Taking My a'Drinkin' Skillz to the Next Level
Home Implosion, Part Infinity, Plus One

It Occurs To Me That Everything About This Entry Is Somehow Related To Gas

Whenever I'm on nitrous oxide, I always feel like I'm flying high above some magical land of magic. The land is different every time, and is usually inspired by whatever music is playing. (At the dentist's office, I should probably clarify. I gave up recreational use a good six months ago.) This has led to some really weird hallucinations involving Peabo Bryson in the past.

But this morning I was flying high over an animated land of rainbows, while cartoon characters with Afros and sequined yellow jumpsuits disco-danced to Shake Your Groove Thing. I was also 1) lying down with my feet up, and 2) officially off of diaper duty. Plus drugs! Let us not ever forget about the drugs.

And yes, I was also getting the very last of my fourteen zillion cavities filled, but that's really splitting hairs. I had a nice morning off! It was downright lovely.

Oh, and I received a brand-new bite appliance, for to be wearing at night so I don't grind my teeth down to little nubs of exposed nerves. It's sexy! I can't wait to put it in and whisper those magic words to Jason one of these nights.

"Hey baby, e'm ovulathing."


You okay, Mama? Why don't you stop twirling and sit down for a minute?

And now, for everybody who asked, I will destroy all illusions that I am your superior because I can open a bottle of champagne with a sword. Because it is so easy you are going to laugh. Laff!

(I'm not actually performing the trick in these photos, since we're down to our last bottle also, it's like 11:15 in the morning, people. That's way too late for mimosas. It's vodka time, baby.)

First find a very thoroughly chilled bottle of bubbly. Champagne, prosecco, sparkling wine, whatever. I have no idea if sparkling cider would work and frankly, do not care to find out.


Psychotic ninja glare not necessary, but it helps.

Then find a sword or something vaguely like a sword. It should be metal and extremely sturdy and (this is important) decidedly BLUNT. NOT SHARP. The back of a good chef's knife is perfect. The guy at the vineyard told us he's performed the trick with a tire iron. I'm sure MacGuyver could open a bottle with a crayon, some duct tape and a shot of whiskey, but I recommend you go with a knife the first time you try it.


Singing fridge magnets? I'm totally coming for you next.

Next, examine the bottle until you find the seam. It runs from the base of the bottle all the way to the opening. It's kind of raised so you can find it with your thumb.


The Seam: Your Roadmap to AWESOME.

Remove the foil and uh. Go outside.

Remove the wire cage thing. Hold the bottle with the seam facing up. And all you need to do is run the back of the knife along that seam until you hit the lip at the top of the bottle. That's it. Really. 

If you do it with enough force (which isn't even that much, considering me and my girlish weak arms can do it just fine), the top of the bottle will separate cleanly and the cork will go flying.  There may be some sharp edges, but no broken bits of glass.



That's it? Dude. What a rip-off.



This will be the best party trick evah!!

Thanks again Amalah!!

Amy M

I am so trying that this weekend! Thanks for the tip! Also love Noah's expressions!


In the first pic, Noah's all, "I call this look Magnum."

In the second pic, Noah's all, "I call this look Contemplating the Contents of My Diaper."


I'm a grinder too and have to wear one of those occlusial (sp?) guards too. They are VERY sexy aren't they? Even better, my husband sleeps with a C-Pap machine for his sleep apnea. We are one hot and sexy couple, let me tell you!


My husband has used a similar trick to open beer bottles with plastic pirate swords. It's hilarious.


When I'm on nitrous I feel like the entire world including myself is vibrating on an incredibly high frequency. It's not particularly pleasant, I have to say.

That ninja champagne trick is party GOLD. Thank you forever. Now I have to go stock up on champagne.

Mrs. CPA

Somehow, I would still manage to put someone's eye out, break a window, and possibly shoot the cork up one of my dogs' butts. I'm going to leave this one to the experts.


I cannot wait to scare Patrick when I walk out the door with a bottle of champagne and a knife!!

Hmmm... I wonder where I could find something more... sword-like. Because THAT would be awesome. (Note to self... peep in weird civil-war junk collector's windows next door when he isn't home.)


"Too late for mimosas?"

Not in my universe, lady.


Missie- You trippin', that look is all BLUE STEEL! LOL!


Sigh. I miss nitrous.
That sounds so wrong.
Hubby has the sexy mouthguard, and I must say it is decidedly...un-sexy. Sorry.
Will be trying fancy party trick on family camping trip this weekend. Here's to hoping I don't hit my mother-in-law in the face...


it is never too late for mimosas!


Thanks for sharing! There is a liquor store next to my daughter's karate dojo... I cannot wait for karate tonight!
Must perfect this before the big drunken pool party this weekend!


1.) you rock.
2.) thanks for sharing that trick! totally trying that the next time i get my hands on a bottle of champagne.


oh and...

3.) noah is like the cutest baby EVER.

Virginia Gal

What is this nitrous I keep hearing about, and why have all my dentists insisted on using novacaine which Does Not take me to a happy place?


Miss Britt

I have to make up a reason to have a party now. I think "Come See How I Can Whack The Top Off A Bottle Party!" may be a bit obvious...


ooh...bite plates are sex-ay!


Join the club! I am also going through the same procedures with the dentist...it sucks big time (I just sound like Sylvester the cat as I say this aloud with this mouth guard on).


I'm with Vicky. Mimosas=ALL DAY.

Thanks for the lesson! w00t!


Damn you, now I need to go buy some wine and hopefully not slice my artery while attempting this fantastic show of mightiness! I also need to make a dentist appointment. :(


As much as I adore videos of Noah (and believe me, I do), it was charming to see a video of you.

Virginia Gal

Thanks to Amalah (and Jules prompt explanation), I now know to ask, nay DEMAND, nitrous at my next filling. Sadistic b@$t@rds my dentists.


Somehow, it was the line about coming for the singing magnets next that made me laugh the most.

samantha jo campen

I have a bite plate and my husband gets waaaaay too much enjoyment from it. He's like a quiz show host or something, making me say words that would cause a lisp (um, almost ALL words): "What's your name?" "What is used to make root beer?" "What number comes after six?" and on and on and on.

Good luck. Oh, and watch that thing around the animals--they like to use it as a chew toy. I'm just sayin'.


Thank you for the step-by-step instructions.

Noah looks very suspicious in that first photo.


so wait, you actually hit the top of the bottle where the glass is?? or where the cork begins?? i think i might try this this weekend ;)


Did I understand correctly that the actual top of the bottle comes off? Not just the cork? Or am I an idiot? (I'm going with the latter)

lil foot's mommy

LOVE IT!!! I'm so trying it. Where can I send medical bills if it doesn't go as planned...LOL...Just kidding!!!


I too am stuck wearing a night guard - so not sexy.

My husband likes to get me to say "haberdashery". It comes out "have a daiquiri" - which is a damn fine idea!

My first night guard only lasted me about 3 months. I bit it in half! Now I use the off the shelf product "The Doctor's Night Guard". It's one of those boil and fit guards. Perhaps not as good as the one from the dentist. But it too lasts about 3 months and costs $30.00. The one from the dentist costs $300.00 and isn't covered by my dental plan.

In the first picture I think Noah is bringing sexy back to the toddlers. Very cute!


All I can say is that I have a strong hankerin' for a glass of bubbly right about now.


This is HUGE! I didn't think you'd actually reveal your secret trick...thanks! Now does the knife have to run the entire length of the bottle, like from the very bottom? Because rounding that little curve with it seems like it'd throw off your contact. I am making this way too complicated, aren't I.

So magnificently cute, that Noah of yours.


My wife has one of those guard too, and when I first teased her that it looked like some junior high student's retainer, she put on an even more exaggerated lisp and started calling me, "Ms [LastName]." Talk about killing the mood.


I love asti....am so trying this sometime this weekend!

And Noah is way way cute.

And I've never had nitrous either - and my teeth are garbage!! At least seventy thousand fillings and a few root canals for fun.

Must demand nitrous. Wonder if they'll give it to me for a cleaning???????


I keep looking at the first picture and expecting him to say "Storch...Noah Storch...agent double 0 adorable"


Actually I think you were listening to "Shake Your Bootie" by K.C. and the Sunshine Gang. Now you know how old I am.


Make that K.C. and the Sunshine BAND, not Gang.


oh my god i barely was able to get to the end of this post after the phrase Hey baby, e'm ovulathing."
so funny


It is pathetic but I, too, have given thanks for the blissful moments of "peace" (and not even on nitrous!) I've experienced in the dentist's chair lately, while someone else watches my son. *sigh*


ROFL so can I use "hey baby, e'm ovulathing" on the nights when I have a "headache"? And how much do you want for royalties?

I was a little worried when you showed us the bottle seam that somehow the next picture would be of the wine bottle's frenulum. But I'm just a sicko like that.

Wacky Mommy

Oh. My God.


I have never been offered nitrous. Novocaine, yes, but I'm thinking nitrous sounds much more relaxing. And less stabby.

P.S. I may have to go through ten bottles before I get it right, but I'm going to master that trick.

P.P.S. Noah is freaking adorable.

moosh in indy.

Oh the lawsuits...I can see them now. Some people just aren't smart enough to do this, really. Good think only intelligent people read your blog.


I'm mystified by the seam and its role in slicing off the top. For some reason, the logic seems to me that the bottle would be split in half, and yet, I can see by your (adorable and hilarious) video that it does not.

Black Belt Mama

Just a hunch, but I'm guessing you would LOVE my karate class. We have lots of cool weapons, including swords and sake. . . ahh, yes, the sake. . .


I grind my teeth at night too. I refused to wear that stupid night guard for years and in turn ground all my teeth down so bad I now have crowns on like 6 different teeth.

My mouth costs me a lot of money. In more ways than one, seeing as it has gotten me fired as well.


I hear you. I recently had to get the night guard. They told me it would help so that I didn't clench my jaw and grind, but I find that I am almost always clenched, whereas before they told me I ground my teeth, I never seemed to be clenched. Luckily my hubby has one too, at least they pop out quickly... hope your teeth stay ok. Unlike mine, since one cracked two weeks ago. Awesome.


I think you should post a video next time you do this. You know, like, tomorrow.

My only stupid human trick is that I can open a twist-off beer bottle using the flesh of my forearm. It's only impressive because I am a little, little girl and people are always amazed I don't cry.


I step away from the computer for a couple of days, and what happens?

You reveal the secret of my one and only party trick. I am devastated.


Mmmm...mimosa's. After the morning I'm having (think poop explosion and twins) I might have to have one of those. And my babies will be so impressed by the new trick I have learned!

I really need to talk to an adult today. Sigh.


When I stab myself in the eye, I'm blaming it on you.

Can't wait to try, thanks for posting!

The Yap

Wait. The bottle top BREAKS? I am thoroughly baffled! Will have to try that soon!

I am lucky enough to wear a retainer AND a night guard. I am So sexy it is sad. Then, my baby seems to have either flushed or thrown away my nightguard. So, now I wake up with headaches again. Maybe some freshly shorn champagne would help!


Um, this sounds swell but - if even one drop of alcohol is lost to the trick then Bossy would rather use her grandmother's hand towel. At least Bossy can ring *that* out over her open mouth.


I think I'm gonna need to see a picture of the EXACT spot on the bottle you have to make contact with. How hard to you have to hit it?

Maybe I should watch the video again to get pointers.


Dear Amy stop Tried this last night stop It DID stop NOT stop WORK stop Please come over and help stop We have a hot tub stop.


The first time I ever saw that trick was at a physics conference and the distinguished professor was demonstrating something about the longitudinal seismic waves of an earthquake blah-blah-blah and then HOLYSHIT! Bubbly! Knives! God, I love physics! (And that is why I have a Ph.D. in physics and no job. The End.)

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