Chuckie Ugly

Sodor Peaks

When we last visited the Lynchian-like Wonderland that is the stupid wooden train set in Amy's basement that she is obsessed with beyond all that is good and decent, things were bleak. Track shortages had left gaping holes in the railway line. A labor dispute over the protected marshlands had shut all development down on the northeast side of the island, Sir Topham Hatt was blitzed out of his gourd, and Thomas had met his evil twin, Samohto Monteban, who repeatedly foiled his plans to be a Really Useful Engine. Usually by Not Working Together and Getting the Job Done Fast Instead of Right. Tsk tsk, Samohto!


Since then, massive infrastructure investments have been made, as well as a move towards renewable energy in the form of a windmill. Al Gore even visited the island for a ribbon-cutting ceremony.

Things were looking up.


Unfortunately, the windmill contract ended up in the hands of organized crime, who quickly began producing "flour," and yet the children of Sodor regularly went without bread or birthday cakes.


The crime syndicate did manage to get the work stoppage lifted, but then quickly converted the marshlands to a scrap yard, where vehicles often ended up under mysterious circumstances.


"Fuck all of y'all," said local law enforcement. "I'm getting off this rock and going to Boca."


After that, nobody even bothers to fish the bodies out of the lake anymore.

"The sign says 'No Fishing'," said Thomas sternly. "We mustn't break the rules."

The other engines all agree that Thomas was one dumb shit, but are too busy fighting for the "flour" delivery job to care about dead bodies.


Tolls skyrocketed. Deforestation further threatens the island's ecosystem.

Thomas tries to keep smiling, but at night he cries a lot.


Heavy concentrations of lead have created a population of depressed and suicidal hermaphroditic dairy cows.


And there's some REALLY weird shit going on at the Olde Genetics Mill.

Yes, things are still bleak on the Isle of Sodor. Is Samohto behind it all? Can he be stopped? Can Thomas and Al Gore save the day?  Will James and Gordon ever stop being so fucking cross all the time? And which, if any, of these photos are staged, and if they were NOT staged, whose imagination should we be most concerned with, mine or Noah's?

Find out in the next installment of SODOR PEAKS: CHOO CHOO CH'BOOGIE WITH ME.


(Okay, I'm gonna take full responsibility for this one, and yes, I am very ashamed of myself.)



Heh. Heh heh.




PS before anyone even says it: the red train in the one photo is NOT the red Thomas & Friends train that was recalled. It's an Imaginarium knock-off. An impostor! OMG!


One day Noah is going to realize you are the coolest mom EVER.


Totally dorky questions: What table did you buy for Noah? We are going to buy one for Christmas and it is very hard to decide what to pick... Agh the decisions involved in parenting...


Dead of the hilarity. Thunk.


Preggo Brain(see above)you're too eff'n funny


Here's what I learned in the hell that was large animal medicine.

All cattle have horns. Cows, by definition female, typically have their horn buds burned shortly after birth. The cow in question is probably not a hermaphrodite, but cows will hump each other during 'that time' so she may just be confused. Or finding herself.

Oh, and cattle have ONE stomach divided into FOUR compartments. ONE, got it? That question showed up on every damn exam.


Oh dear Lord, how could you use your innocent child's toys in such a sick and twisted manner? You better hope the N.O.T.P.S.C.T. (National Organization to Protect the Sanctity of Children's Toys) doesn't get wind of this! Just wait and see what Al Gore has to say about that! There must be something seriously wrong with you.

And with me. Because this is the shit that I tune in daily for.

Carry on.


So when Sir Topham Hat drops his pants does he have a little wooden dowel there, or are his cow-poking parts just painted on?


My husband and I are having our first baby in a few months and I'm pretty sure, based on a few pre-baby trips to Toys R Us, that we will probably have more fun with the toys than our kid does!

Thanks for the laugh!


Where's Percy? Still in the Closet? I always got a kick out of Sodor...


When I visit my nephew, I end up playing with his toys more than he does. So, I am of the firm opinion that playing with your kids toys shows that you have an excellent imagination and a playful heart. Big kids of the world unite!

Lisa V

Hey it's clear Toppum Hat was only doing a little cow tipping, and then realized how long it had been since he had seen Mrs. Topless Hat and one thing led to another.

I'm sure rehab will be in order.


This just made my whole day.


This is almost as twisted and hilarious as the Blue's Clues Entry ( which is still my favorite.

P.S. I spy Clyde's toys.


Where did you get the table? And which train set(s) do you have? Because that is a ROCKIN' setup, and since we're getting ready to move our son to a bigger bedroom with an attached "bonus room" for toys, we could maybe upgrade him to a deluxe train setup like that.

LOVED this post. You crack me up.


ROTFLMAO and also.. looking back through the pics to see if I can find "Diesel". I never realized today whilst watching with my son James (who is not impressed with the other train being named James btw) that Diesel is a serious jerk. This post was awesome..keep 'em coming!


That last one is a perfect ending. I'm looking forward to the next installment.


oh and nice touch with "Doc" by the way. LOL!!!! the movie "Cars" is the new obsession in the Bent household.


But the sign obviously did not say no swimming.

Go Al Gore!


Hoo boy. I'm at work so I had to laugh behind my hand at the Olde Genetics Mill picture and caption.
Oh baby oh baby.
Is it weird that I'm already looking forward to the next installment?
Amalah, you are truly gifted in the hilarity department. Happy Friday!! :)

Maxine Dangerous

Please never work outside your home again so that you can spend your days taking pictures of your son's toys and writing stories about them and amusing the sh!t out of me. :) The part about the hermaphroditic (read: intersexed) cows killed me. I had tears pouring out of my eyes as I sat at work silently laughing. Read: HARD.TO.DO. :) Also, an audible "No, you didn't!" came out of my mouth at the last picture. With a smile, of course. :)


There is no shame in publishing that lurid photo of Sir Topham hat. Possibly it will help him see he's hit rock bottom & needs help with his problems; unlike Britney Spears.


Classic. Love the last pic.

My husband and I realized we had entered the world of "lame parents" when we found ourselves staying up late reconfiguring our sons tracks and trying to out-do each other. It's seriously the best babysitter in the world though, next to the TV that is.


OMFG...the COW!!!!!!!!!!



I always thought that Sir Topham Hat had some, ahem, issues...


Cow love. Ha!


These Thomas the Tank Engine photo essays are becoming my favorite posts ever. With a little more man-on-cow action you could have your own telenovela.


You are definitely the funniest person EVAH. Thanks for making my Friday!


you should totally write a children's book. Waaaay more interesting than most of the crap out there.


and what does it say about me that my very favorite thing to read EVER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD is basically a story about you playing with your kid's toys?


I just laughed so hard I almost cried. I can't wait for the next installment.

Lisa Ann

You are so very sick and twisted. And I love it.


I would like to know what Sir Topham is doing behind the roundhouse with the Conductor...


freakin' hysterical


Thank you for making me laugh, yet again! I too have had many a thought about the toys in my house, but never put them to paper (or, well, screen).


We got Noah's train table at Target. It's this one.

As for the train set itself...well, it started as a simple Thomas Figure 8 set and has quickly spiraled completely out of control with additional random bridges and NOW A WINDMILL, WHICH I BOUGHT SPECIFICALLY TO FILL A LENGTH OF TRACK THAT I THOUGHT WAS "BORING LOOKING."

We also own every specialty connector-type track AND supplemental Imaginarium trains and track because the fucking thing was costing us a fucking fortune.

(It's worth it! We love it! Noah loves it! It really is his favorite toy in the world, besides the 50 cent plastic dinosaur from Chuck E. Cheese and this butt-ugly set of farm animals I bought for a dollar to keep him happy on the train to NY.)


You are waaayyy more imaginative with your Thomas set than we are. This is hilarious!


So when's your first children's book coming out?

That was good. Thanks for the laugh!


Oh my gosh! Hermaphroditic cows!!! That's hilarious!!


You could do a Book of Regrettable Toys. I would buy it and it would sit proudly alongside my Book of Regrettable Foods.


"Butt"-ugly farm animals? Did you even realize what you said there?? I guess that explains the last photo! At least the guy in the top hat had the grace to blush ;)

Jenny H.

Make it stop!!!

I had to run out of here after the last picture because I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants!


Love. It. Especially the Olde Genetics Mill. OMG.

I'm guessing Noah put the dinosaurs there and you put the cow on the track (there's a Thomas the Tank Engine story with a Cow on the Line and I was always, "JUST RUN THE DAMN COW OVER!"

Mrs Butter B

Ok, to show how actually sick and twisted I am, I actually think this is the best blog entry I've read (amalah and others) all year.

Its been a really sucky stupid day, that's all I'm sayin.


if i owned some kind of production company, i would totally pick up those storylines and make us rich off them!
What 6 year old doesnt love a good hermaphroditic cow every once in a while? EXACTLY.


ROFL OMG that was brilliant. I love these!!!! That town has more drama than all the daytime soaps put together. Love it!


"Useful crew" my butt!

:You are too funny, dear.


I like your set better. The set we have is this motorized thing that drops off oranges and the helicopter dude spins it around and they all work together and it's totally awesome. We spent a few minutes (weeks) putting it together, and then remained fascinated with its completely independent operation, until I realized - "Wait, apparently all you're supposed to do is watch this. Is this to keep him occupied? I already have TV for him to watch and be occupied by, I need toys to like, teach him shit."


Okay, you really need to get out more! :-) Very creative though!


OK, you just made me laugh out loud! I have seen commercials for this set (after you introduced me) and it is like a horror movie.

Isabel Kallman



OMG whatever you're taking please share! I'll be more than glad to pay for shipping and handling :)
You're just too funny!!!


This is my favorite series ever. Seriously.


OMG!!! I just peed my pants a lot. Thank you for letting me know that I am not the only one who has homicidal fantasies involving the 2 billion 750000 Thomas trains we have here and all of the layouts involved. I printed this out and laminated it, so at night it is the last thing I read and can have happy happy dreams!!






I just snorted red wine out my nose. Twice.


Absolutely fucking hysterical. I want to crawl in your brain and steal your wittiness! Good lord you are talented. (It's okay - I don't really know how to steal wittiness. Or do I....? Better sleep with one eye open. ;-D)


OMG I just peed in my pants!


OMG I just peed in my pants!

Heather B.

I'm waiting with bated breath for the next installment.

Undomestic Diva

Step away from the Thomas shit. Step away.

The crime is not that you allow your child to watch the worst cartoon(?) ever, but that you have to endure it as well.

"Thomas is a very ANNOYING engine."


Depressed, suicidal and GIGANTIC hermaphroditic dairy cows. I mean, that cow is much taller than the train. Yet... somehow... fairly proportionate to the man rogering him. I am confused.


Very cute and creative, but seriously- get out of the basement. Walk away from the trainset...

On another note, loved, loved, loved your last post. I have a kiddo very much like Noah who is six years old now. He has his issues, many of them so much like my own, and is just fine. I drug myself to go in for a dental cleaning- no I'm not kidding. Quirky- it's so the new black : )


Seriously, funniest thing I've seen all week. Brilliant!


insanely effin' funny.


I am coming out of lurkdom for this....absolutely hilarious, and just what I needed today. I love it. thanks.


This is hysterical! I'm new here, and I missed the chance to comment on the post where you mention your two-year-old weighs 28 lbs. I have a daughter who is going to turn 5 this month, and she weighs... 33 lbs. I also have an almost 7 year old who has fear issues. Two days ago, I had to carry her in order to get her onto an escalator (there were no stairs or elevators), because she was terrified. So I know where you're coming from.


Amy you have the awesome ability to make so many people pee on should be proud. Although I personally did not pee on myself that was the highlight of my day.


OMG! I am glad I am not the only one this warped...I just don't have the courage to post it on my should see what Barbie can do in Legoland....GO GIRL!



Katie Kat

Sodor is just one backwards "r" and a "y" away from Sodomy... just sayin.

I'm on the edge of my seat for the next installment!


This is clearly the awesomest post ever.

Fraulein N

Bwah! I pink-glittery-heart the hermaphroditic cow.

But not as much as Sir Topham Hatt, apparently.


that's hilarious.


Love the dinosaurs over there!


Just found your site...of course my wife has been reading for months so she is much cooler than me.
Good stuff.


Wow...way better stuff happens on Sodor at your house than at ours. Are Alicia Botti & Farmer McColl going to make an appearance? TMZ is reporting that the two of them & Sir Topham Hatt were spotted in QUITE a compromising position. And have you SEEN Mrs. Topham Hatt? No wonder he wanders!


I don't know which makes me love you more, the "Samohto", or the Twin Peaks reference at the end. Okay, it's both of them.


you are absolutely hysterical! my son is addicted to all things thomas and i will never look at sir toppam hat the same again!


Christine: Not all cattle have horns or horn buds, at least not visible ones. Many breeds have "naturally polled" variations- Shorthorns and Herefords and Angus for sure, and probably lots of others. My cow Angelica is proof that it doesn't always work out for the naturally polled Shorthorn, but yeah. It's easier to breed out horns than it is to cauterize the horn buds.

Amalah: This was HILARIOUS.


I. Love. You.


oh my god, that whole thing is priceless!


That is a LOT of confusion and delay. Though Sir Topham Hatt looks a little too busy to notice.


I read your blog here and there, but this was too funny to pass up. Makes me wonder if my parents ever played with my toys in some twisted way...Actually, strike that. I'd rather not know!


That last cow doesn't say Moo, he says, "Boo-hoo".


Why are you so funny?

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