Nobody Tells You
Catching Up On My Correspondence


This morning Noah woke up all sunshine and giggles and light once again. I fully expect him to poop miniature unicorns and rainbows later -- he's in that good of a mood.

It's um, quite a change from the past few days, and completely because a certain tooth -- known in our household as Project Fang -- finally cut through his gums (I'm guessing at the stroke of midnight on 06/07/06 when it failed to successfully bring about Armageddon), and took its rightful place on the top gum, where it shall rule over the smaller, less evil bottom teeth. Amen.

Yesterday was an exceedingly weird day -- Noah pretty much screamed non-stop, save for the two hours when the babysitter was here (that's when he was, again, a little darling ball of happy unicorn shit) -- and an entry about fantasizing about bitchslapping an infant got hundreds of completely awesome, wonderful comments and emails (I mean seriously, there is nothing to say but squee! i heart u all! omg!), while ABSOLUTE BATSHIT INSANITY went down over at the ClubMom blog for no particular reason.

At one point in the late afternoon, while I was walking that fine line between trying to get work done and making sure my child was not gnawing on wires inside of plastic grocery bags, Noah found Ceiba's tennis ball under the couch and handed it to me. I absentmindedly waved it in front of him a couple times and then threw it across the room. I don't know what's sadder -- that it still took me a few seconds to realize what I'd done, or that I was dismayed to realize that my baby totally doesn't know how to fetch.

I called Jason around 5 pm to find out when he was coming home -- a question I phrased by simply aiming the phone in the general direction of the squalling, hysterical child -- and he reminded me that he had a business dinner to attend that night. Empowered by all the comments and emails (ASK FOR HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT), I asked him to please please come home first so I could get at least a 45-minute break to finish up some work I needed to do. I phrased this question by bursting into tears and hanging up on him.

It worked! Sucker.

Anyway. Today is good. Noah is once again someone I think I could be friends with in real life, some assorted boring financialish copyediting jobs are done, as is the Wednesday Advice Smackdown. And a nice ClubMom post about the Antichrist is not sparking any outrage at all.

I think I am going to go shopping. High school reunion this Saturday, motherfuckers. I have some overcompensating to do.


In Memory of Misery Past



so glad today is better...must be the energy in the air; my one-month old sir sleeps-alot today (the newborn equivalent of happy unicorn shit)


Yay for unicorns and poop!!


Everyone must be off reading the Smackdown. Just stopping by to say I'm glad everyone is feeling better in your household. And I heart you too :)


I've employed that same tactic, only I've left voicemails of a screaming child on dh's cell phone. He saves them because he thinks they're funny. Jerk.

exiled to canada

So glad today is going better. We've all been there and it sucks. A Pediatrician told some friends of my parents to put the baby in her crib, make sure she was safe and then go drink a bottle of gin....not sure gin is your drink so just insert liquor of choice. Our little guy got all of his teeth one after another non-stop starting at 3 months and ending at 18 was sheer hell for everyone.


pooping unicorns and rainbows? must be hell to clean up ;) Glad that the tooth and you made it through the night. rock on amy!


Glad it's getting better for you! And I think it's kind of funny you expected Noah to play catch, I might add.


girl-- just wanted to drop a line about your prior post. everyone else has said it, but I have so been there. crying + not enough sleep + isolation makes cmhl a crazy girl.

I totally know what you are saying. my mother said "if you're going through hell, you just have to keep going, because you surely don't want to STAY in hell". ha.


I'll be honest, I dont find all babies cute. But this picture of Noah is PRICELESSLY PRECIOUS.


This teething thing is for the frickin' birds. Too bad they just can't be sedated through the entire process and wake up with a full set after a day or two.

I think we've all placed those phone calls to the DH when the kid(s) were just unbearable. It's all part of the job, I suppose.


Sorry about the dustup at Club Mom. Having just found out I can't have kids at all, and knowing how long adoption processes can take, the idea of someone telling me one kid wasn't enough was a bit much.

One kid is beautiful and whole and definitely enough, just like two or nineteen.

But I'm glad today is better. And we want pictures of the reunion outfits!


OMG,that picture is priceless. And honestly, despite all the drama, I can see that odd little joy I was telling you about. Through *all* of it, I still know that you love this job.

That's a gift, and one that makes a big old difference in taking away the fear in those of us who are childless.


Well, the temper post scared me a little. I'm 18 weeks along with my first and I'll be a stay at home a foreign country. But thanks for being honest.

Glad to hear today is better. It does seem unnecessariy cruel the way that teeth come in, doesn't it?


That picture is so precious that it made me make a pouty face, and say "Awwww" out loud. Unfortunately that drew the attention of a coworker, but she has baby fever too, so she agrees.


That has to be the cutest picture I have ever seen!!

Also, one thing I used to do when I had had enough one-on-one baby time, I would load up my son (and later, daughter) in the car and go for a lovely (translation: quiet) ride. We live in a very rural area so there was much open space for driving. I would drive for an hour or more while the smaller people slept. It was blissful and saved my sanity many times. However, at that time gas was like $1.00.

Now I put them on the bus and they are gone for like 8 hours (until June 15th!).


How is it that Noah seems to have less hair than he did a month ago? But he's cute so it makes up for the hair thing, and the crazy he's been inflicting!


I found that the best place to spend Satan's special day was at the DMV. Apparently, He was pleased and got me out of His personal hell in only ten minutes.


the 5pm "where are you and when are you going to be home" phone call is standard in our household. i think if i didn't call jamie right at five on some random weekday he'd think we'd been kidnapped or something.


Dying to find out what exactly you will be wearing to the reunion. I'm sure it will not disappoint!


Also? I want to add that although I am gainfully employed as a writer and editor?

I did not know what the word "denouement" meant. Actually I still don't know. But as soon as I click "post" I'm going to to find out.


Teaching your kid to play fetch is under-rated. My kid plays fetch with HIMSELF by throwing things, then crawling after them. Very cool and even BETTER.

Can't wait for the "feedback" on all your old classmates.

Heather B.

That last picture makes me want to pick him up and kiss him.


I'm so glad to hear that today is better.


Ok, paragraph 1- with the pooping unicorns, I almost laughed out loud. Then, the image of tossing the ball for the baby, and the punchline about fetching. Brilliant stuff.

You're a genius.
Thank you for the laugh


you know, that's fucking amazing that it's more socially acceptable to want to beat the crap out of your infant than it is to only want one child. *eyeroll*

i would give anything for some unicorn poop today -- instead i've had a squealer since 5:45 this morning. and maybe one 'OMFG HE WILL NOT SHUT THE HELL UP' phone call to the daddy.


Ah, the 5 PM phone call has been a standard in our house. I just hand the phone to the boys and let


We phrase questions quite similarly. I think my husband is in therapy because of it.


Days like yesterday should be clearly covered in the introduction of every single baby book ever written. I was a big fan of putting the baby in the crib - turning the monitor on (no sound just little blinking lights)and going outside to sit on the step until I could find my own "happy place". That trip usually also involved the smoking of cigarettes and wishing we had something stronger than cherry kool-aide in the house.


Stock up on gin/vodka/mojitos for the molars that will come in after 12 months. The effing molars! They took 6 months to come in and after a few months of spending every night rocking, singing, driving around the neighboorhood in wee hours of the night, and getting about 3 hrs of (interrupted) sleep per night, my husband yelled, "Why can't they surgically break the skin and pull the molars to their position?". Teething sucks ass. Glad all is better now for you, and for us.


Amy, I have been reading your blog since August...when I was still living in Alexandria, VA. I picked up the Washingtonian because it was a great way to figure out what was going on in the DC area...since I was only there 6 months. Now I am in Maine...and am finally pregnant, a high-risk pregnancy. 9 weeks to be exact. Speaking of pregnant, I read and reread your last post on Club Mom...does it really say what I think it says? I love love love your blog and Noah. I promise to not continue to lurk and will post with my baby updates occasionally.


Ditto to lolismum. My sone has been working on molars for-EVER. The discomfort comes in waves and the swollen-ness of his gums makes my whole mouth hurt.
Congrats to you and Noah for getting through it!


Aww.. Noah pooping unicorns and rainbows. Brings back memories of my son.
Caleb had some pooping issues when he was first born (one of the wonderful things of being a preemie). I called the hospital everyday for an update. One day I called and the nurse told me with much excitement that Caleb had pooped! When I got to the hospital that night, every nurse came up to me and asked if I heard the good news that my big boy pooped. They were so proud of him. You would have thought he pooped gold.

Ok - this is just weird. I never thought I would real comment on a blog all about poop. I guess I really am a mom.


I think I need to go home.

That last sentences should have been:
I never thought I would leave a comment on a blog all about poop. I guess I really am a mom.


I used to ask the "when are you coming home" question and then when the answer was anything other than "right this instant, honey" I would sigh REALLY loudly and hang up.

I remember standing over a scraming baby and saying a little too loudly, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME????? WHAAAATT DOOOO YOUUUU WAAANNNT FROM MEEE??? Poor baby. And poor me. And poor you and Noah. No judgement here...just a lot of Amens. Now go rock that reunion, kiddo!


aw look at the sad face!

Soon he will learn to fetch, and it will be good.

Lisa Ann

I'm thinking Noah was all cranky because he was pooping unicorns. Mini or not those horns can hurt!


Seriously, why do we even need teeth when we have Starbucks and milkshakes at Carl's Jr?


Dude, I totally missed a day and missed a lot. I just got done reading the batshit. OMG.

Excuse me, I must go lock myself in a closet and throw some shoes now...


Been there, done that four times and counting. It's never easy, we all lose it now and then- that is the sign of a NORMAL parent. Like I tell my kids every day, "Hey! I didn't major in this, I'm totally winging it!".
And pooping unicorns- OUCH!


You totally stumped me with the post title. I'm wondering if has had a spike in people looking up that word or if I'm just living under a rock.

That picture is one of my favorite Noah pictures ever.


Good to hear Project Fang went well.

How many more fangs will there be before it's over?


(Still LOL-ing over the pooped unicorns, haha)


My Lord, he looks like such a little boy.

I'm glad your place is full of unicorn poop today! Which is totally not a sentence I would ever have thought I'd write!

Now, I will go read all your other goodness, including all the club mom-my outrage.


That. Was. Awesome. We were only a few posts away from someone gettin called a skank ho'. Beautiful.


Poor little man, he looks so miserable in that picture. Damn the fang! Thank goodness he's doing better today.

I can't wait to see what comes of the shopping trip.


Thanks for making me feel sane at a time when (1) my 11-month old son is teething and cries pretty much all the time, except when one of us is holding him, and (2) I also call DH every evening (and I'm a WOH mom, but I have to pick up DS from day care every day) to ask when he'll be home... very often with screaming DS in the background. So glad to know I'm not alone!!!


You baby didn't poop unicorns before today? Because pretty much mine's been doing that since he was born. It's all about rainbows and unicorns at our house.

(glad today is much better!)

Jerri Ann

sounds much better today!


I tend to lurk, but I have to tell you, I adore the picture on todays post of your son. I just adore it.

On the club mom thing, saw that, I am so glad you deleted the ones with peoples personal info. It is just wrong how people have started proving how they can do that when they get pissed.

Anyways, I just de-lurked to tell you that I love both of your blogs.

Back to lurking now.


Is Noah pulling his ear? My daughter does that a lot when her teeth are coming in.

She's got two on the bottom, four on the top, and the large quantity of drool she is putting out makes me think more are on their way.


I SO applaud your honesty. Whew I feel better! I hate to say it, but it does happen more frequently in the teen-age years...I have one of both. Poor me.

Yay you. Noah loves you. Your shoes? They may never forgive you.


alright, so this is my second comment for the day, but it's completely different from my first comment . . .

please understand how important it is to some of us that you relay every single bit of your reunion to a mass of folks who have no damn clue who any of those people are. i somehow believe that reading your reunion experience is going to be a gazillion times more amusing than my own reunion when it rolls around. and takes lots of pics with that phone!


alright, so this is my second comment for the day, but it's completely different from my first comment . . .

please understand how important it is to some of us that you relay every single bit of your reunion to a mass of folks who have no damn clue who any of those people are. i somehow believe that reading your reunion experience is going to be a gazillion times more amusing than my own reunion when it rolls around. and takes lots of pics with that phone!


would like to state that the internet was totally fucking with me, which resulted in that double post . . .


OMG, that photo of Noah is the exact same expression that Al has been making. And we don't even have the first tooth yet. Dear God help me.

Sarah Louise

I find myself saying "That's it! Yay! Good girl!" to the kids I sit for. Its kind of second nature when you just have a dog, and all the little ones do is play, sleep and poop.

i mean, c'mon, honost slip up....right??


Do you ever look at that sad face your lower lip out and say "Oh POOR ME, I'm the SAD BABY. WAH WAH WAH,"...really sarcastically?

I just wondered. I heard other people did that.


Why is it that when I work all day, I get home and my husband's like, "come spend time with your baby, she missed you." and when he works all day and I try the same thing, it's "oh, look, Mommy doesn't want you anymore." ugh.

And don't get me started on the teeth. My first got FIVE teeth in 1 month. August, '91. It will live in infamy.

Oh, and I've found that having a 15 year old greatly increases my patience with the baby (this may not really be an option for some of you, I understand. There's not too many nutty women out there with teenagers and infants).


So, Susan, where can I get one of these "teenagers"? Or do I have to wait 14 more years? Tell me I don't have to wait 14 more years.

Amalah, I don't know where you find the strength to write about some of these things but it's so awesome that you do. It's a trick I wish I could learn.


Wow, I hardly ever comment, but I made it into the big fight! Course I wasn't fighting, and I left before all the action...story of my life. I always left the party early before the puking. Anyway I remember having this problem with my little boys ( at 9 and 5 I still want to beat the crap out of them more frequently than I could admit to the internet). I thought there was something wrong with me for the longest time. It actually sent me into a depression, because I felt like I couldn't even tell my husband. Alone is the perfect word to describe that feeling. I had a very nice friend that I wasn't "friends enough" with that I could share with (she was a professional therapist). I just couldn't talk to anyone too close to me. So next time you lock yourself in the closet, we've been there too. Thanks for sharing... Solidarity, baby!


project fang... lol thats funny! Glad that the tooth has popped, My last child JUST finished his two year molars, we are celebrating, all of our teething troubles are done!

( i linked a post to your blog, I hope you do not mind, I will remove it from my blog if it bothers you)


Unicorns, lol!

"Noah is once again someone I think I could be friends with in real life"

Ah yes...those days are especially wonderful.


Week from hell....week from hell. Look at the reunion (why do they call it a "re" "union"? Was anyone really "unified" with their classmates??) as an excuse to drink this week off or a sadistically PERFECT completion to your sleep drepriving, screaming child, bring you to the brink of insanity torture! I mean really add some chinese water torture or fingernail something or other and what the heck - we shall call you super work at home agent, amy - has child will kill if provoked and still get off due to insanity! you mentioned he-man LMFAO I have the power!!!!!!!!!! Specialty- shoe throwing!!! you're awesome -LOL ;-)


I LOVE that picture of Noah. Hilarious. For me, not him.


So, so funny. The tennis ball tease and the surprise with no fetch, very good. It was the first time I laughed at loud at your post. I always laugh but in an open office environment I try to contain myself but I failed today.


Mom at Work

Glad things are better. Worry when Noah DOES start fetching. My 3-year-old likes to pretend to be a dog. It's only fair. The 9-year-old dog thinks she's human (and would *never* deign to fetch).


Can't wait to hear about the reunion. My 20th is next summer. Shudder... Any way, I'm thinking some retail therapy is just what you need. And if Noah poops a Hello Kitty turd, you so need to photograph it.

The comments to this entry are closed.