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November 2007
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January 2008

So Hey, How's THAT WHOLE THING Going?

Or, The ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor and Me Or, I Am Pretty Sure I Stole This From Julie, Oh Look, Yes, I Totally Did CYCLE DAY ONE, OPTIMISM PREVAILS Amy: M button! M is for menstruation, kids. ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Oh my God, you mean you actually read the instruction manual this month? Amy: Yes! I did! I actually know what I'm doing this time, so let's go ahead and say that the only thing standing in my way of pregnancy was that I did not fully understand modern peestick technology. ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Bring it, bitch. CYCLE DAY FIVE, DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO UNWRAP THOSE DAMN STICKS FIRST THING IN THE MORNING WHEN YOU REALLY HAVE TO PEE? ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Pee on a stick. Amy: You have a LOT to learn about me and my long-ass cycles, don't you? CYCLE DAY NINE ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Pee on a stick. Amy: This box of sticks was supposed to last three cycles, you know. CYCLE DAY 13, WHEEEE ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor: Pee on a stick. Amy: Ok, so if my calculations are correct, we may possibly be getting somewhere close to...... Read more →

Chuckie Ugly

Or why you should never invite Competitive Internet Blogger Peoples to your child's birthday party: Heather may have stolen tickets from two-year-olds, but I stole balls from them in order to keep this one pesky little toddler in an orange shirt from rolling my precious balls and generally just effing with my zone. The birthday boy's father was trying to get nice photos of everybody and clearly, we cannot be bothered. Pushing my hair off my face would have required moving my hand from my thigh and THAT'S MY LUCKY STANCE. CANNOT MOVE. GO AWAY. 100,000 POINTS BUCKET IS IN RANGE AND THERE'S A PLASTIC SPIDER RING WITH MY NAME ON IT. The good news is that you cannot see my pit stains. Skeeball is QUITE the exertion, y'all. (I will note that Heather kept her valuable prizes for HERSELF, and I at least gave mine to Noah, who promptly broke his soccer-ball bracelet into a dozen separate choking hazards.) (Oh fine, I did eat the Tootsie Roll. But it's not like he needed more chocolate.) We don't get many birthday party invites. I don't know why. Read more →