Molarball
Alternate Reality Blogging

Ouroboros

Noah is still sick. I am still sick. Jason claims to be feeling better, but I think he just got sick of changing Noah's never-ending stream (ew) of sick diapers and decided going back to work was a good idea.

I'm sick of writing about Noah being sick. I'm sick of reading about other people's sick kids. The ClubMom gig has led to some serious mommyblog burnout, which makes me feel like an asshole, what with all the eye-rolling and God, can't anybody write anything that's not about their preshus boring baby, and also YOU! YOU THERE! GET OFF YOUR GODDAMNED PARENTING HIGH HORSE, CHILL OUT AND MAYBE THINK ABOUT GETTING A HOBBY THAT IS NOT CHILD-RELATED OMG.

(It just got verrrrry meta in here, didn't it?)

I guess I've veered into a blogjam, and I'm kind of stuck. I'm burned-out. I'm in a rut. I'm bored with myself, my writing, my whole "schtick" or whatever. Run-on sentence, lots of commas and modifiers, caps lock at the end for emphasis, rinse, repeat. Day after day. Over and over. Without the freedom (see: sellout, dirty whore money) to take a break or even (gasp!) walk away entirely.

Which is something I never would have even THOUGHT about doing until...I realized that I just plain couldn't.

Ugh. I feel ridiculous even writing this. "Hi readers! Thanks to your readership, I'm living the dream! The paid blogging dream! And now feel sorry for me while I whine about it, because oh, the pressure! 'Tis unbearable! Ack, alas, woe, bah."

Dear God, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Hell, I don't even feel sorry for me. I actually wish it were possible to deliver a backhanded bitchslap to my own damn self, because GET IT TOGETHER WOMAN.

(See? See that? Caps lock at the end. What makes me do that? Why can't I stop doing that? Why is it taking all my strength from letting my pinkie finger hit caps lock RIGHT NOW?)

(My pinkie finger! Is posessed!)

Yesterday I decided to write about something different. Something besides Gymboree or Blue's Clues or moving or yet another entry about the endless all-consuming joy that is motherhood or blah blah tire blah baby snot poop blah.

I thought, "Hey! I want to write about what a not-so-secret nerd I am. I want to write about how I spend my days refreshing Lonelygirl15.com in hopes for a new episode (damn you Sweetney!). I want to write about hunting for cassieiswatching ARG clues because seriously: am uber-nerd. I wonder if anybody else out there wants to go geocaching (damn you Sundry!)? I wonder if anybody else is obsessed as I am with all these YouTube vloggers all of a sudden? I wonder if anybody else knows how to pronounce the word vlog?"

And every time I tried to write something, I froze. I mean, Alternate Reality Games on a mommyblog? What if people had no idea what I was talking about? What if people just whined because I didn't include any baby pictures? What if I really can't write anything that's not about my preshus baby?

Somewhere along the way this stopped being fun. Somewhere along the way I became too aware of my audience, my critics and their expectations. Somewhere along the way I stopped doing this because I wanted to.

The other night I dreamt I emailed my old boss and asked to go back to work part-time -- just a couple days a week. He said yes, and the feeling of pure relief -- the feeling of an enormous weight being lifted off my shoulders -- was one I still vividly remembered when I woke up.

Bah.

Comments

JustLinda

Life. It ain't ever easy, huh?

Personally, I think you're a riot. I love your writing style including the caps at the end (thank you, Amalah's possessed pinky!) and I think you should write about whatever it is you want to write about. I'm not a gamer person and I don't go to any of those other sites but dammit, I'd still read it because you're funny.

I come her for the laughs and I can laugh about almost anything, I think. Go for it!

I mean, hell, Noah is only a year old and your blog is older than that, so obviously you wrote about other stuff besides Noah BEFORE, right???

Isabel

Um, you just said so many words that I had never heard before. And you may have now introduced me to some new favorites. Hello...video blogs that may or may not be real?! I love it.

I think we need more nerd-related items.

(here's to feeling better about stuff.)

sweetney

as you know, i often go FOR WHOLE ENTIRE DAYS without even mentioning the fact that i *have* a child. so either that makes me a bad mommyblogger or just, umm, *myself*.

write about what you want. what interests you? what fascinates you? what amuses you? even if other people don't dig it, at least you were true to yourself.

break the fucking rules, baby. xo

Cagey

I think it's perfectly normal to experience Blog Blahs every once in awhile - and you have THREE to fret over. Don't be so hard on yourself. Are you your own Audience of One? You should be, so write about whatever you WANT to write about over here.

Theresa

Eeek! I am SO GLAD you said that about LonelyGirl15 and Cassieiswatching - I'm SO TOTALLY OBSESSED.

Also we'll love you no matter what you do or don't do. :-)

Jenn

Ha! I just wrote about geocaching a few weeks ago, my husband is totally obsessed...
http://unfinishedobject.blogspot.com/2006/09/everything-you-need-to-know-about.html

(I am totally a nerd, but not enough of a nerd to know how to make links in people's comments.)

Sorry that you have a case of blogstipation, being sick probably isn't helping you feel any better about it. Hope that all of you are feeling better soon!

SJ

I love your blog. I love your style. I love your humor. Sounds like a lot of others do too. You would be missed - so hang in there! Oh, and you must try geocaching! It's AWESOME.

Silly Hily

Amalah, I love your blog. I love your writing. I would love to hate you because you really are living every blogger's dream but I just can't. You are too good. I can't stay away. This is just a suggestion and it will probably get shot down but have you maybe thought about turning comments off every now and then. That way, you can just write and not even be tempted to read what anyone else thinks. Honestly, you shouldn't have to worry about what we think because we all love you no matter what.

Hopefully you are just in a funk and it will pass very, very soon. Hugs.

Kim at allconsuming

Yeah, that sucks. Here is where I enter with sage advice and salient words of wisdom. But I got nothin'. Sometimes it all sucks, sometimes we feel trapped and overwhelmed in whatever the choices are that we have made. Bummer huh.

Neena

Do I need to be the 101st person to tell you that you're seriously awesome? I'll be honest, I didn't realy all the comments (I mean, who has the time?)

I don't have a kid - although I have an appreciation for them and think I might be secretly in love with your little Noah.

I wear some makeup, although I'm sure my makeup collection would make you cringe. Yet, I still read your old entries and the Advice Smackdown religiously.

You have the ability to make just about anything entertaining and have a fantastic way with words!

We heart you, Amalah!! Don't go back to your job...unless it's to race down the hallways in those boxes again...because that looked like fun!

Paige

I wonder if you can write about non-parenting blogs on the club mom gig? I mean, I know mostly the whole point is mommy blogs and whatnot, but I like fun blogs other than mommy blogs. Also, I read a few club mom blogs but I'm not a mom and like other things too. I write (used to, at least ha ha) a non- mom blog because I'm not a mommy, and would like to see other ones- weight loss related, work related, relationship related, etc. etc. just a thought?

rosalicious

I often wonder how those of you who multi-blog keep it fresh! Dude. I can barely keep up with one.

Be yourself. You can't please anyone else, nor should you try.

And you are very loved! Look at how many people write like you in their comments! =)

bon

Wooo! Geocaching, we are SO very getting a GPS for Christmas. Maybe not a fancy-shmancy-bells-&-whistles GPS but this is UTAH! Home of the uber-dooper cache fun. Must have.

I'd be likely to read Amalah if you wrote about fishing... and that's saying alot.

Anna

This has already been said I'm sure, but for what it's worth: I read you because I like you. Not because you have a baby, not because said baby is cute, not because you have a schtick. But because I find you funny and smart and you make me laugh at least three times a week. I have two young children but I don't read you because you're a mommy. I recommend you to my friends that don't have kids because you're one of my favorite writers and they think you're funny as hell too. And as far as the caps lock goes, well, didn't you say you were going to stop being so hard on yourself?

Aly

Being stuck on a rut happens. Don't let it get you down. I can understand you on the MommyBlogging thing; even I get a bit tired of reading that sometimes, and I'm not even a freaking mom. Or mum. Whatever.

Try and remember the things that made it fun in the first place.

-Aly

dawn

I thought the whole point of blogging was to write about having no real life. ;)

And if you REALLY wanted to come back, I have a full-time position or two I can sell ya over in my group!

NDC

I've been reading your blog for a few months and truly enjoy every one. I can see where the burnout comes from... sometimes you just need some silence in life.

I've really enjoyed the few drunk blogs you've left... maybe you can try those for a while - and in the morning you won't remember writting them, so it's a win-win.

ps- the mommy stuff may be getting old to you, but for those of us who don't have kids, you give more advice and preparation than you may realize. Thx!

de

Hell dude, I am totally in the same boat as you. I feel like I'm kicking my own ass mentally because I can't get it together, and I don't even know what the crap IT is.

Seriously calls for a glass, or better yet, a whole bottle of Zin.gah.

Amber

I can totally see how you can get burnt out. It's hard coming up with things to write about, i can't imagine having to do it in multiple forums every day.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. And please don't deprive us of pictures of Noah.

Sadie

Reading through the comments again, I have to say that Silly Hily might have a great idea. It would probably do you some good to turn the comments off sometimes...I mean, I know you want your legions of peeps to feel you're accessible and all, but sometimes this comments section is totally overwhelming and annoying. And I think the constant avalanche of praise and commentary must be a lot of pressure for you, the writer. Because now you feel like you have to write for this audience, instead of the stream-of-consciousness-devil-may-care writing you are so good at. That's the writing that got people here in the first place.

Karen

A long, long time ago, I met you through a mutual friend who later told me about your blog. But I started reading and haven't stopped! I'm hooked on many, many sites now thanks to you. And even more thanks goes to you because I found it to be an inspiration and a great idea. See I made this move overseas and was dreading all the emails about the same thing over and over again. And it hit me that you right a blog! And I could write a blog too! Ok, it won't be as good because I am not a writer of any sorts but it could be fun and useful. So I did. All thanks to you!

Even I have days where I am not doing anything fun or very interesting. Some of those days I write about nonsense and some days I just don't write. It's hard coming up with something to say all the time that you internally deem worthwhile. But I keep reading you because I like your schtick no matter what it is.

Just telling you all this so you know how important your blog is! Hope you feel re-inspired soon!

KTinDC

Ummmkay. I started reading Jason's blog, then made my way to yours. I kept reading because I think you're a talented and gifted writer. And because I'm also a youngish editor-type who lives in DC, but you're just SO much more interesting. Honestly? When you got pregnant, I was like, "Oy, this is going to become a mommy blog." But yet I keep reading. (Helps that you have the cutest kid on Earth.) You share your life with us and treat us like friends. You're growing as a writer and you make anything compelling. Don't worry about "your people." You could write about dryer lint and we'd read it. We're with you, no matter what.

ali

Just want to say: I have an ouroboros tattoo on my back, and I love it. My favorite tattoo.

It makes me sad that you use it to invoke something sad and frustrating.

Is basically a positive image...

Well, we're all glad you're here, and writing, but, it's not about us.

xoxo

Suebob

Well, if it means anything at all, your blog is one of those that, when I see it has refreshed in my bloglines, I think "AMALAH!!!!"

I doubt anybody EVER sees my work and says "Yay! Answers to a request for proposal! Look at that lovely email!"

You bring so much joy, that's what I'm trying to say.

Michelle

Wow. What a lot of comments. I totally did not read them all so I could very well be repeating what a kajillion others already said. Yet I go on (there is no stopping me).

I say that if you want to write something other than mommy stuff at clubmom you should go for it. In fact, I would rather enjoy it. I write about my son a lot and it certainly feels sometimes like he is my entire life but I like to think that mommy does not always only equal baby.

So go get your geek on (or whatever other non-mommy specific thang you want) and see what sort of reaction you get.

karen

Amy, you have talent. Please don't forget this.

In case you have forgotten, let my pinky finger do the talking: YOU HAVE TALENT!!!

You and I don't have all that much in common lifewise, but dammit how you can tell a tale! And debase yourself so prettily that we all imagine we are you. Really! And see what you have spawned with all the -like bits in the comments! (All commentylike)

But OMG what a fucking load of PRESSURE, hey?

So take a break. Mess about with being something, someone, else. You have an audience who clearly hangs on your every keystroke and cares about you. Why? Because you're REAL. At least you come across that way. And because of that you're so very readable. All of us secretly imagine we're your friends! How twisted yet how very wonderful is that, hey?

You don't have to Know Who You Are just now. We're all allowed to change, to learn, to grow. Do that, or not, as you choose, and do it, again if you choose, audibly. Or not.

But damn. Do the writing thing, if you can, somehow.

FishyGirl

I came here because a lot of other places I stumbled upon linked to you. You were among the first I linked to, and it was because of your writing, not your subject matter. I have like, 20 page views on a good day, and even I get bored with myself (though thankfully I'm not boring that many others). But I write for myself. What I think. What I feel. It's just for me. So write for Amalah. And if Amy doesn't want to, that's good, too. Just know that a whole hell of a lot of us will be missing you. You. Not Noah (tho' he is preshus), not the tire, not Ceiba, but you. Your writing. About whatever.

Heather

I believe that everyone EVERYONE goes through transitions in their lives, on a regular basis. Don't beat yourself up. Don't feel guilty. Just ride the wave and see where it takes you.

It's scary. It's fun. It works. Go for it.

Horrible Warning

If you're not having fun writing it, we're not going to have fun reading it.

But please don't leave us...

Ivie

For the record, I would LOVE to go geocaching! But then, I also tend toward the nerdy side...

I know you have eleventy-million comments with all sorts of advice and stuff, but I just feel the need to add my two cents. You are one of the two bloggers I check and read daily. You could be writing about marshmellow fluff and pinwheels, and I'd probably still be excited to see a new post! You seem like someone I could be friends with in real life, and I think that's why I keep coming back.

So despite the lameness of this post, I agree with the multitude that you should write what you want to write when you want to write it. I know I'll still be here to read it. :)

Anna

I am delurking to say that I am an almost 21 yr old at university with no kids - and I read your site because I love the way you write and I enjoy reading your entries. When I discovered this site, I went back through your archives and loved reading them as well.
Before this becomes too gushy, I guess what I am trying to say is that I read because I love the way you write, regardless of what you write about.

Ivie

Crap...let me clarify - by "this post" I meant MY post, not Amalah's! Sorry!

Ashley

Amy, I love anything you write. Anything. You are a compelling, beautiful, complicated, articluate, fascinating, amazing woman. I've been reading your blog over the last two years because everything you write- whether about makeup or Noah or the house or wine or anything - excudes YOU which is magnificent. Truly. I hope you feel better soon.

Maia

I don't remember how I came across your blog (couple of months ago now). I usually just read knitting and spinning blogs. I guess I just assumed you were taking a break from talking about your fiber endeavors to talk "baby". Fine with me. I have been enjhoying it and never questioned tyhe lack of knitting content. It came as a shock to me to learn that this is a "mommy blog".

Whatever, and it probably doesn't matter to you.

I do understand feeling like you are stuck in a rut. I am streaky. I get consumed with one hobby and do it day and night only to grow tired and move on to another. I cycle around. Eventually. (One word senences, one sentence paragraphs, and constant asides are my posessed pinky.)

So, after all my bable that amounts to "I understand", I say do what you gotta do. Sometimes a break refreshs, sometimes you just need to push through to the other side. Whatever it is for you is what you need to do. This includes whining about what to do until you figure it out. You are an interesting (and I imagine an interested) blogger because you have a strong voice. Don't undermine the thing that makes you strong.

MappyB

Did somebody say GEOCACHING?!?!?! Because we totally do this, and have for about a year now. Yes, we're cool. Then again, I make maps for a living, and the man is a surveyor, so I suppose this is just our path in life. Such dorks. If you want to join, let me know!

some girl

hey amalah,

i have absolutely nothing in common with you (that i can think of). i'm a childless (thank god) medical student broke as hell living in new york (if you call living leaving the med school once in a while for food). coach bag? not in my near (or far) future. House with tire? Um, not even close. can i relate to the blondness, the hair advice? not so much, seeing as i'm a black lady with dreadlocks. i just enjoy the way you write about stuff. glad to see there are other people who don't have kids and still like this blog. i guess my point is write about whatever the hell you want to, and we'd enjoy it. not all of us are here only to look at the kid (though he is cute). i'd like to see the geeky side of amalah, it will help me feel better about my current geek pleasure overload about viruses (evolution at its finest!). i hope that didn't weird too many people out.

Corky

Amalah, Just delurking here to tell you that I'm a 50-something reader that has been reading you pre-Noah. It's pretty clear that most of your readers simply love your writing. Do what you need to do, but I, for one, will keep checking in regularly.

vasilisa

You didn't start out as a mommy blog. No one expects anything out of you. We come here to read cause you write well. And you write well mommy/religion/driving/working and the rest. Write what you want. It's your blog. You know, you can even stop writing if you wanted to. Honestly. We'd miss you. Of course we will. But you don't owe us anything...

PS: I'm staying at home too, and think that will go insane any day now...

Simone

Take a week off.
A fortnight even! Take a BREAK. We will still be here when you get back.

Joy

Delurking.

Amalah, I don't presume to know or understand you, so I'm not going to weigh in one way or another as to your whole existential blog crisis.

I am, however, going to share a haiku. This is a crowd that appreciates a good haiku, and, honestly, we need to cut through the sap a bit here.

So, credit to Sarah Ludwig, my second grade best friend, Buffalo NY, circa 1982:

Oh my darling cow
You give me some milk right now
Or I'll eat your meat.

I'm pretty sure that says it all.

(Good luck with the blah-ness.)

Nicole

Maybe the blahhhh's are just a stage? I get that way too... and yes, not sure why it's so hard to write about anything else other than the baby (who is sick right now by the way too). Bah.

Sarah Marie

Maybe Mercury is in retrograde...it seems that there are many folks (myself included) that feel Bah about Things lately. Take it in stride, and do whatever it takes to make yourself happy. Thanks for letting us know. Many many good wishes to the Queen of Everything.

mark

Don't blog for us. Blog for you. You'll be fine.

Dee

I love reading about Noah. I, however, started reading you because you have purse issues. I also have purse issues.

Write about your toes for all I care. I will still read this blog and if someone gets a poopy attitude with you I will beat them up. Really, I have PMS I could do it and not break a nail:)

Léonie

I think it's kind of inevitable that, whatever we're doing, we go through periods of feeling a bit rubbish about it. Nothing is exclusively wonderful all the time. Don't be so hard on yourself because you're feeling a bit shit. You're such a talented writer. Yours was the first blog I ever read and it made me want to read more and then write one myself. And I happen to like the capslock thing at the end of your sentences, so there.

Bindie

Dear Queen of Everything,

I think after 100 comments plus, we could care less about what you actually write about, we just like that tiny glimpse into your life that you give us.

Whatever "title" you're given or give yourself, we don't care. When you're stressing over being late, posting a minute by minute list of your day, when your heart is bursting with Noah-love, when you went to your high school reunion, looking for a new house, depression, stress, feeling isolated at home, receiving diamond earrings from Jason, Tyre watch 2006, we love reading about it all.

Take care of yourself, Amy.


Mete

Every job feels like a JOB some days (weeks, months). In a weird way, we're like your coworkers. Complain away.

And I'd probably read most of those entries, as long as you left the caps in. Because I? LOVE THEM.

Erin

Holy comments, batman! Seriously though, I love your blog and love reading about the baby, the animal, the accessories and I really don't care which one you're talking about because your writing gets me every time. I hope you're able to come back to a place where this is fun for you. And seriously? Caps Lock? It's OK! :)

Jamie

Ugh. I feel ridiculous even writing this. "Hi readers! Thanks to your readership, I'm living the dream! The paid blogging dream! And now feel sorry for me while I whine about it, because oh, the pressure! 'Tis unbearable! Ack, alas, woe, bah."

There's a quote out there about how a weekly radio show is a REAL commitment, and you're updating far more often than once a week.

Don't feel bad about it, being creative all day every day is hard stuff.

I gave up, I moved on to posting inanities for my own amusement long ago.

writergirl

Dang, girl! Write about geocaching if you so desire.

I'll still read your blog.

ethanollie

Aren't comments great if for nothing but to lift your spirits when you're down?

For real...you may just be in a rut, or, it might just be the time to move on. Just do what feels right for you, and your "preshus" family.

Linda

I'm a long time reader, but I felt like I needed to post for this one. Do what makes you happy...but when your realize that it doesn't do it for you any more, DO SOMETHING ELSE. Life is too short to maintain the status quo just because it's easy, and in the grand scheme of things, the expectations of the audience of your "mommy blog" don't really count for much. Seriously, we'll live. Good luck...we're all pulling for you.

Sneadwoman

Woman, I am there with you. I can't write ONE more word about Little Dude and that is unfortunate, because, uh, I GET PAID TO.

But, having been a writer for, low these two decades, I can say this. Funk comes. Especially when you have taken a passion and turned it into your job.

So take a break and rejuv. Come back. It's fine to take a few days and get totally unplugged. And that includeds unplugged from your kids too.

Shawnee

I hate my job. Hate. Hate with the heat of a thousand white-hot suns. One of the main reasons? Because I absolutely cannot quit right now. So while my boss is toxic & the work has become rote, what really drives me around the bend is the fact that I am completely boxed in. Sounds like that might be part of your problem too. Not that that HELPS or anything, but you know. I feel your pain.

And as for the Mommy Blog thing - Please. Write about whatever YOU want to write about. I have been reading your archives for the past week (because, holy cow, you sure are prolific!) & I enjoyed the IKEA-is-the-devil's-playground posts just as much as the preshus baby ones. In fact, I am very glad you are no longer making me cry at my desk with ultrasound pictures & the like. The emotional roller coaster is killing me! (See how this is really all about me?)

Margarita Mama

Amy, you have a baby now. In some sense, you will always be unsure if you are doing the right thing. Figuring out how to divide yourself between YOU and the MOMMY is the absolute worst aspect of being a parent.

Sick babies will always make you question your choice to bear children at all, not to mention staying at home with them all day.

I know lots of mothers who love working part-time or some kind of flexible schedule. They get that much needed break. And their child gets social time. But then you're back to hauling Noah out the door and off to daycare. Back to my original point, no matter what you do, you're a parent. No matter what you do, it's a grind.

What's that phrase "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"? So in the interest of keeping your family happy, you may need to try several different arrangements before you find what's best for your family. There is nothing wrong with that.

Liz

Amalah, as a 20 year old college student with no kids and very little in common with you, I can tell you I read your blog because you are hilarious! And refreshing! And much less shallow than most bloggers in my 'peer group'. You are wonderful. Do whatever you need to to get out of your funk, but please, please don't quit writing completely!

Accidental Poet

I read for your personality, not for stories of Noah.

although I have becomed attached to the tire.

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