bum bum bumbumbum bumbumbumbum DOG PARK!

The Week in Lists

Things My Child Can Say, Kinda:

1) OGGIE (doggie)
2) NI NI (nite nite)
3) NO NO NO (hell to the no, woman)


Injuries My Child Sustained When I Insisted on a Little Damn Privacy to Pee, Please:

1) Wipeout on step
2) Bruised cheek
3) Black eye

Things My Child Will Eat:

1) Yogurt
2) Peanut Butter Crackers
3) Board books


Things My Child Will Not Eat:

1) Anything else

Thing I Said In Emails To People This Week:

1) Um! Hi! Can I have your address again so I can send you a sympathy card? For your dog? Also, what up, homie?
2) I swear, that kid will get into Harvard one day and her mom will take all the credit for it because she took the scenic route before dropping her off at the SATs.
3) Did I birth a green bean?

Things I Ate In My Own Home, From My Own Kitchen:

1) Pear, endive & watercress salad
2) Fig balsamic-glazed duck with pearl onion and pear hash
3) Sea bass with Moroccan salsa
4) Super quick minestrone
5) An entire block of Vermont cheddar cheese

Things I Strongly Considered Purchasing:

1) An elliptical machine
2) Bigger pants

Mean Things I Thought While At Gymboree:

1) "If she mentions baby sign language one more fucking time..."
2) "Oh my God, we get it. SHE KNOWS THE SIGN FOR DUCK."
4) "You know what? Shut up."

Things That I Ought Not To Have Done:

1) Insisted on a little damn privacy to pee, please
2) Eaten that entire block of Vermont cheddar cheese
3) Cut my hair
4) Myself
5) With the kitchen scissors




My eyes are bigger than Noahs!
I got mine cut last night - in an emergency if you don't cut it I will appointment. I always threaten, but I've never followed through.


did you wash the chicken juice off first?


Dude. Pictures of the haircut. Please. Sorry the little guy got hurt and please don't stress about the eating (or lack thereof). He'll probably end up being thin-big deal! My 6 1/2 year old weighs 40 pounds but eats a perfect diet and is smart as hell! (and beautiful) When she was Noah's age she ate some cut up fruit, shredded cheese and cooked vegetables. Occasionally a piece or two of pasta, and that's it. She'll now eat just about anything that is healthy, so hang in there.


i meant duck. i'm so not funny.


You cooked Fig balsamic-glazed duck with pearl onion and pear hash?
Awesome. I want to move to the 'burbs and have a cool kitchen.

Also- Dog parks that are not really dog parks don't really have rules, because well, it is really just breaking the rules anyway.... (Sorry I read yesterdays and todays just now).

Happy Friday!


In that last picture Noah looks like he is thinking "my mommy is funny!"

Now lets see the hair.


Hehe, lists rule. As does Noah's expression in that last picture.


Just this week I was considering cutting my own damn hair, because these stylists are just too expensive to be this prissy. Can't I hack off my own tangles? Don't you think that would be okay?

My hair is long AND curly, so I totally think I could get away with it.


There will be no photos of the hair. It's...um...jaggedy. But I was sick of the three-inch long split ends.


At least he has good taste in board books, Bob the Builder, way better than Barney. And it's Bob, so you know that shit is recycled right? As for the cutting your hair your self, Photos woman, Photos!


Did you learn nothing from when you were four? Bangs don't look good when you try to cut them yourself!!


Haircut pics please! Must share!


I found your blog from another and you are hysterical!!! Absolutely a must read for me! You're little guy is adorable ( my son has the same striped Gap pj's). And board books- YUM! Anyway, thanks for the laughs:)


Hell to the no, woman. ha. That makes me laugh.
you are funny, lady.


I ate a block of cheese AND bought larger pants this week.

I shouldn't be bragging about that, eh?


Hey, my baby says "Ni Ni", too. Though he does not eat board books. He is only eating bread, pasta and crackers. Anything even resembling a vegetable or protein will be screamed at and thrown.
I've cut my hair myself before, too. (Though not with kitchen shears, cuz...dang) Because for whatever reason, it is so much easier to bitch for 3 months that I need a hair cut, rather than pick up the phone and make a damn appointment. I also colored my hair myself last fall. My stylist laughed at me when I came in for a real appointment. When my hair was done, she said "See, honey, this is what it looks like when a PROFESSIONAL does your hair."
My point...we've all been there....The Stay At Home Mom Desperation/Point Of No Return. It's ok. Here's a Kleenex, and a piece of cheese.


Dude! Even Noah can't believe you used kitchen scissors to cut your hair because he would have totally done it for you with a pair of blunt-edge Fiskars that he found in the corner at Gymboree. Blame the kid who knows sign language. He/she probably used them to cut intricate paper snowflakes.

Amy H.

wow. how desperate were you to use kitchen scissors on your hair? don't you know that when you get that urge you must call a friend immediately and beg for help to prevent you from making these mistakes? This is a girl rule.
Unless, of course, your reason for doing this insane act is because 1. you have never been a 6 year old girl or 2. you had gum in your hair. Either excuse is acceptable. Cutting your own hair with kitchen scissors is a 6 year old girl thing to do. We have all been there. once.

PICS, please!


i wouldn't suggest purchasing the elliptical machine unless you like spending a lot of money for a dusty clothes hanger but then you may be far more motivated to actually use the damn thing than me.

i suggest getting a pilates dvd and watch it while sitting on the couch eating the block of vermont cheese. i'm a firm believer in exercise by osmosis.


is #1 on the email list for Miss Doxie? How is she doing?


PS I made minsetrone last night. But mine was definitely not super-quick and was vegetarian. So we aren't food-twinis after all.


Oh Amy, make an appointment to fix the hair, otherwise it will drive you crazy.

heather b

your hair can't possibly be worse/as bad as mine was, after the hair cuttery "give me the mia farrow rosemary's baby haircut, please, and here are literally 17 pictures on how to do this" and I walked out with the exact hair of a twelve year old boy, faded up the sides and everything, and like curved to my forehead instead of being wispy and pixie and cute, and then that night someone called me sir and i cried myself to sleep.


TOO funny. I totally just did the random laugh out loud in the quite workplace thing. NOOOO, I'm not surfing the internet this boring Friday afternoon, not at all!


My friend in high school cut her bangs herself and then had to walk around for weeks waiting for them to grow out of this shape: /\

I try to think of that every time I get the urge to cut my own.


Before my son was born, I had grown my hair out very long. When he was born, it was convenient to throw it up in a ponytail to get it out of the way of breastfeeding and little hands. By the time he was four- or five-months-old, he would grab it every chance he got, even if I had it wrapped up in a bun on the back of my head. One afternoon, I chopped it off to chin length. Luckily, my hair is wavy enough that the uneven parts were not readily apparent. And then I got a professional clean up a couple weeks later, at my wife's insistence.


I cut my own hair like that for a year, and could even cut the back. You just pull it around to the side and chop!

But I have really curly hair so it was hard to tell, until I finally went to the hairdresser and she said the same thing to me:
professional, blah, blah.

Mantra for the next few weeks:
Hair grows, hair grows, hair grows...:)


That's quite an impressive bite out of that book.

I can't wait to make the creamed leeks.

(Also, when I first read the recipe it thought it was for cinder (not cider) brined pork chops. I was wondering if I needed to buy cinder blocks or gather ashes when I realized my error.)

And the last picture of Noah is beyond words. So instead I will just go stare at it for a while.


Also, I thought you considered buying an epileptic machine. Tried to envision it briefly until I realized my error. Then it made total sense.


Ok, I caved and put pictures of my hair on Flickr. I actually think I am pretty amazingly talented, and am considering a career at the Hair Cuttery.


Sounds like you need to get yourself to the stylist quick. And that you need a new hobby.

(Hope that didn't come across as harsh, I didn't mean it that way. Totally joking. Promise. I wish sarcasm came across better in the written word.)


That is the single most photogenic baby I have ever seen in my entire life.
He will be a model someday!


The first email is totally for Miss Doxie, isn't it? I wept out LOUD when I read about poor Tasha.


Oh my gosh, you are such a homemakere now! Endive salads and what not. So what if you have a homemade hair do. Who's looking at your hair. Endive salad!


So glad you clarified that "Ni ni" is for "night night." Otherwise I would have thought you were way too Monty Python and the Holy Grail over there.


So am dissapointed here.. where is the Amy hair pic? Hmm?

Yummy food!


Board books are an important source of fiber. And when you can't get a lot of fiber into a kid, you learn to appreciate their self-sustaining habits. My two year old, for a while, would go scavenging in the garbage can rather than endure the indignity of actually coming to me and ASKING for a snack. No, much easier and more dignified to go rummaging in the kitchen trash to see if there might be a bite of banana left over from breakfast.


ahahahahahahaha, I am sorry, heather b's comment just nearly made me piss myself. Sir! hahahaha
Except that's not funny, bad haircuts have pushed me closer to the brink of suicide than anything else in my life, EVER, and that's saying a lot.

Your hair doesn't look half bad, Amy. And are you sure your kid ate those books, and not your dog? That's...impressive.


I haven't had a salon cut in 4 1/2 yrs. I constantly whack at my bangs and split ends; luckily it's long enough that it doesn't look TOO jacked but it's not a hair care regimen I would suggest.


Those are amazing lists. I'm impressed.


Dang! Noah must have the Jaws of Life to be chawin' through that board book. Bet his diapers were interesting after that....

Oh, and you should feel terribly bad about Noah hurting himself while you pee, you horrible excuse for a mother, you. And also, he doesn't know sign language yet? You realize he will grow up to rob 7-11s and knock up underage girls now, don't you? I am so calling Child Protective Services on you, man. :)


Ok, I have been contemplating cutting my own hair all week - split ends are KILLING me... And why is it that cheese is SO enticing. I have eaten enough to feed an entire mouse colony...


I can't get over how much I can see you and Jason both in Noah. He is so beautiful Amy.


Amalah-as a bigger issue do you have tivo direct tv? I know you have tivo but my tivo is not recording and direct tv said they knew there was a problem and their engineers were working on it but could not give me a time frame of how long it would take. Like couldn't tell me a a week, a month, or a year.

I'd hate for Noah to miss his blues clues!


OMG, you are making a big deal of NOTHING. You look great!! But, seriously? It wouldn't kill you to go to a stylist and be professionally done. You know why? Because when you go to the stylist, you ALWAYS come outta there feeling like a rock star. It's SO worth it.


It took me a minute to get that #s 4, 5 and 6 in the last group were connected and that you were regretting that you DID yourself and at first I thought, "how can masterbating ever be considered a bad thing?"


OMG Yeah totally done the hair thing and yeah, everyone gave me that same look as Noah had in the last picture. Always funny Amalah. I've been sick with strep for almost a week now and have resisted watching anything remotely funny because of the pain involved in laughing. Here I just couldn't resist. Triggered a two minute coughing spasm but well worth it. Thanks much. :)


That's okay, I once cut my fringe with a Swiss knife. It's one of those things we girls like to do every so often so we seem quirky (and we then get to blog about it). I bet your hair still looks good.


I totally cut my own hair 4 days ago..myself..also with the kitchen scissors. I regret it fully..but I keep telling myself it was just a hormonal pregnancy moment where I swore it was the greatest idea ever.


Umm, scrolldown alert PLEASE.

A little bit of beer just shot out of my nose, and my Powerbook isn't pleased about it one.little.bit.

See?!? I always knew you would be an epicurean if Indian delivery was no longer available.


Need to see your haircut. I did that too!! What is wrong with us???


Definitely need to see pictures of the haircut!

I cut mine myself once, never again. A haircut in the heat of the moment leads to months of regret.


You should have used pinking shears! My brother swears my mom did for his 1st grade picture.WoW! You are quite the fancy cook!Yummy!


Also, click on Amy's Flickr thingy to see the hairdo! (Which looks fine. Your hair is very long!)

the bee

My 20 month old niece has been living on air and sunshine for the last few months. She is healthy but much more interested in playing than eating .
We need a pic of the hair-don't . Please do not deprive us or I will put my request in the form of sign language. Hahahha...


All of our board books look like a puppy got to them. We have no pets, just toddlers.


Get an appointment for your hair. Spend a lot of money on it - you deserve it. I got a $12 haircut last week and I wish had used my kitchen scissors instead.


Dude, your hair looks fine! I was expecting a photo of Mia Farrow or something. Sorry to hear about Noah's eye, you do know that Kaitlyn almost got her fingertip chopped off while I was in the bathroom with the door closed, right? Um, yeah.


I love you! You are so.....REAL! Also, I have totally sent sympathy cards about pets!

Wacky Mommy

Wallace says: "Cheeeeeeeeeese, Gromit!" We love the cheddar here, too. Yeah, how selfish of you, wanting to pee alone. Unreasonable, really.


I totally think Noah is laughing at you in that last picture. Heheheh.


I'm thinking he will get into Harvard. And it's totally all about the scenic route.

(Okay, we must see pictures of this new hair.)

Heather B.

My hair currently looks like ass and I've decided that blowdrying is the devil. We'll compare later.


who is that grown boy, and what have you done with noah?

if he won't eat, i say that's great!

maybe he'll stop growing so damn much.


Amy, the kitchen scissors are for cutting NOAH'S hair. Until he's a teenager. Frees up money for Mom's highlights and $35 trims.

Yes, my daughter has an uneven bowl-style haircut. Kids are cute enough to get away with it.

Bozoette Mary

You're right about the kitchen scissors. Fingernail clippers work much better.

Maria P.

Don't you know that until they are the age of 5 you can't pee with out your tiny bathroom escort? Even if you pee at lightening speed!

Also, can I come eat at your house?
And why is it board books which are supposed to stand up to little kids are the only ones that my kids destroy?


My daughter is the same age as Noah and has just learned the power of the no, well the no-no-no-no-no-no-no. Fun times.
Also, am salivating profusely at the thought of the meals you've been serving. We have just started a one year commitment to cooking all the meals from the Rachael Ray book, 365: No Repeats. We are working through the recipes from start to finish, for s's & giggles. Day 6 and I am desperate for some decent food that doesn't taste like it came out of a hospital canteen. All your meals include vegetables, no fair. We've had macaroni cheese 3 days in a row and more of the same tomorrrow, argh!


cheese! Oh hell yes!!!


Best list ever! Oh boy, did I need a laugh like that.


"You win Motherhood" should be the 2007 Quote of the Year.

Maybe you should have just handed Bilingual Genius Child the scissors at Gymboree and let him cut your hair?!

Those dishes sound fantastic! Want to come over and have a cookoff? Just for you, I will share my secret recipes for cannelloni and Sicilian cassata.

Noah is scrumptious as always. how does your head not explode at the cuteness?


I cut my own hair all the time. As long as it's below, say shoulder length, it'll turn out okay, because the length will hide the imperfections. At least that's what I keep telling myself...


did you at least drink wine with all that cheese? no? that's ok...i drank some for you. i'm good like that. :)

Linda B

I cut my bangs once. with Henckels kitchen scissors.

Some fava beans and a nice Chianti, anyone?


Mmmmh, cheese - never be sorry about eating cheese! :D

I'm kind of new here, but I really enjoy your writing and will keep on dropping by. Thanks for sharing!


Happy De-Lurking Day from a Lurker!




Pictures? Adorable.

BTW, what IS the sign for duck?


Everything is better with CHEESE!

Is Noah throwing us a kiss?


Pictures of hair please!!!!!! I did that once.... only once! Hope you are surviving! hugs!

Miss Britt

I swear my daughter's list is only as long as Noah's (and remarkably similar since we don't even OWN a dog)

Except she is going to be two in March.

I so lose motherhood.

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