It's Snot You, It's Me
Project Sweet-Ass Revealed!

A House This Clean Is Not A Home

Hey, remember when I first said we were moving? That was...a very long time ago, when I first said that.

In my delusional little heart, I thought we'd have moved by now. I thought we'd be out in the suburbs, trying to figure out if any of the neighbors were the poison-Halloween-candy types and doing suburban shit like...I don't know, apple-picking or whatever the hell.

Our condo goes on the market this weekend. THIS WEEKEND.


Who moved my cheese crap?

And it's being offered at a price that hurts my heart a little bit. Although I imagine it will hurt our next-door neighbor's heart even more, as she paid OVER a hundred grand more on a near-identical unit just last summer. But she never holds the downstairs door open for anyone and always gives me these looks like I am some kind of serial killer so you know what? Screw her. And I'm guessing our old neighbors who got that insane price last summer are probably seeing the same decline on their million-dollar home in the suburbs.

"Oh heavens! Our house is only worth $900,000! We are RUINED!"

Screw them too!

(I am way C-R-A-N-K-Y today. I also had a touch of the S-T-O-M-A-C-H F-L-U or something this weekend and spent much time in the bathroom puking up microscopic crumbs of toast. And then I re-caulked the bathtub while I was in there.)


Oh, and I locked myself out of the building this morning, while the baby was napping INSIDE OF THE BUILDING. Biiiiig shout-out of thanks for my other neighbor who closed the downstairs door after I'd propped it open while I ran some trash out to the curb, and then refused to acknowledge my persistent buzzing on the intercom 15 seconds later, like I CAN SEE YOU, RIGHT THERE THROUGH YOUR WINDOW, COME ON MAAAAN, I ONCE RESCUED YOUR CAT WHEN YOUR CLEANING LADY LET HIM ESCAPE.


Who moved my laundry piles?

God, I'm tired. (And also NOT. PREGNANT.)


1) I am apparently responsible for washing my own windows. And apparently "rain" does not count as a washing.

2) My oven is self-cleaning! Which means it cleans it own self! Which means I could have been living with a clean oven for the past five years without any effort at all!*

3)  The ugly, moldy and beat-up floor in front of my washer and dryer could have been remedied at any time with three pieces of vinyl flooring and a pair of scissors. Total cost: $2.94.


Look at my floor! My fascinating floor! Are you not fascinated? Be fascinated!

4) Paper towel holders and toasters are perhaps the most offensive items to prospective homebuyers and must be hidden away, you sick toast-eating bastard. You probably just wipe the crumbs up with a damp, non-antibacterial paper towel, too. GOD.


No paper towels or toasters here. Just gleaming white appliances and a single well-placed tomato, which is red like a heart, for the kitchen is the heart of the home, so think of the tomato like a literal beating bloody heart sitting out on your countertop. Yum!

5) The minute you box something up and stash it in a rented storage unit, you will need that exact something.


Real Estate Rule #423: Replace actual useful things on shelves with completely useless things, particularly of the wicker-basket-type variety.

5) The tax records for our unit have the square footage all wrong. I would personally like to invite the District of Columbia Office of Tax & Revenue over for a measuring party, because it's bullshit. BYOMT.**

*This is not to say I ever put any effort into cleaning my oven.
**Bring Your Own Measuring Tape, for I think mine is in the rented storage unit.


Amy's handbags would like to say how happy they are to be all lined up and bagged properly instead of lying in their customary heap.


Our realtor told us to give our storage area the "Crate & Barrel Treatment." I am guessing that has something to do with wicker baskets?



So everything is freshly painted and scrubbed and we are all pretty much afraid to move or cook or breathe on anything. Extra hangers have been removed from the closets. I ironed the shower curtain this morning. Yes, prospective homebuyers beware: I will not be held responsible for what the bathroom looks like when you hang your own wrinkly-ass shower curtain up.

I'm going back to bed now. Wake me up when we're under contract.


This place will probably not sell, and that face right there? Knows it.



Dude, if I lived in DC? I'd totally buy your house.


It is really nosy, but I find myself dying to know what you paid for it and what your asking price is.

My area is one of those few places where prices are stalled but not falling. I am fascinated by the real estate market, especially on the other coast. My condo has doubled in value, to be sure, but one like yours? That would be over $600K here.


Well at least you're looking dapper in that adorable striped headbandy-scarfy-thingy-that-is-maybe-a-tie-but-nevertheless-makes-you-look-all-adorable-and-everything.


If I didn't just move and also had a better paying job, I'd buy your house, too. Don't get too frustrated with the market and best of luck to you guys!


That is one gorgeous condo thingymajig. And so clean! You are fabulous.

P.S. Your handbags and shoes are making my head hurt. Want!

And hoorah for being early to comment this week. That rarely happens. I seriously need a life.


Your home looks awesome...very Pottery Barn-ish. I likey.

I'd buy it, except that I'm not going to live in the city, and I've got like 2.3 seconds left in the DC area.

I'm just curious what your realtor said about Noah's beautifully painted room. You don't have to paint that over, do you??


So, my sister in law to be and her fiance are moving to DC within the next few months and are looking for a house.. is it wrong to ask the list price?? I already mentioned to her that you were selling it.... :) Thanks!



Cute place! I, too, am fascinated with the real estate market. We just moved 7 mos ago and while I never want to move again, I still keep track of prices, etc. in our market. Just in case. Move here! The west coast is nice! For what you're probably selling that condo for in DC you could buy a huge house here. My place? 2700 sq. ft. on 9300 sq ft treed, flat fenced lot. 4 bdrm 4 bath, formal LR & DR, family room plus bonus, hardwood floors on main for under $400k. It's surburban utopia!

You'd probably hate it. No busses to Gymboree even possible in this suburban neighborhood.

Good luck! HOpe it sells fast.


it will sell! and you are lovely and MAYBE just MAYBE it will sell because of the CELEBRITY-Blogstress who resides there?! sweeet.

anne nahm

Bye bye great house!

Hello suburbs!


Okay, I'm a little nervous about giving the listing to the general stalkeriffic public, but anyone who is interested or might know of someone interested (completely renovated 2 bedroom, 1 bath, 1147 sq. ft. top floor loft unit with plenty of storage and street parking blah blah blaaaah) can email me.

amy at amalah dot com


Your place looks brand new and very cute. But it is sad that the tire is gone. Where did it get moved to?

Heather B.

Holy shit.


(it looked lovely before, btw. But now with extra sparkly)

(Please don't move to Potomac. Thanks)


You have de-crappified well.
I would give you at least $750,000
for it.
Right after we close on ours, which has been postponed twice - so good luck!


Heather B. is SO right--DON'T move to Potomac!

Having grown up in that area (albeit nearly 25 years ago--gaa!), I can tell you fo' sho' that it would twist Noah and scar him for life. And he's too cute for that.

But I suspect you already know better, don't you? Of COURSE you do!!


Wow! It looks really awesome! You should remember to tkae pix of every room and every corner so you can remember it :)

Also, I wanted to say I LOVE your jade plant ((Crassula ovata) OMG I am SUCH a dork) on the diningroom table. I hope you're not getting rid of it when you move! If so, OMG, I will totally take it :)


Delurking to say that I've been reading daily since your Washingtonian debut (yeah, so that was pre-Noah, don't judge) and have truly enjoyed everything you've written. I decided it was time to come out of hiding, because otherwise I'm just a stalker, no?

I'm also an editor/writer in DC, also in the finance business like you were. Your fantabulous blog makes me think of all the possibilities!

P.S. Really gorgeous condo. However, I too have chosen life in the VA 'burbs (and spend 3 hours total commuting daily, oh well). Good luck on the sell and welcome to suburbia!


I have that same wine rack hangy-thingie! :)


I am willing your house to sell all the way from out here in Oreygun! Fingers and toes crossed.


i think it will sell. i think its darn cute!

sorry to hear about the pregnancy.. uh Flu. yea sorry about the flu


And of course I meant I would pay for that shipping and whatnot too...

Passed along your info to a friend who just moved to DC and is living with a sister at the moment but I have a feeling your place is going to be too much :)


I will pay you 80 million-gazillion dollars to come make my house look that good. Really. Okay, I don't have that much, but I will totally get your drunk and write you a check for that amount!


Holy shit you're way ahead of me and I started painting my place back in June. Oh well, my place will be on the market in November. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it sells quickly.


Proofreading would be good. I meant to say that I'll keep my fingers crossed that your place sells quickly.



You did a fantastic job, it looks gorgeous.
We used to do that too, right before an open house. Now we are back to our lazy, messy selves...we gave up and took it off the market. When we sold a condo in Woodbridge last year, it was under contract within 3 days! You guys will be outta there in no time.

Can't wait for the updates...

Ms. C

The cleanliness and organizedness of the joint is making me a bit nauseous. In a good way.


Your home is beautious!! I especially love the bedroom.

In case you are wondering where the clutter went, I think it is here because I am wondering what happened in my house!!

I also had no knowledge of paper towels being offensive. Did you hide the toilet paper, too? Because that would just be funny.

Now I must clean the bastard crumbs from my counters with the offending Bounty.


Your home is beautious!! I especially love the bedroom.

In case you are wondering where the clutter went, I think it is here because I am wondering what happened in my house!!

I also had no knowledge of paper towels being offensive. Did you hide the toilet paper, too? Because that would just be funny.

Now I must clean the bastard crumbs from my counters with the offending Bounty.


Sorry, my computer must have like my comment so much it decided to post it twice!

Lady S

A bunch of the blogs I read are by people who are moving. I keep thinking their houses look so nice that maybe I should give mine the "House For Sale" treatment.

Looks good. Makes me laugh to think how much you will get for your condo (which is smaller than my house), knowing it is 5-6 times what my house is worth in Southern Vermont.


Wow. What a beautiful condo! I just got off the selling/buying roler coaster. I will not move again! It took us about a year from deciding to move until we actually started building and selling and then moving. Good luck to you. I hope it sells for what you want.

Miss W you tell the smackdown you can't do headscarves either...and then? Lo! A headscarf! Liar!

Also? I'm damn jealous of the condo. I once had a loft apartment quite similar and I had visions of it looking like that, but, you know...rental and all. Grrr! And now? Baby. Responsibility. Sensible living in a regular house.


My instinct is to be all 'Oh, Amy, you sweet gorgeous creature, everything will be all right. It'll not only sell, it'll sell for twice what you're asking, blah blah blah".

However, I got a boo boo on my eye and have to wear my glasses which makes me squint because for some reason I think I can't see if I'm only wearing glasses and so I get a bitch of a headache and oh yeah, the roof is leaking, and the rain is of biblical proportions.

So...the upshot here is..yeah..I agree with you Life's a Bitch. At least right at the moment.

Maybe it'll be better for both of tomorrow, because God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again! (whoo, I just veered right off into Scarlet quoting crazy right there at the end, didn't I?)


Now that you're done cleaning your place, why not come over and clean mine?

I pay in beer.


Good luck! My house has been on the market (in Chicago) since JUNE! It totally sucks. We finally moved into the new house and are the super retarded type of people who are paying TWO mortages. I would suggest burying a St. Joseph statue somewhere in a yard-like place. However, it TOTALLY hasn't worked for us when I buried it and wrote in my blog about it. Our St. Joe is still upside down in my yard that is about to be frozen in the Chicago winter!

Hope you have way better luck!


Wow! It looks so good! Hope it sells quickly for you!


I'm in the midst of trying to sell mine own damn house, too. I did a lot of decluttering, putting crap in the attic, and general cleaning. But you have me beat by miles, lady! I'm sure your place will sell, it is lovely. Oh, i put out a plate of fresh cookies for whomever looked at my house today... hopefully that will make my cute little starter house stick in their heads as they view the OTHER ten cute little starter houses currently for sale in my neighborhood. Gaaaahhh.


You guys did a great job sprucing the place up! It looks great. Good luck with selling it!


Oh! I forgot! That big boot drawing from the last post? Yeah, that big boot should totally be kicking the un-door-propping neightbor in the head. What an asshat!


Can you blame the internet for hoping that you're pregnant again? May I remind you about how adorable Noah is?

Also, the last picture? I think you look adorable

Best of luck with your sell.


Where is the tire?


I am officially dreading ever selling our house!


Hey, maybe you're pregnant ... just kidding. Really! Good luck with the house selling.


Looks great! I hope you guys sell it quickly. Have you found a house in the burbs yet?


I think it looks better than most of the homes shown on HGTV's House Hunters. It looks great!

Sarah Marie

What an interesting post about your domestic space--consider me fascinated!

Also, the kitchen walls? Totally looked better in blue. Did you end up doing them yourself?

P.S. What is Noah going to be for Halloween???

Wacky Mommy

Good grief. I was just wondering what you were up to.


Listen, lady, I'm in the market for a home (in the next year or so), and yours looks excellent. Only, I'm in Dallas and you're not. Sorry about that.


I can't believe you caulked your tub after/while puking. Kudos! ;)

Lisa V

Shit Desiree stole my comment. I miss the tire. It said lived in to me.


I loved this post, particularly the bits about Crate & Barrel, the toaster, and the paper towels. I think the stomach flu and all that cleaning have made you extra special snarky and witty, and I will gladly reap the benefits. :)


Very pretty! I am so inspired by your Pottery Barn / Crate and Barrel like home. Maybe I will go organize my house - maybe not :) Good Luck!


I MUST know where you got that hanging wine rack thingy. I soooo need it!

And the place looks great. I'm quite jealous as my condo looks tiny compared to that and is a huge mess since I've barely been home during the past three weeks.


Looks great. Two things:

1. We have the same tea kettle. For something so expensive, isn't it annoying how the handle always gets hot?

2. Try simmering cinammon sticks in water on the stove a the morning of the open house. It leaves a nice "fresh baked" smell for the house hunters.


The condo looks amazing! Where is the tire? Are tires offensive to homebuyers as well?


you're scaring the shit out of me.

ah, but still. The bubble has not burst. You will sell, and profit. Fear not.


I would totally buy it if it came equipped with a nice tire. No tire = no deal.


Your condo is gorgeous! I love the wood floors. You won't have any problem selling it, I'm sure.

Take care of yourself!


"you sick toast-eating bastard" literally made me snort tea out my nose. I am going to call my husband that the next time he makes toast. Funny!


Very cute place! We just sold our house pretty quickly for more than asking price. I'll offer a teeny piece of assvice: Put one or two generic decorative items (maybe a glass vase to pick up light?) on top of your kitchen cabinet space to bring the eye up, makes the space seem bigger.


But what about the tire?


Please assure us that the tire is safely tucked away in storage and that it will be lovingly unpacked in your new home!

Diapers To Donuts Dad

Let's face it, the problem with selling a condo/house is that you have to deal with whacked out soccer moms turned realtors who have decided that the only way to help their offspring survive is to manipulate you into selling your house for peanuts so they can buy a new Yukon and ferry around their spoiled kids in the back whule they play with those ridiclous brat dolls. BEWARE!


Your house is gorgeous. I would buy it if I had the money. And lived in DC.


Don't you feel like now you are clean and decluttered you don't want to move? That is my motivation for living in muck & filth... Don't want to get that crazy moving bug! I had my carpets cleaned today and even the dogs are saying, "Hmm. Interesting. What is that smell? Clean, eh? Never heard of it."

Exiled to Canada

Awesome! My fever just broke from my own flu adventure (not the stomach variety, the everything aches including my skin variety) today and I have a lovely Amalah post to read while I am wide the fuck awake at 11:50pm! I think you painted the kitchen the exact same shade of "Please Buy Me" yellow we painted ours before we sold. It may take a littlte longer to sell these days but I think it'll go pretty fast. That's a lot of square footage for DC and a nice area, so don't worry too much. The place looks fantastic!


It does look great.

Did your realtor give you those tips or did they come from some book? Some non-toast eating, paper towel-free book?

Y from the internet

You think you invented selling houses.

(p.s. We just bought Andrew that bedroom set. IKEA! WEEEE!)


You are pretty. And your home will sell. It's pretty, too!


Uh, yeah, I'd love to own that condo! It looks fabulous!


I'm exhausted just looking at how polished your home is, so I imagine you must be. It looks fabulous.

Sending good vibes your way.

for Joke!

So, did you buy the new place yet? How does the timing work?

Good luck selling! We just bought in Amsterdam and the housing market is KILL-ER let me tell you. I fought tooth and nail for MONTHS trying to find a place to live and buy it.

But in other news, we just heard on the news that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie bought a house down the street from us. Hee! Wonder if they will actually live here though?

Kate The Great

Whoa, if I weren't a broke ass college student living in Japan, I would buy your condo in a second!

...but I'm sure you'll get that excuse a lot ;)

Your house is so cute! I wouldn't worry about it selling =)

Salsa Queen

Tire in storage=new tire swing for Noah at the new house! Wheeee! Or...will the tire be painted white so Noah can trick-or-treat as the Michelin Man?

Katie Kat

You need to start a business where you de-clutterfy people's homes before they sell them! Your place looks AWESOME. But I do not envy you the task of not breathing or eating or showering or living a normal life until it sells, so as not to give any prospective buyer the idea that you actually LIVE there.

Good luck selling (and feel better soon)!


Ok, not to sound too weird or anything, but man I would kill for those floors! My husband and I just bought a house like 3 months ago and those pictures are SO much better than like 99% of the houses we looked at along the way! Hopefully it won't be as scary as you think.. of course I'm never selling my house because the thought of having strange people in it on a regular basis.. people that might actually even touch my stuff? EW!


I've just moved into my new house and believe me it'll be worth all this! I wouldn't allow my hubby to sit down, drink or eat, or move ANYTHING before we had open viewings...

Your house looks lovely, why are you selling?!!


See, there is no freaking way we could get that clean. We have to sell our house AFTER we move out of it. Bridge loan, here we come! Of course, after the baby, cause doing all the decluttering and moving with a brand new baby and 3 other kids......form of torture.


Wow, someone who's currently NOT PREGNANT has been watching way too much Sell This House. If you ever need a clutter fix let me know, I have piles of clutter and crap galore in my house. Right. Now. Good luck with the sale!


What the fuck? RAIN doesn't count????


Bonanza Jellybean

Well, I now know why I live where I do. $900,000? Man. We have a 3 bedroom, 2 bath brick home on 12 acres completely fenced and cleared, and we paid $95,000.
Move three states south and a whole zero disappears!! Of course, yu have to put up with crappy schools and rednecks populating every spare square inch and no liquor sales after 7 on Saturday because God doesn't like it, but the houses are cheap. :)


Your house looks fantastic. Hello? Better Homes and Gardens?


Come on over to Del Ray - it's a baby, dog, and cat haven.


You totally need to do an Advice Smackdown about staging a house. Or get on a plane and come to MY house and stage it.

Either way.


Your condo looks rad. However, having neighbors that live in the SAME building -- as you've discovered -- sucks. I've just recently discovered the joys of seperated living, and it kicks ass.


Another real estate trick is to place a small dish of vanilla extract into the oven and turn it on really low right before you show the house. It gives the image of cookies baking in the oven.

I forgot about the damn little dish, and instead of the comforts of home cooking, my house smelled like burned crap. But, Hey!! the people bought it anyway.


Oh I so feel your pain. We put the house on the market back in the spring!


Out here in Fairfax Co., our prices have stopped going up at stupid rates, but they haven't reversed or completely stalled (and I want to know who's BUYING these million dollar houses, roughly 25 of which have been built within half a mile of our little house in the last two years).


Good Luck on selling the place Amy! It looks fabulous!!

Amy W

Good luck, the place looks great. I feel your pain though, our house in the No. Va. suburbs did not sell this past spring and we had already signed a contract on a home in NC. So we rented and are hoping that the market will be different next summer.


Bake chocolate chip cookies the morning of your open house. It works like magic. You don't even have to leave the cookies on the table, although that would be nice....just the smell is enough. Your house is bee-yoo-ti-ful!


I love your house. I'd buy your house. Even if it were cluttered, I'd buy it. :)


Looks great! Good luck. :)


Can we see Noah's room?!


The house is beautiful! Good luck with all the home buying falderall.


Okay, your condo is huge and beautiful. And I think I own that same scarf... from Gap? I wear it as a belt. I'll have to try it in my hair. Thanks!

I don't want to think about "selling" our Chicago condo in a year or two. So I won't.


ARGH. I am going through the same crappy thing right now, with a 2 year old. While my husband is out in the boonies all week fishing. If he wasn't actually gettting paid to fish in freezing temperatures I'd kick his ass.

I think it's so retarded how the realtors tell you to make your house like some sort of fantasy living space when you have a small child. "Hey, you should move that bookcase and that 3-tonne plant!" "Hey, you should feel my foot in your ass!"

What fun.


So I'm confused, did you buy another house, or are you selling first (we also want to move and are struggling w/ the which way to do things and I want to see how the wise amalah is handling it).


Ok, I almost never post BUT I have to say - having just sold a condo in Logan Circle earlier this year and being very close friends with a real estate agent ... if there's any way you guys can suck it up and wait until the spring market (approx March - Mem Day), DO IT. Timing is everything and the realtor probably is not levelling with you because she wants your listing. Your place is gorge, but inventory is insanely high - it's so hard to deal with because I bought in the same market you did, and priced my unit WAY lower than I wanted to on my friend's advice. However, it was the only thing to move in my building so far this year, and there are about 7 units on the market at any given time. Regardless of what you decide, my fingers are crossed for you.


OMG! Congrats on your pregnancy!!

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