Today's Agenda
Crisis of Faith & Salsa

Let's Go To the Zoo, Part Two

I tried to tell Bunny that the fucking zoo fucking sucks, but she didn't believe me. She'd been to the fucking zoo and had a perfectly lovely time, save for the somewhat chilly March weather (she's from California, and thinks we're all nuts for living on this coast, where your car gets snowed in and you have to wear jackets and whatever the hell).

So I allowed myself to be talked into going back to the fucking zoo. We'd go during the week! In the morning! Noah is old enough now! The pandas aren't such a big fucking deal anymore! It's gonna be great!

So we packed up snacks and sippy cups and loaded up the offroading strollers and drove to the fucking zoo.


The beginning of the day. Full of promise and hope and overwhelming skepticism.


That arrow, by the way, led us to a non-stroller accessible walkway with a bazillion stairs. That was possibly in the jungle. Where those screeching ink-shooting dinosaurs that killed Newman probably live. We opted to hike up a small hill to a different entrance.

About halfway up the hill I started wheezing. And sweating. And cursing at Bunny in foreign languages that I do not speak. About three-quarters of the way up the hill we noticed the signs that said pedestrians were forbidden on this road, and also there were about a dozen tour buses barreling down the road right at us.

You know how they say mothers sometimes get superhuman strength when their children are in danger? Yeah, that totally didn't happen, and I just glared at the buses and made them stop until we finished slowly trudging up that damn hill.

Needless to say, we were not starting off well. The sight of three hundred million billion other people milling around the fucking zoo didn't help either.

"SEE? THIS IS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT," I yelled at Bunny over the din of of the crowd, as we attempted to push our strollers through a wall of people in matching red shirts and name tags, even though they were not part of the same group. It's just that every group there decided to wear red shirts, pretty much defeating the purpose, and giving the fucking zoo an unfortunate bloody-mass-genocide vibe.

We trudged uphill to the visitor's center. The ATM machine almost ate Bunny's card. We paid $2.50 for bottled water and discovered the biggest flaw in our plan: in order for Max and Noah to actually see the animals, we had to take them out of their strollers. And then we had to put them back in, and each time we went through this process the boys protested more and more about going back into the stroller.

We saw the top of the panda's head. The elephants were all going to the bathroom, and at first I wondered aloud about the deformed one that had TWO trunks, oh my God, what's wrong with it, until I realized I was actually looking at its wang.

We saw a lot of animal wang, actually. I don't even have any animal photos to post, since honestly, I have no interest in being THAT KIND OF SITE. (I'm already the number-two Google result for "mucus plug pictures," thankyouverymuch.)

We also saw two orangutans fighting. Or so we thought, at first.

Nope, they were fucking. It was...pretty awesome, since every adult brought their kid to the display, took a second to process what they were seeing, then hustled over to the next window, all oh my goodness, oh my GOODNESS!

Bunny and I stayed. Of course we did. Because we are 12, and also, it was the first time we were able to enjoy a damn exhibit away from the crowds. I almost wish I'd brought my video camera, because dude, YOUTUBE SENSATION.

Noah liked the elephants and I think the tiger, but they only had girl-lions and I told Bunny that girl-lions were OF NO USE TO ME, since Noah only recognizes the boy-lions with the manes. So I didn't bother showing him the girl-lions. (We'd created some guidelines by this point for what was worth a stroller extraction and what was not sponge-worthy, so to speak.)

I took a picture so I could show him later though. And since this one is wang-free I can post it.


Can you not just feel the excitement? Can you sense the magic and wonder?


Here's Noah seeing an elephant for the first time, clearly blown away by the magnificent sight of the enormous beast and...


Whoops, nope. He's got his stroller strap there. Never mind.

The highlight of the entire day was a cow. A COW. It was at the petting zoo area and Noah freaking lost his mind over the damn cow. It did not moo, however, which disappointed Max, who before yesterday thought he knew what the cow says, and now feels that perhaps his refrigerator magnets have not been entirely truthful with him.

I thought Noah liked the goats too, but upon further reflection of the photographic evidence, I see that it was probably not so much about the goats.



By this point we'd been at the fucking zoo for a whopping hour and twenty minutes.


Aaaaaand time to go.


The end of the day. Exhausted. Disillusioned. Sticky.

We drove back to Bunny's house for lunch and playdate cocktails, and amused the boys for HOURS by chucking balloons at the ceiling fan.

I emailed Bunny this morning about weekend plans (we're aiming low this time, I think. perhaps we will make aballs out of tin foil and teach the boys how to fetch) and mentioned that despite showering TWICE already, I still felt a little zoo-stankish.

She emailed back: actually, you do still smell like monkey sex house, but it works for you.

The fucking zoo, man. Literally.



I love that you were pissed from the minute you got out of the car. Maybe next time Bunny will beleive you?


ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thank you. Well, it was well worth the stank and effort for me. Thanks for the laughs.


LOL! The last time we went to the zoo, it was CAMEL sex. Nothing says exciting like that! Plus it was the second day they brought tai shan out in public. Awful.


At least you had cocktails. Cocktails improved your day, right?


Heee. Wang.

Amy H

The whole time I am reading this I just wonder how it is that you are always this funny.

thanks for the Friday laugh. Seems like everyone is out of town for the weekend and I am the only one in the office. This brightens up my boring day.


Ya, it sounds like the zoo isn;t the place for you I am sorry, but I just can;t help but laugh! Maybe the aquarium is more your scene?


My son's preschool took a trip to a local farm/petting zoo, where we were treated to two amorous ducks. And let me just say, the female did not look all that happy. It did allow me to say, "F@cking Ducks!" Which amused me to no end.


I kind of feel bad that I'm totally laughing at your expense. But only kind of. Thank goodness you only had to suffer through about 90 minutes of it, though.

Woman Lost

Glad to see that your not bitter about it! LOL


This was HYSTERICAL...



The whole post was funny, but that right there is where I lost it. Everyone at work thinks I'm nuts, now, thanks!

Rattling the Kettle

You're missing out on a golden opportunity for major AdSense revenue by not posting those elephant wang pictures. ;-)


The zoo will never be the zoo again.

It is the Fucking Zoo.


"Nope, they were fucking."

Goddamn, I almost peed my pants laughing at that line! Tee heee!!!


Zoos are only good in WINTER.

But at least you got some live-action porn.

tracey in toronto

oh amalah, you so funny! i thought i'd retired lol because it is oh so 90s (cept for lolcats who are TIMELESS). but this post had me lol'ing all over the place. don't get me wrong, you are usually funny but this was muy funny. and...
Exhausted. Disillusioned. i end every day. ABALLS!

Lisa M

The last time I went to the zoo with my kids (why go otherwise?) I fell asleep on the little train with totally uncomfortable metal seats that took us on a tour through the whole zoo, and drooled on myself. The kids took more pictures of me drooling than of anything else. I hate zoos. This is what Animal Planet is for!! The only time I've ever enjoyed a trip to the zoo, is when I went with a boyfriend on a date. Then, the animals having sex is interesting!


You smell of Monkey sex house? Hmm...wonder if I can get me some of that in a nice pretty bottle? Bet that would drive my husband CRAZY!

And I hear ya on the stroller did that SUCK! We took Nate to the zoo not realizing that he wouldn't see a damn thing if he stayed in his stroller. I was exhausted from the lifting/carrying that took place that day.

Blogging Barbie

I absolutely love your writing. Blog crush? Yes, I think so. Seriously, I was laughing out loud at my computer reading this post. And Noah? Adorable.


I read this post while my class was taking a test. And I so wanted to share with them. But you just can't say wank in a room full of prep school kids. Just can't do it.

Still, I laughed out loud. More than once.

Glad that you are recovering from the zoo.


I totally have a HUGE blog crush on you!

I read the fist zoo trip last night and was dying of laughter. And having serious doubts about taking Carter this summer.

Strollers are a nightmare at this age. All. the. time. I think I'm ready for a kid leash.

(typepad kicked me out the first time, sorry if this is a double)


I've been strongly considering taking my 19-month old to the zoo, and my husband keeps dissuading me. Your post reminds me why it's probably better that we wait awhile...

Barb in Ohio

Ah, the National Zoo. Built on the side of a hill. At least it's free! We would tell ourselves that once/if we finished we'd go over to the Four P's (still there?) at Cleveland Park Metro as a reward.

I miss DC at times but its things like that that make me appreciate Columbus, Ohio. We have a NICE, FLAT zoo.

Thanks for jogging a memory!


Hysterical. I'm laughing like a 12 year old becaused wang, fuck and fucking numerous times and watched orangutans fucking.

I love the Bronx Zoo. It is just as exhausting but you do get to see the animals.

I have a photo of elephants doing "it," which I took at the San Diego Zoo a few years ago. :-)


De-lurking to say thank god for the internets and blogs, because you are so FREAKING FUNNY.

I grew up outside DC and know exactly whereof you speak. Though I've been living on the West Coast for 20 years now, you make me almost miss DC.

Except for the humidity. And the snow. And the crazy red-shirted tourists.

I love, love, puffy heart LOVE your writing and eagerly await new posts. I guess I have a blog crush on you, too...


The DC Zoo is not a pleasant place to be. However, might I suggest the Baltimore Aquarium. It really is much nicer. Just buy your tickets online ahead of time so you don't have to wait in line.


Last time I was at the zoo? Ostrich sex. Seriously unpretty. But oddly intriguing, I have to admit.


You are so incredibly funny!! Brilliant!


i don't do the zoo.
i'm so happy to know there are other people who hate it too...other people who are much, much funnier than i. :)


I would have ADORED the prospect of seeing some primates knock boots in the Monkey House, compared to what I ACTUALLY went through there, circa the winter of 2001.

It was in the very, very early days of getting together with my now-husband, and we were both new to DC and quite enamored with the idea of the zoo, so we sauntered the few blocks (we lived down the street, practically atop the Woodley Park metro) to take in the experience of the, um, dirty animals.

And it was in the Monkey House, while reposing soothingly and thoughtfully in the nice big wooden chairs provided for zoo-goers to sit and contemplate the missing link, that I became STRICKEN with food poisoning from, as best as I can ascertain, some avocados I'd eaten in a sandwich at lunch earlier that day. I had to haul myself, all hunched over and hobbled with hideous tummy cramps, up that evil, gradually-sloping hill to be spat back out the front entrance of the park and roll myself home to slowly die for the next 24 hours.

My husband brought me soup and replenishing fluids like ginger ale, and I am very ashamed to admit that I was too stupid to realize RIGHT THEN that he was The One. But! It could henceforth be said that our relationship was actually born in the Monkey House. Quaint, no?


#1 hit for mucus plug pictures now! Way to go!

Woman Lost

Glad your not bitter about it! LOL

Mrs. Chicky

That is the hardest I've laughed in... Well, a long time. I'm going to be chuckling about monkey sex all day.

Papa Bradstein

I'm sorry that happened to you, but I'm glad to hear that it's not only us.

It's almost all worth it for those adorable pictures of the kids. Love the shot of the stroller strap. Nothing is as interesting as a strap, or a ring, or anydamnthing you can stuff in your mouth, we've discovered.


When I was about 10 or so a gorilla at the Denver Zoo came over to the glass where my aunt was standing and looked at her and started jacking off. Ahh, memories, it seems like yesterday.


We went to the zoo here earlier this week and yeah - nothing screams Happy!Family!Memories! like watching an ape play with his Limp Chimp Dick while another literally EATS HIS POO nearby. The best part was the Whiskey Tango couple nearby screaming "Oh my god! He's eating his SHIT! He's eating his SHIT!" for all the little kids to hear. NICE.

Regarding the National Zoo, I was shocked at how stroller UNfriendly that place was - do they not expect you to take a stroller in that place? Really?

Sidenote: The best days to go to places like the zoo, aquariums and such are on Mondays and Tuesdays - the end of week is when most daycares and schools take their field trips. Of course, you've got the added element of tourists, which really sucks.


You have painted such a clear picture of the zoo.

NEVER occured to me about in and out of the stroller a billion times to see the animals. Point duly noted. I'm exhausted already thinking about taking Nate at some point two or three years from now.


Oh my gawd. When the HELL are you gonna write a book? You are just too funny, kiddo. I am in awe. I bow down. You see, I had a huge argument with my husband early this AM and am sitting here with dried tear tracks on my face, trying to conduct phone interviews with self-absorbed, head-up-their-asses people that I then have to transcribe and WRITE ABOUT, bleahhhh wah wah. And I took a wee break to catch up with some of my blog betches and YOUR WORDS HAVE MADE ME SMILE. You don't know! At the moment that feels like more of a miracle than Jesus' face on a piece of toast.


You are now the number one Google result.


Oh yes - THAT zoo. The one with the HILLS. Bossy used to live in Fairlington and KNOWS that zoo with those HILLS.


i really needed a laugh...
thank you sooo much.

Wacky Mommy

Tell Noah that the zoo makes me feel *exactly* the same way.

Next time take a thermos of vodka lemonade.


You know I so want to google "mucus plug pictures" now, right?

Fraulein N

Is it wrong that I also wish you'd had your video camera? Purely for the YouTube potential, you understand.


I'm having flashbacks to my older daughter's first trip to the zoo where we tried so hard to impress her with exotic animals from other countries, blah, blah, blah...and the animal that thrilled her to pieces? The chicken. Unbelievable. LOL


I can't believe I've never been here. You are hysterical! Thanks for the laugh.


The zoo is fucked up. No doubt about it. I have a friend who I will refrain from mentioning by name in case she reads your blog (and who doesn't?) that went once and immediately got the year long membership. This is insanity at its most dangerous form because these "members" will then try to drag you with them with exclaims of "it's free!" No, it's not free. It costs me my soul.


Tried to post a comment yesterday but seemed to have messed that up...earliest memory of taking my O to the zoo includes lots of boredom and yawning and some whining about popsicles and then there was this break through moment when he got really animated at the giraffe exhibit and I thought- "thank go, he actually recognizes an animal" and then I realized there was a backhoe driving along the back of the pen. I've been planning to open a truck zoo ever since.

Sarah (In the Trenches of Mommyhood)

Ohmigod, you fucking CRACK ME UP. On a Friday night. Because I'm a loser at my computer (with a bottle of wine, mind you), just happy that all 3 of my children (and possibly Hubby too?) are asleep.
I can't wait for my trip to the zoo next week.

Sarah (In the Trenches of Mommyhood)

Ohmigod, you fucking CRACK ME UP. On a Friday night. Because I'm a loser at my computer (with a bottle of wine, mind you), just happy that all 3 of my children (and possibly Hubby too?) are asleep.
I can't wait for my trip to the zoo next week.


i love your blog.
i hate the zoo.
spongeworthy? a good seinfeld episode.
and any jurassic park reference is always a spectacular moment.
hopefully whenever i'm a mom, i'm a bit like you.

Laura Lou

You know, next time you get an urge to take Noah to the zoo, you might try the Baltimore zoo. Further away, yes, and not free, but much nicer. And I second the Aquarium suggestion, you could wheel Noah through mostly darkish, air-conditioned comfort and then meet Sweetney for lunch!


I never see crap like hott sex when I go to the zoo. I totally want my money back!


I never see crap like hott sex when I go to the zoo. I totally want my money back!


Oh Amy, so funny! Now, normally I don't like it when people try to pimp their blogs in comments but this entry reminds me so much of when I went on a
fucking safari
(in fucking India, no less). Even if you don't read the entry entry, please check out the picture of the equally fabulous (and also female) lions at the fucking safari. And it's just a silly lil travel blog, it's not like I'm trying to be a World Famous Blogger, so I hope the pimping is OK this time.


that's "entire entry" not "entry entry". fuck.


This one time, at zoo camp ...

I took my oldest to the zoo and the only animal we saw was a donkey. So we stood there at stared at this jackass and suddenly it bent its head down, BIT ITS WEINER AND YANKED. And brayed. And yanked and brayed. We were all WTF! Totally worth a trip back.


this may possibly be the best fucking blog entry of all time. take that however you want. *snort*


funny! what does it say on noah's shirt?


In high school, I worked at my local zoo during the summers. I sold snacks at the dubiously named "Yak Bar." We used to try to run interference on the orangutan, like "ALERT! Kids at 3 o'clock, heading for the monkey house!! Go make sure the monkey is not wanking! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! The monkey is flinging poo!"


Seriously you have got to come to Cincinnati to the zoo. We really have a really nice zoo. Will and I are going in the morning - I know - BIG LOSER!


At the risk of sounding like a grouchy old me-too malcontent, I hate the zoo. At least once a month someone invites us and I always find a way to duck out. I'm just not regaled by sleeping tigers and shit-flinging monkeys. The zoo sucks.


haha.....tooooooo funny :)

kim at allconsuming

1. Why didn't you go last week and post about it earlier, thereby acting as a timely reminder for me as to how much I FUCKING HATE THE ZOO.

2. Which would have saved me over 250 FREAKIN' dollars in me and the tribe of children we have bred becoming "Zoo Friends" - code for ABSOLUTE SUCKERS

3. Because our zoo? While on the foreshore of Sydney Harbour and therefore offering stunning views - also means it is built on a FUCKING CLIFF.

4. And the children? Have no concept of looking at exhibits in a logical order from those at the top working to the bottom of said cliff, or visa versa. No no, their modus operandi is to scream at the top of their lungs which animal they want to see depending on how the mood takes them. So any rational calm voice of reason saying "first the giraffes, then the orangutans" is met with howling-from-hell "NOoooooooooo I wanna see the ellllleeeeeeeeefffffffannnnnts".



Petting zoo, petting zoo, petting zoo. Or PET STORE. Not actual zoo.

Feelin' for ya ...


(I'm already the number-two Google result for "mucus plug pictures," thankyouverymuch.)

We can fix that, you know. How soon would you LIKE to be number one?


Ummm.... your trips to the zoo are much more thrilling that ours. We're typically lucky to see the animals move at all.


Amalah. I've been a long-time lurker (at Advice Smackdown) but felt extremely motivated to comment this time because JURASSIC PARK. !!!!!!!!!!!!! You fucking rule.

Kate Cavendish

We saw giant sea turtles in a compromising position yesterday at the zoo. Lovely.


Last time I went to the zoo I saw a little monkey being gang banged. Seriously, every other little monkey wanted a piece of that ass, and they got it! I also heard one older woman tell a small child they were "playing" which made me laugh.

I still love the zoo though. LOVE the zoo, and have since I was a small child, although perhaps not so small as Noah is now. We used to get summer passes to Zoo Atlanta. I hope you (someday) have a good zoo experience should you (become brave enough to) try again!


We went to the Zoo yesterday and got to see no monkey sex whatsoever. I am greeen with envy.


What bugs me about the zoo:
• It stinks to high heaven in summer.
• $4 ice cream cones.
• Parents with strollers the size of a Hummer,
mowing people down, cause they can.
• Parents who bring a newborn baby. I don't get it.

Funny post!

Black Belt Mama


"Exhausted. Disillusioned. Sticky."

Wiser words were never spoken, and to think I was planning on going to the zoo tomorrow. I think I'll just drive by some farm fields instead.


Absolutely hilarious!

Don't hate me but my kid loves the zoo. But the in and out of the stroller? Hoo boy. I need to go for like three months of strength training before I make it bake there again.


How is it that half the time other people's crying children look adorable, while the other half of the time they look like heathenous miscreants (just made that up.) That said, Noah looks cute, even in mid-meltdown.

Also, I may never get over the whole aball motif you've got going on. Just had to say that. Love your stuff.

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