homosexual hating environment. G-d can be found amoungst liberals as well as conservatives, democrats as well as republicans.

I would not go to your reunion if I were you, but that's because I'm weak and wouldn't be able to hold my tongue. I admire you for deciding to go knowing how painful it might be.

great post.

Wow.

I get how you feel shaky about this topic.

And I know what you mean about the word "Christian". Faith is such an intensely personal issue, and is hard to reconcile with all the politics surrounding religion.

I tend to try and distance myself if I talk about my own beliefs, in order to give the impression I am not a crazy. (Doesn't work! The crazy comes through! HA.)

I am a Christian, but I don't think I have all the answers. I just live my life with what I learn good lessons and try to live by them, but it doesn't always happen.

I was lucky enough to find a church with a wonderful, open-minded but also traditional, if you can believe that, minister. The message is welcoming, loving, and basically that we aren't perfect but we should just keep doing our best. That's all God wants of us, anyway.

I hope you can find something like that if you still want it, because it is a nice message and community to have. (Presbyterians rock...that would be me.)

I don't believe God hates homosexuals, and furthermore, who are we to know what God wants and impose it on others? The things religious people do to others is appalling.

We should try our best and be good to one another, for fuck's sake.

(See? Crazy!) ;-)

Wow. What a powerful and amazing post. Though all I could picture was the part of Amy played by Mandy Moore a la "Saved!"

But, I, a member of the class of '97, am not looking forward to my class reunion next year, either. I will not go. I was also brain-washed into the whole youth rally thing. I feel like I missed out on a lot during high school, but I guess it made me who I am today...a beer-drinking, foul-mouthed agnostic.

great post amy!

You know, I don't have nearly the reasons you do, but I'm also scared to go to my 10 year high school reunion this year. I've elected to just not go. I was too afraid that it would dig up in my mind all of the things that I was/did back then that I now regret, and I'm too afriad I won't be able to handle that.

Good for you for having the courage to go. And good luck.

Well said, sweetie.

I completely relate to everything you just wrote!!! I had a very similar experience in my younger days only it was after I started college. I remember whistling dixie one day, catching myself and thinking "OHMYGOD, I mean GOSH, I can't believe I am whistling dixie that symbolizes slavery and the evil past of the nation. I must be evil, too.
Seems like there are so many of us out there that were so scarred by the same sort of scenario which I can only describe as an oppressive cult. I will say that I have made my peace with God and I have finally been able to separate the God I once associated with the old group I used to be a part of to the loving God I know today. So - there is hope yet.

Beautiful post

I grew up a Roman Catholic in a town where the question you asked people was which Catholic church you went to - not what religion you practiced.

I'm working to reconcile my own thoughts and feelings as to God and faith and whether I really believe in religion or just spirituality. Your post was insightful, heartfelt and powerful.

Thanks for putting yourself out there.

Delurking to say word up!

Brave choice. I didn't go to mine because everybody I liked, I stayed in touch with. Screw the rest. And it didn't even involve any dogma!

Hope you have a Romy & Michelle kind of night...because that would be AWESOME if crazybitchteacher gets her dress blown up over her head, lol.

Make sure to take your camera! ;>

This was a very real posting Amy, I think you said it all so incredibly well.

P.S. Wear the shoes.

Amazing, brilliant, and poignant.

Um,Wow!

I am so moved by your post. I grew up in a very liberal church who accepted anyone and I felt very comfortable there...until I told my best church friend that I had fallen in love with a Jewish boy, and she said she would pray for his salvation. He's a good Jewish boy, not a devil worshipper who sacrifices cats! I haven't been able to think of church the same since.

I married the Jewish boy and we have two wonderful children and we plan on raising them to believe that God loves each of us for who we are inside and we have to love each other the same way. And we are sort of looking into the Unitarian church.

Don't worry about calling yourself Christian, I don't think the average person would first picture "that kind of Christian".

Thank you for sharing.

Amazing post. Thank you for sharing that piece of your history. You are not alone in your feelings about organized religion.

Wonderful post.

The thing that frustrates me so much about most people who are overly religious is that they are so restrictive. If only they used their energy to be kind to everyone instead of trying to shun those they don't agree with or approve of.

wonderful post.

Wow.

As the child of athiest anthropologists raised in a predominantly Mormon community, I think I saw much of what you talk about from the outside but never truly understood it. Thank you for creating a window to that world through sharing your experience.

I got chills just reading that. I went to a small Christian school for my entire grade-high school experience, and know exactly what you mean. I'm so screwed up and scarred from the experience that I don't even know how to classify myself or what I believe in anymore.

You really nailed it on the head when you said it's such a weighty thing to call yourself a Christian, since the word has ties to such hypocritical, hateful, and miserable people.

I'm still looking for something to believe in, something that fits, something that feels right, and I guess you are too. Good luck to both of us! :)

I feel like I should give you a hug.

I am a K-College Catholic edumacated chick, and with the exception of 6th grade (move to new city, 'rents didn't know better) I was taught by the BVMs or Sisters of St. Francis...in the warm glowing loving light of parochial school. I wasn't raised a fire and brimstone Catholic.

Both my husband and I practice our faith...but in a moral context of peace, love and acceptance. I put my moral soapbox away a long time ago when I realized the great big world included a lot of people who didn't think or act just like me...and far be it for me to reign down judgement on them. We are who we are for a reason...and as long as we all take responsiblity for our actions and not make excuses, well, then, go forth.

Amy, you are a strong, bright, beautiful young woman with a heck of a lot more going on at your age than I did. Your confidence and wit shine though.....

((HUGS))

Oh, honey, I just want to give you a big hug!!!

I'm amazed that your sex-ed class included the words "dry humping" and "orgasm" because mine sure didn't! Catholic schools, gotta love 'em.

Only, not really. The Catholic school I attended for middle school taught me all those wonderful lessons you learned in high school, and then some. I'm going to my Class of '96 (public) high school reunion in two weeks, and the people I dread seeing the most are the people I went to middle school with. So, I feel ya. Enjoy the reunion! And wear the expensive shoes.

long-time reader, very infrequent commenter. but i had to give you props (yes, i just said that.. what of it) for this post... not just for the raw honesty and insight and emotion and fantastic writing that you always pour into your posts (particularly these more long-winded ones), but also because i can so relate. that was me, too... with the added bonus of an ethnic (korean) church for Extra Special Fun and Torture! what fun! i'm going to a wedding for one of these people in a few weeks (an individual that i really care for because despite her association with the Extra Special Fun and Torture church she is a great person), and am so not looking forward to all the questions and comments about my non-church-going, heathen-esque, selfish mid-20s career-driven lifestyle. oh the joy.

i admire you for being so open and honest on your blog... pls keep doing what you do.

I've been reading your blog for a while now, and deeply admire your writing, your wit, and your strength. It takes a lot of courage to post something like this, but I'm so glad you shared it. My husband and I considered joining a church when our son was born, to provide him with the morals and values and built-in community that come along with being a member. But we ultimately decided that the morals and values we want him to learn are not exclusive (and in some cases, are not even present) in the church. That doesn't mean that we don't often second-guess ourselves. It's just that for now, this works best for us. When he's older, we'll expose him to many different philosophies and religions and if he gravitates towards one, then we will encourage it. But for now, I think we're happier being heathens.

Good luck at the reunion. I didn't bother going to mine, so I have no assvice to offer, except drink well and often.

Take care.

You have no idea how significant your entry is to my current place in life.

I got married two weeks ago. I'm Catholic, and Luke is Methodist. Luke doesn't want to convert to Catholicism, and I don't think I can break away from the cultural and emotional bonds I have with Catholicism. Even though I don't agree with a lot of the church's doctrines, I still hold the main creed to be true. With all of this, we still believe we can find a religious life that will be right for us and any future children. It's a hard process, trying to sort out what you believe in your heart versus what you believe because your crazy fundamentalist grandmother told you to believe, a woman who made grand statements like anyone who lived within a seven-mile radius of a gay person was going to hell.

Because Luke and I weren't sure which way to baptize our children, we decided to get married by his pastor, which resulted in my grandmother (who was *not* invited to the wedding) spread rumors that I was being married in a pagan ceremony. So hurtful.

I feel so lost with religion right now, because Luke and I love each other so much and want to do right by God and also respect each other's faith traditions. I've done so much Web scouring and book reading it's ridiculous. And we still don't know what to do.

My biggest comfort right now is that God is bigger than any religion, and he will eventually lead us in the right direction.

And now that I've written you The Longest Comment In The History Of The Universe, I'm out.

What a great post! I am Catholic, and attended school K-12 in a Catholic school. I *shocked* people by attending a Presbyterian school, to give you a frame of reference.

And if you wouldn't mind sharing (you, obviously, don't have to), which school did you attend in the Midwest?

Amy, that was incredible. Thank you so much for writing that -- the honesty!! YAY!

My dad is a minister, and I grew up in the asshole bible belt of my province in Canada. Fortunately, my parents are and were some of the most sane, nonjudgmental Christians I know -- save for a few points we argue like cats and dogs -- so I didn't grow up feeling like sin was a big dog waiting to bite me in the ass.

But I hated that town and the repression and the anger and all the horrible things that festered under the surface.

One bad thing did happen to me in my early teens there that I am only just now having the courage to address -- I am a chickenshit when it comes to dealing -- but I tried to let go of my anger about it.

I went on to work for a faith-based organization where I tried to stamp out every hideous stereotype and judgmental thing I could get my hands on, and while I made headway, eventually I had to quit.

I don't do that job anymore.

I barely go to church anymore.

I'm pretty angry about many aspects of how Christians behave in the name of God.

But I, like you, believe in God and try to let people know that it doesn't have to be like it was for you, and in some part, for me.

It's supposed to be about love, and nothing else.

And I can see you have that down.

Very powerful post. It angers and saddens me what the ladies at your school and people at your church said to you. Its wrong. Completely wrong.

First, let me preface -- I consider myself to be a "born again Chrisitian". I am very involved in church and all that. But more than that, I consider that I have a relationship with God and Jesus. Because in the end, its not really about the "religious aspects" but about if you and God are tight.

Not saying you shouldn't go to church, of course, I love my church wholeheartedly... just, yeah. This is a comment I'll try to make it brief. :)

If it was all about faith, I wouldn't have had a struggle with infertility. People wouldn't get cancer. People wouldn't die. My good friend Jeff woudln't have had a rare complication from surgery that killed him, because he? was awesome and extremely faith-filled.

Bad things happen in this world. And lack of faith or abundance of faith will not always correct it. We live in a fallen world, and I think sometimes some Christians forget that.

Its not your fault. You are awesome. And please, please don't think that all of us are like that, because we can be pretty darn cool.

Your post left me a bit light-headed--it brought up feelings that are constantly close to the surface.

I grew up in a Christian household, attended private Christian school all the way through college, and married a youth minister. My faith never wavered. Then six months ago, my husband was fired from the church we'd served for four years, with no warning and for no other reason than that the elders thought him too liberal. Since then my world has not stopped spinning, everything is different--we moved, I now work, husband is unemployed--and I have trouble sitting through a church service without crying or having an anxiety attack.

BUT, I have learned one important thing. Christians are just people, and people will let you down, but God will stand with you, let you cry and ask questions and demand answers, and will give you strength to get through each day. You can't equate people or church with God, and you can't let people get in the way of a relationship with God. Don't give them that power.

Grew up exactly the same way. Except my dad was the pastor.

I haven't been to church in years. (except for Easter) and I don't know that I'll ever go back.

But!

I love Jesus. I think he was an amazing man. One who didn't think he was too good to hang with the people that the RELIGIOUS LEADERS looked down upon. I loved that about him. I just think it's sad that people "representing" him had to go and give him a bad name.

Wow. You just organized all the thoughts that I've had forever from the very same experiences. (Except mine were in the Church of Christ.) It's kinda good to know that someone else feels the same way I do. And also doesn't know what to do about it. Thanks for this post.

Delurking again to say this was a really fabulous post. Topics like this always fascinate me - because we rarely talk about these things for fear of offending/being non-PC/going to hell. But it's so, so important to talk about them and be rational about these subjects, lest we stray into mindless extremism (of any kind, Christian, Islamic, Other). So well done, really, for talking about it.

I never grew up in any religion at all. My father was atheist, but brought us up to respect other people's religions and find one if we so chose. I went to a number of churches out of curiosity with various friends as I was growing up. My sister became a Mormon and I became a happy atheist - go figure. We don't discuss our religious differences anymore because I got so tired of her telling me I was going to hell for any number of my imagined sins.

Um... why am I sharing this? ;o) Anyway, seriously just wanted to say I loved this post - thought-provoking and leaves you looking very vulnerable - so it was brave of you too. The reunion will probably totally freak you out - these things have a weird way of throwing you right back to who and where you were at a very unhappy time. Just remember that when you're there as well as when you leave, you're not the same person you were then.

And if that teacher IS there, punch her in the eye.

>o)

I want say that I went to a small Christian school in Collingswood, NJ (from your archives, I suspect you attend Lower Bucks -- am I right?). While I did choose to complete my schooling there, it was more for friendships than academics or liking the school. The principal was a prude (who to this day I cannot fathom how she ever bore a child (it requires sex!!)) who believed we were all a raging bunch of hormones waiting to have orgies in the hall if not for the 6-inch rule, and not permitting girls and boys to travel in the same van to sing at the nursing home at Christmas. I had (and still do to a degree) such negative feelings about my school and the hypocrisy of certain teachers who forbid movie-going, but then snuck to the theaters; and suspended kids for dancing on their own time either in the mall or at their own church (yes, that really happened at my school). I totally understand Post Christian School Trauma.

However, after a period of "rebellion", where I had a black boyfriend, became pregnant by same boyfriend, placed said baby for adoption and moved across the country, I have learned much. Church, while instituted by God, is full of people who aren't perfect and make mistakes and offend people -- I mean REALLY OFFEND PEOPLE. But I believe that God will be there for me no matter what I do and will never offend me. People offend in His name, but that is not Him. I faithfully attend, with my husband and 3 children, a fundamental Christian church because church is about what God wants to teach me about Him.

My goal here was to share my story (because I know everyone was dying to hear it), but more importantly to at least encourage you to keep looking for what you want for you and your family, if anything.

Wonderful piece, Amy.

You know, I'm a Methodist. I always tell people "I'm a Methodist" instead of "I'm a Christian" because "Christian" conjures up all of the WRONG things about Christianity, for most people. For me, too, oftentimes--I rush to assure people that it doesn't mean that I'm a bible-thumping, judgemental, dogmatic bitch.

And when I think about that--that the default assumption of "Christian" is "crazy"--I think that's depressing.

That was an absolutely amazing post! Thank you!!

I also wanted to add, GET THE DAMN SHOES!!!

(and of course, post them here so we can all gloat with you!)

Thanks - that was great. You were able to put into words what I've been trying to express my whole life.

Doesn't Jason have some Jewish in his heritage? Couldn't Noah find his moral compass at some reconstructionist Temple?

Wow, there are some looong comments here and I haven't read them all, but I wanted to contribute.

It's so sad that your upbringing and your school had that effect on you. I grew up in a church that was for all intents and purposes "spiritually dead" - I didn't even understand the concept of salvation because it was never actually preached. It was more like a social club, you know, something to do on a Sunday. It was pretty meaningless.

So when I slipped into the realms of depression, self harm, attempted suicide (you know the drill) I turned my back on it totally.

I went through years of completely self-destructive behaviour, medication and therapy and along the way met some amazing people, some of whom happened to be Christians.

So, two years ago, I went to church with them and I was born again. It is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Not that life is easy, cos it's not - I've still struggled with self-harm and depression - but I DO feel secure in the knowledge that God is always with me.

I haven't commented on here for ages (well, a few weeks at least) because I've been going through some really crazy stuff. I won't bore you with the details, but the long and short of it is that I can't worship at my church at the moment, because of some people's attitudes.

This makes me incredibly sad and somewhat angry as I'm sure you can imagine - especially when I tell you that some of these people I thought of as my friends. I'm not saying that I haven't done ANYTHING wrong, but they're not seeing the bigger picture AND if God has forgiven me, then I believe they should too, although I know it's not always that easy to forgive someone (believe me, I know that only too well).

But there are people at my church who love me and are sticking by me. My pastor is doing his very best to ensure I'm ok and his desire is that I be able to stay at the church when this is all over (please, God, let that be soon!).

If anything this whole situation has brought me closer to God and I've realised that there are a lot of "Christians" out there who aren't really prepared to practise what they preach. Which is just awful. But God is consistent, forgiving and unconditional.

Don't let anyone feed you all that hellfire and damnation stuff, Amy. Once saved, always saved as far as I'm concerned (it does say that in the Bible, I just don't know where! Lol).

I hope this hasn't come across as all preachy, I'm trying to kinda back you up here with my personal experience. You can't rely on people, even the ones who call themselves Christian because sooner or later in one way or another, people will always let you down, whether they mean to or not. And I believe you can rely on God. JMHO, hope that's ok.

Loving the posts, sorry to not have commented more recently. You still rock!
Laura xXx

Thank you for the wonderful post. Awhile ago my husband was asked by a co-worker to play in a Christian Softball tournament. No biggie, we're Christians. But during a prayer, they actually asked God to help us help those who believed in Allah, the Jews, etc from going to Hell and start believing in God and Jesus. ACK! We left shortly there after. The nerve...

Wow. Brave of you to write, and I just want you to know that I... well, I agree.

De-lurking to say, hey, feel your pain. Seriously. The sad thing is that many Christians will be offended by what you say, versus seeing it for what it is... a mirror reflecting that we are not doing what Christ asked of us. Your journey is like everyone else's... intensely personal. I'm sorry that you were hurt, and I pray that you can look past the people, and see the Christ. He loves you and so do I.

Damn, you have ALOT of Catholic readers. And I'm one of them. Thanks for being brave.

Wow, great post! I was raised Catholic, but my mom was obsessed with finding a Catholic church that was liberal. (I use that term loosely.) She did a good job, too, and while I no longer go to church regularly, I truly admire the fact that she managed to instill the things that are important about religion while dismissing the bullshit.

Hey Amy,
I took "time off" from my Christian upbringing to have a baby at 19. My church family was actually extremely supportive of me, until I refused to marry. When I felt like the best thing was for my baby's daddy and I to live together and see how things went from there, they were very upset. So I stopped going to church at all. After a few years of focusing on my spiritual self alone I went back, not because I thougth it would save my relationship with God, but because I wanted my kids to experience the love that I had known from these people my whole childhood. I always felt like I belonged somewhere. Those people that judged me are still there, but I'm a big girl now. They don't bother me. I go to enjoy the people and the God I love. It has actually provided a neat way to discuss spritual matters with my now older kids. We talk different viewpoints instead of keeping the "moral majority" line. It has provided a nice foundation to our lives to be back. Also I kind of feel like a double agent which is so cool! I hope you and Jason find something that feels good to you and Noah. Sometimes going back is great, sometimes moving on is better. Peace!

I completely agree with your posting. I feel like the "Christian" title has been hijacked. I read your blog regularly, and I enjoy it, but this is the first time that I have felt compelled to leave a comment. Thank you.

Except for a few minor details.....you could have been describing my life. This was an excellent post. I know I wish I had the courage to say so many of those things to the mom that raised me that way....so proud of you for not letting the fear I know you were feeling hold you back.

I have three words: Universalist Unitarian Church. I am spiritual but not Christian and for the longest time I couldn't figure out where I belonged. Then I found the UU church which accepts people no matter what "God" means to them, no matter their sexual orientation, etc. EVERYONE is welcome. The best part is that their Sunday school teaches children about all the world's religions. I'm totally blabbering now, sorry...........