Weekend Report: I Almost Electrocuted Myself
A House This Clean Is Not A Home

It's Snot You, It's Me


Soon after I posted The Entry That Proves Amy Could Probably Discover The Fountain Of Youth And Still Find Something To Complain About, Like Maybe The Fountain Is A Tad Over-Chlorinated For Her Tastes, I got an email from the always-eloquent Blue Poppy:

Listen kid, you are ill.  Your baby (okay, he's a toddler, but I'm not ready for him to grow up so fast so baby it is) has been SICK SICK SICK and all of that is deeply wearying.

Deeply wearying.

It can cause a loss of morale and energy.  It can cause you to think everything in your life is fucked up.  But it is not.  You are simply sick.  Your baby is sick.  You are tired and spent and need a good long week at Canyon Ranch.

And behold. She was right. I'd underestimated the Impact of the Sick. (What Is With The Random Capitalization Today? Perhaps My Possessed Pinkie Finger Is Having An Affair With The Shift Key? Oh My God, Intrigue!) I'd forgotten just how deeply wearying it is when the primary focus of your day is wiping snot off a cranky, protesting toddler and then, when you finally have a few minutes to write about your day, all you can type is: SNOT SNOT SNOT SNOT ALL SNOT AND NO WINE MAKES AMY A DULL SNOT.

It is, indeed, deeply wearying and deserving of its own paragraph for emphasis.

But the good news is that we are no longer sick. Noah's molars haven't cut through yet -- but at least the swelling has gone down and the black and blue gums are now a nice shade of purple. I like purple. The maintenance and upkeep of his bodily fluids require a more reasonable level of effort, PLUS I've discovered that he really, really likes hummus and he now perpetually smells like garlic. I also like garlic.

Of course, today is...Wednesday. Which means...oh, God. And I still haven't gotten my damn car fixed which means... Although I did sort of make a friend who offered to give me a ride but she's not returning my phone calls, probably because she found out that I lied when I said I was a freelance writer because please, I write about snot on teh Internet, la dee fricking daaaaa, or maybe she doesn't like babies who smell like garlic and oh, God, I have to take the fucking bus to Gymboree again blah blah snake eating own tail vicious circle blah blah SNOT.

Wait. Here. You don't even have to imagine kicking me in the head. I've got it covered:


You are welcome.



Ha! You have mad paint skills!
Love it.

Suzy Q

Is that poop in your hair?

Karen Rani

Yor drawring iz da bestest!!!111!


Garlic Baby. A new scent from Sephora.

Vaguely Urban

More than Canyon Ranch, it sounds like you need a long weekend tromping through the pretty, pretty woods by Blue Poppy's house. With Blue Poppy.


"Satan loves caps lock."

Jesus Christ, you're funny.

Bonanza Jellybean

Can't you and Noah take a "Sick Day" from gymboree? I mean, just because you're home doesn't mean you don't get sick days.


I think you may have missed your calling as a commic illustrator (or whatever they're called). That is a great picture. I love it! :)


I would love to come live in your head for just one day. It would probably be enough to get me through the rest of life! You are just too funny for words. And quite the talented artist to boot (ha ha, to boot, you get it? To Boot. Oh, nevermind, I can't compete.)


Does Noah still have those irresistable chubby thighs? Because if those thighs smell like garlic, you must be munching on garlic baby thighs All Day Long.


Dude, Caps Lock IS INDEED the work of Satan. Right on. Hummus IS awesome, but I've found that nothing makes a baby happier then when I have a boilermaker or two. (he shares, of course)

Melissa F.

Love the drawing!! Hope you get the rest you deserve! And I'm thinking that my left hand is in love with the exclamation point. God help me!!


Hang in there!!!! It doesn;t sound fun at all and beside porr you- poor Noah too!

Maybe skip Gymboree and go to Starbucks instead?? You deserve it!



Kneel before Zod...and try not to get any snot on his boots.

Or his Tire.


You know you read Amy's blog too much when you have dreams-

About her snotty toddler.

Ok, the snotty toddler part was a lie.

The creepy dream part- not.

Hey! Whatever happened to your babysitter? I'm nosy and must know everything about anything you have ever posted because well, your in my dreams now, Amy.


WAH hahahahah! Have you thought about becoming a freelance artist...? 'cause THATS a mighty fine example of almost-political cartooning!


We could have snot wars, ya know. Mamas vs. babies...

right when I think I finally won the snot wipe up, he'll turn away and then turn back real quick for a big kiss, and then I realize I am not only drowning in drool, but big bubble snot as well.
hmmm MmmMmmMm, yea.


What are you doing WRITING? With those amazing paint skills, you have a serious career opportunity in graphic design! Wow! :) Hope you make it to Gymboree in under 4 hours today. ;)

Anne Glamore

Wow, your roots are as bad as mine, but I'm about to take matters into my own hands....

Glad people are feeling better around there.

Y from the internet

My Paint skillz are way better than yours. haha.

I love you, man.


dude, you should consider becoming a freelance graphic designer. serious. ;-)


Oh my gosh--I totally HAVE those boots! But mine are in brown...

Matt in London

I couldn't resist a good night kiss from my snotty (near) two year old last night, which meant I ended up with a mouth and face full of snot that wasn't even my own :-(


I'm a huge fan of illustrating my point on my blog, and am so glad you've given in to the temptation.

Not that I've ever wanted to kick you in the head with my stompy yet fashionable boot.

Because I haven't.


We don't respect our body's need to rest when we're sick because we're so go! go! go!. Productivity is the devil when you're sick.

Poor teething babe. I remember teething well. Not my own, of course, but my chillin's.

Thank *god* that's over!

Have fun at Gymboree!


Oh, that was great. I love the drawing. I'd give you a ride to gymboree any day.


Where can I get me some of those there stompy but fashionable boots? Zappos?


Hooray for wellness!


you make me giggle!

some girl

Kids sound so gross! I'm just curious, what's the grossest thing you ever had to do for your child?

Cleaning up snot full of infectious particles seems like it might be, but then again, I am naive. My mom did tell me once that she had to suck my snot into her own mouth because the snot-sucking bulb thing wasn't working. NAS-TY! Now that's love.


The sick is wearying even without a baby who is also sick (I have been sick for a month - bah!)But laughter is the best medicine, aparently, so thanks for the laugh. The drawing is hillarious.


I think I just threw up a little. Thanks a lot, some girl. Perhaps I am not mom material.


you slay me. but is that stompy boot and UGG? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!


Have fun at Gymboree, and yeah the snot too :)


Hi I dreamt about you and Jason and Noah and an unidentified (but really nice, too bad I don't know who she was) blogger last night and we all totally went to this amazing resort with crystal clear clean water. And I am a wee bit wigged out because my subconscience is a stalker. But, you seemed really relaxed and happy in the dream so I think you should take a nice mini vacation now that the world is snot free again.

And I laughed hysterically at your illustration. I am glad you got the dark roots in the back, I feel ya there.


LOL! I hereby reccommend that you add illustrations to all of your future posts.

But no, that is not my leg in any boot near your head. I feel for ya, girl. :)


But Wednesday also means Lost and Project Runway... so... you know... yay?

News Mom V

What you need is a babysitter...even for just a couple of hours. Then go out and get some highlights, buy new boots and most importantly, meet a friend for lunch for some adult conversation. I guarantee you'll feel better immediately.

News Mom V

Or at least buy some new boots for the person kicking you in the head.


Are those Ugg boots?

How gauche.



CAH-RYYYY-INGA! Over here!

Too funny.


It is so true about a sick toddler making you feel like the end of the world is near.

Just this weekend, my little angel had one of those days where he tortured me all day with tantrum after tantrum. By the end of the day I was convinced I had the worst behaved child in the world, I was the worst mother in the world, and that my life officially sucked. By the next day, after a good night sleep, he was back to his old self again and so was I. Just one day of that can make you batty... a whole week can make you want to jump off a bridge.

yet another from the legions of Amys

LOVE the Old Skool Paint drawing. More, please! And News Mom V has a great suggestion; maybe I'll try that too.


I think all the snot has gone to your head!!! We are dealing with the attack of the snot here as well. Yuck Yuck Yuck. The babies, they are moist.

Her Bad Mother

Sweetney called the Ugg - worse, a BLACK Ugg - and I gotta ask: is that a comment on your readers? Fashion-challenged stick-figures with impulse control issues?

'Cause, um, spot on.

Mrs. Flinger

I've had some secret love Affair with The Shift key for some time NOW. Join my Club. ShiFt Key AnnonyMous.


Ack! Snot!

sigh, now you've got me doing it too!

All this talk about snot has started the mighty River of Phelgm a-flowing...someone pass me a Kleenex!


Gotta say, I wasn't expecting the drawing. Cracked me up. I particularly loved the "SATAN LOVES CAPS LOCK WOO" bubble. Hahahaha!!!

Wacky Mommy

I would never kick you, but especially not when you're down. You had NO PROBLEMS AT ALL until Gymboree came along. I'd just like to point this out.


Sorry you're in snot-city, but that drawing is killing me.

Sarah Marie

Ya'll probably got sick FROM Gymboree.

Skip it and just get a couple more tires in the living room. Same thing, right? Plus I think Tire must be lonely by now. They travel in packs you know.


oh happy day that assvice that wasn't

and? Canyon Ranch? this is KEY to the full recovery. Jason will understand. KEY.

Dad Gone Mad

The only way you'd get me to mingle with the germ-bag, snotbuckets at Gymboree is to immerse me in a plastic bubble, Travolta-style.

Paint THAT, boot-to-the-blonde-head lady! PWNED!

Katie Kat

I'm a caps lock JUNKIE! And I use WAYYY too many exclamation points! I love reading your blog because it makes my day seem important too, what with all the things that go on in my life as a stay at home mom (SAHM!) to a teething, cranky, SNOT producing one year old. You are my security blankie that I can make it through another day. YAY AMY!!!!! Thanks for the laughs sweetie...


Sweet! Does this mean I can point my husband to your blog and say, "Look! See how shapely my legs have become in your absence?!"


That picture F*CKING ROCKS.



I wanna see your Paint version of snotty Noah!

*virtual hugs*


The garlic will be good for repelling the Vampires.


Uh, my legs aren't that shapely.

Boop Shoop

awesome. love the sketch.
and yes, we all feel like almost discombobulated bobbleheads on ocassion (again, awesome sketch). It's par for the course me lady.


Too freaking funny!


I have also been wondering what happened to the awesome Nanny you had discovered. One entry and *poof* she is gone.

Glad to hear you are all now snot free, sorry about your luck with Gymboree. The fact that it rhymes should be another sign, down with Gymboree!


Good To See Your Feeling Better.


The nanny went back to college in August. Wah.


Aw. My leg is much thinner than normal!


Sweet illustration there Amy...fabulous! I'm glad that Noah is feeling better. I hope that Gymboree didn't kick your ass this time!


I'm assuming Noah did the drawing at that he's a GENIUS baby...right?! 'Cause grownups don't do stick people, come on!
And CAP LOCKS is MUCH better than multiple exclamation points!!!!!! I belong to a group!!! And one woman puts at LEAST three at then end of every sentence!!!! It's REALLY annoying!!!!!!

miss cavendish

Dear Amalah,

It is extraordinary how mercurial a mother's moods can be. I have three children--7, 4, 16 months--all in various stages of a nasty cold, all of whom are home when two of them should be at school. After getting little to no sleep for the last two nights I felt utterly incapable of doing ANYTHING, let alone pouring another cup of apple juice for my sweet sick lassie. And OMG, being at home is not easy. I'm on sabbatical through January and have yet to find a balance between my work (writing academic articles) and childcare.

But today, after my husband took the early morning shift, I feel like a new person who can not only pour juice but mix oatmeal, even organize an art activity while plotting a trenchant letter to the editor about "no child left behind: the college version."

Anyway, this is all to say that if we (I?) understand why we feel lousy, that's half the battle to feeling fine again.

Glad to hear that the young lad is feeling better.




I saw a sign in Kansas City once that said "Protect Me From What I Want." I took a picture of it and have it hanging in my home office.


this is priceless:


I almost pee'd my pants when I saw that cartoon.


Oh dear lord, woman, where are your LEGS??? I at least expected you to be wearing some kicky boots in the cartoon.

Teacher Jane

I feel as though I would refrain from kicking you with my stompy -- yet fashionable boot -- and would instead roll over you with a tire. People keep them handy these days, I hear.

Or maybe I'd flash a picture of Mount Vesuvius and watch you crumble into a pile of dust?

But then there'd be no baby pictures. Teh Interweb needs Gymboree pictures, stat.


You are totally rockin' the Paint.


I missed to comment on yesterday's post. I just wanted to say, I know how you feel. When something you found fun is no longer your passion, then it just becomes work. And work is no fun.

So follow your heart and do what is best for you, and fun, because without fun, life would be pretty shitty.



Amy, I love you.


Aw, I always wished I could draw. You're putting me to shame.

Glad the snot is trickling to an end.


Is your chin pooping?


lol awesome drawing!! i cant even draw half that good sad i know

big hugs!


because self-abuse can be fun!


(and don't I know it. I get high off of self-flagellation. that sounds dirty. sorry. I'm kinda dirty.)

(or maybe I should just stick with caning? so much more popular in recent times. and popular is what counts, non?)

(and what am I going on about? when I really just wanted to try and make you laugh at something other than your self-inflicted flagellation wounds for a teeny slice of time? see? I need to go find my cane.)

some girl

if her chin is pooping it has multiple, um, poop holes.

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