Thank God y'all are so easy to please...


Shortly after I posted yesterday, Noah and I took a quick jaunt to the pediatrician to confirm what I already knew (double ear infection! yum!), and then headed over to Target to fill the second prescription for him in the span of two days.

(On Sunday Jason went and got him some Baby Zyrtec. Did you know they make Baby Zyrtec? It smells like bubblegum, tastes like asswater and comes swaddled in your choice of a precious little pink or blue hankie.)

(Okay, I am just plain making shit up for no good reason now.)

I figured I'd drop the prescription off, wait a few minutes for it -- perhaps browse the nearby aisles to see if there have been any exciting breakthroughs in my OTC pain-relief options -- and then we'd be back home in no time.

Of course, I arrived right as the pharmacy was closing for lunch, which meant I had at least an hour and a half to kill.

Free time. To kill. In Target. That's like the most expensive prescription co-pay EVER.


1) Underwear, because honestly. The tags on the ones I currently wear say "The Gap" but I don't think The Gap ever sold split-crotch panties.
2) Cropped lounging-type pants, for I am a fully-certified Professional Lounger.
3) Socks for to be wearing to the Gymboree, because otherwise I'd have to wear the Community Socks.
4) Some shorts for Noah.


5) New changing pad covers! Because I deserve them!
6) Plastic Dora the Explorer placemats! Because...uhh...
7) More sippy cups! Take & Toss bowls! Look how pretty and colorful!
8) A Raffi CD! What! The fuck!
9) A spare copy of Brown Bear, Brown Bear because ours always feels sticky.
10) A sundress for me, because if there's anything I love more than wearing a fabulous outfit, it's wearing a fabulous outfit that I got for $17.99 from Target. Except perhaps wearing it to Target. Oh yeah. That's good stuff.
11) Other miscellaneous stuff that I could not ever live without, except that now I don't remember what any of it was, but the next thing I knew Noah's prescription had been ready for over an hour and I was out more than $200.

Oh, and also a SpongeBob Squarepants ball, because if there is one thing Noah needs, it's another goddamn ball. I can count, seven balls scattered around the living room right now. They're his favorite toy and also his new favorite word. "A BALL!" he says delightedly, even if he's holding two or three.

I realized, though, as we wandered through the toy aisles at Target, that he's actually just calling anything that looks like a toy "a ball."

"A BALL!" (Points at a puzzle.)

"A BALL!" (Points at a stuffed bear.)

"A BALL!" (Points at a plastic lawn chair.)

So I handed him the SpongeBob ball in an effort to TEACH HIM, to make Target shopping EDUCATIONAL, to reinforce what, in fact, A DAMN BALL is.

And of course, he promptly licked it. Naturally.

So while he may not know specifically what A BALL is, he's definitely on to me and my "you lick/gum/chew/smear snot on it, you buy it" rule. I am absolutely unable to put something that Noah has put in his mouth back on the shelf. Especially now, with a double ear infection and five hundred kinds of nastiness leaking out of his head holes.

The thing is, I know that other parents are probably completely okay with putting gummed goods back -- perhaps even this particular SpongeBob ball had been similarly French-kissed by some other toddler -- but...well. We WERE there to get Noah some antibiotics, so I figure it will all balance itself out in the end.

When Jason came home last night I was on the couch, wearing my new sundress with the tags hanging off, surrounded by otherwise unpacked Target bags, eating Ben & Jerry's from the carton. I had the decency to be embarrassed.

"How much did you spend there?" he asked grimly.

I told him, eyes on the floor. Oh my god, I have a problem. I am one of those people.

"Huh. That's exactly what I spent there yesterday." he replied. (THINGS HE BOUGHT: pajamas for Noah, t-shirts for him, photo frames, impulse-buy DVDs, citronella candles, realistic-looking fake flowers for the bathrooms that I accidentally watered already.)

(Oh, and A BALL. Help us.)

Dear God, am I still talking? Jesus. Lemme just post a picture and put us all out of our misery.


Noah: A BALL!

Jason: Crayons!

Amy: Crowns!

Noah & Jason: Ew. Really?

(Supercute shirt by Ellie's Party, btw.)



1st post!

It is physically impossible to leave Target without spending at least $100.

That boy is super cute!


I have a love/hate relationship with Target for that very reason. Noah is so cute! :)

Sarah Marie

You have both delighted me (as usual) and grossed me out with this post. Community socks? Ha! Head holes? Ew.

Also, would you care to elaborate on the split-crotch panties bit?


The same thing happens to me in Target. I don't know whether Target = paradise or the den of satan... the jury is still out.

Wacky Mommy

Dang, I thought I would be first. I cannot leave Costco without spending 100 bucks, and Target is always 200. Fred Meyer is 100. Sundress! Yay!


Target is the dark den from which all evil least according to my checkbook after I have been there.

Alison calls anything remotely circular or looks like it can be thrown a "bowull". We should get the Todds together and let them pelt each other with their vast collection.

Mrs. Flinger

Yea, see, that's why I leave half of the bags in the car and only bring up the "important" half. "Look! I got three things at Target." Later I'll grab the other fifty.


No Targets in England... probably a good thing


Please say no to community socks. Ew!

Ha! I have a friend who hides her purchases in the dryer.

I like Noah's lounge pants.

Amy H

I love posts like this. Just normal ordinary stuff that ends up making me laugh.
Hopefully the ear gunk will go away soon and the weather will make it possible to wear your sundress without a parka on top.


tubes! tubes! tubes!

my daughter Sofia, who's one week younger than Noah (which reminds me to thank you for helping my wife and i get through a pregnancy via your blog) suffered through several ear infections this past winter. after paying her daycare (which she was too sick to attend) and staying home to watch her(out of paid sick hours) we needed to do something (this is not a good financial plan, of course).

on 2/17 we had the tubes put in and she has not even had a fever since. totally different kid (minus the temper tantrums). i know it's not for everyone, but look into it perhaps?

(i love parentheses.)


If a shopping spree at Target can't cure Noah's snot troubles then I don't know what can.

And don't worry -- I pronounce c-r-a-y-o-n-s "crans" and everyone in my family makes fun of me.


And that's exactly why I don't let myself go into Target. I looooove it so much but I also love having money in our checking account and so I stay away. *sniff*


I say crowns too and get teased. My boys will grow up thinking they are called Crowns, no CRAY-YONS.


Wait ... pharmacists get lunch breaks? No that can't be.


So, what dress did you get!? Please show us!


What's wrong with "Crans"? That's what I say, too. Since I'm normally anal retentive about words being pronounced *correctly*, "crans" must be entirely acceptable.


Ha! You gave my husband a good chuckle, because your experience and Jason's reaction was eerily like ours (except that my husband won't shop at Target -- it's my own special place). I love/hate Target, not sure I could live w/o it!


Just so you know... I cannot EVER make it in and out of Target without spending less than $64.00... NEVER EVER and neither can my husband... proving its totally a family fun shopping trip!!!

anne nahm

I cannot. believe. You took us all the way to the point of your son licking his balls on this post and then did not go there.

I was reading with one eye closed, afraid you were going there. I don't know if I am pleased or not.


yeah, it's crazy... I've deemed it physically impossible to walk out of Target without having spent triple digits. and I'm SINGLE! no ball-demanding kids/DVD-craving husband to blame! it blows my mind.

my fave part of the post = when you accidentally watered the fake flowers. f'ing hilarious.


Oh my goodness, I was chuckling in general as I was reading this (an hour! at Target! Oh, yes, been there...) but then, the whole Jason-doing-the-same-thing...OMG, completely made me laugh and my kids think I'm nuts now. As opposed to 5 minutes ago when I told my daughter to go outside and get her gloves before she was allowed to go back outside. Uh-huh.

I need to go to Target this afternoon...wish me luck!


Those all sound like totally reasonable and necessary purchases. Community socks? I can practically feel the foot fungus. (I'm sure they get washed and all, but some things are not meant to be shared among strangers) That shirt is too funny. And requires an hefty supply of sippy cups.

Also, asswater? Never heard that before, but me likey!


Have you gotten the foodie shirts for Noah at Ellie's Party?


My sister in law says "Crowns." You're in good company. I always give her a hard time about it, though.

Who can escape Target without overspending? Not I. The small one and I "grocery" shop there when the boys are at work/school so no one can see us splurge. A week later Josh says "Where did I get this shirt? And these pants?" *lol* Luckily he only pays attention to his own closet.


GAH! Tar-jay has a magnetic field around it that steals money, I swear. I went in there last week, telling myself I'm only going to get the damn dog treats and go, some CRUEL, CRUEL bastard had abandoned a perfectly yummy sage henly shirt, my size, in the dog food aisle. Just hanging there, going, buy me! So, of course, I had to take the shirt back to where it came from (ahem, that's a lie, I bought it) and see all the other cute things that were such! a! bargain!



GAH! Tar-jay has a magnetic field around it that steals money, I swear. I went in there last week, telling myself I'm only going to get the damn dog treats and go, some CRUEL, CRUEL bastard had abandoned a perfectly yummy sage henley shirt, my size, in the dog food aisle. Just hanging there, going, buy me! So, of course, I had to take the shirt back to where it came from (ahem, that's a lie, I bought it) and see all the other cute things that were such! a! bargain!



Sorry about the double is possessed...


Love the shirt!

You have fallen prey to the Target Master Plan. I'll never look at another ball in Target the same way... thanks for that. Lots.

"Community Socks".... ummmmmm. Huh? All I can say is Ewwwwwww! Gaggola.


I have the same problem with Target. Unfortunately I do not have a child to blame the problem on.

Instead I will blame the problem on my cats. I went into Target yesterday to get some cat litter, and ended up spending $62. I can assure that my cats do not use $62 cat litter.

I do have some new cute hair clippies though.

Maxine Dangerous

My love for Target should probably be illegal.


Love Target. LOVE. I have the same problem - just can't go in there without spending an assload of money.

Poor Noah. And poor you. My son used to get double ear infections ALL THE TIME when he was about Noah's age, and I know how cranky the little guys can get. Let me just say that having ear tubes put in was the best thing ever. Totally stopped the ear infections along with all of the colds and random snotty noses. Hooray for modern medicine!


Target, it sucks you in and bleeds you dry.

It's teh suck. Yet, I have a planned trip there this morning/afternoon, whenever the hell I can get out of the house.


OMGOODNESS I call them CROWNS. All my life people have made fun of CROWNS I tried for a while to say CRAYONS but it sound like CRAAAAA ONS. Totally cool that there is another Crown person in the world-even better I see they are Crayolas!


I cannot go to Target without purchasing arseloads of brightly colored plastic kid plates and frigging baskets. WTF? I need more things to put the things in!


Is your target a Super Target with a grocery section? Mine is. I do twice as much damage with an hour wait.

Also? Since I saw you in Texas no less than 12 people have mocked me for saying "Crowns" - which I never even realized I was saying before. I am officially stupid.


I think there must be something in the air at Target. Some sort of "happy gas" that makes everything look CUTE, makes you think "oh yeah, I surely need this whatchmacallitthingydo" and makes you forget the one stupid thing you made a trip there to get! AND Target always makes my daughter hungry. Even after a meal. Some sort of inhibit-lowering gas in the air at Target, that's what I think...


There's a reason why at our house, Target is known as the Crackhouse.


sniggering at mrs flinger's trick ... I do that, too.

I was actually trying on the $17.99 dresses this morning, hoping against all rational reason that they'd shimmy down over my beach-ball pregnant belly.

No luck, of course. To spite Target I left empty-handed. It was a first. I had the shakes by the time I got to my car.


Your son is BRILLIANT! The next time I see something at the store that I want, I will just lick it before husband has a chance to tell me that we can't afford it!


Seriously, can I fix Noah up with my little girl (who is a week younger). Between the deadly cute looks, leaking head holes, licking and ballcentric vocab - they were made for each other.

And oh yah, whenever we go State-side, I'm sucked into the vortex known as Target. I can't wait for BlogHer - is there a Target near the pier?


The crowns=crayons is genetic. My sister has said crowns her whole life and my daughter has inherited it from her. It must be nature, because they rarely see each other.


LOVE the blog :) You crack me up all the time with your posts. So sorry to hear of Noah's double ear infection:( He still is cute though!

I don't think ANYONE can leave Target and NOT have spent a huge amount of money! Love that store!


Thank god someone explained the "crowns" part. I was seriously lost. But now I want to be lost in Target


I can drop $50 on the Dollar Spot alone.


My 21-month-old son does the same thing about balls. It's always "a ball" or "a bear" -- so very cute. Glad to know he's not the only one and that you're enjoying the overwhelming cuteness, too.


Target is at the top of my list of things I miss while I'm here in Canada. Even despite my recent attempts to curb consumerism, any time I visit my in-laws, a trip to Target is mandatory. We walk through the aisles and drool.


problem girl

I am convinced that Target pumps crack in through the air vents. Once I get in there I just can't get out. I go in thinking "Just wet wipes for me today!" and 5 minutes later I'm thinking "A shirt for $3? I can't pass that up!" and an hour later I'm thinking "How the hell did I end up with a cart full of crap when I only came in here for wipes!?!"


the exact reason why it was imperative that i go back to work after my children were born. i was one of those people!

Miss Britt

Rule Numero Uno Re Shopping Sprees At Target:

Unpack. Immediately.


If you think about doing anything about the "Target" thing let me warn you - do not impliment a cash only at Target rule. Nothing good comes of that. You either end up carrying vast sums of cash on yourself at all times or you go to Target and have no fun at all.


My daughter started with the ear infections when she was 7 months old and didn't stop until she was 2. We were at the doctor's office her second year more than her first. We asked the doctor about putting tubes in her ears and the doctor said to wait until my daughter was 2, The doctor said most children will get less ear infections by the time they are 2. And luckly it worked she has only had 1 ear infection since (she's now 3 1/2) (now knocking on every piece of wood in my house)


I received a $25 Target gift card on Saturday. Yesterday on my lunch break I bought two shirts, two pair of shoes, bread, cereal bars, earrings, and a bra. $75. Even with a gift card I can't get out of Target for less than $50!


They're building a Target literally a half mile away from my house, precisely on the halfway point between home and work. Save me...


And this is why I no longer worship at the church of Target every week. It is slowly driving me into the poor house.


Do you know what I found at Target the other day? DO YOU!? An endcap full of Philosophy and Keihl's products.


God, I love that place. And can't be trusted there alone...


Funny, we ended up at Target this morning. And we bought sippys and a ball too. Yeah, Target is slowly driving me to the poor house too.


Ahhhhh! Cray-ONS!!!!


"Sippee Cup Sommelier!" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

My stepkids, at 16, 17, 17, and 19, LICK THEIR FOOD to discourage reciprocal poaching. It's repulsive. Where did they learn it? From their dad. Sigh.

No Target in Hawai`i. Yet. But it's coming, and it will be too close to my house arrghhh. I looove Target. And here are some Targetty facts, culled from the news for your reading pleasure:

As of February 2006, there were about 1,400 Target stores in 47 states. Hawaii, Alaska and Vermont were, as of 2/06, the only states without Target stores. According to the Associated Press, Target expects to have 2,000 U.S. stores by 2011.

I'm moving to Vermont.


Looking forward to your post and pictures where those crayons end up on the walls.


I pronounce those Crayola things "crowns" as well. So is my sister. We grew up all over Virginia, mostly to the mid and western southernish areas before moving up to the DC-ish area 20 years ago. I think you are the only person not in my family that I know of that says it that way.


I went to Tarjay today to get chicken wing sauce. It's now $20.00 a bottle! @@ Seemend like everything I passed, I needed! Lucky I got out for only $20.00.

Hope Noah's ears feel better soon.


Only you can make over spending, and impluse shopping sound so glorious!


Amy said:

"They're building a Target literally a half mile away from my house, precisely on the halfway point between home and work. Save me..."

GIRLFRIEND. Run. Move. Seriously. I work 1.5 miles from my house, and smack tab in the middle is the Target shopping center. From my office window, I can see Tar-jay. The screaming red target taunts me, daily. I repeat - RUN!!


HA! You say "crowns" too!! THANK YOU!! My husband give me endless crap about that. Im so glad Im not alone!


I am de-lurking because I felt the need to post. 3 months ago I moved and haven't been to Target because there is not one conveniently near by (yes, 3 whole months!!!) but am planning a special run after work today because the hubs is out of town and thought dear daughter and I would have a fun special trip! Yes, Target is a fun special trip! I have been mentally preparing a list of all of the cool stuff I was going to get, plus all of the stuff not on that list. Plus - I'm a CRANS person. My hubs always asks, "what is Mommy talking about?"


This is my gazallionth attempt at commenting.

I've been at target everyday since Friday, and spent $50 each time. Yesterday it was b/c a friend of mine was running late for lunch and target was next door. I got Michael more books, because he doesn't already have a million of those, and an elmo potty video b/c we will potty train eventually, right?


Hey, my baby calls them cray-yoons, you know, like rhymes with macaroons... yeah, I don't get it, either. But it sure is cute.
Oh, and instead of "dessert", it's "SA-dert". And instead of "spagetti", it's "SKA-betty". LOLz.


back in college my then boyfiend (now husband) and I went to Target to furnish our new apartment. We spend 74 dollars and I swear to god not a single item cost over 3 dollars itself. I don't know how we did it.

Oh, I say crans by the way. I even used to have a box of crans that I labelled "crans" and my father tried to tell me I had spelled it wrong, but no he way wrong because I sounded it out! C-R-A-N-S!


Don't worry Amy, everyone I know says the same thing...Target is Evil...Why they feel the need to put all the uneccesary crap at the end of the necessary crap aisles...there is no possible way to leave target without spending at least $100...And if anyone ever said they did..I would call them a liar, and hate them, for Target owns my soul.......


Bossy loves Target but their Seasonal section is always a little ahead of the game, which throws Bossy into deep depressions. Case in point: are they featuring Back-to-School supplies yet?


Raffi? Heh. I heart you. That was quite amusing, thankyouverymuch.

laughing mommy

I'm one of those people too. The people with the Target problem. Where you can't leave Target without $100-200 of things that you, um, need. NEED!

Must take home!



I love Target, as well. I am there ALL. THE. TIME. thanks to my elderly mother and her prescription drugs. And, yes, I never leave without spending MY money. The dollar spot? What is up with that? I always lose at least 10 of my dollars there, along with the 20 or 30 I spend throughout the rest of the store.

Your post cracked me up. My kids thought I was losing it. Again.


I try, if at all possible, to not use my peripheral vision when I'm at Target. If I don't, I walk out with $200 worth of stuff that I thought I needed, but realize I don't when I get home. There's a reason that they call that place's because that's what you are when you enter. Oh, and also, the dvd's are outrageously cheap there and I come home with at least 5 every time I go.
It is an evil place and I love it!


Awesome! I love Target. It's hard to not just wander.. and spend.. money...

As a small sidenote, I thought I would let you know-- last night my husband was approved for a visa to enter the US and he'll be here in June :) It will be 2 years of waiting over at that point!

Now to go shopping.. at TARGET... for the manstuffs.


sorry. you lost me at "community socks"

must go wash my feet 14 times with lysol and say a hail mary.


Y from the Internet

...not that there's anything wrong with buying clothes from Target and then wearing them every time you shop there.



Lisa Ann

I went to Target and didn't buy one thing on my list. However, I did buy $60 of stuff that wasn't on my list. Please explain.


"That's like the most expensive prescription co-pay EVER."


Now just come up with a line for those of us who don't fill prescriptions there but still end up with the cart o' crap.


had to move my prescriptions back to the corner drugstore. why? too many extra trips to Target. also too lazy for non-drive thru drugs.
but a warning-- baby zyrtec gave our baby severe nightmares. like wake up to bloodcurdling screaming, child won't wake up and realize mommy is not a monster kind of nightmares. not until i did a panic-induced internet search did i discover nightmares as an occasional zyrtec side effect. zyrtec stopped=nightmares stopped. just saying. cause it took me three weeks. three weeks. to figure that scary crap out.


Took a trip to Target on Sunday, and we spent about $15. What are we doing wrong?


I cannot read your posts when my kid is asleep--my fits of laughter always wake him up!


thank you for the laugh- I read the whole post to my hubby with tears streaming down my face!

Target is the bomb, good and bad.

You and Noah are one step ahead of my littlest one- everything around here is "aaaahhhmmmmmmmm"

We are off to the doc for the pickles millionth ear check tomorrow. I feel your pain..and more pink medicine is in our future, I am certain...sigh.


So glad to hear I am not the only one with the whole will not wear Target clothes to Target thing going on.

I have actually changed clothing in the parking lot to avoid just that.


That split crotch panties from the Gap comment killed me. Not as much as Noah's cuteness in that shirt though.

The last time I was in Target I realized I was wearing a shirt I'd bought there the previous time. Nice. You and Jason rule. I truly hope Noah gets healthy soon!


was it a regular Target or SuperTarget? I miss Supertarget so much, there's not one here. I could stay there for days-has everything that Target has Plus Groceries(like super w.mart but WAY WAY better). But even normal Target gets lots of my $. They have an Awesome line of pet beds that are so cute-do Ceiba and Max have some of those yet? Also yesterday I found dog toys there in the shape of Chinese takeout containers and bamboo. Weird.


One more thing, since you're looking for blog topics: go here (not dirty, I promise!)
then get Max and get to work.


ahhh, the rest of the url fell off! here it is... sorry! OY.

the above link + "-tyre2.jpg"


Amy, I am delurking after several months to tell you how brilliant and funny I think you are. Every time I tune in over here, I'm amazed at how alike all of us moms are, no matter where we are or what our situation might be. So - after looking at all of these (so cute) pictures of Noah and his cool kid wardrobe, I wanted to share an awesome online store for rock star cool kids' clothing. But I don't want everyone to think I am advertising for them so I am too chicken to post their web address. I'd love to share it with you and think you would really love their style so please email me if you want to check it out. I hope Noah & Co. are all back to 100% on the health meter soon... Thanks for sharing your hilarious and REAL blog with the internet! You are awesome, sober and otherwise.

Fairly Odd Mother

This summer, a brand new Target is opening less than 1 mile from my house. God help me.

I love that you watered the fake flowers.


YES. Crowns. I refuse to change as well.



No one else is wondering about Jason? And the buying of fake flowers for the bathroom?


I am lucky if my husband flushes the toilet / wipes toothpaste off the countertop / doesn't spray shaving cream all over the wall.

Yours is buying decorative items? I'll be damned.


Has your doctor prescribed numbing drops for Noah? They are absolutely a god send. It helps your child deal with the ear infection much better. Caution - it will numb whatever it is in contact with!


Um, Emily - I wondered about that too.

But then she distracted me by making me laugh with the watering and all.

Thanks for the laugh, this was a fantastic post :)


I love Target so much that sometimes when i need something I force myself to go to Walmart--nasty, unclean Walmart--so I am less compelled to spend. Target is full of shiny, happy clean people, and the store is so much nicer. Plus! Starbucks! Right in the store!

Whereas Walmart drags me down and makes me resent even giving them 15 dollars for a hair dryer. But the same hair dryer at Target would seem worth TWICE that.

I guess the moral is--if you want to save money, shop at Walmart instead, just because it's less fun to spend there.


First time here today and just HAD to say you're boy is ADORABLE!! I look forward to reading more.


Noah is so adorable in that shirt. Have you thought about getting him the "Aspiring Foodie" or "Food Critic in Training" ones? Those shirts are great.


LOL! Love it. You're making me miss my dear old Target. WHY can't they build one here in Switzerland, huh??


My dear Amalah,
Don't feel so bad: when my son was Noah's age, he called EVERY woman on the street "Momma." Every single one.

He could, however, discern the difference between: bulldozer, steamroller, big digger, little digger and wheel loader.

So anyhoo, at least your child knows mommy from, say, random grocery checkout woman.

Are you coming to Momzillas?


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