Yes, I Have Been At This For Two Whole Years
Sodor Peaks


I hate going to the dentist. Oh, how I hate going to the dentist. I went for a cleaning last week and wriggled and twitched uncomfortably through the poking and the scraping, my tongue constantly and involuntarily getting in the way, while I fixated on the bulb of the overhead light, hoping that my dry burning eyeballs would distract me from what was going on in my mouth.

The hygienist pulled out the polishing toothbrush and I cringed -- this was the worst part, I always thought. The WORST.

And like every cleaning before, I realized that it wasn't -- that it actually barely bothered me at all.

When I was very little, that vibrating doohickey made me cry. I had to be physically held down in the dentist chair for years. It made me scream and kick and flail and gag. One time I screamed so much I threw up all over myself -- just like Noah did after the nurse restrained his hand for all that time on Monday, squeezing out drops of blood after a completely painless finger prick.

Just like Noah. 

If I order a sandwich, it cannot contain any of the following: lettuce, pickles, raw onions.

I like lettuce, pickles and raw onions. But I can't eat them on a sandwich.  Last week in a fit of laziness I took Noah to McDonald's. He won't eat fries (he doesn't like crunchy-outside-soft-inside things), or nuggets (same thing, only worse because it's meat), or apple slices (are you soft or are you crunchy? make up your mind, fruit!), so he dipped his fingers in the caramel sauce and drank some milk. I figured that it served me right, but dammit, I was in the mood for a burger. I ordered a quarter pounder with cheese and forgot to ask for no pickles.

When I took a bite it felt like someone was scraping their fingernails on a chalkboard. Only the chalkboard was inside my skull, right between my ears. And so I, a nearly 30-year-old woman who prides herself immensely on gourmet cooking and adventurous dining, spat out a bite of hamburger onto a tray and picked the remaining pickles off.

I was the last one in my class to hang upside-down from the monkey bars and I hated sports so much I would cry when I was forced to participate.  Field Day was my own personal circle of hell. I couldn't run very fast or jump very far or kick or throw or hit a ball in pretty much any sport.

It was okay though, because I was girl. I was supposed to be cautious and prefer books and quiet toys.

I refused to wear turtlenecks for years. They gagged me. I would pull and stretch on the necks because I was sure I was choking. Eventually my entire body would start freaking out and...I don't know, but I still remember that desperate itching, like the fight-or-flight instinct kicking in and I would have to pull the shirt off, and those brief seconds while the elastic-y neck was over my face I thought I was going to die.

I remember that feeling because it came back a few years ago, when I started having panic attacks. My panic attacks always included gagging -- the feeling that I was not getting enough air. I was choking. I was being strangled. My chest was being crushed. I was drowning. Jason would shake me, force me to focus on the overhead light, and remind me that the only thing stopping my breathing was me.

I talked about this feeling in therapy a lot. We tried to dig for the reason -- some childhood trauma, perhaps? The older brother who wrapped a telephone cord around my neck? Who kept my torso trapped between his knees that one time until I cried? Did he maybe do other things that no one saw and I don't remember? Think about your other brothers, your neighbors, your uncles, find someone to blame for the way you are.

Looking back and connecting the dots like this is both helpful and frustrating. On the one hand, I outgrew most of my ticks, or at least learned to deal with them. I don't like the dentist, but I go. I use an electric toothbrush every day. Twice a day! I can wear a turtleneck if I want to. Which I don't. But I could! I played tennis in high school and even got pretty good, and while the thought of playing volleyball at the beach still fills me with a sense of dread and you-people-be-crazy-how-is-that-fun, no one is forcing me to play volleyball at the beach these days. I absolutely cannot ski, which breaks Jason's heart, but he loves me anyway. I eat a wide variety of foods and textures and there are worse things in life than pickle-less hamburgers.

On the other hand, Noah got all this stuff from me.

Even if your childhood is all-around pretty okay, you still want your own children to have an easier time than you did. You still want to correct whatever mistakes you think your parents made, and you still want your children to excel in the areas you lacked.

I'd love for Noah to be good at sports -- I don't care really, but let's face it, it just makes life easier for little boys. Jason would love for him to ski, although at this point we'd both be happy if he'd just let us drag him around the floor on a towel without howling in terror.

I'd love for Noah to eat more foods, to let us brush his teeth and rub his face. I'd love to hold his hand while we walk instead of carrying him everywhere, out in public and up and down stairs. I'd love for his first memories to NOT involve puking in a doctor's office because someone is doing something to you that drives your brain crazy in a way you can't explain.

I still hope all those things can happen for him -- he's so young -- and obviously we love him regardless, completely as-is.

Find someone to blame for the way you are. Well. Hi. Here I am. 

I'm really sorry. But it'll be okay in the end.




Oh Amy, you're not to blame for anything. We're all different and we all have likes and dislikes. I can't eat cheese because I keep thinking about the whole old milk aspect of it. Everybody is quirky and there's nothing wrong with that.


I wouldn't worry about it. Every kid has their "thing".

Miss W

You know, maybe he did get some quirks from you. And maybe he got some from Jason. And maybe some are all his own. But in the doesn't matter. He's wonderful and you two are doing everything you need to to help him through this tough part and in the end? You're right -- it will turn out alright.

Must be Motherhood

Since it seems that these insights into your own childhood explain seem to mirror much of Noah's behavior, maybe a lot of the concerns about his development are a little sounds like maybe he's just developing as a child with your genes would develop. And you seem to have turned out all right! ;P
You must have mentioned these similarities to the specialists, right? You're a smart girl--connect the dots for them if they haven't already. (And none of this is meant to minimize any of this. As much sense as THAT makes.)

Jessica (aka Rose)

Seeing my quirks in my daughter fills me both with love and dread. She's so me, and that's not always a good thing.

(ps. I still can't wear turtlenecks.... and that chocker necklace fashion phase? Thank God that's over.)

Susie Sunshine

The most important and helpful thing is that you remember and understand. That's the secret to being a good parent, remembering what it was like to be the kid.


We all have oddities, whether inherited or learned. And we pass them on involuntarily. But realizing we have them makes it possible to change them. And we can pass the changes on, too.


Everything is because of the way we're wired or the manner in which we were raised. Or both. I can't eat anything off of a wooden spoon. Even ice cream. I don't like the tooth polishing powder at the dentist either. Anything that makes my tongue feel like it's being dried off by a big, fluffy towel. I guess that makes me weird too. Everybody's got something.


Such a well written post, Amy.

I wasn't raised around my biological father, yet when we became friends in my early 20's, I was astounded to see how many of the same mannerisms we had. Shared sense of humor, same laugh, same tendency to use hand gestures.

Some of these things are learned. Some of them are passed on. I got the good and the bad from him and I certainly don't blame him. If anything, knowing about the bad (health, etc.) is a pretty good incentive to take better care of myself than he did.

I still think that you will look back on these years and wonder how you let yourself worry about so many unknwowns that you couldn't possibly control. He's a great, amazing kid who will continue to surprise you every day for the rest of your life.


it's not your fault, not even a little bit. the fact that you and Jason love noah as much as you do will amend any quirks that you are worried about (if quirks even need to be amended). noah is a lucky guy, and you're to blame for that =)


Sometimes the way someone is, is just the way someone is. Noah might have had all his little quirks if you had been a throw-down tomboy who kicked everyone's keister on the playground. He will no doubt learn some behaviors from you and Jason, but who's to say that some of his stuff just isn't some of "his stuff"?

And Noah and his stuff are completely perfect, as is.


I've learned that getting over one's tics and irrational fears (or at least being able work through them quietly if one is in public) is definitely a part of growing up. As I've mentioned before I was a weird little girl- I probably had (and have) sensory issues, no one ever wanted me on their team in gym class because I was terrible at sports-type games...(yet I went on to run track all 4 years of high school). I still have food issues- I'm just better at working around them than when my age was in the single digits. Oh, and I finally made it to the top of the monkey bars in late elementary school but I got scared getting down the first time and I don't think I ever hung upside down from them (though I did from other things). I always pick the pickles slices off of my cheeseburgers...Those of us with strange issues just learn when to cope and when to spit that food out, that's all! And Noah will too :)


One of the hardest aspects of parenthood is standing by and watching your child go through, learn, and do all the things that you went through, learned and did and did not enjoy going through, learning or doing.

Genetics rules. My son was never around his dad. Never. And yet he has his mannerisms, his movements, his voice.

Sometimes I speak and hear my mother talking.

Your kid is okay. So are you.


daughter = her dad
son = me

It's hard when you see your imperfections in your children but it makes me understand my son so well. He is just like me and like you said, "It'll turn out alright in the end." :)

the Wife

Hi. I'm delurking to say, like most everyone else, that everyone has something. I still can't wear turtlenecks, I hate tags of any kind, I HATE to have the bottoms of my feet touched and if I don't like the texture of a given food, I can not eat it. I can not. I'm an adult and I can not do these things.

I'm newly pregnant and part of why I resisted this...experience for so long was because I seriously FEARED passing these things on to a child. I guess what made me be brave is the thought that I'd be missing out on a whole lot of love in the end. Our quirks make us who we are and in the end, we're all more interesting for them.

Or maybe that's just me.


My son's sensory issues are immediately recognizable as my own. But after a short time of blaming myself (because, I agree, there is such a drive to place blame somewhere, anywhere), I realized that not only did it accomplish nothing, but it even works against the fact that I generally like myself, including my hypersensitivity. So now I use the similarities to help me understand what my son is likely experiencing and am thankful that we're getting him some help (OT) that was never even considered when I was a kid. You're doing the same thing--and that will go a long ways to making his childhood easier than yours.


You're breaking my heart - and I'm nodding my head in agreement all at the same time.

I think almost everyone sees themselves in their children and hope for more - better - no matter who we are or who our children are. Unfortunately we don't all talk about it.


I'm a little freaked out by that scrape-y thing they use at the dentist. It seems sort of barbaric.


You're a good love and care for Noah, which is a lot more than can be said for other mothers and their children. We all have our issues, as do our children, but that's what makes us US and makes them who they are. If you changed anything about Noah, he wouldn't be NOAH. He might not have those adorable curls, or even more adorable laugh. He might not be such a good letter sorter or love Thomas quite as much (okay, that MIGHT not be a bad thing!). He's going to grow up to be a PERFECT version of NOAH and he won't hate you for it one bit!


I don't see how having sensory sensitivities is a flaw. :) You obviously turned out to be a functioning human being. Heck, you're way more than that. And Noah is too, already in his short life. I think it's great that you are able to empathize with him when he's struggling with something, rather than not understanding where he's coming from.

My Hubby won't eat pickles on burgers either. :)


lovely post Amy.

I see so much of myself in Michael. Especially the stubborness. Isn't it amazing how the stuff we hate in ourselves transfers to our children first.

Miss Britt

Oh Amalah, your poor little heart.

I don't know if it's any consolation - but your ability to communicate simple emotions in ways that most people can't and absolutely EXUDE joy?

Just like Noah.


There's nothing grosser than pickles on a burger. You rule.


I was a people-pleaser because my mom doled out conditional love. I was neurotic because I was a people-pleaser, and I was akward and clumsy because my mom sheltered me. I also had intimacy issues because of my father, and my sister stole the spotlight, causing me to lurk in shadows for most of my adult life.

And you're right - my kid has the same damn problems even though I tried to do everything *right*. She's socially akward, never wants to disappoint me, and obsessively organizes her toys despite my attempt at a laissez-fare attitude with her.



I'm sure you've seen this before, but it totally made me think of you.


Or, you could flip it around and think how your ticks was to make you more empathetic. To Noah and others as well. My oldest son has separation anxiety (he's 12) and I have a good understanding of what he's going through because I felt a lot of it too. Just not to the same degree.


When you figure out the turtleneck issue, let me know. I can't wear them -- I can't wear scarves -- I almost had a complete and utter nervous breakdown one year at Mardi Gras when I realized hours of revelry had resulted in 3000 beads around my neck. There are days when a bracelet or watch will make me claustrophobic.

You're welcome. You feel better about yourself now, don't you?


That is a *fabulous* picture of you! It may have taken some time for you to get comfortable with the idea of hanging upside down, but you're clearly having fun. It seems to me that's the important thing. Oh, and caramel sauce and milk for lunch? Sounds perfect to me!


even if he turns out to be exactly like you in every single way, the world will be better for it. besides, you'll probably get bored of blogging eventually, and it will be nice if those of us who are addicted to your particular brand of humor can just read noah's blog to get our fix.


My dear,

I promise you, it will get better with Noah.

With my son I also see how many of his sensory issues come genetically through us (more from his dad actually) but actually, it's also great to have that light thrown on the adult and realise that the reason he can't ever find the damn keys even though he's looking right at them, and the reason he doesn't hear me even when I'm right next to him when there's lots of surrounding noise, etc etc... are all because of sensory issues that no-one knew about back then. But! Look! He's ok! And.... he's even learned that some of the stuff we do with our boy helps him...even at this late stage in life!

We worry tremendously about our kids, and with a special needs kid we worry even more. How will they make it through school with such pronounced oversensitivity? What if he's always afraid of life? how will he be happy? And scores of other things.

But know that you are doing the best thing - getting help, and getting it early. A few years from now you will look back and see how far you have all come, and be so proud of your little man that he is who he is.

With you 100% of the way and holding out a virtual hand. Your son is precious... but you know that already. :-) So much more to say, but... you know... space for other commenters etc.

One last thing: try "Daniel Isn't Talking" by Marti Leimbach for an easy but great read about a mom, her kid and play therapy.


Delurking to join in the supportive chorus of you're ok, he'll be ok, we're all ok :)

I have sensory issues that I never realized were sensory issues until I read about them here. And reading about them and having them named was amazing. So THAT'S why I can't/ hate to: wear wool, wear turtlenecks, have tags on my clothes, touch food (especially meat! EW!) when cooking, have my hands wet, eat things that are in between crunchy and soft (god forbid soggy), catch things thrown at me, be lightly tickled, not walk in to doorframes/counters/the edge of our f***ing bed frame every day, etc, etc, etc. But you know what? I'm ok. I deal with the stuff I *have* to and now that I've named my issues I know what to avoid when I can.

Naming Noah's 'issues' and getting help for him so soon is the best possible thing you could be doing. He won't have the years of being somehow different, he'll know that some things bother him and that he can work through it.

And I have to second Miss Britt's beautiful comment.

problem girl

My son has massive sensory issues (even as an infant he had them) and sometimes it's kind of hard to deal with them all. The good news is that it does get easier with time. As Noah gets older and learns how to cope with different feelings and sensations and as you learn more ways to help him it will get easier. You're doing such a great job with your little guy!


I am with you, I can't stand pickles on McDonalds burgers. The texture just doesn't match. We need to start a movement to ban pickles on burgers!!


I cannot stand turtlenecks, either. Same goes for scarves. I have that same sense of choking. This totally ruined my aspirations of becoming a freaky goth weirdo. You know, because of the spiked choker wearing prerequisite.

I will blame that issue on you. Because you said so.

Mrs. Who

1. You might want to think about changing dentists. I also have the same phobias and literally break out into a cold sweat when I hear the sound of the drill. My dentist is warm and compassionate and provides me with headphones and as much nitrous oxide as I want - even for a cleaning!

2. Pickles are totally gross. If I accidentally bite into one on my burger, I just about barf.

3. I echo what others have said - everyone has their quirks and so do their kids. That's what makes!


Oh my goodness...
I think we are pretty rad people and we should continue to foster this cautiousness/anti-pickler/neck claustrophobia amongst our youth. A little crazy makes the world interesting.


I just got back from the gym after sweating my butt off and all I took from your great post was just McDonald's fries and quarter pounder with cheese :/


I just got back from the gym after sweating my butt off and all I took from your great post was just McDonald's fries and quarter pounder with cheese :/


Everybody has issues. I also hate turtlenecks and i literally cannot wear a watch. Just seeing a watch on somebody else's wrist makes my heart beat faster and my breath come up a little short.

There is no "normal". There is "average". The "average" person doesn't have strong opinions re: watches, food texture, or whatever.

Also, it could be some of Noah's issues are just from being, well, two. My oldest had a horrible time opening his mouth for toothbrushing, i think it just goes with the two-year-old territory. As he gets older, you will probably see some of the food issues fade away as well as his sensory issues, particularly if they're not made into A Big Deal (the way my mom forced me to wear turtlenecks, gah).


Forgot to mention that I finally realized i have the turtleneck/choking issue because my husband wanted to get me a necklace recently and I told him it had to be a long chain. He said, why? And I said--without even thinking--"I hate feeling like I'm being choked to death."

He blinked at me, got me a long chain, and that was the end of it. Huh.


Okay. So maybe, JUST MAYBE, noah inherited his sensory issues from you. But given this logic, you can look forward to watching a fabulously NORMAL boy grow up into an independent, adventuresome, witty, young man who has no problem expressing himself with the written word!


As a kid, I refused to wear jeans. Don't really know why - they were stiff? They itched? They just felt wrong? Instead, I wore leggings. Every day. For years. (Hey, it was the 80s...)

These days, I wear jeans. Nearly every day. No more leggings for me!

All children have their oddities. Some outgrow them, some don't. But they are what makes us who we are - unique in our own special non-jeans-wearing (or turtleneck-wearing) ways. And, as you say about Noah - no matter what, your family (and other special people) will love you no matter what.


I personally think it is great you experienced all that stuff because it makes you understand Noah better and be more patient with him. My daughter has some tactile sensory issues as well, and so did I (mine were mainly related to tags, seams, and getting dressed within an hour after a bath). I'm glad I did because when she has her issues, I know they are real! :)


Cannot handle turtlenecks, or even scoopnecks sometimes, and never, ever when sleeping. Ever. No pickle problems.

You know, I can thank my Dad for my panic disorder, and sometimes I sound so much like my Mom I cringe.

What bothers me is the way that neither of them will admit their problems, their weaknesses, their struggles.

In the end, though, Noah's struggles will make him wiser, stronger, and emotionally intelligent. Just like it did you.

Check out these great books about HSPs- Highly Sensitive Persons. I struggled for years with "quirks" and extreme emotional hypersensitivity. Then I read these books. Incredible stuff.


I'm Okay. You're Okay. Sounds like it should be a book.

Oh...wait a minute...


I'm with you on the pickles and the turtlenecks. With the pickles—it's the idea of hot pickles. YUCK! Turtlenecks? I'm choking. Give me a V-neck any day.


Amy, what a great post. There's so many "quirks" of mine I see in my son, but I feel like I'm helping him to work through them in ways I never learned until I was, well, in my 30's - which is right now. When he panics because the "S" he made for his kindergarten homework (yes, Kindergarten homework!)was "totally wrong" and the panicky breathing starts - I can say to him - "It's okay. Breathe. The world isn't going to fall apart. What could you do to fix it?" And I can help him through it - rather than stare blankly at him and not know what to do except to get mad at him - like my well meaning, but uninformed parents did to me.
You're so far beyond that. You're giving him a gift of learning how to deal with his own "quirky-ness" earlier in life. You go, girl!


Amy, don't blame yourself. I agree with everyone else here. We all have our quirks, every single one of us. I cannot stand pickles!! Even the smell of them make me gag, really bad. Everyone else in my family loves them. I can't finish a sandwich if there was a pickle on it. It's really bad. Kids chased me around camp with pickles from the snack bar. Things like this happen. It makes us stronger. Hang in there. Things will get better!


Man, you are totally normal. I don't think I've met anyone who wasn't like "God! I was a weird kid!"

I could NOT sit in a booth in a restaurant in the summer when I was wearing shorts. I SWORE there were crumbs everywhere. STUCK TO MY LEGS! THE MADNESS!

You are awesome. And Noah is absolutely perfect!


Field Day ... oh God! Definitely the ninth circle of hell. All the jocks used to make fun of me, the one who couldn't run a 100 meter dash without crying of a sense of failure the entire time.

Danielle will not ruin your child, I promise. :) We all have our 'things' that we are afraid we will pass on to our kids, but in the end, it usually evens itself out.


Because of my Z and the lessons I've learned through him, I know our kids are here to show us to ourselves. Seeing myself in him...vocabulary beyond his years (that other kids used to tease me about), absolutely no physical grace or athletic ability...

Instead of always looking back wistfully that I didn't measure up, I can actually love the sweet kid I was a little more. Because Z is so damn loveable and deserves a hella lot more than to be pigeonholed into our cultural stereotypes.

(And all this insight comes on the heels of watching a mother hand out birthday invites today as his class was letting out. In my estimation, she handed them out to almost everyone. But not Z. Bitch. Her kid's prolly and asshole, anyway.)


I totally hear you on the turtleneck thing! I cannot wear them for more than 15 seconds before I feel like I can't breathe or move my neck. And if you're worried about Noah having your "ticks", you should also think about how funny and cool you turned out. It's not such a bad thing.

bethany actually

I know all the things you described. There were many things in childhood I didn't eat because they felt strange in my mouth, and clothes I refused to wear because they were itchy in some indefinable way, and rooms I dreaded entering because of the noise level assaulting my brain and making it hard to think. My daughter shares many of these traits. But you know, I learned to live with and/or outgrew many of them and became a functional, even thriving adult. I pray the same is true for her, and for Noah.

You know what he's going through. That can only make you a better mom for him.


Just a comment or two besides the obvious "you rock and every kid should be as lucky as Noah to have you as a mother..."

I have always believed that the best teachers are those to whom the answers/life experiences don't come easy. It cultivates much more empathy and better teaching skills than anything else possibly could. So Noah is a chip off the old block. Great! You know just how to polish that stone till it shines!


When I read the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" huge lightbulbs went off in my head. That weird behavior in my son? Like hating public places (lights! people! aaaghh!) and wanting to wear clothes that were soft on the inside, those things? Well, he got from me. I learned more about myself from that book than I expected to, and what's more, what I read made it okay, finally, after all those years, to be that way. And fine for my son, too. Who at 11 no longer requires the tags cut out of his shirts and his socks turned inside out. Highly recommended, that book.

How wonderful that Noah has a mom who celebrates his uniqueness.


This is so familiar to me. My mom tells me that I was just like my Jack when I was a kid. I think we're probably both on the spectrum, but I have figured out ways to compensate for (most of) my "quirks." On one hand, I feel bad that I am probably partly to blame for Jack's struggles, but on the other hand, I think it'll be good for him to have an ally who really gets what it's like.


I appreciate this post and your honesty. I have really strange quirks, turtleneck non-wearing is one of them. I also can't listen to plastic bags un-crinkle. I can't put my hand into small bags because I have a fear of grabbing something gross I can't see...or something gross I can't see grabbing me.

I have panic attacks. I have anxiety problems. I have problems with depression.

And you know what? I didn't get it from my parents. I'm sure there are a few little strands of DNA in me that extracted some craziness from my mom and dad and put themselves into my body, but for the most part, I think I just am the way I am because that's how God created me and how I developed. And I learn to deal with it. You can't blame yourself for being who you are. And you certainly can't blame yourself for who Noah is if you're being the best parent you can be.

I'm an only child, and I give my parents a lot of credit for raising someone like me, because I bet it was pretty fucking hard.

So go hug Noah and promise him you'll never stop loving him. And let the rest take care of itself.


Amy don't worry, I use sleep dentistry for everything!! Wanna know why? I watched the hbo movie "the dentist" and have been terrified ever since. Stocking oh the horror of stockings my mom used to make me wear them when I was young and I would purposely tear holes in the toes because for god's sake my toes are being smothered by nylon!!
Till this day every time I want to wear a skirt I need to buy stockings the day before because dammit my toes need to breathe! And I just turned 28


By the way I don't like stir frys or any type of food that is mixed together by someone else because then I feel like I can't see all the ingredients and what if I eat something I can't identify.
My mother has none of these quirks, my 2 year old brother every single one of them and we have different daddies so that ain't it.


I sit and wonder why my son never stops moving. From sun up to sun down he doesn't stop. Trying to get him to nap is a huge fight until I convince him that it'll be ok, he won't miss a thing, to just relax and he does and once he wakes up he starts all over again. Then I realize he is much like me, I can't sit still. I feel guilty for stopping even for a second to relax. It takes a lot for me to convince myself that taking a nap with him, is ok. I won't miss a thing!

Daddy Dan

I know exactly how you feel about the dentist. Every time I go I try to come up with any excuse to cancel my appointment. Help a friend move? Babysit five newborns with colic? Remove a splinter from an angry lion's paw? Sure, just let me cancel that appointment and I'll be right there.


I read about the turtle necks and realised that I wasn't breathing, so huge is my hatred of things touching my neck.
Noah is pretty sure to be much loved right through his life then if he takes after his mama. When are you going to start talking to him about his blog? Could you start to brain wash him now so we can all read HIS side of this story?!!


Ooooh boy do I hear ya!

I wish I could blame some of my son's 'quirks' on my husband's genes, but, but...I can't. I know exactly from whence they sprang.

The funny thing is realizing (anew) at just how picky I still am, I've just learned to be quite good at hiding it in social situations.


I chime in with everyone else who says you are NOT alone. And neither is Noah. I can't eat wild rice. CAN'T. It looks like bugs and it's crunchy and AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hate it. Cannot eat it. But I love pickles. Pickles should be on everything.

I get horrible panic attacks too. And nightmares about my teeth, ALL THE TIME. I'm not going to post about my dental history, because this is not a horror movie.


I'm the same way with textures and whatnot. There are a number of things I don't eat (like onions) even though I like the flavor - I can't handle the way they feel. And I have sweaters that make me want to grind my teeth on them, but not in a good way. It's hard to explain, but maybe your brand of Crazy is similar enough to mine that you can understand. :)


I just want to say it is awesome to read that so many people have similar sensory makes me feel so much less alone, so much less of a weirdo!...And I hope it helps you realize the same stuff about you and Noah- you've got lots of quirky company :)

Daily Tragedies

I'm not sure I ever hung upside down from the monkey bars. Lord knows I tried, but I don't think I ever convinced myself to let go with both hands.

Of course, I turned out just fine. Of course, I hope my kids can do things that I couldn't. Like let go.

jive turkey

There's not a person alive on this earth without their don't have to look any further than this comments section to see that! It's just that - like everything else in life - any little difference makes us feel like a TOTAL FREAKS. But at least you recognize these things in yourself and in Noah, and having a mom who UNDERSTANDS why a seemingly small thing can be absolute torture will help him so, so much.
Me? I can't stand the sensation of OJ with pulp, walking around in bare feet, or anything that has to do with throwing up. Yay.


Great post. I too can see so much of myself in my son. But, we're supposed too! Kids get the good and 'bad' DNA of their parents. That said, the quirks we share I can totally relate to and understand, even though when he was little he could't express appropriately his frustrations, I understood, and it made dealing with them easier for both of us. Noah will benefit from his quirks being related to yours and you understanding personally how they feel.


Can't stand turtle necks for same reason, and I've never hung from the monkey bars, or even right side up.


ohgawd, bigsighs My second son is just like me, and I hopepraywish for him to get along in this world, he is so soft-hearted and sensitive,I fear the a$$es of the world will want to make life hard for him. I have no words to say how your post made me feel. see? even what I wrote doesn't really make sense, probably, to anyone but myself, but there it is.


Yup, we can all be sure that our kids will be seeing therapists about their crazy mothers somewhere down the road.
That's our job, our role, giving them someone to blame for ever on.


Yeah, it will be OK, and yeah, he really is young, Ame.


I'm to blame for stuff with my kids too. But I figure it's been passed from generation to generation. So it's not my fault, it's my great great great ancestors. (I teach my kids to deflect blame. I'm a good parent like that.)


I really appreciate your honesty in this post. Even though I don't have kids I do worry about how what I do will shape the life of my future children. But just have faith that you are doing the best you can, you are not intentionally doing things to harm Noah-quite the opposite-believe me there is quite a difference-you are doing a great job-you are a loving mom and it shows.


I understand how you feel. I have slowly realized that many of Cordy's quirks are mine, too, only I've learned to deal with them and get by. (For the record, I hate turtlenecks, too, and haven't owned one since I was a kid. Just the thought of one makes me feel like I'm suffocating.)

But you and I have learned to deal with our issues, and if we did it without therapists and specialists, just think of how well Noah will overcome it! He has a mom who understands what he's going through, and parents who will do whatever needs to be done to help him through these sensitivities.


but you too are the perfect mom for your perfect boy. Regardless of your "things" - only you could know how to perfectly handle Noah's. 8D


I struggle with depression and anxiety and self-esteem and body image issues. This is one of my greatest fears. Thank you. ::hugs::


Now stop that! Although I do like to tease my mom for giving me all her "issues" I wouldn't trade having her as a mom for anything and I'm sure Noah will feel the same way!


Happy Blogiversary! (I remembered because it's also my wedding anniversary. Sorry I'm late. I forgot my anniversary, too.)


I've been a reader of yours since I googled "how to get rid of flour weevils" and found you. You make me laugh, make me cry, and make me ponder. You're a fabulous mother who has nothing to do with your child's fears except teach him how to handle them. I personally, have a fear of spiders, but I KNOW that it has nothing to do with my mother (i.e. she never set me in a torture chamber pouring spiders all over my head while cackling evil laughs at my expense). It's just my personal thing. Also, I wasn't aware that you had had panic attacks. I still suffer from them, so if you have any suggestions... I'm open! (those, too, I know I've created all by my lonesome)


Don't blame yourself sweet cheeks! You aren't doing anything but GOOD for Noah. There is no bad to be had by you. Please don't blame're a fantastic mother!

Also, great monkey bar pic! :)


We are who we are--and we all have these little quirks. They are what make us unique and life would be one boring place if we didn't have them.

And just for the record, all of my kids (all five of them!) hate turtlenecks for that very same reason ("They CHOKE ME!") and my oldest son hates to put on his own socks because "They're all fuzzy. I hate the way they feel on my fingers!" At the age of NINE, he still occasionally asks me to put on his socks for him. But he will do it if he has to and while yes, he's quirky--aren't we all?

I also hate the dentist, I hate anyone touching me unless I'm well-prepared, and not only was I "the last one in my class" to hang upside down from the monkey bars...I have NEVER hung upside down from the monkey bars. Ever. And you know what? I'm okay with that.

Anyway, we are all unique, with both quirks and gifts. There is nothing wrong or bad about being who we are.

I, for one, think you're great--and you're a great mother to Noah, too.

Brigid Keely

I can't eat mushrooms or non-sundried tomatoes because of the texture. I gag.

I'm very clumsy and fall over sometimes for no reason.

I have a hard time recognizing faces, and am more likely to recognize someone based on the way they walk or stand than their, you know, face.

I'm often awkward in social situations.

I can't stand certain sounds and textures. They make my skin crawl in a very irrational way.

I have an incredibly poor sense of direction and get lost at the drop of a hat.

That's just the way I am. I have problems processing certain sensory information. Some of the stuff that's normal for other people is TOO INTENSE for me, or too light. There's a very good chance that if I have kids, my kids will have the same issues... especially since my fiance has similar problems, although far fewer than I do. Or else he's just quieter about them. ;)

Noah's problems ARE problems. They're going to negatively affect his life, just like they negatively affected your life. BUT there's treatments for this bundle of what-the-fuckery. There's ways for kids (and adults) to learn to cope and deal and adapt and live their lives.

It sounds like you've done pretty much everything right so far. You keep your kid clean, safe, fed, and loved. You got him evaluated, and he's going through therapy. He's already progressing rapidly. That's really awesome! I wish I'd had that kind of help as a kid. BUT it's great knowing that that kind of help is available to other kids who need it.

You're a successful, competent adult. You learned to live with your "quirks" and "tics." Noah's got extra help, from his family and from professionals. Don't blame yourself. Thank yourself. It's all gonna be good.


honey, i love you. that's it.

oh and also: it WILL be okay. all of it. xoxo


i feel exactly the same as you. my 2.5 year old son has Selective Eating Disorder. doesn't like textures, especially when there is more than one to deal with at once. he used to gag at everything, but that's getting a bit better. well...unless a doctor is trying to use a tongue depressor on him!

i fear it is my own doing. i have a lot of issues with foods and textures myself. i'm so far beyond a "picky eater"...i don't think they have a word for me yet. when i eat burgers, any little difference in the texture that might signify gristle, and up it comes. i once puked right onto my plate at my mother-in-law has never made burgers for us since then.

i know it's tough not to feel guilt. after all, that's what moms do best, right? i find it hard not to wonder what if....but that's just not healthy.


one of my children has a sensory integration issue and i know he got it from me. i know it. my husband and my parents know it too. it makes me feel so guilty.

The comments to this entry are closed.