Weekend Report: I Just Never Learn

Status Report re: Operation Best Parents Ever

In light of our renewed pledge to provide our toddler with the best and most-watchful parenting available on the market today, please allow me to document his activities over the last 48 hours or so :

1) Climbed upstairs without either of us noticing until we heard the sound of a toilet flushing repeatedly.

2) Threw Jason's wedding ring into a floor vent.

3) Ate dog kibble. Twice. Because hey! It's better than pizza and chicken fingers and spaghetti and cheese and beans and peanut butter & jelly and all the other vile things we tried to feed him.

4) Ate rice crispie treats for dinner, because hey! Rice is healthy!

5) Found that damn box cutter I've been looking for for WEEKS now.

6) Got bodyslammed by a 13-month-old on a playdate.

7) Threw the mother of all holy terror tantrums at Gymboree over a plastic maraca; please note that he got a set of maracas for Christmas that he remains wholly unimpressed by; and also that Bilingual Sign Language Genius Child's mother was nearby to give me a very sympathetic cluck of her tongue.

8) Watched Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Thought it was rad.

9) Chewed on a Netflix DVD of X3: The Last Stand. Thought it was crappy.

10) Threw a glass of red wine at the couch.

11) Sliced open his nose with his own overgrown fingernails.

12) Been vaguely sticky and definitively unbathed, meh.

13)  Given Mama kisses, given Big Hugs, shown Mama his belly, pooped on the potty, cut two more teeth, laughed up a storm, shown zero fear and delighted us to no end, because dude, where did this whole little PERSON come from and how did he get to be so freaking awesome?


(Taken before the fall down the stairs, yes. This website is enough of a testament to my non-stop parade of shame, thank you very much, so we don't need to illustrate what high-speed rug burns look like three days later.)



OMG!!!111!!! FIRST!

Big hugs.

(yup, I'm obnoxious and damn proud)


I can't believe I may possibly be first.

You're so awesome. I wanna be a momma just like you when I grow up (re: get a real job and stop with this school crap).


heather, step outside please, we have to rumble now.


Is it wrong that I read maracas as mascara and couldn't figure out why you would give him a set of plastic mascaras for Christmas?


Pooping? Potty? WHA?!


Those things sound absolutely normal.

I would be too tempted to learn some curse words in sign language (besides the bird) and teach them to my kid. Only to be used at Gymboree, of course.

Way to go on the whole potty thing. That's awesome.


I read it as mascara also. I thought maybe Noah was your ghost writer for advice smackdown.


the only thing i read was, "pooped on the potty". TELL ME MORE.


Sounds like he's completely...


Aren't you so glad you have a blog to document all of this stuff? My one-time "toddler of terror" is almost nine now and because I didn't document it, all the things he did seem like such a blur now. Except for the part about the flushing toilet...

...and the fact that he flooded the house one day with it. That part is still very vivid.


You should really give him his red wine in a sippy cup. :)


Wow! Pooped on the potty, Michael who is a few months older than Noah cries if I mention going to the potty. Even if I have to go.


Ha! I'm with colleen.

And poop in the potty is MAJOR. How awesome!


I love reading The Adventures Of Noah. It rocks. And makes me feel better about my own inattentive parenting. Thanks.
Noah needs a Superman suit. Because dude...he's the baby of steel.


Potty? Already?? Aack, I'm a bad mommy, Sephie is almost 17 months old and I haven't even thought about a potty!!

Amazing little troublemakers, aren't they? But sooo cute!


Whoa. Noah totally looks like you in this picture.

The you that says, "Holy shit. Where's my baby? And what's that noise coming from the basement?"


I just got a chance to look at all your new house pics. You have a gorgeous house! Congratulations on the new purchase


Continuing my De-Lurking for the week to say:

DAMN, that child is adorable.

Enough said.


Please tell me the potty pooping was by accident? We're still in the strip down naked and pee out the rails of the crib stage here (and my guy is slightly older).


Yes, please tell us more about this "pooped on the potty" thing. That is amazing! Congrats, Noah, on the poopage!

Also, my 14 month old daughter perpetually looks like a unicorn because she whacks the same freakin' spot on her forehead at least fifteen times a day. They are just fearless and accident prone at this age.

anne nahm

I have heard that "sympathetic clucking of the tongue" is bilingual - allow me to translate.

It means: "this is how I give a rim job to Elmo. He likes the popping action."

I know, what kind of terrible Mommy would say that in any language during Gymboree?


pooped on the potty! where is the post on that! my 20 month old has been pooping and peeing on the potty for a few months now... as in sort of randomly, but often enough that we are excited about possibly early potty training, but not actually potty training. i bet your blog post about it would be much funnier than mine.


Sounds like a busy 48 hours or so! He's such a cutie.


Pooping in the potty is awesome. I remember when my son started that. Then I'd get irritated if he pooped in his diaper because hello? Way grosser than on a toilet.

Also, I think you should teach Noah the sign for "Loser" so he can respond to Bilingual Sign Language Genius Child and his mother appropriately.

I'm glad to hear life is normal. It really is amazing when this little person suddenly comes to stay. Enjoy him. He's preshus.


Sounds like he's an official toddler now! Ha!


I just heard "pooped on the potty" and now hate you.

Amy H.

Isn't it amazing how they can find things that you have been looking for forever? My God-daughter found her father's wedding ring that had been missing for so long that he had already purchased a replacement. How do they find this stuff?

I was thinking about signing Avery up for Gymboree and then I remembered your posts about it and it made me think twice about it. hmmm. To Gym or not to Gym. That is the question!


The pooping on the potty is not nearly as impressive as it sounds, since it's not like he's saying, "Hello mother, I believe I have to crap." In Spanish, sign language or otherwise. He just starts with the telltale grunting and we plop him on the little seat to finish. But at least he actually DOES sit there to finish. Most times.

So he's getting used to the idea and DAMN, is it way easier and less gross than poopy diapers.


You're making me tired just reading that. ;)

Maxine Dangerous

Telltale Grunting should be the title of a book. But not a book about poo. Because no one would read that. I hope.

The Elmo/rim job comment was hysterical! :)


Wait, he pooped in the toilet? They do that at some point? I can not wait for those days.



OMG, 31st!!!


Bilingual Sign Language Genius Child's mother?

Is probably a drunk. And her husband's doing the maid. Or his secretary. Or hookers.



Sorry, I just had to make light of the fact that people get excited over being first. Or 32nd. Heehee.


I seriously want to come beat down that annoying mom at Gymboree. Can I? Please?


My son managed to survive the same trying times that you are dealing with right now - he is 15 and much taller than me! I can now consider myself lucky that I was (AM!) way to lazy to record any of the day to day catastrophic baby stuff we went through. Now I can sit here and feel so perfect and calm and think of myself as the BEST parent ever - for about 2 seconds - but then I remember all the stuff I got SO wrong and really, it is a miracle that we both continue to survive! And the fun isn't over yet - next year? Drivers permit! ARRGGGHHH


OMG, I am SO going to try that poop in a potty early. I have not even given it a thought but now... oh hell yeaH.
Do you stick him right on the potty, or did you get one of those smaller seats so he doesn't fall in?

Kelly M.

Well I think that you guys rock hard core. The End.


That #13? That's what it's all about. I tend to just forget all the other stuff. Well, besides the pooping on the potty. That is just impressive. I can't get my 18 month old to even sit on it clothed for more than half a second.


I checked the American Sign Language Dictionary and they neglected to include signs for "loser", "idiot", and "you suck". But I could think of some pretty inventive ways to teach Noah that last one... It's never too early to teach your kids important parts of our language! and important Gymboree protocols!

This week my 15 month old son is working on the signs for "please", "thank you", and "pass the frickin' Cherios already!"


You do realize that with his fan base, you could totally make up some Noah posters and sell them on teh Internets for lotsa money to keep him in mascara and you in shoes?


Green green green with envy over the poop. Now that is not a statement I would have made pre-motherhood.

Amy M

Love the list! And I, too, read "mascara". I was wondering if it was the new "lengthening" mascara you wrote about in the smackdown... 'cause that's worth a tussle. :)

Yay for toddlerdom! My son is almost a toddler. I weep for the days I could put him down for a second & he wouldn't run away!


He poops on the potty?! Shit! He's a whole seven days younger than my kid who has only ever peed on the bathroom rug while waiting for the water to heat up.

What's your secret!?

Silly Hily

So, you think potty training is going to be easy do you? Ha....



No really, I hope it's easy for you. I hope it's easy for someone out there because it's been a trip to hell and back for me. An ongoing, never-ending trip.

Just wait 'til he starts talking. It gets really fun then. I can't wait until you blog about some of the things he says.


Congrats on the poopy in potty!!! Way to go Noah!!!
Don't worry about the eating of dog food. My dd (now 4) did the same thing for about a while when she was about 18 months old. They do quit (eventually). (sorry about the unsolicited a$$vice) :)


"he's number one in the hood, g!" glad to see you are bypassing barney for aqua teen hungerforce. way more entertaining!


Okay, pooping is good, especially on the potty, but cross fingers this stage misses you: child insists on ONLY pooping on the potty (despite having shown that it can use the regular toilet perfectly well) when child has upset stomach and poo is liquidy, squishy, stinky and bile-inducing. And does not go plop into the toilet when you try to empty that stupid thing. But rather just sticks. I'd rather change a diaper any day after 5 days of that yuck.


Yay for poopy in the potty! What a big boy! Did you get the wedding ring out???

Anne Glamore

GOD he looks like you!

And the dog food? My boys put it in their pockets and snacked on it. At school.


Totally unrelated to this post (which made me smile, as do many of your posts - longtime reader, rare commenter), but what is this fascination of your readers to be the FIRST! to comment. Is there some secret door prize I've yet to learn about that requires you to be the first commenter? Is it like when you're the millionith customer at some store, with balloons and streamers? I don't know. It seems funny, especially when the first commenter simply says that they're the first, neener-neener to all, and then squees with joy. What's the deal? Do you find this funny, too? Surely, you must!


It sounds like you have had a wonderful week! yeah for pooping on the potty!!!! I can;t believe how big he is now!


Well, he's right. X3 did kind of suck.


If it makes you feel any better, mine licked a fly swatter last week.


I had to laugh at the got body slammed entry. My 15 month old body slammed one of HER classmates this week. I'd rather be the parent of a slammee than a slammer!


potty? POTTY? HOW? DETAILS!!! PLEASE!!! I don't even know where to start... My kid hates the very concept of sittin still on anything...


I laughed out loud reading this. Isnt motherhood the bomb?! It definately has its ups and downs, but I wouldnt trade it for the world. I would have body slammed the "Bilingual Sign Language Genius Child's mother" at Gymboree! LOL! Your little guy is so adorable! But you already knew that. ;)


Hahahaha!! Awesome.....


getting him used to the potty being a positive experiance, is the start of potty training! Way to go mom!

*closes book* *uses book to prop up bookshelf again*

shy me

I like watching parenting from the safety of the internet! : )


Pooped in the potty! Awesome!

He’s eating dog kibble. He'll be regular. Actually if you read the label; it’s not bad.

Finding lost items in the third Dimensions. Awesome!

Playing with others maraca is more awesome than your own maraca.

The hugs and kisses. Awesome! Remember it when he’s 16 and drives your new car into the garage...without opening the garage door first.

Welcome to toddler hood. Totally Awesome!

adele Richards

Noah is too gorgeous! You are doing a great job!


If it's any consolation, Kaitlyn splashed her hand in the toilet and then licked it yesterday.

Thanks for the reminder that I need to do one of those "what cool new things my kid is doing" posts before I completely forget, like I did with the first two.

(Pooping on the potty=awesome)

Wacky Mommy

Look at that scrumptious little face. He so did not do any of those terrible things you just mentioned.

(Is the ring a goner?)


Read a great quote the other day - "There is a quiet place in heaven for the mother of boys"


Hold on now- POOPED IN THE POTTY? That is huge! My son was 3 before he would do that. What is your secret? Kibble?


Okay, I reread it and this time maraca read as macaca. i was wondering why we're still making George Allen jokes so far after the elections.


Oh my goodness - he is such a little boy. No more baby. Where did the baby go?

Patti Nichols

He's so cute. You're obviously doing fine, mama.





Also, I did #11 today to myself.


*giggles* So glad toread you're doing better -sounds like a normal day to me!


Yeah for Noah getting used to pooping on the potty.


De-lurking to say (apart from 'love your blog, you crack me up'):
to watch out for other ways of kids giving themselves carpet burn on their face. My youngest at 2 or 3 (see, you forget the details) gave herself carpet burn on her nose by doing a head-down-bum-up tantrum where she rubbed her face on the carpet. At preschool. Something to possibly look forward to!!


What's wwrong with a little kibble ... probably helps on the pooping end with all that roughage!


I too saw maraca and thought mascara. For a moment there I wanted to come up to DC to join a fun Gymboree class where they have fake mascara for the kids to play with. And yeah for pooping on the potty! I have been thinking that maybe we should try sometime soon...

Katie Kat

Aqua Teen Hunger Force... snort! And, I call *bullshit* on the pooping on the potty... PROVE IT! (hehehehe). I CAN'T be that behind in my parenting skills - B is 15 months and still takes a bottle at night... SIGH!



Overachiever at Gymboree, Noah sees your amazing language abilities and raises you a poo in the potty.


i still can't get my 2 year old to poop on the potty. you rock! as to best mom of the year, i found my kid sound asleep at the top of our stairs....our restless, can't sleep in one position kid. one roll and down he would have went.


Wow! Pooped on the potty??
No story to go along with that?


I thought of you this morning when I was getting my son dressed -- 2T shirt, 12m onesie and 6-9 month jeans! What the hell is THAT all about? Oh well, I think it was the first outfit that FIT in a long time.

I plan to go back to overalls from here on out though until that kid puts on some weight.


Pooped on the potty?!? Whoo Hoo! xoxo


Your toddler has exquisite taste. ATHF is, after all, number one in the hood, G.


Pooped on the potty -- woo hoo, that is awesome!


oh, that's awesome. our daughter sang the theme song from aqua teens when she was, oh something-less-than -two. i was ashamed, but sort-of safe since no one seemed to have heard of the show......
love your blog, found you through a link in regretable foods (egullet) to your cookbook spoof. i laughed so hard my daughter asked "what funny?" but the clam desiring his balls back just didn't translate to toddler.....
thank you so much for sharing your fine humor. the laughter has brightened my many of my days!


Pooping on an actual potty? Like, with no diaper in between?

My son is (cough, cough) 5 months older than yours, with NO interest in the potty, other than noticing the Elmo sticker on it. Can't say I blame him, as the little green pee & poop catching "insert" has an, um, wee-wee cup extending above the level of the potty seat, so every time he tries to sit on the potty--well, let's just say things don't line up very well. That can't be comfortable. Who designs these things?

Anyway--you go, girl. Sounds like you're doing just fine to me.


Whoa, whoa, whoa! Pooped on the potty? Really? What? How? My son is pretty much the same age as Noah and doesn't seem to even know he poops yet. I haven't even been THINKING potty training yet. Please, tell me how you're doing it!

Fraulein N

Wow! He's pooping on the potty already? That's pretty advanced.


Heh. I just noticed the new Project Babalah.


Busy kid!


As much as I hate to be the 90th person to comment on this post about how very marvellous you are (and how I love how you write), I just have to do it anyway.


Too funny! And, it's okay, my little monkey's eaten cat kibble (now, she decided she doesn't like it, so, if she finds any, she hands it to me; mind you, she handed me a piece of poop just the other day, too -- awesome)....Oh, and she said "shit" today.

Potty!? Wow!


Oooh, ATFL...the one with the illegal, nuclear-powered grill and The Flavor Beam? That WAS rad.

I learned my first sign-language curse word in first grade. Two third-grade boys taught me and told me that I had learned so well, I needed to show the teacher how cool I was...

...and I totally did. To this day, my mom PROUDLY tells people that story.

Oh, and I took a tumble down our basement stairs when I was about 2 years old. Mom ran to grab me before disaster ensued, but was too late and saw the whole thing...I went ass-face-ass-face all the way down. The stairs were those nasty wooden ones with the gaps in between, so I got a lot of scratches and bruises, but no broken bones, and no after-effects! The five of me are doing just fine today! :D


Well, you have me beat on the pooping on the potty, but my 2 year old is such a genius that he figure out how to lower the hot water heater's thermostate to LOW. And he also tried to help put fresh litter in the "kitty potty".

Then he fed coins to his big brother's CD player, thinking they were "little CDs".

I gave birth to Curious George.

I gotta give Noah props for finding the box cutter for y'all. Kids are great at finding lost objects, but only if they're dangerous, expensive or irreplaceable.



Heaven Nose

Trainwrecks is down.

creative-type dad

All of that and he doesn't even look tired...

Youth is amazing.


A few things I MUST say:
1) You are too funny!
2) Noah is absolutely GORGEOUS!

the bee

OMG !!! Is there anything worse than the sympathy clucking? You know people are really thinking...take that child to where nobody will ever see or hear from him/her again. The only thing worse is my nephew who gets car sick every place we go and people look at us like we enjoy it. No folks, we are not having any more fun than you and we get to clean it up . Noah is so beautiful. Do not let these things get you down.

Debbie Stothert


I am from the UK and thought I would come out of my hidey hole to say hello in National De-Lurker Week!! I love your writing, and would like to ask whether before you blogged, did you ever write for a living?


oya baka mama

Pooped in the the potty!!!! awesome. My guy just likes to sit on it...and wipe...but he never takes off his pants.

loving it::

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