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Nobody Tells You

Random Monday Recipedown!

Did you know beans fit into a healthy lifestyle?


I did, because the large can of Pork & Beans told me so.


This statement was later corroborated by three other cans.


In fact, you can make beans an even more important part of an even more healthy lifestyle by adding onion (vegetable), ketchup (also a vegetable), mustard (yellow is the new superfood), maple syrup (part of a balanced breakfast) and lemon juice (totally counts as fruit).

Feel free to balance out all that crazy healthiness with some brown sugar. Go on. You deserve it.

Also: bacon.


Lots and lots of bacon.




Heat oven to 350F and bake the shit out that bizzitch for an hour or so.

Then, in an effort to promote healthy serving sizes, take beans to picnic but leave serving utensils at home, forcing picnic-goers to use twee little plastic spoons to partake of the beany goodness.


Congratulations! You are an idiot.


Luckily, you are also delicious and do not require a spoon.

(Thanks to Paula Deen for the recipe. Thanks to donrockwell.com for the picnic. Thanks to My Own Damn Self for not having the sense God gave a fly.)

(Full set of picnic photos and other assorted weekend lameness up at Flickr. Like you care.)



You can also use vinegar instead of the lemon juice if you don't happen to have any juice in the house.

Did Noah like them?


Bah! I have totally done the utensil thing more times than I'd like to remember. I especially like it when I do it for things like soup and chili, causing people (like, um, me) to try to serve the item by pouring it out of a spoutless receptacle, thus dousing the entire table, and perhaps the recipient, with soup/chili/beans/whatever.



And forgetting the utensils is totally something I would have done.


Speaking of Paula Deen, I just returned from Savannah, GA where I attended a little B-List Blogfest with a few other bloggers. There was always a line at "The Lady & Sons"...or whatever she calls her restauant. Those beans look good!


Mmm... bacon...


Yum, yum, yum. However, if you want to be a child, like me, instead of bacon, cut up about 30 hot dogs and throw those in with the beans. I also like mine with extra ketchup.

Also, ate at Matchbox this weekend and tried nearly every type of wine they sell. My favorite was red.


'dat 'dos there some good lookin' beans. A very good lookin' canadian treat! MMMMMMMMMMMM bacon. Must get Bumper in stroller and get me some bacon.... (drool).


Me likey picnic beans. I put applesauce in mine and peeps seem to dig that. They dig that *with spoons*

Bozoette Mary

Molasses! An essential ingredient. But the bacon... the bacon rules.

The Muse

The things I love about this post:

a) That you shop at Whole Foods like me, so I know I'm not alone in my culinary snobbery (particularly when it comes to meat products)

b) That it refers to Ms. Paula Deen - she rocks.

c) That Noah thinks you're tasty. Just like you think he's tasty. So cute.

Happy Monday!


Thank you, Amy for your dedication to the healthy lifestyle of your readers. In an effort to eat healthy on days I am not eating gooey peanut bars, I made pumpkin scones and also, chocolate chip pumpkin muffins. In my quest for added health, I substituted 1/2 cup of oat bran for flour. And I made twee muffins (That way I can eat, oh, like 6 or something since they are so small!!)


Nice to know I am not the only balding-thanks-to-baby mother out there. And my kid? Likes to bite me with her razor like toofies. Then smile.

And I totally think you should get Ceiba a tshirt that says, "I totally annoy the crap out of her, but she loves me anyway", or something like your caption said.

Noah must stop getting any frickin cuter.

Wendy Boucher

I don't like baked beans. I know it's unAmerican and I will probably be deported by George W. himself. But I have to admit, I love me some bacon and now I'm very hungry.

I'll have some bacon please, hold the beans. And bacon you eat with your fingers!


At least you remembered the important part ... the beans!

I adore Paula Deen.

And of course we care


So, if Noah ate any of those beans, did you make Jason change that next diaper? Because...OH. MY. G-D the horror.

But for bacon? Totally worth it.


omg, Paula Deen. I gain 10 pounds just watching her show. Still, I'm strangely drawn to every single thing she makes.


So what do you think -- does every household in America have that particular Corningware casserole dish? I have it, you have it, most of my married friends have it or a similar Corningware... I sense a monopolistic conspiracy in the works.


Just today I willed myself away from a McDonalds fat fest breakfast to start my new 1300 calorie a day diet and now? GIVE ME THE DAMN BEANS. It is 8:30 in the morning and the combination of the bacony goodness with the adorable pic of a carnivorous Noah is making me regret not carbo loading.


Bacon makes everything better. Thanks for the link at ClubMom.


Oh, man. I just saw Paula Deen make a baked beans recipe on her show this weekend. It had molasses in it in addition to all the bacon (bacon makes everything better, people) PLUS those little fried onion thingies? It looked suuuuuper tasty. I'm not sure that recipe would be part of a healthy lifestyle, but I'd be happy to make it part of my quasi-healthy-when-I-feel-like-it lifestyle.

(As a first-time commenter, I have to do the whole hey-thanks-for-writing-your-blog-I-love-it-and-you-say-everything-I'm-thinking thing, and I also feel compelled to note that, I too have a wee skinny dog not so different from Ceiba (an Italian greyhound), and he also broke his leg after jumping off the bed - so not fun!)

Lisa Ann

Just reading the word bacon makes my mouth water -- as does looking at the yummy-licious pics of Noah.


Damn that sounds yum. You look great by the way. It's crazy how when Noah was first born I thought he looked just like Jason but now he's the spittin, yup thats right spittin image of you.


Hey! MY Whole Foods doesn't sell bacon. Waaa.


omg, you and me and paula deen. aw. i can tell like myself you've been keeping the Food Network on during the day and have succombed to its subversive mind control. it's unstoppable.


Crap. You mean people actually add ingredients to this dish? I totally thought it was dump (from the can, not elsewhere) and bake.


yes, but have you ever forgotten the serving Yspoon when bringing ice cream to an event? Wee plastic spoons .do.not.work. on rock-hard Ben and Jerry's, *AND* everyone gets pissed off with you because they want ice cream .RIGHT.NOW.!


(really, I can spell - it's typing I have trouble with - for those who are asking what's a "Yspoon" anyway?)

Silly Hily

I totally count ketchup as a vegetable.

Amy H.

mmmmm...Paula Deen. That woman is brilliant in the kitchen. My favorite thing about Paula is she is not afraid of butter. Or mayo. Or sour cream. Or cream of mushroom soup. If you find a Paula Deen recipe that doesn't contain a high fat content (ahem, bacon!), let me know.

Also, if you are a fan of banana pudding, look up her recipe for "Not Your Mamma's Banana Pudding" because it rocks your world.

Real Girl

Aww. Adorable baby outfit, and cute wavy picnic hair ends there.

Spent Sunday at a baby shower, where I discovered the "Boo-boo Bunny," a little wash-cloth rabbit with a hidey hole for ice when baby gets a boo-boo. Man I need to get me one of those soon.

A baby, that is. Clearly I already got a boo-boo bunny for my own owwies.


Paula Deen is one of the only Food Network chefs that my husband will at least like 2 of the things she makes in any given show.

And bacon makes every meal complete!


damn, that's some pricey bacon. it's bacon on top of campbell's beans ... seems like it should be cheap.

Heather B.

I feel like I'm the only person in the world who is just now discovering the wonder that is the Food Network. Therefore I have no clue as to who this Deen woman is.

Java Bean Rush

At least people ate what you made.
No one liked my coffee ice cream but me. The hostess even asked me to take it home.

Lovely evening.


I'm probably being a total troll here - but since tomatoes are actually a fruit, I think the ketchup would be better categorized as "fruit" rather than "vegetable".

I'm glad I'm not the only one that shops at Whole Foods, though. I once got trolls out the ass when I mentioned I shopped there and spent $10 on 3 peaches.



Seriously, those look good. I want some!!!


Mmmm...those beans look awesome. We love Paula Deen in our house, like, a lot. Everything we cook out of her cookbooks is amazing. Looks like a great picnic and a lot of fun!


It was nice to meet you at the picnic! Those beans sure were yummy.


You wore white shorts to a picnic? Brave woman. That looked like some damn fine food. Must. Go. Find. Salty. Buttery. Goodness.

Linda B

I watched her make this and looked so delish.
I just had (BUSHS!) bbq beans for lunch and I found a nice little blob on my work phone. Am highly professional.

Love the beans.


Look at me. So brave! I found you via AlphaMom, figuring that anyone who get be advertised on the same damn page as Dooce had to be good. So I used all my free time at work to read your archives.

I am never having a baby unless I can be guaranteed one as cute as Noah, thanks to you.

See how you have touched my life?


I adore that Paula Deen can make something out of beans and bacon and just own it, especially since she must be surrounded by lots of food snobs all the time (not that I'm not one).

But seriously, beans and bacon. And sugar! And she just rocks it. It sounds like you did too. Very cool.


oh my gosh, but we do care! because:
a) you are so gosh darn entertaining
b) Noah is soooo cute
c) looking at flickr photos at work is so bad ass


But who needs beans when you've got Noah??

Thanks to this entry, I now have that line from Something About Mary in my head. What is it? Beans and Frank, Beans and Frank? Or something like that..

Glad you had a good weekend. Am envious of picnics.



OH GOD! I just noticed that the first can of beans you posted appears to be DENTED. Did you or any picnicgoers die of botulism?!?!?! *Can* you die of botulism a day later?

Dented cans freak me out. *shudder*


The irony of Paula Dean and "healthy lifestyle" being used together is abounding but DAYUM that woman can make everything better than the rest of us. She makes me justify having a meal with more fat in one serving than one should have all week.

The most important question though: Did you make it out of the bathroom long enough to see the Big Love finale?


1ST TIME POSTER HERE.Noah is cuter than bacon is delicious.When I get older and stop caring I will have bacon out in candy dishes.
Also we share the same b-day .What do you do when people hand over the one gift instead of Christmas and birthday? It makes me laugh.


Paula Deen? should run for president.


I love Paula Deen and want her to adopt me.

I made her twice baked potatoes for our Christmas Eve dinner with the fam, and they were a hit, I tell you, A HIT! Of course, hers called for shrimp, but I put BACONBACONBACON!! in mine and they were still great. I also made something else of hers that night but can't member what it is now, but it rocked too.

I heart the Food Network. I heart Paula. I heart you for mentioning Paula. The End.

Sarah Louise

mmm leg.

so you didnt bring a ladle....its like, family style, no?


I saw that episode. I love Paula too. It looks like they were a good choice to bring. Now I'll try them...Thanks for being the test person. It would seem that Noah likes the sweat they create..


I ate them. I didn't die of botulism. They were the first thing I went for (hey, it was a foodie picnic with no hotdogs, hamburgers or fried chicken - gotta at least have some baked beans!)Twee little spoons didn't slow me down at all. The beans were yummy, and Noah was very yummy.


I remember reading somewhere that a person could survive on beans alone forever... or at least a really, really, really long time.

That's it.

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