I Didn't Spare My Family Any Morning Sickness Details Either
A Story That I Will Never Ever Tell Anyone, Except Perhaps the Entire Internet

11 Weeks

So I have only thrown up twice this week.

Quick! Let me know you've read that sentence (use some hand signals, or just cough kind of pointedly) so I can delete it. My blog has become a passive aggressive ASSHOLE, and has somehow artificial-intelligenced itself into my digestive tract so anytime I mention feeling relatively okay it decides to punish me.

(Shit. I bet it's reading that paragraph right now. Quick! Pretend we're talking about something else.)

...and then I was like, OH MY GOD, there's a llama in the backyard! But it was only the hydrangea.


Dog butts: for when you cannot think of an appropriate segue.

So I'm somewhere in the vicinity of 11 weeks, and starting to feel like I might just make it out of this thing alive. Last week was definitely the worst -- I threw up pretty much every night, was unable to eat dinner, and then woke up every morning with crashing blood sugar and ravenous hunger, but was always faced with three smaller beings who insist on being fed first, even though SOME OF THEM eat food that smells like rancid-cold-cut-and-mackerel salad, I AM NOT SAYING WHO.


Whut? Can't I horf cat fud in peace over here?

(By the way, since I am a crumbly emotional mess these days, I feel the need to counter all my dogthing-mocking with a declaration of love for the hamsterdog. She may need a diet, probably a bath and definitely a less disproportionate headsize-to-body ratio, and my GOD, must she have an aneurysm EVERY time the mailman walks by, but she really DOES get plenty of love and affection and clearly, way too much ham.)

My next OB appointment isn't for another week and a half, which means the reassurance from my last visit is starting to wear off and I'm fighting the urge to call and invent a pressing reason why I need an ultrasound RIGHT NOW, since "I only threw up twice this week!" or "I dunno, I think I feel a little less gassy" won't really cut it.

I rented a doppler last time, and ended up accidentally keeping it (and paying monthly rent on it) for close to 18 months, and then stupidly sent it back when I was one damn payment away from owning the damn thing outright. (Every once in awhile, though, I get a $10 check from them, presumably from people who stumble upon the referral number I posted ages ago. So I'll probably break even in about 23 years, provided I keep my Google Page Rank up.)

Needless to say, I am not allowed to rent another doppler ever.

Oh, and about this. I still don't know. Your comments certainly got me jazzed for the idea of a big birthday reveal moment, but then a minute later I get distracted by something and change my mind. Jason is firmly in the find-out camp, but is willing to go along with whatever I ultimately decide, probably because he KNOWS I won't really be able to hold out and will eventually cave, so it's safe to indulge me for now. So...realistically, I'm guessing we'll find out, unless the baby is modest and keeps his legs crossed for the next few ultrasounds.

(Yeah, I said his. In a way, I think the whole issue is moot, because I'm fairly sure it's another boy.)


Still fairly sure it's a Wonderpet.


The belly at dawn, as compared to the belly at night, with a day's worth of bloat. Ah, dignity. I must have left it in my other pants. The ones I can't button, no matter what time of day it is. Stupid pants.



I bet given the choice, Asher would choose Ming Ming over a brother or sister any day. And who could blame him? The feathers! The hat! The lovable lisp!


Hey Amalah,

I just did a n ultrasound and found out that I am also 11 weeks alaong (previously i thought i was 13 weeks, so stupid) My due date is October 10th. Also, I am throwing up a LOT. Like twice a day. I just wanted to bitch for a second. Congrats on the belly, Maybe our gas babies can go on a playdate if 'm ever in DC.

toni ferrick

Cute Dog. Cuter Boy. God love ya I was pregnant 4 times. I know the nausea thing sucks ass.


A lightbulb just went off in my head from your day vs. night pics. I finally realized why I feel cute and pregnant in the morning but hippoesque at night.
Great post!

Mama T

Hello baby, stop making your mum sick!


Dog butts is always an appropriate segue.


2 times!!! WHOOOTT! That's progress, hon.

And could you imagine if you really DID produce a Wonderpet? And which one would it be? I'm thinking the turtle wouldn't be easy to pass, but the guinea pig is too know-it-all... baby duck with a lisp for me, anytime. She's freakin cute...


Another great post as usual, but now I have the Wonderpets song stuck in my head!


LOL, I have always thought Ceiba's head to be disproportionate to her body, too. But it's her abstractness that makes her cute.

PS- My money is on the Turtle Wonderpet.


I am pretty sure my body reads your blog also. I'm 10 weeks pregnant, and I was feeling pretty good... until I read your post about the migraines. Then *I* started getting migraines! Then I read the post about throwing up, and I started throwing up! Read your 0 to 40 article about emotions, and the next day I BAWLED at Beauty and the Geek.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? Surely.


It could be worse...I have a client (who's age I won't mention cause it would steal the joy) who came into my office stating that she was pregnant, and saying "look how big my stomach is." To be honest, it was big. I asked her when the alleged conception occurred..."Sunday."


Cat food stinks even when you're not a hormonal mess of puke. You look awesome!


The thing about reading your blog is that I'm always finding pregnancy symptoms in myself. Bloating and gas! Sore boobs! Constant, unrelenting fatigue! Then I remember that to get pregnant you have to actually have sex...So perhaps they're sympathy pains? In any case I feel like I'll be more than prepared if I ever do get knocked up one day. So, thanks!

Declans mom

Loved being pregnant, didn't love all the worrying. I think the monthly doctor appts. only kept me happy for about a week, maybe two, than I would be freeking out again calling the doctor to be seen for something (Just so I could hear a heart beat).


You know those stupid pants shrunk in the dryer.

At least Noah isn't hoping it is a train. That would be painful. :-)


Poor Ceiba, but she provides so much material for the camera and your captions for said hamsterdog always make me laugh!


Rancid-cold-cut-and-mackerel salad? No wonder you couldn't keep anything down!


Is that a rat or a dog?


I can't get over how much Noah has changed all of a sudden - one day he still had some baby to him and now he's SUCH a little boy.


Hee, Ceiba. So funny. I don't know how you can handle feeding the pets - I wasn't half as sick as you, but the smell of DRY cat food made me run for the sink!! I had to pawn that job off on my 5-year-old. Bleah.


now i'm going to have the wonderpets theme song in my head.

or as my niece says, "wone-da-pets, wone-da-pets" she has the most horrendous brooklyn accent...it's the strangest thing.


Oh AA, that comment is every bit as hilarious as it was the last time you left the exact. same. comment.

(It's a rat. Duh.)


Oh, I feel so much better about your morning belly shot. I always feel much smaller in the morning, then evening comes and I feel huge. But I don't have anyone to compare it to, since no one I know personally is pregnant. Thanks!

Backpacking Dad

We had one "freak-out-let's-get-an-ultrasound-right-now" moment when my wife was 5 months pregnant. She was eating some canned soup and starting feel ill, then nauseated, then started throwing up. Then her heart wouldn't stop racing and she couldn't get up from the bathroom floor.

And then she noticed that the baby wasn't kicking.

I had to make a 911 call while staring into my wife's panicked eyes, keeping my voice as calm as possible while I spoke to the operator.

After sitting in the emergency room for an hour they finally sent her up to maternity and hooked her up to an ultrasound.

Baby was fine. But I don't blame anyone for wanting to ultrasound-at-will.


I was so proud of myself yesterday telling my mother-in-law that I had "rounded the corner" with all this morning sickness stuff...and just like that I promptly threw up and then had to take a nap. Thats the last time I will speak of that! I'm 11 weeks today.


Wow, the night and day pictures are...well...night and day! That's an impressive bloat! Kudos:) I'm jealous and have belly envy, even if it is just gas, lol!:) At least you get a prize at the end of the suffering!


i did the exact same thing with the doppler! I am still going to get it this time... weird reading you because I just posted about the doppler before I came here.. although you are much more animated than I am right now... this sickness has sucked the fun outta me.


Love the Belly shot! I am now 5 months pregnant, and I think I have looked the same since 11 weeks. Oh, and the real question is, Are you feeding Ceiba hot ham?


Did someone already mention this? My bro and sis in law had the tech write the baby's sex down and seal it up in an envelope as they were undecided about knowing at the exact moment of the ultrasound. They did end up opening up as a Christmas gift to each other a few months later, though.


Damn woman you are teeny!


I rented a doppler with my last pregnancy. So often was I unable to find the durn heartbeat and freaked so much that my husband HID it and sent it back one day when I wasn't home.

Betsy Bird

That's how I look and I haven't been pregnant in 14 years and five months.


Yea for puking less!

Cute dog butt, cute little boy, cute pregnant belly. My 2nd son is only 5 months old, but somehow seeing that little baby bump makes me long for the excitement of growing a REAL LIVE HUMAN BABY! So happy for you.


Oh... um... and you gotta love the Target shirts for toddlers. My son has the same one. He also had the one that says "I still live with my parents." I'm sure millions of other kids have those shirts, but whatever...


Amy, you are fantastically funny these days. I usually find your writing amusing, but today I was laughing out loud. Your Week 9 post on Zero to Forty was hilarious too (I'm not even close to having kids but I love reading it anyway). I think I've said this before in comments, but you are extraordinarily talented. I wish I were half as funny as you.


I swear, this is so much fun. As a mom who is wayyyyy past birthin' babies, I am so enjoying the updates on the puking and the belly. And if we are gamblin' on it, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you might very well have a little girlie girl in there. Now we just have to wait and see...until you tell us...because, really, I don't see you waiting for the big reveal at birth time.


i don't know WHO would say a thing bad about ceiba. but my minpin is over weight too. it's not the mommy's faults!!! they just want to eat non stop. it's the f-ing breed. So lay off a cieba people! he's adorable in his own right.


Hamster dog needs a wheel to run in :) I have a dog whose head is too small for his body also.


I want your belllyyyyyyy. Not in a creepy way.


you needs to be doing something about that mess of cordsin photo before this time next year went babeleh 2.0 starts crawling...


Your min pin is identical to mine. A stupid question but does he drive you crazy wanting to eat????? Everytime we go to the vet they mention the weight thing. Also we just had bladder stones that cost 900 dollars. ritawages@bellsouth.net


Just a polite "For the record" -- Ceiba is a girl, as in she/her. No wonder she has weight issues!!

As you were. ;-)


After your post about finding vs. not finding out it made me realize just how much not knwing was bothering me. So I found out. I went for the 3D/4D ultrasound, which was fun to do anyways. I have a boy around Noah's age and I also was so sure that is was a boy. Well, I was wrong. Everything lead me to believe boy, but in about 7 weeks, I look forward to meeting my little girl! So you really never know, until you know!

Dear AL

When my wife was pregnant, you wont believe how much she puked. Took days to air out the house, and when it was all clear, honey was at it again. Sometimes I joined her.

I hate my pants to, but not that they're... ah... tight or anything. I just hate them!

Ok... I have a gut, but I'm working on it.


Can I pet the puppy??


Okay, I wish I could look as good as you do and...uh...I'm not pregnant. Not fair!

**As a sidenote for all -- new studies are suggesting that ultrasounds are painful for the fetus, fyi. If I weren't such a lazy ass I'd find it and post some sort of reference, but, uh, oh yeah. I AM lazy.

Miss Britt

Do you THINK it's a boy? Or do you maybe kind of think it's a girl, but maybe you WANT a girl and so maybe you wanting a girl is causing that and "I'm sure it's a boy anyway and I'm being dumb - must. not. hope for a girl!!"?

The answer to that would help with my oh so accurate prediction method.

Undomestic Diva

Can I just stop and hate you for a minute for being skinnier pregnant than I am not pregnant?

OK, I'm better now.


Someone might of said this already and I am only saying it out of love for Ceiba and you but don't let her eat too much cat food (or any really). My sister is paying $$$ out the wazoo for this mistake with her Pug. It shuts their kidneys down, especially the smaller breeds.
Cute belly pic, I am jealous! :)

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