My Own Private Paparazzo
Money For Nothing and Your Links For Free

Weekend Report: I Got Drunk & Accosted Ted Allen

So this weekend we continued our pattern of pawning off our young on the sober and attended the DC International Wine & Food Festival, which was very much about the wine, not so much about the food, although there was an entire table devoted to Irish butter, and I have never been so proud of my Irish heritage, because that shit was DELICIOUS.

I am proud to say my wine snobbery has come a long way, as I was able to say shit like, "Hmm, I taste peach with a hint of earth, however, there's entirely too much alcohol on the finish," and people actually nodded instead of tossing their wine in my face and screaming "WRONG! TOTALLY WRONG! YOU COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG!"

Of course, they could have just been being polite. Like Ted Allen also was.


OMG! It's Queer Eye for the Drunk Girl! Iron Drunk America!

We spotted him while waiting in the taxi line and I did my patented Amalah Shriek of Dorkitude, alarming Jason and our friends, who were so not impressed That Ted Allen Was Standing Right Over There, He's Totally On Television And Therefore Our Better.

My friend Paul offered to just march up to him and ask for a photo, while I aimed my camera phone in frustration, but I was all, "Please, no, whatever. I really don't care." 


Meanwhile, Amy's Heart says, "Oh, but I DO CARE. I care so very, very much."

For the five of you who may still hold a bit of affection in your hearts for the Queer Eye guys (I stopped watching after the episode where Carson said only whores wore red shoes, because I cannot support such lies, such damned damned lies), I am happy to report that Ted looks fucking FANTASTIC, really downright ADORABLE, although he was accompanied by a female WOMAN. (Ted Allen Caught in Heterosexual Scandal! News at 11!)

Ted Allen was also super friendly and polite when I (after repeatedly declining various dares and offers from my friends to go fucking say hi already) suddenly dashed away from our waiting taxi and went right up to him and stuck my hand out and...I don't know. Words came out of my mouth. Words that I don't believe included pauses or breathing or even actual English.

He smiled, shook my hand and said, "Thank you so much. I'm so glad to hear it." And possibly more, but I was already running back to our cab.

Moral of the story: I am a FUCKING ASSHOLE. The End.


See? See what it feels like to have a camera phone shoved in your face, asshole?




I don't watch QE anymore, but I still luuuuuurve Ted. So, yay! :)


Ted! I would have done the same damn thing. Possibly with hand flapping and squealing.


I would have done the same exact thing. Ted and Kyan were my favorites on that show by far. Yeah, I totally would have squealed like the obnoxious sorority girl I was in my previous life.


Oh God, thank goodness it wasn't Kyan.

Kyan, I would have walked up and licked. No doubt.

Jerri Ann

What a freakin' riot you are! You seem to have fun where ever you are doing what ever you can find to do! I wish I was more like you!


Ted is the best... He always seemed so down to earth to me. I never see famous people here in Arm-pit Ohio (aka Cincinnati) but if I did I would totally flap my arms and screech like a crazy girl :)


There's that bra strap again.

I loved QE in the early days. Ted always struck me as being the most down-to-earth of all of them. But I would totally love to party with Kyan.


Julie, this is what happens when you buy 400 of the same tank top in a sale-at-J.Crew-frenzy without actually trying any of the tank tops on.


I also probably would've licked Kyan but ultimately Thom is my boy. I love the stuff he does! He can spruce up my bedroom anyday!


I am definitely the "take a picture from far away and pretend like you don't care but really I do care otherwise why would I take the picture" type.


I also stopped watching QE after that red shoe episode. And then it came up AGAIN on What Not To Wear, and I had to (briefly) boycott them, too.

What IS that, no red shoes? Sheesh.

Nice bra straps, baby.


It's only a matter of time before the same thing happens to you. Because I would totally point and squeal and think better of running up to you and saying that I love your blog.

Instead I would just stare and make you very uncomfortable while pointing out Jason to everyone and also noting how Noah is so much more adorable in person and how is that possible.


OH HONEY. Those bra straps. I saw them, laughed out loud (because I knew once you saw the photo, you'd be smackin' your forehead), then scrolled down to see that you acknowledged them (and more laughing). I don't even bother tucking them under any more. I am so there with you on the immediate shriek involved with seeing someone famous. Unfortunately, I see Zlist celebrities like the eldest son on Mr. Belvedere. Seriously.


I'm jealous. I haven't seen any good celebrities since I moved to London (except Sir Paul, before the divorce-saga broke). When I lived in NYC, I saw them all the time. Apparently Gwyneth and Sienna go to the Starbucks on the corner of my High Street but I've never seen them. You want to ship some over here?

Love the site. I've been reading a while but only recently brave enough to post comments.

Heather B.

The sober is now enjoying some yummy Breaux wine...

You can pawn him off on me anytime, because those hugs are so freaking worth it.


You look like the girl that beat up the nerds in high school. Badassss.


Carson will always be my fave - you could go party with him & NEVER be the squealing drunk one they NOTICED. And you could wear red shoes, he would laugh, comment, & STILL party with you. While buying you new shoes all night long.

Strawberry Shortcake

That Ted Allen scene is totally what happened to me when I ran into Amalah one time. I still get teased about it. Words were supposedly spoken and I was a complete idiot.

My watching coworkers were like, "You know this woman? And her husband? And her baby? From the INTERNET?" At least there is no photographic evidence.

Ha - upon actually reading the comments - Starbuck, that's almost exactly what happened. Except that I actually noticed Noah first and was like, "Oh, what an adorable baby!" and then looked up at his mom to be like, "Ack! It's Amalah!!" and then I was all, "OMIGOSH! Hi! I read your blog!" and the rest is a blur. (Amalah: I was the freak in Panera)


I cannot believe how good you look after a BABY!!! I am so, totally jealous.

Nicole P.

I miss D.C., especially since I haven't been there since I "discovered" Amalah clan on the compyweb. I would totally squeal from a distance while my friends would point and laugh at my Amalah sighting (and then pretend to not know me as I spouted stories like I *knew* these people). Stalker comments would be made and things would get awkward. Hmm, maybe I should keep my Noah fanclub self in Chicago. :)

Wacky Mommy

You're looking just the teensiest bit deranged there, cuteness.


I remember that red shoe episode, too. I also remember thinking that I don't care how much of a whore I look like, I'll never give up my Stuart Weitzman Lady in Red Quasar kickass heels.

Wicked Stepmom

LOL... I was going to tell you to tuck in your straps but then I saw your caption. :)


I'd lick Kyan or Jay but I can't say I'd go ga-ga over Ted. He always seemed so weird to me. Carson I'd like to go sit in a mall with and people watch[bash]. I want Thom to come to my house with Nate Berkus and TOGETHER re-do the whole place.

THAT would be quite a dream sequence, wouldn't it?


That was really really hilarious! ha ha ha :)



So good to see you are human. And my goddamn bra straps have been falling down ALL DAY LONG. Gah. Insane!

Hoorah for celebrity sightings. I really liked Ted from Queer Eye. Him and the other dude whose name I've forgotten, um, not Jay, Carson or.. shit. Thomas? No. He looked weird. Um. He was the hunky one? Kyan? Yeah. I'm in love with those guys.

Glad you had a good weekend. I'm in need of some good wine right about now...



--feels like a dumbass--

Okay, I couldn't remember his name, but several people already mentioned Kyan. Ack!


for Joke!

Oh I love Ted Allen! I totally hung out with him one night in NYC - he's so laid back and cool. A little shy. And really good looking! :)


And I thought I was the only one who ever bought lots of the same tank top without trying them on! I feel better.


I've never seen QE. But, I remember Iron Chef.

You're too funny Amalah.


I've got the bra strap thing going on too - thanks to the Old Navy tanks and the big granny bra straps to hold the girls in an upright position.

Yours look much nicer.


I couldn't give a rat's about the Queer Eye guys...but I would have totally done the smae thing, complete with the geek shriek. I'm a total tool when it comes to meeting someone with even a hint of celebrity. (Tongue-tied at the news anchor, hello?!) And I will be a WRECK at Blogher.

Though, that picture? Looks like you may have just murdered Ted Allen. I'm just saying.


My brother was Carson's roommate in college.

I would love to have people take pictures of me because I psuedo famous.


I think I need queer eye for the straight girl, I seem to be stuck in a rut of white t-shirts and jean capris. Huh. Anyway, so glad you are enjoying your trip.
And bra straps are the new black.


I went back to that Irish butter table twice - nay, THRICE - and took at least three packages of that fabu cheese with me each time.

I found some of it in my purse on Sunday morning.


You are on a roll with meeting celebs these days.

Who's next?? My vote is for David Hasseloff (or however you spell his damn name...)


LOVE Ted - and Thom. I have a picture of the QE guys in my cube at work - because I love gay men and stalk them. My hubby saw Carson in the Vegas airport once and called me so I could geek shreik over the phone, but he wouldn't go meet him for me. See, that's why I love gay men - a gay man would have met him for me.........


the last famnous person i saw was me and i'm not famous.


dude, it's Ted Allen, you were totally within your rights! :-)

he's always been my favorite "queer"


Loved this! I had never seen a QE episode 'til recently. Can you believe that? I'm obviously living under a rock. And my 3 kids are sitting on top of that rock, thankyouverymuch.



so, in the same month you have been with (not in the biblical sense) Andrew Shue and Ted Allen. You are, like, practically on the B list. If you could get some face time with WIlliam Shatner, you'd be 'A' for sure.


Amalah, you look twelve.

sarcastic journalist

Oh Amy! When this happens, I always do the whole "Hey you stand here and I'm going to take a picture of you oops my camera aimed to the side and got him instead."

I still love the Queer Eyes. I probably would have grabbed his butt.

Liberal Banana

Ooh, I really wanted to go to that festival but already had plans! I STILL love Queer Eye and I would've done the exact same thing if I saw Ted Allen. Except I wouldn't have remembered his name and then been too scared to approach him.

(This happened to me when I was in Rome and I saw the gal who plays the main character on Crossing Jordan - which I used to LOVE. I was tugging on my friend's jacket, pointing at the actress and grunting like a chimp. Finally I managed to sputter, "Jordan Cavanaugh!" but that's the character's name, not the actress's name, so I just stayed away. But she was right there! Right therrrrre!)

Katie Kat

Amy, you are SO adorable! So goofy, bumbling, funny, HUMANLY adorable! I would have done the same thing and would have slobbered all over Ted about how much I love the Queer Eye guys and how they are SO cute and wonderful that I really HONESTLY almost invited them to my wedding in 2003 (but my hubby threatened mutiny).

Anyway, let yer bra straps fly sistah! Way to be normal and help the rest of us feel like we don't hafta be perfect! ;)


"Arm-pit Ohio." Ha! I live there too, earlyduckie.

(I heard one of them wasn't really gay. Ted was always my No. 1 suspect.)


What Not To Wear said that about the red shoes too?! How did I miss that? (I love my red shoes- I totally sing Elvis Costello all night in those shoes!)

The only famous person I ever met was Kenny Rogers, and I said one word to him (with my mouth hanging open and my eyes all crazy-like). The word? It was not hello. The word that I said to Kenny Rogers on the street in NYC was "Orange."

Sparkle Pants

I am so totally about Ted Allen. SO JEALOUS!

Y from the internet

I really want to comment on this post, but my WannaBe Writers Block is preventing me from doing so.

Real Girl

I was once at a restaurant with the Queer Eye guys who were doing a promotional dinner, and Ted was one of the nicest ones, which is cool beause he's my favorite. (Also super nice? Kyan! Who'dve thought.) If I remember correctly, for some ungodly reason I had my hair in (low) pig tails, and all I could think was: "I'm wearing pig tails with the Queer Eye boys!"

I did once run into Carson on the street. He was (also, coincidentally) hailing a cab. I said to him, "I love your show. And my boyfriend?" *Points to Real Boy* "Dresses real good!"

Carson said "I'm so glad to hear it." I think without even looking at me.


Is it wrong that I would feel similarly about Lisa LaPorta?

Don't act like you don't watch Designed to Sell.


I like her, but I think my husband would accost Lisa LaPorta. He's got a wee bit of a crush on her. :)

mama kelly

sightings of the famous
plentiful wine
and irish butter

sounds like a great day to me

anne nahm

bra straps are the new wale tail**.

**when your g-string pops out of your lowriders like ass jewelry


Visible bra straps are sexy! It's the panty lines you have to worry about...


I am the happy about Ted Allen. That is wonderfuzz. He is the second most media-whorish, at least that's what I infer from his numerous Iron Chef America appearances.


We've seen a lot of your bra straps lately. It's all cool. ;)


I haven't seen QE in a long time but I still love the Fab Five. My sister met Thom a couple years ago when his father got remarried. I was so jealous. I have red shoes and I love them dearly.

Also, I've seen Iron Chef America w/ him on it and I always go 'wheeee! Ted!' But for some reason it took someone else saying the title before I understood what Iron Drunk America meant. Maybe I'm a little Chef...


your shit cracks me up. you look f'n mean in the last pic. i fear you. lol

Mary Tsao

We are all assholes when it comes to celebrities. Truly.

Only slightly OT, do you have an opinion on those bras that have plastic bra straps? I mean, is it "ok" to show your bra straps when they're clear plastic? Or are we supposed to wear them under the belief that people can't see them. Even though they can.

Just wondering. You seem to know about these things.


Not a fan of the plastic straps. I see girls wearing them with strapless tops and halters CAN STILL SEE THEM. They're like the female toupee.

But not as bad as the teenage girl I saw yesterday asking her boyfriend to repeatedly tuck her (black) bra straps under her (white, totally see-though) tank top. Yeah.

The comments to this entry are closed.