wow.

I'm not supposed to cry at work. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

*hugs*

*and tea*

Can I have the name of your therapist?

And also, you.are.awesome.

AWESOME- and not like awesome, as in tubular or radical, but awesome, as in inspiring and meaningful, important and beautiful. Thank you for that post!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My heart goes out to you. I'm glad you're doing much better now. I went through the Clomid crap, too, for a year, and everyday of it sucked. My doc kept upping my dose every two months. It didn't work, but it sure screwed me up emotionally.

I'm so happy that you have Noah now. He's beautiful!

Good for you for turning that corner and being on this side of things.

Amalah.....I too went through similar circumstances. Lived (and worked) in DC during both 911 and the sniper attacks. Had a doc medicate me to the gills, an admission to the hospital - and almost destroyed my marriage.
We moved out of DC, back to a small town in PA, changed docs and things improved.
I didn't know myself then, but the important is I came out the other side much changed - as I'm sure you have also.
Be well - and strong....and thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing.

Amalah.....I too went through similar circumstances. Lived (and worked) in DC during both 911 and the sniper attacks. Had a doc medicate me to the gills, an admission to the hospital - and almost destroyed my marriage.
We moved out of DC, back to a small town in PA, changed docs and things improved.
I didn't know myself then, but the important is I came out the other side much changed - as I'm sure you have also.
Be well - and strong....and thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing.

Good for you, good for you for taking care of yourself and good for you for being willing to share that. And good for Jason, I mean, aww. My mother always told me I should require a man to be "kind, dependable, and able to lift heavy objects." This third is nice, but the first two are most important, and it's clear here you have that in Jason.

Also, meatstick things? Ew.. are they like Vienna Sausages?

I'm really impressed to see you talk about getting a grip and taking control of your own mental-emotional states with the idea that you CAN do something to help yourself. (The opposite of the 'depression is a disease that happened to me' passive approach). Bravo.

I went through a similar hell. My first husband walked out and I went on the Xanax merry go round. Fortunately, I had an excellent doctor and an appointment with the therapist before the doctor's appointment.

You're a strong person-sometimes you need to go through hell to know just how strong you really are.

9/11 and the sniper situation really rocked me, but I'd already walked through hell. (Imagine hearing every location from the 5 attacks and knowing each one because you drove through them every day).

Hug that beautiful child and wonderful husband and tell yourself that you ARE a strong person!

Wow, this gave me goosebumps that still haven't gone away. I don't know you, but I'm so happy for you and how things have turned out. Thank you for sharing!

I had no idea there were therapists that would tell you to just get a grip already. I thought they wanted you to spend years talking about how you were potty trained. Thank God you found someone who saw what was happening to you and helped you turn it around. This must have been a hard post to write, thanks so much for sharing it.

Yes sirree, yes. Like you need another "Hell yes!" but yes, that happened to me, too. The overmedication, all of it. I ended up with some crazy doctor who had me on no fewer than 7 meds, most of which were designed for people who were either schizophrenic, epileptic and/or bipolar. My short stint on Topamax was among the worst times in my life.

I, too, am now med-free, though I acknowledge that the time I spent in Buspar probably saved my poor little pathetic ass, along with therapy that I still go to on occasion.

It's refreshing to read this, because I think too often it happens to women in this transient, weird sort of way that can only be fixed with therapy and an assload of hard work. Sometimes it's chemical, sure, but I do think there is an over-reliance by some doctors on medication-only, rather than a combination (psychiatrists, in my experience, adore this sort of transgression.) And sometimes talking about it incessantly can cause us to live the disease itself, hell yes. (And again, this is my experience, for the love of all that is holy, not everyone's.)

I'm rambling. But I get it, and I stopped talking about it too. I don't talk about the crippling anxiety anymore, mostly because I don't have it anymore. But being that person - even online - was making me into a spoiled child who just shoved it all out there for everyone else to clean up instead of dealing with it my damn self. (and I, too, dared Adam to leave me. I get that, too.)

How is it exactly that there are so many of us who have walked this path? The past two weeks of my life have brought me to the edge again and my own ambivalence toward adulthood may be more like waffling or possibly crazed attempts at normalcy. Either way, I'm always shocked when I take my eyes off of the heaping pile of crap I'm standing in and look around to see that I'm not alone. Thank God for the internet where these things seem slightly less terrifying to admit. And thank God for you.

I am just glad you are better and things are better :)

i.heart.you.
{{{{[amalah}}}}}

omg, do not get all self-conscious that sentiment came through just fine in your post. if anyone takes issue they are probably very gassy or something and just feel like being pissy.

You are awesome, and strong. Thank you for sharing your story.

As someone who's been down both the meds and therapy roads, it's refreshing to hear another blogger say that pharmacological solutions aren't always an instant cure.

How great that you were able to get pregnant so quickly after going off the meds!

Neat post. Thank you for sharing, I found it very inspirational.

Just had to say "Hell to the Yeah!"
I have been VERY fortunate to have a wonderful therapist AND a very compassionate, holistic doctor. I have incorporated everything from traditional SSRI meds to psychotherapy to acupuncture. Therapy is by far the most difficult, courageous and FREAKING EXPENSIVE part of the process but in my case, the most invaluable and necessary. No one needs to suffer endlessly or put up with crappy doctors, but it does require being proactive.

I started tuning in and out of blogs about the time things were not going well for you. And everytime I starting reading again, my heart lifted, because you seemed stronger, surer, and happier. I am so glad, and I hope you know how many people out here were rooting for you, Jason, Noah, Ceiba, and even the kitty (whose name escapes me). All the best, and congrats to you for posting.

You have no idea how many lives you may have saved today.

I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder, (which of course began after 9/11). I developed mild depression as a result of the constant panic attacks. However, I know that so many women out there are truly suffering with severe depression. And they feel alone. It helps so much to hear that someone else has overcome the same thing.

I have been ignoring this little voice in the back of my mind telling me that I should be demanding a referral to a psychologist. My general practitioner keeps medicating me and none of it is working. Every time I see him, he adds another medication despite me suggesting that I see a therapist. I will demand the referral next time I see him. Damn HMOs...

You should pat yourself on the back for using your blog as a way to help others by telling your story. Sometimes identifying with others is the best medicine.

You have no idea how many lives you may have saved today.

I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder, (which of course began after 9/11). I developed mild depression as a result of the constant panic attacks. However, I know that so many women out there are truly suffering with severe depression. And they feel alone. It helps so much to hear that someone else has overcome the same thing.

I have been ignoring this little voice in the back of my mind telling me that I should be demanding a referral to a psychologist. My general practitioner keeps medicating me and none of it is working. Every time I see him, he adds another medication despite me suggesting that I see a therapist. I will demand the referral next time I see him. Damn HMOs...

Depression and anxiety is much more common that many of us realize. Each time someone reads this today and then reads the stories of your commenters, they will realize that they are not alone and that this is something that many people are dealing with.

You should pat yourself on the back for using your blog as a way to help others by telling your story. Sometimes identifying with others is the best medicine.

Very brave post. I talked about my bouts with depression also but I was really afraid of becoming a "mental health" blog or "that depressed girl".

I had panic attacks and depression in 2002 and totally related to the medication aspect to your post. I don't think the meds really helped me. They helped me gain a bunch of weight and not deal with my real issues but didn't contribute to any kind of recovery I feel.

So, I am right there with you on how freely docs hand out meds. I think they should be only used for severe cases and therapy should be mandatory.

You are now officially my hero. Thank you for that post. It seemed like you were reading my mind/past line for line. Also thank you for voicing out depression when so many still believe it to be a stigma. You are truly a wonderful person as well as a wonderful writer. :)

NICE! I've been diagnosed with "double depression" (there's a clinical term I can never remember) which basically means I was always a sensitive child with depressive tendencies who then got hammered with it in my late teens/early twenties. I've carried with me ever since and can tell you that I will be on meds for the rest of my life.

HOWEVER, there is a BIG difference between the right dose of the right meds and ANY dose of the wrong ones- or even too much or the right ones. I once tried to switch from one to another ("It will help your PMS!", the doctor said) and had an almost 3-month long downward spiral. Had to quit grad school.

Amalah, you are wise beyond your years. How did you get such an old soul? Thanks for once again simply yet perfectly explaining a complicated and emotion-filled issue.

That was truly a plot whole. And I did not mispell that. Thank you for sharing your journey into and out again.

I was all "where did Amalah go? I neeeeeed my Amalah fix." and then you come out with this amazing and moving entry, and I realize that you were here trying to figure out how to share this with us.

Thank you. I'll try not to be such an impatient brat in the future ;)

I had a very Dark Year in 1999, then again, after 9/11. I think people think that depression always needs meds and will always need meds. I argue that sometimes, meds are a nice stop gap measure to help get you over the Hump, but they don't always have to be a permanent fix. Until someone has seen what I like to call The Fog, they don't understand depression and never will.

Thank you for sharing that. You have no idea how much it helps. I've been going through "stuff" lately and decided NOT to do the drug thing again. Some people really need the meds, but I've never been sure I was really one of them. Counseling and a few minor changes to diet/lifestyle work slower than the drugs, but I think they are helping, and it was really encouraging to read this entry.

So thanks.

Not to jump on the depression bandwagon but maybe by sharing, more people will feel less alone and will find back from where they are.

I was diagnosed with depression in college at a point when I was standing on the edge about to jump. I had no desire to live and begged to die. Lucky for me, I had the sense to check myself into a psych ward and admit I needed help.

I had wonderful people that cared enough about me to make up for what I lacked. Yes, I was put on drugs but I really think that anti-depressants for me were about helping me get up in the morning. After that, I was in control of how I went through the day. Everything is a choice and we have control over how we let our past experiences affect our current life. I think therapy was the most helpful thing in the world. If for nothing else, than to have someone else help you see what you can't. In a little over a year, I dropped the meds and wanted to do this on my own, and by this, I mean "live."

We have so much to learn in life and admitting you need help, that you are on the edge takes a lot of courage. Most of the time it is with us all along, like the cowardly lion. We just all too often need someone to help point us in the right direction.

I'm glad that Jason was there to show you where your misplaced courage was and that he stood by you while you crawled out of the dark. Every step helps you appreciate where you are going and where you have come from.

I should learn to proof:

"Not to jump on the depression bandwagon but maybe by sharing, more people will feel less alone and will find their way back from where they are."

Everytime you write something like this I want to hug you. But instead I stand around awkwardly and say durr.

I promise not to hug you, but I will give you a VERY knowing nod.

I think that's why we're such good friends, because we've both been in that horribly dark place where we would hurt ourselves. We both fought our way back to health and happiness. And, we both ended up (unexpectedly) pregnant with our beautiful babies and are living happily ever.

I love you, Amy. (But if you ever delink me...OMG!)

If I'd known you when I was editing a mental health newspaper, I so would have profiled you as a success story. It's amazing the wonderful things that can happen if we just get out of our own ways and get positioned for greatness. I'm so happy you grabbed the life preserver and continue manning the lifeboat for others!

I remember reading you when that was happening. I had no idea it was so bad. I just remember laughing my ass off over the "do not fuck with the crazy" post-it. Thank you for sharing this.

Thank you for sharing...that was a really amazing re-cap.

And one day I want to have a baby just as cute as Noah, though I will have to do some kind of changing some genes so I can have a blond baby.

As a relative late-comer to your blog, I often wondered if I missed the entries about your depression, or if just couldn't find them in your archives.

I too was and am a sufferer of depression/anxiety and after trying to self-cope for almost two years after 9/11, I finally found a psychiatrist who put me on Celexa and a brilliant psychologist who knew all the right questions to ask and exactly how to help me. The two of them saved my life.

Mental illness is scary. I'm happy you found your way out.

Thankyou for sharing your story Amy, and you're not alone - it's comforting to know that. *hugs*

Aly

You are awesome.

Hi Amy, you don't know me but I visit your site daily and sometimes leave the odd comment (but I often wonder how you could read all the comments you get, I'm amazed!). Anyway, I had to be commenter #10,083 just because I felt this is an important post. I constantly hold back my posts on depression because I don't want to be labelled / pigeon-holed as a depressed mom blog. But depression happens and to many of us it is a daily struggle. And it happens for a multitude of reasons. Thanks for sharing your time in the fog because if it just reaches one wandering soul than it was worth posting. We band together to create a strong support for the next generation we have created. Thanks for reading this Amy. (((hugs)))

Attagirl.

Thanks for filling the plot holes, and for being so damned honest. It's admirable.

Thank you for your courage. And, because of the story about your doctor, I can't help myself - I have to get on the soapbox a minute. I work with kids who are often medicated to the gills like you described. Why? Because their life sucks, they have a genetic predisposition to mental illness and it's easier for the PEDIATRICIAN to drug the kid in to a stupor than to explain to the adults in his life that he needs actual help - and maybe some meds to go with it. If you think your kid needs meds to help them, by all means take them to a PSYCHIATRIST, a doctor that actually specializes in this dangerous sh*t. Or at least make sure the doctor you are using actually knows what he/she is talking about; I know some of the pediatricians are great. And when he tells you that you and your kid are going to have to do some hard work with behavior management or whatever, be thankful he cares enough to tell you that. Officially, stepping off the soapbox now.

I love the links to Heather's site. Thank you. It is rare, in my experience, to be shown that though depression has genetic atributes there is a huge influence depending upon the coping skills that exist.

This is both a revealing and refreshing post. As always, I am impressed and happy I stumbled across you one day after googling, of all things, "Christina Aguilera Fake Boobs."

Can you hear me singing that song from "Footloose" about how you are my hero? Or, wait, is that song saying I need a hero? Cause I totally don't-- you are it, baby.

At the risk of sounding like everyone else...thank you for sharing. Having been through The Funk myself I understand a lot of what you mean. Although mine was more of a teenaged I-hate-my-life kind of thing, still scary. So yes, you made me all teary eyed, until I read your side bar. The meatstick thing? Ew. I used to gag just opening the jar for my daughter. Thankfully she's past that stage now. Only big people food for her now thankyouverymuch.

I know that you're probably getting so many emails and comments from people who've been through similar things. I can relate. The first downward spiral I did it virtually med free and it sucked. Oh god, did it suck the balls right off a donkey's taint, but I got better. After last year's miscarriage I went on meds, combined with therapy and have been on a low dose of meds even though I feel better (weaning off this drug is worse than heroin and I can't deal with morning sickness AND the hysterical laughing/crying fits at the same time. While, yes it is a disease, it's totally not all about meds and fuck your doctor for being a med pusher. It's what made me so scared to go on them the first time.

And most of mine stemmed from fertility treatments too.