So I was rifling through the closet today -- looking for my lost glove, of all things -- when...what's this thing? A...toddler? Oh RIGHT! My other kid. I completely forgot. Noah's doing just fine, thank you for vaguely maybe thinking of asking. The hellacious tantrums of a few weeks back turned out to be, like many of you said, the precursor to a lovely developmental spurt. He went to bed one night saying, "Bye Dada" and woke up the next morning saying, "Bye-bye Dada go work ALL GONE!" Complete with a little hand-wringing and the perfect touch of woe during the "ALL GONE!" part, like "Yes, Dada is all gone. We are fresh out of Dadas and do not expect our next shipment for at least six to eight weeks and it just breaks my heart to have to tell you this, ma'am." Don't get me wrong -- he can still be a willful little shit if he wants to, but 99.9999999% of the time I just adore the hell out of him. In a couple weeks we begin "transitional testing" -- basically we start the assessment process all over again to see what (if any) services Noah will qualify... Read more →

The past few days have been a cavalcade of smack-you-in-the-face headaches. They start around noon, showing up just in time to kill my appetite for lunch (Noah ate cereal out of the box and several Kraft Singles for lunch on Monday, and I will not apologize) and then build into a full-on migraine within a few hours, meaning I spend the afternoon either in bed or in the bathroom with my temples pressed against the cool floor tile while I fight the stomach-churning dry heaves. Poor HeatherB showed up on Monday in the thick of it, in an unfortunate clusterfuckery miscommunicated visit, and I literally sat there and mouth-breathed on her for 10 minutes before finally admitting that I needed to go back to bed before my skull cracked in two. Then everyday Jason gets home and asks if I've taken anything, and I meekly reply that I tried some pregnancy-approved Tylenol, and then he rolls his eyes and chucks the bottle of Excedrin at my aching head, which actually makes it feel better, probably because of the precious non-pregnancy-approved aspirin and caffeine granules coating the bottle. Mmmm, osmosis. Dear Quasimobryo: Mama doesn't WANT to pickle you and make you... Read more →

And more thump thump thump thump thump. Translation: we saw the heartbeat. Um, whew? Yes. Whew. We even got to see it in 3D. It was...lumpy. Everything looks fine, if a little on the petite side. Quasimobryo measured at only 5w6d. Which...is exactly how far along we thought I was LAST Monday. An entire week of progress, gone! It's like crossing off every time on your to-do list, only to flip it over and discover it's a two-sided list. Or waking up, showering and getting dressed...and then waking up and realizing it was all a dream and you have to get out of bed AGAIN. So my due date got pushed back ANOTHER week, to October 22nd. Ish. If this keeps up I will be pregnant until 2009. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going out back to go all Office Space on that fancy fertility monitor with a baseball bat. Oh, I'm kidding. You know I'm just going to go take a nap. Read more →

Okay so I am emerging again from my near-narcoleptic state to post another damn run-on sentence entry and you know what I think I posted a lot of run-on sentence entries when I was pregnant before so I wonder if I should go ahead and make "punctuation aversions" an official pregnancy symptom on my still-to-come, just-hammering-out-a-few-final-details pregnancy calendar blog over at AlphaMom, because hey! It's my pregnancy guide and I CAN INVENT WHATEVER SYMPTOMS I WANT. FARTING. THAT'S A SYMPTOM. ALSO EXCESS EAR WAX, WHILE WE'RE AT IT. What the fuck was I talking about? I got thrown off by all that punctuation. Oh, right, differing pregnancy symptoms between this one and my first, like the complete lack of puking (I really do believe I did have a stomach bug two weeks ago, although I'm sure the rising pregnancy hormones didn't help things any) and only the barest waves of post-prenatal-vitamin queasiness, which I cannot lie is freaking me out a little because last time I was so unbelievably miserable I lost over 10 pounds the first trimester, while this time I am eating us out of house and home and THIN MINTS THIN MINTS THIN MINTS! Followed by NACHOS!... Read more →

Wow, so I feel like I need to apologize for the sporadic posting this week but I should probably spend the time it would take to type an apology to actually post something worthwhile but there's this thing that keeps happening every afternoon, right when Noah goes down for his nap which is finally my time to write something worthwhile...I get on the couch...with my laptop...and...yawwwn...oh...wait... fuckkldrzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Read more →

I am thinking of changing my default publishing settings here on the ol' weblog. "Publish Now" should really mean "Publish in Five Hours, When Amy Will Inevitably Need to Eat a Few of Her Words." After mentioning how ever-so-calllllm I was on Friday about the lack of a doctor's appointment in my immediate future and blah blah cramping tra la laaaaaa, I was on the phone with my doctor's office several hours later procuring myself a first-thing-Monday-morning ultrasound because of the constant, painful cramping. Carry toddler upstairs to bed? That's a cramping. Go 10 minutes without a big swig from the water bottle? That's a cramping. Bake yet another batch of brownies while standing upright? You better believe that's a cramping, fat ass. He mentioned stuff I already knew: drink lots of water, lie down and rest as much as possible, is probably completely normal as long as there's no bleeding. But he also felt that it was worth getting a look in there as soon as possible, just to be sure. I almost canceled the appointment several times over the weekend since the math suggested that it was way too soon to see anything useful, like a heartbeat or... Read more →

So. I take it y'all read the news? Yeah. When I wrote Monday's post, I was already pregnant. When I preemptively snapped at anyone who DARED to make the puking = pregnant connection last week, I was already pregnant. I just didn't KNOW that I was already pregnant. Really! I would have told you, Internet. Honest. You know there's no secrets between us, baby. Shh. Don't be like that. I really did take a test last week -- the very last test stick in the house, which somehow managed to survive last month's two-week rampage of peesticking and disappointment. I tested after our fall that nearly caused my nine-months-pregnant friend to spontaneously deliver on our sidewalk out of sheer terror, and after a lunch out with her where every smell in the place caused my stomach to flip and flop and bleh. It was negative, and possibly gave me the finger, because it was one of those fancy digital ones. NOT PREGNANT, it said. ALSO FUCK YOU! I enjoy paying extra for the attitude. Then I went and threw up. And then threw up again. Then I felt better. Then I threw up again on Friday morning. Heartburn kept me... Read more →

On our very first Valentine's Day together, I sat across the table from a tall dark-haired boy and looked into his eyes and decided that he was the one. It was probably our fifth or sixth date, and I refuse to give my 19-year-old self any credit for this decision -- she was an idiot who didn't know anything, but sure as hell thought she did. I suppose I could try to see it as some kind of fate or higher power leading my idiot self in the right direction, or maybe deep down in my rebellious, flightly little soul was a flicker of wisdom beyond my years, but mostly: I was an idiot who got incredibly damned lucky. On another Valentine's Day together, we went up to visit his brother in Boston. We sat across the table from each other at an Indian restaurant he'd chosen and looked into each other's eyes in a panic because what the hell was this shit? Couldn't we go get some pizza instead? Then we each took a few bites and looked at each other again and realized we loved this and wordlessly pledged to each other that we would spend the rest... Read more →

Or Toddler, Thy Name is Drama. I don't really know. The point is: I am five minutes away from FedExing my child to China. Noah has been, no lie and no exaggeration, throwing one solid tantrum since early yesterday, with only the occasional breathing break. THINGS THAT HAVE MADE NOAH FALL TO THE FLOOR AND WEEP BIG FAT TEARS INCONSOLABLY IN THE PAST 24 HOURS: 1) Asking for more Cheerios, being reminded of the gigantic pile of Cheerios directly in front of him. 2) Asking for more milk, being reminded of the very full cup of milk directly in front of him. 3) Climbing out the back of a chair and getting stuck because he refuses to take the sippy cup out of his mouth. 4) The 30 seconds it takes to microwave his dinner. 5) Asking for a cookie, getting said cookie, discovering that he actually really wanted some cake. 6) Blue's Clues, because Steve is wasting precious seconds looking for a clue that is RIGHT FUCKING THERE IN FRONT OF HIM ZOMG. 7) His new Thomas the Tank Engine jammies, because they need to be ON HIS BODY instead of carried around like a blankie. 8) Deliberately hitting... Read more →

Yesterday, after I asked him if he was ready to go to school: Noted. Now go put your shoes on. Read more →