You wanna know what we saw with the blacklight? No? Aw. Come on. What if I show you what we saw on a random, fairly unstained and decent-looking section of carpet? That wouldn't be so bad, right? LIGHTS ON... AND... LIGHTS OFF. Apologies to anyone who was eating, and to anyone who still believes that their dog has probably only had "a couple of accidents, and we cleaned them up right away, so I'm sure it's totally fine." Personally, I'm turning my dog into a wee area rug this weekend. I just need to find some decorative fringe. Read more →

Hey! Remember when we moved? That sucked. Fuck that. But we did it. We sold our little condo in DC -- a condo we loved so very much, particularly and especially once we put it on the market. We're ridiculous like that. "Hey! All we really needed to do was move half of our crap into storage, maybe clean it occasionally and get that vile hussy of a toaster off the countertop! Let's call the whole thing off!" We almost did, actually. We told our agents that we didn't want to be listed over the holidays, so if we didn't get an offer by Thanksgiving we'd go off the market and try again in a few months. The DC market was terrrrrrible at the time, and while we were itching to snap up one of the many bargain-priced places out in the 'burbs where the market was even worse, there was no way -- NO WAY IN HELL -- we were going to buy something before our place sold. (Ironically, the only reason we could afford our new house was because the owners had already bought their new house and were so financially strapped that they slashed the price by... Read more →

Whenever I'm on nitrous oxide, I always feel like I'm flying high above some magical land of magic. The land is different every time, and is usually inspired by whatever music is playing. (At the dentist's office, I should probably clarify. I gave up recreational use a good six months ago.) This has led to some really weird hallucinations involving Peabo Bryson in the past. But this morning I was flying high over an animated land of rainbows, while cartoon characters with Afros and sequined yellow jumpsuits disco-danced to Shake Your Groove Thing. I was also 1) lying down with my feet up, and 2) officially off of diaper duty. Plus drugs! Let us not ever forget about the drugs. And yes, I was also getting the very last of my fourteen zillion cavities filled, but that's really splitting hairs. I had a nice morning off! It was downright lovely. Oh, and I received a brand-new bite appliance, for to be wearing at night so I don't grind my teeth down to little nubs of exposed nerves. It's sexy! I can't wait to put it in and whisper those magic words to Jason one of these nights. "Hey baby, e'm... Read more →

On the off-chance that our trip to New York and the fourteen million pounds of pizza we consumed there were not QUITE enough to sufficiently celebrate Jason's birthday, we continued the birthday blowout extravagaaaaahnza with a bus trip to the always gorgeous Virgina wine country on Saturday. It was awesome. One person puked on the bus on the way home and another fell out of her seat and into the aisle and still did not wake up. Meanwhile I was engaged in a high-level discussion about racial profiling with a nice young man whose family bought his ticket for Father's Day but did not accompany him. He assured me he actually preferred it that way, and also, NO, the fact that he, Jason and I were relatively sober after consuming just as much wine as Ol' Pukey and Ol'FallOuty McDrunkAss over there was NOT a sign of serious alcoholism, it was a sign that I needed to pass him a damn plastic cup, he was opening another bottle. Also: I learned how to open a bottle of bubbly with a sword, people. A fucking SWORD. Wine Viking from amalah on Vimeo Yes, I biffed it the first time, which made... Read more →

I made brownies (from scratch! from atoms and molecules and the sheer force of will!) last night. I am incredibly paranoid about burning chocolate, so I tend to hover and fret over the saucepan, unable to do anything else lest my precious, delicious chocolate seize up on me the instant I take my eyes off it. So I asked Jason if he'd mind making the cream cheese topping. My husband makes the most delicious brined chicken you have ever tasted. He can perfectly roast a duck and every Thanksgiving he outdoes himself with an original stuffing recipe. If you come to our house for dinner he will probably serve you watercress vichyssoise or dates stuffed with mascarpone. The best gift I ever gave him was tickets to a pasta-making class and the corresponding attachment for our KitchenAid mixer. I spent 40 minutes last night whisking that damn brownie topping, wondering why I couldn't get it to come together right, why it was gloppy and thick instead of smooth and creamy, before I finally gave up and poured it over the chocolate batter anyway. I figured the cream cheese was just too cold, or something. No. My husband...wonderful chef that he... Read more →

Okay. Baby is napping. Time to write something. Something about New York. Internet is down. Oh well. No point in writing something if I can't just go ahead and publish... Oh. Back up. Okay. Have a headache. I could write about how I overslept on Thursday and missed the first two trains I meant to take and then got on another train that stopped at every damn stop in Jersey and oh my God how irritating that was to know I was going to be late for the graduation because there was a slight chance somebody in Metuchen needed to go to New York, but then you KNOW somebody will leave a comment like, "Hey! I'm from Metuchen! We're titans of industry! We're the puppy and kitten heart transplant capital of the world!" and then I'll feel like an ass. Plus, what is WITH me and the trains? I've already written about me and the trains. The trains hate me and I hate them. The end. I could write about the graduation and how I got there late but there were all these people milling around the lobby so I assumed we were all still waiting to get inside, so... Read more →

We're back. So it turns out that a complete and total vacation from the Internet was exactly what I needed, and I am pleased to report that I didn't even check my email twice. I checked it once, deleted four hundred million marketing/PR solicitations, scanned the rest of the subject lines for anything regarding anybody's hair being on fire, and then closed the laptop for the remainder of our trip. It was glorious. I possibly saw Blue. I have tons of stories and no photos. Unless you count photos of pizza. We ate a lot of pizza, and if you've ever wondered just how many hours of nonstop pizza-eating you can endure before your digestive system completely shuts down with a painful rattling thud, I have the answer. It's 42. But! First I need to complete some professional-type writing obligations and also get my household back above the squalor level. This morning I justified serving my child expired milk because I was mixing it with yogurt, and you know, it's all basically bacteria anyway. I later put the same milk in my coffee, and. Well. That probably served me right. So I will talk to you some more later. Consider... Read more →

I am losing my mind here, people. Here's the thing: we're leaving! Tonight! For a vacation I did not tell the Internet about because there's something sort of "HEY COME ROB ME" about announcing vacations online. And then people will read about the robbery and shake their heads at these stupid people with their stupid MySpaces and whatever. Anyway. We're going to New York for Jason's birthday. Well. Wait. It's complicated. I'm going to New York tomorrow, Jason's going to New York on Friday, Noah is staying with the grandparents in Pennsylvania which is where we're all driving to TONIGHT. I also maybe FORGOT that we were leaving tonight. The thought struck me yesterday that I should pack. So I planned to pack today -- a small suitcase for me to take up tomorrow (it's my niece's graduation from high school, oh my damn) and then a bigger suitcase for Jason to bring up on Friday for he is Man and Strong and Can Better Get My Shoes Into The Overhead Luggage Bin, and then a suitcase for Noah and everything his precious little self could possibly need and extra Green Juice and waffles and OH SHIT THE PETS I... Read more →

Presenting! Some footage shot during three days of nonstop attempts to get Noah to say "ABEAH" clearly on video ("What's this, Noah? What's this called? Huh? Huh?"), and also preferably a clip that did not involve 1) possible poisonings, 2) propane and/or head injuries, 3) blank vapid stares, or 4) an actual abeah. Because, you know, I wouldn't want the Internet to know what a shitty parent I am. At least not right away. Maybe a few days later, when I was feeling lazy and didn't want to actually write anything. Abeah Abloopers from amalah on Vimeo I swear, that kid misses his mark almost every time. He'll never be an Olsen twin at this rate, dammit. Read more →

I WIN SUBURBIA. Is taking photos of stuff in your garden the housewifely equivalent to men pounding on their chests and screaming like Tarzan? Because seriously, I accidentally lopped off a large portion of this vine (it's a Clematis, but we call it a Chlamydia) while planting it. The whole thing started to shrivel up and die and I was like, eff this, I'm buying some plastic flamingos and garden gnomes and no one can stop me, and then! Look! It came back from the near-dead and there's a motherfucking flower that I practically grew with my own two hands. With my own force of will and gardening skillz and also these vines are pretty much just indestructible weeds that you can buy for $10.99 at Home Depot. My husband, on the other hand, is just being a show-off. This is his herb garden. And his other herb garden. Whatever. They are not purple. Mine is purple. However, all attempts by both parties to re-fold the baby pool have been met with resounding failure. Fuck this shit, I'm going back inside. Edited to add: a few of you already noticed, but the URL for the Advice Smackdown column has changed.... Read more →